new thread
Hello all,
Not sure if anyone recalls but I do post at times mostly about hair care routines.
So Im posting again but on a different subject. The following are the problems I face as a longhair.
My main concern lies with image, I'm self conscious about myself but I usually dont let what others say bother me.
My mom and majority of my family hates long hair on guys and this has resulted in many past altercations. My mom is clearly making up excuses and basing her assertions on preference rather than fact. She incessantly calls long hair on guys white trash, male prostitutes (at least she says historically), homosexual, and unprofessional.
Her nagging consists of how I should get a 'trim' which I know will be more like a butcher taking five inches at the least. She says i'll never work anywhere or get hired with long hair and says that God dislikes it except in rare cases like Samson. And when I wear a ponytail she freaks out twice as much believing it to be a great affront to goodness.
So aside from all that drama I have another problem, my hair because of layers looks odd being twice as long in the back and sides and I dont want bangs. Also I do have a small frame and a sorta feminine face so I have been confused for a girl at my workplace at times by customers. I do have muscle though its hard to keep the weight.
This is very distressing because I wish I could have long hair while still looking a little manly. Even facial hair doesnt help because I can only grow around the chin, sideburns, and upper lip. Of course it doesnt help that when I get nervous in social settings I cant control the pitch of my voice and I tend to sound higher than I really am.
Perhaps the worst of it all is the fact that for all the negativity surounding my long hair I get no positive comments aside from how nice my curls are and how lucky I should be or that this lady has a son with curly hair. Sometimes I wish I could get some praise and admiration for my long hair journey but just like my writing and philosophy I get nothing out of it other than for myself. Which is not a terrible thing but if I could sunder my ties with mainstream society and be a hermit I would.
Having curly/wavy hair also adds frustration because my hair finally rests on my neck/shoulder area when wet but dry at times doesnt even rest at the very back. At times the thick curls feel greasy and yet dry at the same time. I hate the fact that I can never find a happy medium between dry and greasy.
My hair type still confuses me because of the straightness of some hair and the volumous curls in other places. I've been able to form ringlets but the short length infuriates me because I want to see some of the length. I used to use moisturizing shampoos but they seem useless and recently tried Paul Mitchells Tee Tree Shampoo which feels really nice but by using it every other day and abandoning daily conditioning my hair became very dry. Still every time I use conditioner it makes my hair feel really greasy. Thats another balance I would like to attain between clean hair and soft hair.
So this struggle for long hair has been a LONG one starting with several terrible trims and layers over the past three years. After finally feeling like a longhair growing since last June without a trim, I want to be proud rather than ashamed or worrying about my mother and contemporary society. I base my principles on timelessness rather than on the moody whims of shortsighted capitalists and the belligerent mongrels who rule without reason or compassion.
I would really love to avoid questioning my longhair so I can be strong against the constant nagging for a haircut, but even after all the indignation I dont know if I will be able to hold out.
Thanks for reading, I need some good advice even though reasoning never works with family. BTW Im 20 yrs old and in the process of moving back on campus but need money. I wont be able to move back till fall. I hope I can outlast this and have achieved one length by then.
PS. Would love to post pics, but need a digital camera.
It's funny how alike your story is with mine.
My hair is fairly tightly curled, forming ringlets, tubes and S-waves with no abandon. I believe it's classified as 3b/c hair on the sites that classify hairtypes, and I love it.:D
My mom has been staunchly adverse to me having long hair (or male at all) having long hair (this includes facial hair). Now that my hair is a bit longer (the back kind of touches my shoulders when dry) and a bit neater, she's warmed up. Of course, my mom seems more flexible on this than yours. The most I can tell you about parents is to just leave behind the criticisms and do what you feel you must. Parents are wonderful to have, but they are not your slavemasters, and you should not be a slave to anyone whatsoever. If long hair is your desire, then that's all that will ever matter.
About hair care routines - I've switched to the "Curlygirl" routine that requires you stop using shampoo and use only silcone-free conditioners (there are a ton, actually) to wash your hair (and yes, they do wash your scalp clean). Clarifiers can also be used to remove buildup, particularly clarifying conditioners. I've been on this method for nearly 3 months and I'm happier with my hair than ever. I can't say for sure it'll help you (since grease is one of your probs) but try it out. Do some Google research on it.
