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I am 15 and finishing my sophomore year in high school in about six weeks.
I have longish blond hair, parted in the middle, and cut straight at about chin-level. It's been this long for a long time and I don't want to cut it. That's putting it mildly. A lot of people have compliemented about it and it always feels great, kind of silky. It kind of looks like the pic of the guy below.
My step-father has been bugging me forever to go with him to his barber and get a short haircut. He really hates long hair. He goes to a really old-fashioned barber shop. I should say that I always keep my hair combed and wash it every day. Also, his "real" son, 12, has a complete buzz.
After annoying me for months, my mom agreed that I should get the haircut he wants, but wait until the school year is over. Now I am dreading the end of school. I am supposed to get a crewcut on the very last day of school, after school.
I can't tell you enough how this bothers me. The thought of getting into the barber chair just about makes me puke. I have nightmares, I can hardly eat somtimes, and I think I've lost about 12 pounds since this whole thing began. I mean I may pass out when the clippers are turned on.
There seems to be no talking my step-dad out of this. He loves to hold this over my head. Sometimes he'll walk behind me, stroke his hand down the back of my hair and make noises like "Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! Just sixty more days!" or say "Don't think this is a one-time thing, once it's short, it's staying short from now on." Ugh.
Why don't people see this as chid abuse?
Please help me! What do I do? I am starting to wonder if I should run away from home.
Give up and tell him you want to get it shaved like the other guys at school instead of a crew cut, he's just doing this to make you upset ( some people get off doing this ) then if this does not work get a friend to cut it for you so he want get the chance to take you to his shop. I took my and watch you get sheared but be cool how you bring it up maybe one day when when you see someone with a bald look. lots luck joey
Yikes, man I feel sorry for you. I am 18 and my hair is just now past my ears and I have an undercut(I can almost get it in a ponytail). Anyway, my dad does the same thing, he looks at my hair and tells me to get a haircut, here's what I tell him:
-I will not cut my hair short to fit society's idea of what I should look like.
-My hair is a part of who I am, by cutting it short people will look at me and think I am just like them, alas I am far from it.
After putting my foot down he usually leaves me alone. I can only say that I know how you feel, and you should fight the oppostion as hard as you can. I know how I would feel if I spent a year and a half growing my hair and taking care of it, only to have it all shaved off. Crap, I probably would run away.
good luck bro, Jay
Dear Aaron,
When I was about your age, there was a letter to either "Ann Landers" or "Dear Abby" with a similar sort of tale, only that the parent (or it may have been step-parent) would trim an inch off the teenager's hair for coming in late, or neglecting chores etc. As I remember, the advice was not particularly helpful.
Your story suggests several unpleasant undercurrents in relation to your relationship to your step-father, and your mother's acceptance of his intimidation. You must not have a happy homelife, and I feel very sorry for you. In my experience, conflicts about hair are usually outward and visible signs of deeper, and often internalized problems. Your step-father is clearly trying to assert his authority over you, and the style of your hair has become the target, especially since his own son follows his example. Have you read "A Boy's Own Story" or seen the film with Robert de Niro and Leonardo Di Caprio? There is a parallel situation, and the teenager ends up losing his ducktail to the clippers. The boy's life is hell, and the haircut is only symptomatic of the step-father's larger tyranny over the family.
Based on what you have said, I don't think your mother is approachable. Is there a guidance counsellor or teacher at school that you could discuss this with, or if your family is religious, a minister/priest/rabbi or youthworker that you could speak to? Would it be possible for a teacher or minister to speak with your mother, and point out why this is not a good thing?
Hair is always an important expression of an individual's personality, and never more so than in our teenage years when we are forging our identities. If your step-father were a sensible man, he would realise that forcing you to have a haircut will in no way alter the fundamental differences that exist between you. People may say that "It's only hair; it will grow back," but that's not good enough. Based on the intimidation that you have described, a haircut would only be regarded as a "victory" by your step-father, and humiliating for you. If you cannot avoid the haircut, I would suggest undermining your step-father's victory, by either getting the haircut yourself without him, or doing something radical such as shaving your head or getting (temporarily) a ridiculous haircut like a Mohawk style.
I am sorry about your troubles. I hope your life is bearable. If it's any consolation, my experiences confirm that life does get better as you get older.
Michael
Aaron,
I do see this as a form of child abuse, and I wish there was a way for you to get out of it. Unfortunately, as a minor, you are legally under his custody, and it would be very hard to get by on your own. I know you don't want to give in to him totally, so I think I would agree with Michael in that, at the very least, you should go ahead and get the haircut yourself. Perhaps you can choose a better hairstylist and have them give you a cut that is longer and looks better than a buzz. As soon as you are out of high school and living on your own (see, college is a good thing), you can wear it any way you want. It's awful that you are forced to wait two years, but I think this is a better solution than causing a war..
On another note, I think you should NOT run away from home. You haven't mentioned any other physical abuse or something that would threaten your health or safety, so I have to assume that, while you might not be happy, your welfare is probably served best by you staying at home for another two years. In the meantime, I would highly suggest you read up on a state college somewhere and make plans to get accepted. Your parents would probably approve (and may pay the way for you), you will be a legal adult, and you can move out of the house.
Good luck.
Aaron,
I do see this as a form of child abuse...
I think this is a better solution than causing a war...
You haven't mentioned any other physical abuse or something that would threaten your health or safety...
