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Yesterday I had my hair cut. I had been growing it for a year and a half. About 12 inches all over.....girls would say bra-strap length. I did not want to but my wife asked me to in the strongest terms. It was like a choice.... an ultimatum. Initially she had encouraged me to grow it but eventually decided that she liked it short, and sometimes disliked it long ver much. I did not think that I would be this grief stricken, but I feel terrible. The longest hair I have now is about three quarters of an inch long and I hate it. I have to admit that I had not cut it during this time and it looked a bit ragged, but to me it was a life long ambition (and I was only half way there). I noticed when the hairdresser cut the first staight line across the bottom that a long bob blunt cut looked much better than the shaggy look. It also seemed to be sleeker.
I have told my wife how I feel, but she says that she prefers it short. I have told her that this is the last time I would do this, and that at some stage in the future I would grow it again. She implied that I would be makeing some type of choice.
I love my wife deeply. This conflict is tearing me up. Im not sure what I will do in the future, but I never want to feel like this again. One thing is for sure. if I grow it agian it would be by haveing it cut blunt across the bottom and growing out the layers before i grow it...... but who knows when this would be.
Anyway.....I guess this was cathartic for me but I cant help thinking that others have had similar problems.
thanks
Well, DS, your story isn't that unusual, but this time, when I read the details, I suddenly saw the commonality with so many others. Let me ask you: Does your wife choose your clothes as well as your hair style? Is she more or less "in charge" of your appearance? If so, that's okay, but in that case you have no real complaint; the person in charge has simply decided to make a routine change and you should get over it.
On the other hand, if your relationship is supposed to be a partnership of equals, then I guess I wonder what makes your wife believe she is in charge of your appearance. Do you do the same to her? Do you tell her which hair style you prefer on her? Which clothes you most enjoy seeing her wear? Which lingerie she should wear to arouse and maintain your physical desire for her? I don't know where you are from, but in my part of the world, most women would be appalled at the idea of relinquishing their personal prerogatives of dress and appearance. The puzzling thing to me is that so many men seem to accept that sort of unreasonable demand when it comes from their wives or girlfriends.
Please understand that I do not mean my comments to apply to any one person; it's just that your message struck a chord with me. Good luck.
. . . JP in san diego.
I can relate somewhat. I think that I look like a goof with these short crew cut styles that guys wear so I let my hair start growing out. I would get it trimmed but not cut. Anyway, I live in a conservative part of the U.S. and long hair on men isn't the rage. I went to my stylist after my hair had reached the bottom of my ears with layers and asked her, "Regardles of whether the style is supposedly for a guy or a girl, what style would look best with my face and features?" She checked me out and recommended a bob between earlobe length and chin length. So that is what I went for. Well as my hair got longer and the layers grew out my wife started nagging me to get it cut short. She said that a bob was a girls hairstyle and she was afraid of what other people would think. She even cried about it numerous times and of course we had disagreements about it. We are supposed to be in a mutual marriage with both partners playing equal parts yet she was leaving me with very little choice. I told her that I didn't TELL her how to have her hair cut but that didn't seem to matter. Well, we decided to compromise. Now I have a layered bob that comes to just below my ears. I like the style but long to have a chin length or longer bob. Problem is if I tried to let it grow we would surely be fighting and she would be crying. So I guess that I just have to settle for the compromise and hope that one day that all hairstyles and lengths become available to both male and female alike. If anyone has any suggestions for me please let me know. I would really like to go longer.
divorce after 36 years. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. Although I didn't realize it at the time. The divorce was final in Nov. 97. she remarried in Feb 98 so you know what was going on.
You can't base a marriage on a haircut long or short. I have since let it grow back out; but no quite as long as I want it yet. Good luck to you in solving your problem; but look for another problem that is bigger than just the way you wear you hair.
Hi, I really can't relate this type of issue..since I'm single..however, I can relate to how women try to change everything they can about men. They don't care for a particular hair style, They don't like that shirt...those pants..etc. If the tables were turned I know females wouldn't even think twice about Screaming their heads off at us. Guys need to stand up for themselves and Not allow women to change our appearance to their liking..Men rarely, if ever try to change how a woman presents herself..Especially hair styles...If a certain woman doesn't agree with a man's hair style then so be it...There are more fish in the sea!!!
Seems to me I read somewhere that up to 80% of mens clothing is actually bought by women.
Just for the record, I don't tell my husband how to wear his hair, and I trim whatever he wants me to (like his bangs). Everyone in the house chooses however they want their hair, including the one daughter who likes hers bobbed short (she's the "oddball" in a long-haired family!). We've been married 18 years, so obviously something's going right... :)
>Men rarely, if ever try to change how a woman presents herself..Especially hair styles...
Maybe it's about time we should if this kind of situation persists.
Then maybe they'll observe their husbands right to wear his hair the way he chooses.guys I hate to sound like a chauvanist here, but maybe it's time to take back the reigns so to speak.
Bobbed guy, it seemes that your wife is one of those who desire to keep up with the Jones.
tell her that it should not matter what others think as long as you two love each other. that is all that matters.
Too many times people conform for the wrong reasons and as a result feel guilt and suffer with low self esteem.