I've gotta run, but stay strong, dude.
Thanks Fallen for the words of encouragment, but sincerely speaking there is no way to even begin rationalizing with my mother. Its so difficult that I often reciprocate her ill words using my own, most likely hurtful. I know two wrongs dont make a right but sometimes fire needs to be fought with fire.
But like any good rational mind I most often focus on the argument rather than attack the person. I detest how people denigrate the joy of a true discussion by personally attacking the person speaking with them.
Also I would be appreciative if you could make a list of silicone free shampoo/conditioner. Thanks!
Sorry for not getting back at you sooner; I only saw your response now.
I totally understand the situation with your mother. It's far easier to say on paper (or perhaps an LCD screen), but sometimes leaving a problem behind is the easiest way to solve it. A mother isn't merely a "thing," but if you're just going to create a blazing wildfire by staying with her, then get out before you're both burned out. An alternative is the silent treatment, but I find both of these pieces of advice somehow cruel. I know now my situation is nothing like yours appears to be, but I just can't comprehend how a simple thing like long hair would cause SO much grief in one's own mother. It's surreal, almost. Wish I could give better advice, but in the end you just have to do what you must. And yes - an intelligent, rational approach to an arguement is far better than simply insulting the other person, but the problem seems to be that neither approach helps with your mom. Some things may indeed never change.
There are lists of these conditioners (only conditioners. I know nothing of silicone-free shampoos, and the Curlygirl method advises use of no shampoos at all, unless your hair is only lightly curled, in which case you use only a minute amount) on various forums, but finding them is a bit of a problem, so until I find the list, I can just tell you what I know and use.
All the Suave Natural conditioners are silicone-free. The two ingredients in it ending in "one" are preservatives. I hear the highest praise for the Suave Natural Honeyt and Milk conditioner. They're all fairly inexpensive and have nice scents. I've used the Aloe Vera and Waterfall Mist varieties as well, and they seem to work well. The Coconut flavor is supposedly good too.
I use Suave Daily Clarifying Conditioner about once a week to remove the buildup of oils/dirt etc on my scalp. Clarifiers are essentially shampoos, but certain clarifiers don't contain the harsh sulphates (I believe lauryl sulphate is the most damaging) most shampoos do. Another good clarifier is VO5 Kiwi-Lime Clarifying Conditioner (I think that's the name). I haven't personally used it yet, but I hear that it's excellent. Apple Cider Vinegar, diluted with a bit of water (not sure of the amount. It's not necessary, but most people seem to say to dilute it a bit, most likely to lessen the smell), is also a good clarifier, but doesn't remove as much buildup as the clarifiers. I use it every once in a while, and contrary to popular belief, no scent lingers if you wash it all out.
Other products I use are honey (just put it in your hair like you would conditioner and then wash it out if you like, but beware not to use too much; it can seriously get stuck between your hair), which, besides adding temporary shine (curly hair IS often kinda dull-looking compared to straight hair), is supposedly just good for your hair. You can use it on wet or dry hair and can either wash it out or leave it in. I've never tried leaving it in, but some people report success with it. Sounds like a sticky situation to me (lol, yes, bad pun). I also use jojaba/olive oil on my ends.
People mix various juices and oils together for their hair on this method, but I don't do any of this and my hair's fine.
I basically wash my hair with only conditioner every other day (though sometimes two or three days in a row with washes), randomly using the conditioner on my scalp itself. You basically just gently rub the conditioner on your scalp to remove the dirt and dead skin and what not, and then wash it all off with the water. I often leave in about half to 25% of my conditioner. And then the clarifying stuff once a week or so. Anything else is totally random.
Once again, I've gotta be on my way, but hope this rather long post helps.
Peace
Hi Tirion,
I'm sorry I don't have too much to say but I can relate to your predicament as I have family as averse to long hair as yours. In my case, they are not immediate family and have no power or control over me but it's still discouraging so I know what you're going through.
I think it might help to make it crystal clear to your family that you will not be really happy without long hair. If they care about you, they should at least consider that.
Jason
well i could see you going through more than i did man. and well just keep your head up and aim for the good things in life and change waht you can cuz you can! dont get discourge.
