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It's been over a year and their are still moments when I'm still not comfortable going out to certain public areas, I have this..."They are gonna look down on me" feeling with my long hair. I do realize this is more me and my insecurities than them. I attend a church gathering once a month for singles and so far I'm ignored like the black plague, I don't hover in a corner, I do go up and talk to people, I just wonder if it's my style of long hair and free spiritness that turns this particular crowd away...
from what i see your a great guy.......do you know for a fact that this church doesent like longhair??
Honestly, I used to have issues with feelings of insecurity, constantly considering what other people were thinking or saying about me, and I still do to a degree.
They most likely dont really think or even mention your longhair and probably just remember you being a nice approachable person. At least that is how it has been for myself.
The only advice I can really offer is to try and avoid self concious thoughts when in public situations, it is difficult but really the best thing
I've had some success with that so far and yes I believe that's the only way I'll be able to emerge from social gatherings with a true sense of accomplishment...
Honestly I don't know if they like long hair or not, I think this has to do with my insecurities and worrying too much what others think, I just wonder if I have a legitimate beef here? I just wonder if my appearance shys people away? All I do know is I'm not changing for anyone and I'm hoping the more I become social there will be someone who will like me for who I am...
It really wasn't that long ago that my hair was around where yours is, but I can't remember... anything about how it made me feel.
Either these feelings are a self-image thing, or the particular group you're with isn't the right one. Real helpful comment of mine, I know. <_<
I really don't like thinking of my hair as a security blanket, but it has a similar effect being mid-back. It's sort of like wearing armor: I feel protected, but a little weighed down. When I pull it back, it's like... "Ahhhh.... freedom."
I find my hair as a true reflection of who I am now...
To be honest.. I sincerely doubt the long hair has anything to do with how you feel. If you had a short, conservative haircut then you would probably find something else to beat yourself up about.
You are who you are and you can't change that. So be comfortable with who you are. All of us are insecure at times... you just have to get over it.
I hope this post didnt sound too negative. :)
True,
If I can become more comfortable with how I am now which is more truthful in appearance and inside as well I'll be more happy and more relaxed being around others. I'm wondering why I'm still uncomfortable? I guess it's a question I haven't been able to ask yet, some of this stems from my past being picked on so that does figure into it but I'm at a realization that I must somehow find the courage to truly me...
The thing is, everyone seems to view shyness/insecurity as negative things, things that must be dispensed with. Well, the two are different, particularly in connotation, but I digress. The point is, if you're not the most social person, why try to be something you're not? You can't truly be yourself if shyness is such an integral part of you.
There'll be situations where this fear of others keeps you from saying what you want to say and so forth; this is what you ought to work on. But just plain shyness, distance, worry, overthinking - these aren't necessarily bad things, dude, and if they're part of you, as they're part of me, then I say don't do away with them. They're qualities the right people will appreciate. Loud, brash people aren't always the ones people gravitate towards, and the people that do probably aren't the ones you want to know.
I'm painfully shy, so trust me, I know how it is. I've gradually tried to just say or do things that I've been afraid of (listen to Nike. Just do it:P), but I wouldn't give up my introversion for the world. It's who I am, perhaps who you are as well, and it's something you should take pride in.
The long hair is just a thing. What matters most in the end is how you project yourself to others, and your hair is likely to become a nonissue. Most of the time, people don't care about the little things we worry about nearly as much as we think. Really.
So just go out and talk to one of those folks, but never try to hide from your shyness. It's an uncommon trait in guys, and the right people will appreciate and indeed cherish it in the days to come.
HTH. :)
Thanks for reminding me of my healthy trait of shyness, it does come natural to me. I do come across as a shy but very caring person(my friends have told me this) who at times feels a bit frustrated by the feelings of insecurity he has to deal with and yes I do suffer from depression but in 4 years time I've been able to come out of my inner shell and start to reach out to people, I believe the frustration is in not finding true peace with who I am yet but I know I'm getting there, letting my hair grow was one of the big steps in opening up totally to my feelings inside...