Even though I know now that this is just a made up story, as for purpose of discussion, I am curious what would happen to this kid if he said NO, I am not going to get my hair cut. It is a very strong and important part of my identity, and it would greatly affect me in a serious, negative and traumatic way. So, hair cutting is also a physical action as well as an emotional action. It has child abuse written all over it. What then will this stepfather do next? Will he then forcefully, and physically grab this kid and then forcefully and physically hold him down while his conforming, hair butchering accomplice shaves what has taken him a year and a half to grow and take care of? Child abuse, child abuse, child abuse...Hurt, hurt, hurt... Well, there are wonderful parents too, who will accept and nurture their son. They will support and love him as he is. They will recognize the importance of identity and self- expression. What could possibly be the reason why a stepfather would want to make a fifteen-year old boy get his hair shaved furiously against his will? What then afterwards? Will he (the boy) be some sort of household furniture for this stepfather to look at for his own gratification? All he is doing is creating a deep and scarring rift of hatred between himself and his stepson. Anyway, real story or not, this sort of thing happens all the time everywhere, and it's a shame.
Hi Jeff,
i really don't know what was the chemical reaction who cause you that "disaster"....
What i can suggest you is to go to see a good hairdresser. Not to cut, don't worry! :-) I mean, because they always work with chemical hair products, they maybe know what is tha cause of that reaction, and maybe can help you to remove that stuff...
Good luck, Jeff!
Lhari
I see it as child abuse, since it is a *threat*. You *own* your hair,
and have a basic human right to wear it long. Also, you're keeping
it clean and neat, and that should be further support for your case.
You're not hurting anyone except your step-father's sensibilities.
He's *not* your father. I dare say, he's somewhat estranged from
you, and is *not* to have the power and authority over you that
your real father could have. I suggest you get away from him as
soon as you can legally do so, provided your basic needs in life
can be met from another source. If he's your provider, that makes
things a bit difficult.
OM
*************************
get a short haircut. ...hates long hair. He goes to a really old-fashioned barber shop... I always keep my hair combed and wash it every day... his "real" son, 12, has a complete buzz.
crewcut on the very last day of school, after school.
..
i am inclined to agree with what barbara posted. running away will only cause more problems that will make your hair issue seem trivial. you could try to talk to your mom alone and let her know how badly you want to keep your hair and how cutting it will affect you. (**you might also say that you had planned to grow it longer, but will refrain from doing so to avoid further problems with your stepdad.**)
if mom can't be swayed, do as barbara suggested and get the cut on your own... to a shorter style that you like. unfortunately at 15 years of age, your options in dealing with parents are limited. i highly doubt that any state law would recognize a forced hair cut as the child abuse that it is. don't waste energy fighting a battle you can't possibly win. however, this is a good opportunity for you to develop you diplomatic skills so you can peacefully deal with adversaries like step dad. never lose your cool or allow yourself to be drawn into an argument as doing so only communicates to him that he has successfully touched a nerve.
finally, the perenially good advice: work hard on your studies so you can enter college. at 18, you will legally be an adult and have the power to determine who you are... you'll be able to grow your hair as long as you like. whatever path you choose in life, apply yourself and be the best at whatever you do. those around you will be far less inclined to judge you on the basis of hair length AND you'll be doing your part to dispel prejudices that people (such as your step dad) have toward men who wear their hair long.
Aaron,
Breathe man. Doesn't sound like logic is gonna work for your step-dad. It's a power and control thing for him. Maybe even feels shame that you have long hair, that others will think he's not an effective step-father because you wear your hair long. Maybe he worries you'll become a "drug addicted commie pinko fag." Whatever
is going on on his side of this deal is beyond you power to control
or change.
If you try to "negotiate" this deal, then try to understand the
nature of the beast. Ask him, "What makes short hair important to you?" Then listen.
What is happening here is basic human development (look in any psychiatry or psychology book) A very commonly accepted theory of human development is that at your age human children begin to "individuate." That means they begin to figure out who they are as individuals, seperate from their family. It doesn't mean you forsake your family. It just means you figure out who you are, and that may be different from what your family believes. Happens every day. It's normal. But it sure pisses parents off.
It doesn't sound like there's much hope for your dad to go down to the library and check out any books on effective parenting...
If the worst happens, the bright side would be that you would have more experience with GI hair, know for sure that is not who you are, and by the time you are sneaking up on age 18 you can stop getting buzz cut and let it grow as long as you want forever.
There was a time when "The State" forced short hair. If you were a male in a state university you were required to attend ROTC. ROTC in turn insisted on GI hair. Be glad you won't have to face that in college.
A few years ago the poet Robert Bly told Bill Moyers a wonderful story on PBS. The video, "A Gathering of Men" may still be available through PBS video sales. Bly is speaking at a men's gathering...
"I was giving a reading in Minnesota, in my little town, this year, and I gave "Rapunzel" and the cutting off of the golden hair of Rapunzel, and I said to the audience, "How many of you - do you remember when you had your golden hair cut off?" And then later a young man came up to me at the party afterwards, and he said: "I didn't dare say anything at that time, but this is what happened to me. I was about 15, and my parents wanted my long hair off. And I refused to cut it off. One day they got me and they tied me down and they cut it off. I started to beat the ground, and I was weeping and hitting the floor. And while I had stopped hitting the floor and was still weeping my grandfather walked in, and he saw immediately what had happened." I said, "What did your grandfather do?" They lived in Long Island. He took the boy out to the ocean and he said to the boy, "You see this ocean? Now, this is for you. This ocean is going to be here whether you have long hair or short hair."
That -- only a grandfather could say that. And then that man said to me, "You know, he was right!" He said: "I went away, six years later I came back, I looked at the ocean, wham! It was incredible, like my grandfather had given it to me."
I said, "Unbelievable, unbelievable." That's the kind of thing that older men do, that your father can't do.
So, Aaron, know that no matter what happens to your hair, the ocean is always there for you...
tell him that you like your hair the way it is and try to talk it out.