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Hey all!
Hope you've been doing well. I haven't posted in a while- I've moved to College Station, Texas, I'm pursuing a bachelor's degree in robotics engineering here at Texas A&M. I'm honestly seeing a lot more longhairs here than back home(I'm from San Francisco) which is pretty cool. In any case, I'm dealing with an issue over my hair with my parents. They've made it known time and time again that they are very uncomfortable with me having long hair. I'm South Asian, and it's extremely uncommon for our men to have long hair(unless you're Sikh). All the men in my family have close-cropped hairstyles that are "professional" and "clean-looking", as my parents like to say. They've been pressuring me very much to get a haircut, and I hate it. I get that having long hair is unconventional, but I hate being constantly told to get a haircut when I simply don't want to. How do I deal with this? They've been great parents otherwise, so I don't want to make them sad/angry. I just want to end this peacefully, because it's annoying.
Thanks for the help guys! :)
Years ago I was in this position until I said, "I was going to cut my hair but, there is one person that likes it long." When I was asked, who that person was, I just said, ME. I was never asked to cut my hair again.
How long is your hair? Got a pic?
John
I don't think it uploaded last time, see if its in there this time.
Ok, so a few things. I have fought off an employer over the "clean" thing. I managed to get the employer to accept that my hair was staying because it was clean because I washed my hair. If I wash my hair, it is clean.
Number two, short does not mean professional any more. What an employer wants is kempt. Concentrate on being kempt, no matter the hair length and you should be fine. Kempt means neat and tidy. As long as your hair is restrained and clean (washed no shampoo or with shampoo it does not matter) the boss cannot say that your hair is not clean, because by definition it is clean. Many people in their sixties see long hair as signifying hippies. Hippies had a reputation for unkempt messy hair that was not clean, rather it was greasy and gross looking for the most part. It also had a reputation for smelling gross. If you use come kind of natural oils such as you would use in making cologne, you could spray your hair with it to give the impression of it being professionally shampooed. Fortunately, the people who do not understand long hair, (mainly white old men) are ageing out of the workforce along with their hypermasculinism. Keep in mind that these men are also the ones who have usually wanted to keep women in the home, or at some secretarial job.
In other words, if you come from a conservative family, and I know that some South Asian families are very conservative and westernized, it can be hard but useful to break out of a rusty mold that is about to be melted into non-existence any way.
My hair is in the "messy" phase when it is hard to tie it back at all. Sometimes I let it down, sometimes I put it up. If your hair is long enough to tie back, I would just let it go. If it is in the messy phase, I would also just let it go. You are at the start of Semester, and I assume that any internships are going to be next semester or next Summer. By that point your hair may be able to be tied back. At that point, just keep it washed and kempt and the employers should say nothing. Part of having long hair is learning to be assertive with men and women older than yourself. This is a valuable skill to have in any job. You are in a point in your life where you are self-defining in a big way.
While disappointing/embarrassing parents can be a tough thing, you are half a continent away from them. Unless you video chat, how will they know, unless they visit, that you are not cutting your hair? I am going to start computer classes soon, and I know that going into job interviews and internships, as long as I have my hair back most of the time, they are probably not going to care. Luckily for you, the field in which you are studying is a very competitive and hard field to enter. That means there is the good likelihood that you can pick and choose your employers and your hair length. It is not like you are studying business or something like that. You are in a creative field. Besides, which is more important, spending your money and time on haircuts or studying for your exams? That two hours every few weeks for a haircut adds up quickly.
Also keep in mind, you cannot control your parents and they cannot control you. You cannot change their minds, they must change their own minds. Being assertive is the best way to influence them to change their minds.
I get taken for a person from the sub-continent frequently by people from South Asia. I have hair down to my shoulders and today I met a South Asian man in a public place. He saw me carrying my groceries, got out of my way, smiled, and said hello. I said hello back, and there was to my knowledge not a bad impression because of my hair. My hair was down. It is slightly curly. Based on his reaction, I would think that at least some South Asians do not perceive long hair as aberrant.
I am American Indian, so my coloration is native to this side of the world and about the same latitude as Central India (combining all my genetic origins from this side of the world). So, I get people thinking I am an Arab or Pakistani, or Nepali, or from India frequently due to coloration, hair color and eye color. African American people take me for being African American.
I guess what I am telling you is, that if you are comfortable with having long hair (I am assuming it is dark) and a complexion that is olive or darker, then go for it. Maybe grow out your beard. I know a lot of people from South Asia have killer full beards. The work world is changing, and that is because there are more people of color being themselves. If you include yourself in this sort of category, why not be yourself, and be assertive?
Women like long dark haired men with full beards. Look at the movie "Prince of Persia", women were swooning all over those characters; Same with "Lord of The Rings".
Hang in there man.
Thanks so much for the long message. I felt so much better after reading all that :) I definitely hope it will not be an issue in my field. Engineering is a diverse group of people of all appearance so I think I will be accepted there; indeed, my classes have plenty of other long-haired guys too.
Ah, you're American Indian! Interestingly enough, everyone out here in Texas mistakes me for Native American; I have to specify I'm South Asian, which I didn't have to in San Francisco. They always cite my hair as the reason; they tell me that American Indian men are known for having straight, black, long hair; mine is also straight black and long. I wish I could grow a beard; I'm only 18, so hopefully I'll be able to grow one in time. As of now I can't, but my cousin who is 23 can, and he said to wait a year or two. I do find it difficult to meet women since I myself get mistaken for a girl a lot of the time, but hopefully with a beard I won't have as difficult of a time.
