new thread
About 7 months ago, I put a message up on this board asking for interviews for a book on male dressing liberation. Well months of interviews, research, and delays while I moved to Portland are over, and I have completed my first chapter. I would love to hear your feedback! Here it is!
CHAPTER ONE
“When I was a freshman in high school, girls got to wear pants to school for the first time. This was a
radical change, and there was a lot of resistance. So to prove how ridiculous girls wearing pants was, a
group of senior boys wore skirts to school. Well it’s 30 years later, and women in pants is now so normal,
that people can’t even remember when it was once considered scandalous and weird. Men and skirts?
Well it’s taken us a little bit longer.”
This book is about joy; this book is about freedom; this book is about breaking
taboos, breaking out of our little boxes; this book is about creativity. This book is about
male human beings (throughout this book I will attempt to use the term men only when
talking about the past, because the words “men” and “women” have helped us to see
ourselves as two totally different species, which we are not. And that is part of the
problem.)
This book is about clothing, but not just about colored cloth and thread. Clothing
is our most intimate form of artistic expression. Clothing encourages or discourages
movement, makes ourselves pleasant or unpleasant to look at and touch. Clothing is, and
has been throughout time, a powerful form of communicating our feelings, our
personality, and our desires; who we are in the world, to others and to ourselves.
And this book is about the part clothing plays in the liberation of male human
beings, to feel and act, powerful and sweet, aggressive and receptive, logical and intuitive,
active and sensuous, dynamic and loving. It is about claiming the right to express our
souls in all the colors of the rainbow.
If you are male and live in “Western society”, and you want to be seen as “normal
and well adjusted”, you live in a box. On the one hand you hear that you must be more
sensitive to the needs of others, especially women and children (but not necessarily your
own), that you must no longer be a male chauvinist pig. But on the other there is still a
tremendous pressure for you to produce, perform, “be a man, not a wimp” (not scared or
too emotional, never backing down form a challenge). That challenge comes from the
desire to financially prosper and survive in our society, and to attract a sexual partner
(have you noticed how many W seeking M personal ads mention “financially stable
professional” as a major qualification?) And above all, you must not be feminine. Starting
in boyhood you probably learned that to be feminine or “weak” was the most shameful,
disgusting thing a boy can be, and you saw the degradation and bloody violence that
awaited boys who didn’t measure up. And as an adult you see in the media, females
clamoring for males who are more sensitive, but choosing distant, macho males for sex
partners.
Your box is totally reflected in your clothing choices. Although your clothes can
be a little softer, and there is a little more color choice then there was in the 50’s, you can
still walk into a department store in the fall or winter, and see the women’s department
look like a veritable bird of paradise, and the men’s department have all the color diversity
of a coal mine. And while you have a little choice about color, you have even less when it
comes to texture, shape, and style. The male style is even shaped like box. It usually
hides the shape of our body rather than accentuating it.
And above all, you must not be feminine. Any male outside of punk or rock star
circles wearing a skirt or dress or make-up is seen as beyond radical - weird and
emotionally unbalanced. Many males are not creative dressers because they have been
taught they are valued for what they produce, not who they are (who cares about the color
of the machine, as long as it works). And if you are a creative male dresser who stays
within the gender boundaries, you are like an artist who can only use half the colors, a
pianist with only the lower half of the keyboard.
Well it is about time we started breaking out!! We are more than functional
machines. We deserve to wear clothes that are loose and flowing, or skin-tight and
sensual. We deserve to wear clothes without a divider between our legs. We deserve
sensuous fabrics like velvet and lace, for us to feel and others to touch.
Clothing is a language, and we deserve the option of showing the world by the
way we dress, “I feel vulnerable, I want to be touched, sought after, taken care of. I want
to show you the part of me that is sweet, innocent, sensual, receptive, playful, childlike,
the part of myself that feels like a flower or a fairy, as well as the parts that are powerful,
practical, earthy, fierce, assertive, and casual.” I want to wear clothes that fully reflect my
inner beauty. I want to be able to decorate and color myself, to do special things with my
hair, to celebrate my physical appearance. I want to be able to change my clothes as I
change my moods. I want to paint a picture of my soul with all the colors, textures, and
shapes available.
And we have as a positive example, the first wave of the gender revolution. In the
1950’s, for the most part clothing, occupations, and roles were divided into his and hers.