Hope my post made sense, I believe it did,
David
Becoming a longhair involves growth underneath the scalp as much as it does on top of it. It takes about the same amount of time to get both kinds of growth. You want to cast aside the urge to conform and replace it with the urge to be yourself, but this change must be made "in your heart" (it's really in the subconscious of the brain when we say that), and changes there take time to make. You can no more rush these changes under the scalp than you can rush the growth up top.
Having long hair day after day, month after month, will in time cause you to accept it, accept why you have it, accept how people react to it, etc. When you finish the journey, other people will no longer own you. You will own yourself. A lot of people realize this, and it is what makes people on power trips especially uncomfortable around longhaired men. Our possession of these feelings in common make us a separate group in society more that "just having lots of hair". A man can't just throw on a wig and become a longhair. Everything inside would still be missing.
So give "the feelings" time. They will grow along with the hair.
Bill
Being ignored like the Black Plague hardly sounds "Churchy" to myself. Perhaps seek another Parish where what is preached IS practiced. Good luck in finding one.
Thank you,
Hopefully in due time I'll find a group of friends to hang out with that I'll feel truly comfortable being around with and won't feel any judgemental feelings coming from them...
David,
It is not easy being human for no other animal has the potential we have, and yet there is no instruction manual to tell us how to do it.
Yet if would be foolish to think that we need to reinvent the wheel. For that reason we need to collect a group of folk around uys who we trust but who are willing to think outside the box to give us guidance and feedback.
As Abe said, you can please some of the people all the time and all of the people sometime, but you cannot please all, all.
So we need to decide who we want to please.
In my experience, I think the best single guide about whom I would want to trust is a long hair. I will be the first to say that some of my best friends have short hair, but given odds I would trust a guy with long hair over a guy with a crew cut.
MY SO has shoulder length silver hair, and told me this very evening that sometime he got funny looks from people. I said to him that I was sure he was not going to let such folk intimidate him into conformity to their narrow world.
James
True James,
It's a lesson I'm learning now, trying to please everyone absolutely wore me out, now it's time and I mean this in a positive way, it's time for "David" to find happiness and to share it with others who truly care about him. When it comes to conformity, I shall never conform again, the unhappiness from it would be unbearable since I've been so closed up for so long emotionally from the feelings of trying to please others...
My experiences in life have tought me that it's not important to try and befriend everyone you meet. There are going to be people in the world who just do not like you, and nothing we say or do can change that.
The single most important thing we can do for ourselves is be happy with who we are, and be true to ourselves. When I meet new people, I wonder whether they'll like me. It's not even a thought.
That line should read, "I don't wonder..."
I too have fought with feelings of not being comfortable in public. I have been growing my hair now for about 7 months, and it is brushing my shoulders in the back. I am 52 years old, and for many years have been one of the "suits" with the appropriate cut, and this last year have been working out of town in a different industry. I recently had a meeting to attend back home with my family, and I saw many people I had not seen since beginning to grow my hair, and was a bit apprehensive as to the reaction. I got some looks, but no comments and no negative reactions. The main issue was in my own mind; that I am working to overcome.
Many people are faced with situations that cause concern over acceptance: those with newly acquired scars or deformaties; those who have had public legal issues; those who have had embarrassing issues with relatives; those who have had their "skeleton in the closet" found out; etc. The only difference is that you have made a decision to make a change. Over time the feeling of acceptance will come. The attitute I try to project is that "if you don't accept me for what I am, that is your loss, not mine. You are the one being close minded and exclusive". And that's really not the kind of people I want to associate with.
There are many churches out there that will accept you as you are. Don't let one negative event dictate how you proceed. If we never had any kind of negative event or action in our lives we would never fully appreciate the positive ones.
Stick to your guns, whatever they may be.
Big George
Thank you Big George and to everyone who responded,
The more I can become comfortable with myself of having long hair as a symbolism of truth the more I'll become relaxed around others even if they don't agree with my image, as you said it's their loss and in time I hope to find friends who will accept me for who I am...
May I ask your age and what type of work you do?
I like to be honest,
Right now I'll self-employed, I do a little yardwork to get by and I live with my brother, we help each other out since we lost our parents to cancer. I'm 42 and just recently started to open up from years of being closed emotionally and long hair is a symbolism of emotional and mental growth for me...
