new thread
Some of you may remember a series of posts I made last September dealing with my Aunt (and by extension my whole JW family). I posted her attempts at using a guilt trip and other nonsensical arguments to get me to cut my hair. I also posted my responses including some scriptural arguments I used to counter hers.
I haven't communicated with her since then until a couple days ago. I'm about to get divorced and I felt I should let her know as I don't have a lot of family. I guess I was hoping for a bit of support during this difficult time. The subject of my long hair came up and she had the following to say about it:
"What if you were to "discover" you wanted to have sex with males? Isn't that what long hair represents, playing the role of a female? I'd be surprised if you hadn't been propositioned by men. Yes, you are making yourself more vulnerable."
What ignorance! To equate a male growing long hair to his wanting to become a homosexual. She seems to have forgotten the comparisons I drew to my cousin Cheryl cutting her hair extremely short. Interesting that she apparently never received counsel about her wanting to now have sex with women because her hair was short.
I throw up my hands, nothing will ever change. I guess I could accept more a general disapproval of my long hair rather than her making such an ignorant statement.
I just needed to vent here. Thanks for reading.
Jason
Strange that we hear the same thing from people I assume to be much younger and would have hoped more modern. Its almost as though all things they don't understand are so far apart and alien from their mindset (homosexuality, desire to grow long hair) that they become equated or hard to distinguish between. Sort of the way I might lump together two cities in some country I never went to. To the inhabitants of these cities they might be worlds apart in their character, but to someone on the other side of the globe they are indistinguishable due to their disstance and unfamiliarity. That these two things are independent variables is difficult to see unless you are affected by one or the other. Youth seems to have little to do with it, I suppose.
It's probably too much to expect someone to break free of a lifetime of thinking one way, and unless they have a strong reason to, many never do.
You did all you could have done from what you've said. I hope that you can find peace in that at least.
The younger generations are not like the older ones, while your aunt, or mother, or father will disaprove long hair...now days the younger teens and early 20s are very open about stuff like that. I myself wear makeup and skirts, etc.. but i still find many people my age that have absolutely no problems with it...yet my own family tell me that i am not even part of them anymore, which is fine to me it really does not bother me i have friends who see me for who i am. Do not worry about what "other people" say, it's their problems that they can't see a person for who he is but for what he looks like.
Then shaving does even moreso. Men and women BOTH grow long hair, but normally only men have beards. But does your aunt hassle any other members of your family who shave?
Some peoples' ideas just aren't reasonable or logical.
Absolutely brilliant answer, Foppy.
Absalom
BOTH men and women can cut their hair short also. Just look at the trailer for the upcoming movie "V for Vendetta", where they shave long hair off of a woman. Other movies like "GI Jane", etc. also. Does this mean that when a woman shaves her head she automatically becomes masculine? What I'd like to do about some people's fantasies!!!
This reminds me of Fallen Angels' post on the Buzzboard, to which he got a reply about long hair being 'unnatural'. There's no excuse for such moronic opinions. I think we all have a duty to question all the crap we're expected to believe. As you know, your aunt's wrong. If she can't move with the times, that's her problem.
Now for some mathematics:
Long hair = natural. If you want to cut it, fine. Just shut the hell up about it.
Jason,
Probably the best thing would be to just not talk to her anymore? I mean yea she is family..but if someone off the street talked to you like that..would you ever want to talk to them again?
Those comments are completely ignorant and assinine. Perhaps your aunt has mmany more control issues in her life too. All negative energy to avoid in my opinion.
When someone asks me to cut my hair (if its a girl) I say "Sure, I'll cut my hair a little bit if you shave your head." Whatever they put on you..direct it back at them really fast and watch them squirm. They quiet down really fast.
Keep growing and best of luck for the future...
What a shame. I really do hope everything works out the best for you Jason. Is this divorce a mutual agreement or did your partner wish it? Very sad.
This is just pre-posterus. Talk about double standards!
So is Jesus a homosexual becuase he has long hair...that should shut her up.
I hope everything works out for you Jason. Regarding your relationship with your Aunt and especially your divorce with your wife.
good point....buts its fairly unlikely that jesus really had long hair....................but she doesent know that ;)
Yes, but the Nazarites had long hair too. John the Baptist, Samson etc had exceptionally long hair. I'm not very familiar with their lives, to be honest, but I don't think they were homosexuals. Throw that one at her.