But in the late 60’s and 70’s, a number of courageous women, inspired by books like the
Feminine Mystique by Betty Friedan, begun to step powerfully and boldly into what had
been male territory. They worked in “male” professions, claimed their right to be assertive
and enjoy sex, and they burned their bras and put on pants. Some were insulted, belittled,
and told they were creating the disintegration of society as we knew it, but the only thing
that disintegrated was the narrow box that females were supposed to live in.
The revolution continued and widened. Some glass ceilings broke, some females
became welders and truck drivers. Some women wore power suits. And others got
crewcuts, wore holey jeans and combat boots, and stopped shaving most of their body
hair.
And what did these female human beings gain, especially by their clothing
changes? They gained the ability to wear clothes where they could run and jump, move
and work, as fully as males did. They no longer had to dress as frilly sex objects. Women
could now dress in a way that communicated - I am powerful, grounded, earthy, practical,
relaxed. And they could mix in the traditional female messages of - I am sensual,
beautiful, childlike, joyous, sweet - as much or as little as they wished.
These women became more whole people. Their dressing was part of the change
by which they became better at getting what they wanted from themselves and each other.
Books like Men Are Just Desserts and songs like “Sisters Are Doing It For Themselves”
declared what they had learned. They no longer needed a man to live successfully in the
world.
I am in no way implying that female liberation has been totally achieved, books
could, and have been, written on the challenges that remain. Or that female liberation has
been, or is, easy or simple. I am only saying that real progress has been made and it has
touched lives. And female children today grow up with opportunities (and clothing
choices) which they take for granted, that are the legacy of the pioneers of the previous
generation.
Meanwhile male liberation has been glacially slow. And this has created a great
contrast, and nowhere is it more apparent than in dressing options. Female’s right to wear
pants is a given almost everywhere, and in the more progressive parts of society, a female
person can wear anything a male can wear and be accepted, if not hip. This makes the
taboos against male human beings wearing dresses, skirts, make-up, clothes that are frilly,
flowing, or sweet, not only destructive and confining, but ridiculous. It is obvious that
males should wear whatever we want, just as many female human beings do, joyfully,
without apology, and without taking on a stigmatized label such as “crossdresser”.
And the lag in male liberation is not only apparent in out clothing options. To me,
no statistic is as telling as the fact that male life expectancy is seven years less than
females, and around the turn of the 20th century, they were equal. We have more drugs,
more alcohol, 4 times more suicide, and many more heart attacks. Most of us have a hard
time crying in public, and it is really rare for males to acknowledge fear or the desire to be
taken care of (even to themselves). Males are rarely able to experience intimacy with each
other, that is another place we “need” women.
Many males are still expected to be Atlas, the one who holds the world on his
shoulders, and so they sacrifice and compromise themselves to work in a competitive
world, where they need their emotional armor for survival. And even the males who don’t
have this expectation from the outside, possibly because they have a liberated partner who
is willing to share their burdens, still feels the pressure of conditioning from the inside.
They need to achieve and compete to have self-esteem.
Why has it been so hard for males to change? It is because of “The Wall”. Males
all through their school years, peaking in junior hi and early high school, go through an
intense conditioning process where they are shamed, belittled, called names, and often
beaten bloody, if they show weakness, or anything that can be interpreted as “feminine”.
It comes from the media, it often comes from parents, and it almost always comes from
their peers. I think almost every male, with the exception of a few that are young and
have come from extremely progressive environments, has scars, often deep scars when he
was shamed or beaten for being too soft, too feminine, or “seeming gay”. And those who
don’t, probably just repressed themselves after seeing what happened to others. And then
since part of the conditioning is to not be emotional and have “weak” feelings, it makes it
doubly hard to ever go back and feel the hurt of being abused and cutting off parts of
themselves. So I believe in most males “The Wall” is invisible because we are numb. It is
a red, flashing sign in the brain that says, “Danger, Don’t Go There” every time we feel an
impulse that might step outside our male role, without us ever acknowledging what
happened.
This massively effects our relationships. It is really hard to grow up being
expected to be hard, unfeeling, and competitive, and cutting ourselves off from any
“feminine” feeling and desire, and then all of a sudden be in a relationship with a female
person and be able to love and relate to the feminine aspects of her. Our conditioning
works really well for creating attraction, since we are so starving to have that “feminine”
energy that’s been cut out of us, but it is a disaster for creating successful intimate
relationships. The male gets in a relationship, and his partner, very reasonably ,wants him
to be sensitive to her needs, to hear her deeply. She doesn’t realize how hard it is for him,
and that often times she is asking him to be sensitive to her in a way that he has never been
for himself, so she gets frustrated and angry. And the male feels resentful, and like a
failure, and this creates a resistance in him to ever grow and “get in touch with his
feelings”.