That is nonsense. I work for an international software company. My hair has not been an issue there. Most of the guys on this board are also fully employed, and those who aren't are probably not out of work because of their hair.
In my experience, a ponytail is considered more professional-looking than long hair.
Long hair does not make you look effiminate - look at Aragorn, Legolas, and Gandalf from Lord of the Rings for example. Your face might look feminine, but I don't think that hair length will have any impact there. A feminine face with short hair looks just as feminine as the same face with long hair.
BUT!
We are much more critical of our own features than other people are. I know every blemish in my skin, every imperfection in my teeth, and on a bad hair day, I know where every misplaced hair is. Yet when I mention this to friends, they tell me I have great skin, excellent teeth and neat hair.
You might feel you look completely effeminate, but you probably don't. I'd make a random pop-psychology guess that you don't actually look effiminate, but you like your hair long while others around you don't, so you look at yourself with effiminate-tinted glasses (so to speak) as an unconscious way of disliking your hair by proxy.
I do it for the same reasons. I grow my hair long because I like it long. People tell me I have neat hair, but they didn't always.
Your body - and that includes your hair - is yours. It is far more important that you are comfortable with it than mere outside observers like looking at it.
trim your hair in accordance with the Socialist lifestyle
Perhaps the best advice I can give is when someone says "When are you going to get your hair cut?" you could reply "Thanks for your concern, but I like it long."
Andrew
Well I believe she was refering to a conventional job where she states that the employer can decide not to hire you based on hair length. Yet I feel that would be a form of discrimination; nonetheless she sticks to comparison by counting the number of longhairs to short. Social comparison is immoral and lacks identity because every philosopher knows that a moral standard is timeless rather than contemporary.
Yeah I wondered about that as well, not that I am a devout christian anyway. I dont find myself tied to a semitic desert culture nor recongnize the dominion of a latinized name of God. No one yet can explain how so many religions even the very monotheistic Zoroasterian predates Judaism and the juvenile Christianity. Yet apparently God decides to make himself manifest thousands of years later after so many of his 'children' are lost to pagan religions.
Even the Hebrew tribes found that their self proclaimed global religion lacked true equality extending to their neighboring nations.
God may exist but he would not be bound by human limitation and thought. If anything neoplatonic belief seems far more sound than the idea of a invicible being who follows the same course of humans. Perhaps the Bible personifies God so he appears a bit more approachable and attainable.
You're 100% correct on the assumption because some days I feel different than others. Thank you so much for your words of reason , today I feel much better and have no inadequate feelings compelling for a conformist haircut.
Oh well when I criticize capitalism I never implied that I prefered socialism. Capitalism like any good natured idea can be exploited and twisted, I just think that this type of government commerce is becoming obsolete. Not saying I know of better way, I'm simply affirming my stand against American sentimentality and nationalism.
Sure the US is a good nation but it can be better and pretending that it is impeccable and incapable of wrongdoing is very naive and childish. The US is a fledgling nation, just recently entering a sort of rebellous state of teenage identity. And who can say that a teenage has the authority to proclaim superiority over the many more 'established' nations of the world?
Thomas Jefferson had much to say about the strength of a nation, one his famous sayings being that the people should always be in charge and it is their patriotic duty in fact to question and keep their subservient government in check.
So I am in no way an anarchist or a 'communistic liberal' or terrorist supporter, I am simply following the tradition this nation started on. The president serves us, the citizens who are the nation and the government should appeal to us because we own it.
Thanks Andrew, I hope my words do not offend, I question all and to me nothing is outside the realm of absolute truth, because the only absolute is that there are no absolutes. It is a matter of perspective and by such anything in the realm of tangible is subject to interpretation and criticism
Hi Tirion,
Sorry to hear you have such a hard time. You share this fate with lots of young guys who want to be themselves - not that this were any consolation, but there are ways to deal with your family. You might start by politely telling them to stop (eg: "Thank you soo much for your kind concern, but I'm doing fine, and I don't need that advice!"), and if they keep nagging you, you might cut the conversation short and perhaps leave the room whenever they start bothering you. If they think they have good reasons for short hair, they should have stated them by now - but, whatever reasons they might give, they can be refuted.