And Jason, I'm really sorry to hear what happened. Best of luck to you in these pressing times. Your aunt's reaction is just rotten icing on the rotten cake, I suppose, but hey...there'll be a new, sweeter cake than you ever had before soon enough, I'm sure. You'll get through.
Jason:
We've talked many times thru e-mail and again I am reminded of someone years ago, Ricky Nelson!
Maybe you have heard of him, could have been before your time but, check out one of his last songs before he died "Garden Party". He was the father of the 80's and 90's band Nelson. (their hair wasn't too long was it?) Check out his song as it is something that I have learned to live by. One of the best parts is, "you can't please everyone, you have to please yourself."
Sorry to hear about your seperation and hope everything works out for you.
Best of luck and keep it growin and flowin!!!
John
I am very sorry about the divorace. A most devestating experience.
As for your Aunt, she must be a very miserable person inside. I would discard all of her words. A hopeless case. You have enough on your mind as it is to take her verbal abuse.........especially at a time like this in your life.
Ha, sounds like some of the more hardcore dudes at the buzzboard. I just think it's hilarious... why do you get so upset at peoples comments as such? I understand she is family... but her brainpower is obviously lacking. She displays a means to want to control you, and you have no interest... so just ignore her, just like it was anyone else. I really could care less if someone thinks I'm queer cuz I have longhair... good for them, if it makes them feel any better about themselves and less inadequate then go for it! Quit the bickering, since it isn't getting you anywhere, and probably never will as you said...
-Ardroth
Jason,
I offer this draft of a letter to your aunt, free of charge, making any changes you wish for a one time transmission, but nevertheless retaining the rights to myself for possible future publicaation, of course names being changed to protect the guilty.
Dear Aunt Gertrud,
When you note came, I was hoping for a kind word: I needed one.
It is not easy to leave a marriage. I loved Rapunzel but over time we realized that we were not good for each other. I think this is one of the dangers of early marriage. So many Christians say save phyicial intimacy until marriage. I am coming to realize that this is a recipe for divorce or misery.
My friends are telling me to always be fair, and never take advantage of another person, and to avoid unwanted pregnacy, but to make sure there is real physical compitability. I think they are right.
I am surprised that you expressed fear that my hair would suggest that I am queer. Well indeed I am in many ways, but I am not homosexual. Where did you get this idea? It never occurred to me until you mentioned it. Have you been thinking about this for a long time?
Well, you got me to thinking about it for the first time, and while it does not have appeal for me, I think perhaps there are homosexual people sort of like left handed people, who most feel free to express their inward most being to another person of the same sex.
Then it went off in me like a light bulb. Isn't it better when there are two people who really love each other, and should not everyone do anything possibile to facilitate their love. Surely we do not think homosexcuality or lefthandedness is a virus which can be caught.
Aunt Gertrud, so many people have turned me off about Jesus, but is suddenly dawned on me that Jesus would have affirmed love wherever he saw it.
This leads me to my most difficult question. Have you ever loved anyone passionately?"
What an utterly atupid thing to say. That sort of comment demonstrates her lack of understanding about what homosexuality is. It is not "waking up one morning and deciding to be gay", as she seems to obviously think. You either are or you aren't. You obviously are not gay and consequently you feel in your heart you will never be interested in anyone but women, and no-one would be the least bit upset by that.
As for being more vunerable, I can't see that you'd have anything to worry about. A gay man may admire your hair but he would likely assume you're straight, because so few gay men have long hair. Most of us have short, stylish cuts, many of them pretty obvious to anyone. So, a gay man who tried to make a move on you would be clutching at straws, wasting his time and yours.
Thanks for venting. Getting feedback like this is always interesting in that it shows how people think, even if the way they think is just all wrong. Whatever you do, don't cut your hair. It's looking great. You love it, we love it. That's all that matters. The important thing is we're all here for each other at those difficult times when friends/relatives give us an attitude about our hair, a thing that is so beautiful and benign and does not cause a single problem in the world, or at least it wouldn't if they would get a life.
LukeB
First of all, my sympathy to you as you go through your divorce. That is a difficult path all by itself.