This is a painful cycle in which many males are stuck, but it is in your power to
break out! It doesn’t work to change for society, because you think you “should”, or for
your wife or lover, because you will always resist and resent changing yourself on such a
fundamental level for someone else. You have to this for yourself, because you are tired
of trying too hard, or working too hard, or numbing yourself out, and having a war inside
you don’t quite understand. Because you are tired or intimacy feeling like a duty that you
will never be able to fulfill. You have to change because you believe there are ways you
can be happier and more whole.
And all roads to male liberation lead through “The Wall”. You have to look at
your particular wall, to honestly go back and look at all the ways you were shamed or hurt
for not being macho enough as a child, look at when and how you gave up parts of
yourself to fit the male stereotype. Now I can hear some of you saying, “I don’t have a
wall”. Well try a little experiment. Imagine you overheard a conversation at a party or
work, and somebody referred to you or something you did as feminine. What would be
your reaction? Would that be no big deal, or just bring mild interest? Or would you feel
discomfort or shame, maybe even fear? Would you try to change whatever they reacted
to as soon as possible? Would you get defensive, and say to yourself or a friend, “Ha, I’m
not feminine, what are those fools thinking.” and say it in a very macho way. If you
reacted any way except mild interest or acceptance, you have a wall inside you that makes
you less than you can be. And I will bet it is bigger and effects you more than you ever
imagined.
It is absolutely not necessary to act, feel, or dress what the world might call
“femininely” to gain your liberation. Male human beings are a rainbow of diversity, and
some of you may enjoy mostly activities that society calls male, and that’s great. But what
you must do for your liberation, is face your fear of being feminine or having others see
you as feminine. As long as that is inside you, you won’t know who you really are,
because of the many feelings and choices that you run away from before you even look at
them. And your relationships with female human beings will be limited at best, or a
minefield at worst.
And once you have faced this wall, new feelings will pour forth as you discover
that maybe you don’t have to hold up the sky by yourself, that maybe you don’t have to
protect yourself as much as you thought, maybe you can be loved for something other
than being a provider or achiever.
And then you will be able to look at each part of life, your work, your relationship,
your friends, your sex life, and ask if those things really feel good to you, or they were just
things you were doing cause you thought you should, or because “Life’s supposed to be
tough”. You will begin to more and more create your life in a way that feels good to you.
Now I want to talk about how Male Dressing Liberation fits into wider male
liberation. As well as being an act of choosing pleasure, sensuality, and freedom of artistic
expression, dressing is extremely powerful on the symbolic level. Visual images are the
major way our mind organizes data into categories. They have a potent effect on both the
conscious and unconscious mind. When all we see in everyday life, and especially in the
media, is males and females dressed so differently they seem like two different species, it
sends a message to our subconscious that “men are like this, and women are like that”.
We encounter resistance and anxiety when we try to step outside the male box, because
we are not fitting into any of the images our mind knows. Breaking male dressing taboos
is a powerful agent that breaks down the boxes of “what males are supposed to be” in our
psyches, and the psyches of those around us. It is not coincidental that the clothes that are
off limits to men are those that are the most pleasurable, most sensual, most frivolous and
fun.
So I say, experiment a little to find your own style. Then wear what you want,
and never refuse to wear anything (or do anything) because the world calls it feminine.
This is living beyond “The Wall”.
I want to talk about the difference between Male Dressing Liberation and the
traditional transvestite path. First of all, I totally honor the transvestite path and those
who have followed it. Showing an immense amount of personal courage to be themselves,
these folks were the first pioneers to show that a male had any options at all besides
staying in their constrictive gender box. And as they have appeared in the media, even
sometimes on talk shows that belittle them or use them for shock value, they have started
breaking down the gender boxes in our head, showing that males can, if they choose,
embody the most feminine and glamorous archetypes. But the transvestite path is not
enough to bring male freedom.
Traditional transvestites have dressed and often acted in an exaggeration of the
traditional female stereotype. While for a few, this is truly their deepest self expression,
for most males, all this means is that we now have the choice between two constrictive
boxes instead of one. We must be all pink and fluffy, or all black, blue, and macho; with a
huge “no man’s land” of options in between that are still unacceptable in society. Male
Dressing Liberation is about tossing away the boxes, and each male person choosing
clothing and personality characteristics freely from the boxes we used to think of as
”masculine” and “feminine”, coming up with the combination that is truly an expression of
their unique individuality. And letting that expression change and grow as they do.