My parents are 1500 miles away as you said, so I shouldn't be too concerned about it. I'm hoping to grow my hair to my waist so I'm going to have it for a long while, maybe even the rest of my life if I feel like its who I want to be in the end. They'll just have to get used to it. I just wish they weren't so offended by it.
Anyways best of luck with your hair and career :) Thanks a lot!
Native Carolinian is right about keeping your hair kempt in the workplace. I have been working as a tech with engineers for 21 years and had long hair and am now growing it out long again and have never had a problem with my employer because I always kept it tied back at work. Have u gone through Bill's longhair pages? I attached one where he talks about doing just that-keeping your hair neat. He also explains that if u cut your hair too short that u cannot keep it neat using his techniques. Yet that maybe what u hear a lot-cut your hair to make it look neat. That's actually a backwards way of thinking!! Just don't tie it too tight and use cloth covered bands specially made for hair.
Marty
Keeping Long Hair Neat
Hey Avi, glad you enjoyed reading the tome I wrote. Thank you for the well-wishes in my career. I really appreciate it. I looked at your picture. You could pass for Dine (Navajo) or another Athabaskan tribal group. I am glad that you can fit in in your classes with your hair. I had tailbone length hair at one point. It took about 4 years to get to that length for me. Long hair is doable :)
I am glad that you were able to be re-assured by what I wrote. I think at this point looking at your photograph that you should just let your hair grow out. I think it is neat what you said about beards and such. I encourage you to be patient and listen to your cousin on this one. Who knows, you may start a beard sooner than two years.
On the mis-recognition as a woman issue, this only takes time to deal with. I deal with that to some degree. It becomes funny because you really get to know which guys do not respect women. In my experience one learns quickly how a woman must feel many times when she is being checked out by a disrespectful man. Having long hair will probably help you be more compassionate and empathetic with women. Hair is also a good filter for those women who are really interested in the whole picture of who you are.
I am so glad that you do not have any shame feelings to do with long hair. That is great. Maybe you can ask them why they find long hair offensive. It may be a beneficial segway for you into discussions about self-determination, self-differentiation and assertiveness. Parents can sometimes fail to register that a child of theirs is now an adult. In Cherokee, one of the languages I speak as first languages, there are two different words for child. One means a "non-adult child", and one means "a child who is an adult". The fact that there is a parental relationship does not change, the events in that relationship do change between being a non-adult child and an adult child. College/University is a great time to start that transition discussion. I hope it goes well.
Please keep us up-dated as things grow, change and progress.
Be well (standard cultural ending to letters/encounters in person, we do not have a way to say "good-bye" in most of our languages, so "Be Well" is how we end conversations for the moment in anticipation that we will talk or see each other again :)).
Oh really! That's interesting. Is it my facial features that look Native American? Or is it just my skin/hair color?
Omg, I'd love to have tailbone hair- it's such a distant dream :( I just never see myself getting there but I really hope I do. I'm almost at my nipple now; so maybe in 2-3 years more, I will reach my tailbone/classic too. I'll try to keep hopeful.
I'll keep growing out! I have to reach my goal after all :) I'll give my beard some time; in the meanttime I'll focus on other things like school.
I agree! I've learnt to see many things from a woman's perspective and I've learnt a lot about the things they have to deal with from men. I was always a softer/kinder guy and I think this will reinforce that as you said :)
Hmm, yeah I think I get what you're saying. They still see me as someone to restrict/control; which I totally understand from their parental perspective, but they should also learn when to let go and let me be my own person. I have to hide certain things from them because I know they wouldn't take it well, like ear piercings and tattoos that I got. I wish they would understand that it's part of my self identity and that I'm being careful(I got tattoos that I can hide under a shirt for job interviews and easily coverable ear piercings too.), I'm not just making brash decisions.
I really enjoy talking with you! I think you and I just connect well :) If you're ever in Texas let me know. If you have any social media you'd like to connect on, feel free to email me: avi@tamu.edu. I'd love to talk to you more, you seem like an awesome guy.
Be well :)
Avi
May I ask which country or region of south Asia are you from ;o ?
I'm from Tamilnadu in South India :)
Parental disapproval about hairstyle has long been an obstacle to long hair growers, but at it's core it's just a part the child to weaning process. When you were young they were entirely responsible for you. It's not easy for them to give up that sense of responsibility, but when they realize you're fully in charge of your life both you and they will be more relaxed with things.
First of all, keep your hair as neat and good looking as possible most of time-- especially around your parents. Secondly, take care to show them you are maturely managing your life well in all other ways. Once they are confident you are past the child-rearing stage they will probably give you more concessions to your personal choices like wearing long hair.
That having been said though there are parents who will absolutely refuse to budge on the issue. I'm 65 years old and seen guys fighting this issue for many years. Some parents may
budge on the issue but some may never budge on the issue.
Over the years i've known guys whose parents finally conceded and allowed their sons to have long hair. I also knew some guys whose parents abosuletly refused to allow it.
Ultimtely there are some parents with whom you'll have to keep your hair short and only grow it when you have your own house.
In my experience they will probably continue to ask you to cut it for a while. I know that's not the answer you want, and it is annoying, but that was definitely my experience. I always simple said I like it long and won't cut it and left it at that. After 3-4 years of growing it they stopped asking for the most part since I think it final sunk in that it was fruitless. I did find that it was better when it was tied back. I went with a ponytail at first (since they seemed to comment more on a bun) until length started making a bun necessary. It seemed to bother them less, since it was "out of my face" and "neat" but definitely didn't stop the occasional comment.
Just don't waver, which it sounds like you won't, and keep growing. You might consider tying it back even if you are just video chatting or something with them. Eventually they will get used to it and see that it's just what it is, but that's gonna take time.
Best of luck.