Like I told the other guy, If you desire to have longer hair, Grow it Long.
eventually as styles change and Long hair will be more commonplsce like it was in the seventies.
By that time all the women will be telling their boyfriends/husbands to grow their crewcuts out because they are concerned with what everyone thinks.
Is it me, or does it seem that in hetero relationships, the woman is almost ALWAYS telling the man how to look?
When men do this to women... it is called abuse!
Confused, how can you love a person who objectifies you and won't let you be who you are in your soul??
Thank you for all of your thoughts. Maybe some of the points you made are right. The words 'even if it means divorce?' ring in my ears. Over the last 24 hours I have basically decided to grow it back - I am aprehensive, but the episode seems to have galvanised what is really important in my life for me.... you have to love yourself first!!. I have no doubt about my love for my wife. We will see what happens.
This time I will definitely be getting it trimmed, and grow it on a one length blunt cut basis. Perhaps this will give me the chance to really document the growth this time.....I might invest in a new Digital video camera (I hear that the new Hitachi DVDcam records directly to a mini DVD ram disk which is compatible with dvd ram players (each mini disk holds 2000 stills or an hour of Mpeg2 video.
In my experience, when things come down to that kind of stalemate, the issue at hand (in your case, your hair) isn't the real issue. The real issue is that both parties have trouble communicating and advocating for their own needs -- because if you could do that, you wouldn't end up in a stalemate.
Work on it, guy. Speaking as a single guy, I say it's definitely worth all the effort it takes to understand each other and find a satisfying compromise. Imagine how good that would feel for both of you.
It all depends on what you value most. My last "official" haircut was in January 1999. My wife had some issues with my hair, and still is not totally thrilled about it all the time, but I have mitigated the problem somewhat by including her in the process. As I said, my last "official", meaing paid for, haircut was over 19 months ago. However, I have gotten it trimmed twice since then. Who did it? My wife! I also have worked to demonstrate that my hair choice is just that, a choice about hair, and does not mean that I am a different person than the one she married.
So far, it appears that I am balancing my wife's issues with my own personal desires. Others who have responded to you have suggested that there are deeper issues than the hair. They are probably right. In my case, my wife's objections to my longer hair were really reflections of other concerns she had about our relationship and what this change (from short hair to long)might mean. If you truly "have no doubt" about your love for your wife, work hard to find out what those deeper concerns are and address them, and the hair issues will take care of themselves.
Let me add my 2 cents. Years ago I gave in to my wife's incessant nagging to get my hair cut. I felt like I had lost a part of myself when the stylist cut off my 8" ponytail. I didn't keep it short for more than 4 months. I grew another ponytail. She bitched and moaned about that one too.
I got it cut into a bob, which I wore for years. I guess I became more interested in "style" than "length" for a long time there. It was always the same shit from her, though.
"You look like you're trying to recapture your lost youth" "Why do you want to look like a girl?" No end to it.
Now, I'm almost bald on top. I never cut the hair that's left. She accepts the combover I wear during the week, and the ponytail I wear on weekends.
I feel like it is ironic that now that nature has taken most of my hair, she no longer bitches about what I do with what I have left.
Enjoy what you have left, while you have it.
Do you tell your wife how to wear her hair?
If not, she has no right to tell you to cut yours!
It sounds like your wife's an authoritarian type that tells you what to do.
my suggestion is that you need to become more asertive and stand up for your rights.
You should inform her that she has no right to tell you how to wear your hair and if she insists on you having it short, then you should insist that she get hers cut short too.
if she has long hair, she will probably not like that idea very much, but you have to be happy and it appears at this point that you are extremely sad and you should also let her know this too.
good luck and if LOng is what you desire go with it!
Ditch the bitch!
You don't need to call her names.
I have a hunch she probably grew up in a family plagued by domestic violence. She probably needs to learn new ways of relating to people.
Maybe a ponytail could be a marriage saver. Some women don't like long hair only because it covers the face. If your wife doesn't want hair to cover your face, maybe you could talk her into tolerating a pony tail. It takes about two years for hair to get long enough to tie into a ponytail. Once it gets long enough to tie back, you may never want to cut it again.
If she refuses to allow you to be yourself, I think your marriage is in trouble. If you're considering starting a family, please wait until the hair/control issue is resolved. Divorce may be the best long-term option.
That stinks, I'm sorry you had to cut it all off :( I cut my 6 months of hair growth all off 3 weeks ago for cross country to appease my parents and team mates who said it was probably too hot. And I also wanted to get rid of all my hair that was bleached blonde. Although most of the blonde is now gone, my hair is so short, I can barely part it in the middle anymore. I'm gonna get one more haircut after my hair grows out some to get rid of the rest of the blonde and let it grow from there.
Taso
I don't ever want for anyone to think I am telling them what to do, but instinct says that if she is not willing to accept you as you are, you might find that as you go along there are other things about you she will be intolerant of. Hair seems like a "small thing", but don't underestimate it.
Hair actually is a "small thing" for people whose body it is not on. And it's a big thing, obviously, for the person whose hair it is. The lie the hair Nazis spread, of course, is that this situation is the opposite. But that's the lie that Nazis of all stripes spread about the people they seek to oppress.