I believe part of our struggle with claiming this freedom is the way we use the
words masculine and feminine. Masculine is defined as “of or pertaining to the male”.
Well what that means to me is anything, anything, any male does or wears, especially if it
is an authentic expression of themselves, is masculine. If you wear a power suit, that’s
masculine, if you wear a flowered dress, that’s masculine, if you pancake someone while
playing middle linebacker, that’s masculine, if you cry when you find a dead bird in the
yard, or tenderly cuddle your children, that’s masculine.
The problem is we’ve let our culture define masculinity and femininity. And our
culture has created these two images, like a giant Barbie and G I Joe doll that are burned
into all of our brains, that we often compare ourselves to, to see how “masculine” or
“feminine” we are. And then if we are male, and wanting to express some “feminine”
quality, do some “feminine” activity, or wear some piece of “feminine” clothing, it seems
as if we are working against our nature! We have let society define what our true nature
should be.
Well I say, let’s take back our power! From this day onward, let’s either toss the
words feminine and masculine altogether, or let’s define them from the inside out. There
is not one true form of masculinity, there are 3 billion. And the only way you will find out
what masculinity truly is for you, is to look inside your own heart.
The good news is, the male dressing revolution has begun. Many cultural trends
start in Europe, and two chains in the United Kingdom carry skirts for men. A friend of
mine talked to Tommy Hilfiger at a recent public appearance, and he promised we’d have
skirts for men in the US within a year. I see an article about some boy who wore skirts or
dresses in high school at least once a month (about half of them are allowed to continue.)
And I’ve several articles about boys wearing dresses to prom. In Eugene where I lived
until recently, I’ve heard of so many boys wearing skirts to some level of school, from first
grade to high school, I’ve lost count. There are whole subcultures, punks and goths, that
have a lot of flexibility in gender rules. And male rock stars have been doing it for years.
Kurt Cobain had an article in Melody Maker explaining why wearing dresses was cool,
and I thought the image of Brad Pitt in a dress on the cover of Rollingstone was
particularly powerful. Many males who might have been isolated individuals in the past
have come together on the web to discuss breaking male dressing boundaries, from
“bravehearts” who think wearing a skirt or a kilt can be the height of masculinity, to
freestylers who wear anything from dresses to leather, oblivious of any gender
connotations. Men-in-skirt sightings are becoming more frequent especially in progressive
cities, and college campuses like Oberlin and Reed.
The male gender wall is like a dam with a thousand pin prick holes. And one day
soon a couple of those holes will get a little too big, the dam will come tumbling down,
and a whole river of male diversity will come rushing through. Thirty years from now men
in skirts and dresses will be as taken for granted as women in pants is today, and boys will
grow up never knowing there was a time when males didn’t have options.
I believe one of the first steps in that process, is for male dressing pioneers to go
from being seen as isolated individuals, to being part of a diverse movement that has an
identity in the society and the media. So I declare today, that if you are the first boy to
wear a skirt to your high school, the first male to wear a kilt in your social circle, a dress
to your dance group, or a skirt in your workplace, you are no longer alone. You are a
part of a rational, positive movement of change. You belong to Male Dressing Liberation.
And you are the gateway to the future.
Hmmm, Not at all bad writing I should say. A Call to Arms. It will be interesting to see where you will go with the second chapter.
I don't remember if I responded to your original post. I have long hair and a beard. I have experimented with lots of hair accessories, fingernail polish, longer nails and lip gloss, but not with any clothing changes of the magnitude that you suggest.
Your topic might be considered a little off-topic by the web master.
My email is aragorn@inreach.com. Please keep me posted on your progress. Interesting.
Aragorn.
Aragon
This is a VERY interresting reading - I appreciate it a lot. It is well made and I agree with what is said there. Keep on that is worthing it.
Because is mostly related to the dress code I have mentioned it to an other board on which I like to sneak often and which is related to that. In this board people are exchanging on different aspect of the wearing of skirt for men.
http://www.insidetheweb.com/mbs.cgi/mb978782
I think that there is a relation in between those two board as for both case it is a matter of having to deal with breaking the frounter of the stereotype associated with the gender.
I am proud to be now amoung the long hair men and I also am learning to feel OK to like to wear skirt. I hope that one day the men will have the same freedom of choice as do women have concerning the way they want to look and dress.
Congratulation
Yours
Jean
I think what you have said is fantastic. Men are so oppressed when it comes to expressing their inner beauty, many dont want to even admit its a problem. Thank you so much for your work, the strong ones will have to carry the rest of us.