One more thing - whenever someone has given you a hard time because of your hair, make sure you spend a few moments "cleaning" your mind and mentally throwing out the toxic lines you are being fed eg by your parents. That way, you protect yourself from the long-term effect on your subconscious, and these toxic lines are prevented from exerting a "posthypnotic" effect on you a few years down the road. I know, this sounds strange, but I've seen guys who cut their hair when they got older, saying "I thought it was time to grow up", i.e. just what their mothers had hammered into them a few years earlier.
Even without having seen you, I'm quite certain, you have LOTS of reasons to feel GREAT about yourself, with your hair REALLY LONG.
I wish you lots of peace.
Hans-Uwe
Thanks Hans-Uwe!
Your words are perhaps the most beneficial to me right now. I cannot express my graditude for helping set my mind fresh without all the worries and irrational fears implanted in my mind. You are a true friend and give applicable advice when its most needed. :)
It just enforces the idea that the human mind no matter how individual will still snap or fall under pressure. Its a very psychological effect.
A good 99% of people who would probably be considered "white trash" I've met had buzzcuts or other super-short hairstyles. Cf the majority of people at my school, who heckled and harassed me about my hair so often that I had it cut years ago, and then had to go through the hassle of growing it back.
Never have I once heard someone say longhaired males were more likely to be prostitutes. Historically, there have been BILLIONS of men with long hair. The man called the father of the U.S. had long hair. So have an endless number of important historical figures, and I doubt many of them had enough time after their daily eight hours of changing the world that they were gigolos on the side.
Long hair is by no means in style in the gay community currently. There are some gay men with long hair, but many, MANY more have short hair, just like straight men, bisexual men, asexual men, and those who don't consider themselves to have a "sexual orientation"
There are thousands of influential longhaired men in hundreds of different professions of any kind imaginable. Doctors, attorneys, scientists, contractors, machinists, the list goes on.
There are longhaired millionaires. Does she think the money grew out of their heads like hair did? (if so, I know what my dream job would be)
Millions of men of every religion in the world have grown long hair. If God created mankind, he created their hair too, and if he wanted them to be shorthaired, doesn't it make more sense that their hair would never grow long?
No big deal. Getting confused with a girl isn't an insult (even if it is meant as one sometimes); you can even take it as a compliment, if you want. After all, people usually think girls have nice hair, right?
As for the differences in length, if you can find a stylist you trust, you can have a little trimmed here and there (I'm talking around 1", 2" at most), to even things up.
In all likelyhood, you look just as "manly" as you need to. In a few years, you'll probably be able to grow a full beard, Van Dyck, goatee, whichever you like. And if your voice gets a bit high sometimes, so what? You can't let things like that get you down. And probably, no one really notices. We're our own harshest critics.
I've felt that way before (especially the hermit bit). But what I've found I had to do is learn to stop caring so much what other people think about me, especially people who are either strangers or people who I hardly ever see and have done nothing out of their way for me. Why should I change who I am just to please them? They wouldn't do it for me.
Today, when I went to the nearby health food store to pick up some shaving cream, I wore a "skirt"; or more precisely something I bought called a "hiking kilt". One of the most comfortable things I've ever worn, by the way. No one payed any attention (I went to two other places too, where no one looked twice), except for the guy behind the counter, and someone right next to him, who both made it a point to stare repeatedly. I struck up a conversation about something completely different with the one behind the counter, paid for my things after he rang them up, and left.
Of course, learning not to care so much about the opinions of others can be hard sometimes, but you can learn to, right? Eventually, I think almost everyone does.
I have straight hair, but when my hair was "awkward-stage" length, I had problems a bit like that. I highly recommend Jason® styling gel or hairspray. It doesn't damage the hair, and really helps "tame" it, if used properly.
It may be that oil is on your scalp or roots, and not on your >hair< (the shaft part away from your scalp), where it needs to be. Try shampooing your scalp and just letting the water rinse the suds onto (and then off) your hair, and then just applying conditioner to the ends of your hair, but not your scalp. That usually works for me.
Hopefully, things will work out for you. Have you read Bill's "An FAQ on Being a Longhair"? If not, I definitely recommend it.
Good luck!
