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I recently found a very old message here from 1998 that I'd like to comment on. It was from a woman with a 3 year old boy with long hair who was seeking some input on letting his hair grow much longer. Had I seen the message then, I'd have said as long as your son doesn't ob ject, go for it. Today I wouldn't say that.
My son, now, fifteen had the most beautiful blonde hair when he was little (still does have blonde hair, but not nearly as beautiful, maybe). I loved his long curls and just let it grow and grow and grow. By the time he started school it was nearly waist-lenght and when it got to waist length, I kept it that long.
I was very careful to make sure that he liked his long hair. If he'd have ever said a word about it, I'd have cut it in a minute. But he never did, and I kept it long and even gave into temptation several times to do some really girly things with it, including a couple of perms, pretty much because he didn't seem to care.
I finally cut it because of continual problems with mistaken gender at about age 11. Not until very recently at age 15 did I learn that he never said anything because he thought I was disappointed in not having a daughter. Although that was absolutely untrue, it's what he thought and that's really all that matters. I learned that he suffered silently for years with teasing from kids at school. I feel awful about having kept his hair long because it was what I wanted and I just wasn't sensitive enough to realize what he needed wasn't what I thought.
So, I just say this to warn parents, long hair on boys is fun, cute, etc. but be ever so careful what your sons really think about it. If they want long, let it grow until it drags on the ground. But if they need it short to fit in with their friends, don't wait a minute to get it cut. They only have one childhood, don't mess it up for them.
MJ
Hi MJ,
I have to agree with you. We sometimes need to actively find out what our little ones want.
Small children are often quite "conservative", regarding hair length on boys etc, because they are not yet secure in they gender identity. Independently of hair issues, they need to be affirmed as males or females, they need to be told that mom and dad are proud of the fact that they are indeed a girl or a boy, respectively, and that it's a good thing that they will grow up to be a woman or a man.
You said another wise thing: "Long hair on boys is fun, cute, etc.... (but) they only have one childhood, don't mess it up for them." You deserve high prize for correcting your error. Its their hair and identity, not their parents'. Lots of parents ignore that and impose their hair ideas on their children in an incredibly arrogant way. Usually, this means forcing short-hair styles on their boys and letting them suffer for years, and these parents are unbelievably oblivious about what they are doing - usually, a kind of (sometimes pseudo-Christian) self-righteousness prevents them from seeing the damage they do to their kids.
I think it's a good sign that your son finally communicated his mistaken perceptions to you, so that you were able to apologize. I'm sure he'll feel secure as a man, and being assured of your respect for him, he'll feel secure to make his own choices regarding hair styles and other things.
My respect to you.
Hans-Uwe
But in the end, only they know their gender identity. Just because you have male biology doesn't defacto means you have a male gender identity, and the opposite is true also.
I'd say let them choose, and peer pressure is stupid in my opinion. I suffered enough from it, but would I be able to go back in time, I'd probably be less 'bending' about it and do what I want, not what is "expected of me".
Hi MG,
Thanks for sharing that with us.
Please don't feel guilty or anything over this.
I admire the fact that you let your son grow his blonde curls to waist length and cared and maintained it. It shows that you really love your son. It is also reasonable that you would have cut his hair at anytime if he wasen't happy with it. Small kids have small minds and so getting teased and mocked over his hair is not a suprise. They don't realise the harm they are inflicting. That fact that your son kept quiet about all this, until now, is a bit concerning.
My little cousin had the same problem , like your son. He grew his hair since birth and wore it at shoulder length with a fringe. He gave into the bullying at school and cut it a few years ago. He said that "people called me a girl". He also told me that he didn't intentionally want long hair, he was just born like that, so he was indifferent about his hair.
I know a hippie dude with longhair and his two young sons wear Iron Maiden t-shirts and both have waist length hair and are only about 10-12 years old. It is clear that they have long hair because their parents grow it and maintain it for them.
They seem pretty confident and happy with themselves. I actually mistake them for little girls because of the abscence of facial hair and height at such a young age.
If you sit down and talk to your son i think he should be cool about it all.You never know, he might decide to grow his hair back one day, on his own decision.
Hi MJ, I am inclined to agree here too, and I have hair that is almost to my knees.
This brings back memories of a church that I attended in Berkeley CA. There was a long haired couple that attended there and they had 3 small sons from 4 to 7 years old. These boys had nearly waist length to waist length hair. It is likely the parents thought that their sons looked cute with long hair. Their hair stayed long until they begged repeatedly to get it cut. Finally, the parents gave in and those boys seemed happier after having it cut short. I saw them years later as teenagers, and they still had short hair.
In some cases, male children are comfortable with long hair. Friends of my next door neighbours have a boy 8 years old with waist length hair. He has never had it cut in his life, and he is comfortable with it.
There is one thing to consider here. Before cutting it short, make sure they fully understand this: Once it is cut, it takes years to grow back.