As for your aunt, I say hand her back her worst fear on a platter. (And if it's not clear, this is all HER stuff, not yours).
What if you discover that you want to have sex with other men, she asks? Tell her that you are confident that if you discover that you want to have sex with other men, your hair is not the body part that you will make that particular discovery through.
Best if delivered in person. While her mouth is still flying open, smile. Wink. And say, see you later, aunty.
Robert
Hi Jason, (and hi to all other "vulnerable" good-looking men)
sorry to hear about the destructive remarks of your aunt. In this post, just let me say that short-hairs are generally much more "vulnerable" to being propositioned by gay men than long-hairs. I'm sure that many experienced homosexuals will confirm this.
In the male gay subculture, a short-cropped or shaved scalp is QUITE a fetish. Thus, my advice to all you good-looking men out there, if you do not want to be propositioned or tempted by gays, "for heaven's sake", KEEP YOUR HAIR LONG!
Best wishes,
Hans-Uwe
Gee, Hans-Uwe, that is a very strange way to word this reply to Jason...
Since Jason is straight, I doubt he will ever be "tempted" by gay men. This does not mean that good-looking guys, whether long-haired or short-haired, don't occasionally get "hit on" by gay men attracted to them. Maybe THAT'S what you were trying to say, --- that Jason will probably be hit on by less gay men if his hair is long, rather than short?
As a gay guy living in the gayest city in the USA (San Francisco, CA), I can vouch for the fact that the "in" look in the gay community is generally very short hair. Longhaired gay men are an extrEEEEme rarity (I'm puffing out my chest now, and proudly pollishing my shirt, --- can you see it form where you are sitting?). Whether long hair or short, though... most gay men I know do not, --- I repeat: do NOT --- really want to pick up straight guys, attempting to "convert" them (rolf!!! --- even the idea is ludicrous!!). Most gay men I know have a better "reality check" than that, --- as well as truly prefer not to offend, but to respect another's sexuality (as they themselves want to be respected).
And to Jason...
Your aunt has just as wacky an idea of what long hair vs. short hair means as she does gay vs. straight. You know you're not gay, so I hope you just laugh at her comments, --- just as you know her thoughts about hair length are ludicrous! And one other thing... what I've learned about "family" over the years is this: family are those near and dear to your heart, --- who understand & support & love you for who you are (WITHOUT "strings attached"). The closest family to me are my 3 step-brothers & step-mom, --- as well as amazingly wonderful friends, both gay & straight. That's my family. I have a few blood relatives remaining on the planet (although my immediate blood family, my real mother & dad & brother, are all deceased now). Some of these realtives I'm closer to than others... but the real point I want to make is: we can CHOOSE our family, more than we think we can!
Sincerely,
Ken in San Francisco
Hi Ken,
I agree, the wording is a bit strange (I forgot to put in some lol's and/or smileys), and I was indeed playing with the ignorance regarding homosexuality that is so prevalent in many ultra-conservative circles - hoping to elicit some chuckles or grins. I really hope I didn't offend you or any other gay person.
Hans-Uwe
I'm sorry your about to go through a divorce. Just know there are lots of people here supporting you and that care about what happens to you even though you don't even know it and will most likely never meet them.
As for your aunt, while I'm sure she's a good person after a fashion, I really don't know if I would even make an attempt to argue with her any more. Not that she's hopeless, but the chances it seems of changing her attitude towards anything seems hopeless. It's not giving up, it's just knowing when to conserve your mental/emotional energy that would be wasted and given over to negativity in pursuing a line of arguement with this person. Pick your battles and win the war.
And you don't always have to share the same genes with someone to be able to consider them family. There are plenty of friends and potential friends out in the world to help you get through your hard times. Lots of them are here too.
Good Luck, Bragi
For your very supportive comments.
I hadn't intended to contact her except for the fact of my divorce. It seems best from this point on to remain silent.
I also wanted to add the point that not all Jehovah's Witnesses are as extreme as her (and almost all of my family). Quite a few have expressed a more moderate viewpoint to me.
Knowing you can't change her view the best thing to do is vent here with people who will groan along with you at her uninformed thought process. Accept that she is not taking in information and whenever she starts in on your hair tell her you love her and value her as family then end the call. She may yet get your message to drop the subject.
Elizabeth
Your aunt's point of view is very pathetic.