Absalom
make sure they fully understand this: Once it is cut, it takes
years to grow back. ~Absalom
And from MANY responses I have read on this board over the years, this seems
to be the Number 1 concern coming from those striving to become Longhairs.
How many guys have worried themselves sick when it comes to making the decision of whether or NOT to cut.
The general problem with young kids is that thers not much difernce between the way they look or sound or there body size, or face shape etc. the main thing that defines them is there hair style and clothes they were. so it probbaly is best for young boys to have short hair.
I've never participated in the discussions at this forum, but I've followed it for a long time. I'd love to have long hair but because of my employment can't: I handle security for a shopping mall. But I do spend a lot of time observing and have some comments to make on boys and long hair.
First let me say if a boy, little or big, wants to have long hair, that's fine. I like it and am envious. But having said that, I know that there are lots of little boys who have long hair solely because mom wants it. And they usually do some pretty girlish things with it.
This mom for instance, seems surprised that her son was being teased about having waist length hair. But she says she permed it a couple of times. Can you imagine a little boy with waist lenght hair that's been permed? And she says but doesn't specify what other girlie things she did with it. No wonder the kid was being teased.
At my mall, I'm good friends with the employees of a beauty salon in our facility. And the tales I hear are amazing. Sometimes moms bring in young school age boys and specifically ask for girls hairstyles for them. And for pre-school boys, nothing seems to be off limits. They see little boys with pink hair ribbons, baretttes, you name it.
They have a young man who works at the salon who is gay although not flamboyantly so. (Not that there's anything wrong with that, remember Seinfeld?) But he enjoys doing feminine things with boys so they often steer these mothers to him to have the kids hair done. He's talked mothers into lots of perms on little boys as well as even done a few updos like girls would get for weddings. According to the women who work there, it hasn't taken much talking on his part to convince mothers to do these things.
They even had one boy whose mother talked him into letting his hair grow out so he could donate it to a program called locks of love. Then she only got about half of it cut off and had them perm the rest. The boy walked out in tears looking more like a little girl then most little girls. His age, they thought was about eleven or twelve.
So, if your boys want long hair fine. But if you wanted a girl but had a boy, try again. Or adopt one. Don't try to make your boys into girls. Like the woman said, give them a chance to enjoy their childhoods.
I say as long as it's not coercion or simply to make mommy feel better, the kid should have it however he wants. He could have it dyed anime-pink for all I care, IF that's what HE wants. Saying so and so things are off-limits just because of bigotry won't help the kind be open-minded either. You can tell him however that it's bound to make others think it's a bit more feminine than what they're used to, without pushing the issue.
I'd let them define their own identity rather than have it determine by mainstream.
I grew up having long hair as a kid. well for my first few years i had the crokked ceral bowl cut. (mostly becuase i kept moving while the scissors were active. I think my parents gave up and just let me grow my hair out. I did find myself seperated from the main group of people. A few made fun of me, but i never really took offense to it. I had a few freinds as a child, but i was by no means the most popular kid. I did well in school, and that has gotton me further then anything.
I did actully cut it short before my freshman year of highschool. I found that with short hair, i really didn't get treated that differntly. The more i thought about it. IT was more just becuase i didn't want to hang out with the main group of people. Im not much for doing things that every body else has to do. but thats more just my demeaner then anything else.
I cointuned to grow it out through highschool. I had the longest hair when i graduated (13th of my class) wore my sunglasses in my little robe, my hair flowing free. IT was a good day. I had my group of freinds i graduated with, they all had short hair. I think my long hair saved me from getting into more trouble when i was young. then again you never know. thatwas a few years ago too. (i gradutated highschool back in 1995) really not that long ago. wow its been 11 years? anways.
my son uassly has his hair butch cut. thats from his request. It is his hair after all.
Our son had longish hair when he was younger, although limited by my wife's insistence that he have regular trims. Quite a few people did mistake him for a girl, but he just thought that those people were stupid (as did we).
Then when he was 8 he decided that he wanted short spiky hair, so we just let him have that. I think he was motivated by pressure to fit in, but I don't think that it was because kids thought he looked like a girl. We only ever heard adults say that, not kids, at least not in that age group.
Later, when he was 11, he decided he wanted to grow it back out, and of course we had no problem with that. He is 12 now, and other kids say his hair looks cool, including girls that seem interested in him.
When our son was younger, before he cut his hair, he had a friend who had waist length hair. Of course, that was because we knew the boy's parents, and all four parents had long hair. The other couple have moved house since.
I find it hard to beleive that gender confusion could ever be a problem with an 11 year old, but then our own son never looked like a girl at any age or hair length. Maybe it was something to do with the perm?
Also, did his father have long hair, or was he even present in the household? If he had no personal experience of men with long hair he would be more likely to be affected by such taunts, whereas our son has been used to seeing both grown men and other boys with long hair. I'm sure that makes a big difference.
