new thread
May 9, 2006
On this day, I got up and went to work. I arrived promptly on time, and began work.
This week I have been working at one of our bankÂ’s branches, actually very close to my home, so therefore, a very short drive which was very nice not to have to get up so early. Right after lunch, my department head, by whom I am directly supervised arrived. He first talked to several of my other co-workers, then he asked me if I had a minute, that he would like to meet with me. Of course, I say sure.
We go down to the bank’s conference room and the door is shut. He begins by saying that he does not know how to tell me what he has to tell me. I was caught rather off guard by what followed. Shocked and upset afterwards. He began by saying that I HAD to get my haircut immediately, saying that a trim like I had been customarily getting every six months was no longer acceptable. The words, ‘severe hacking’ and ‘something drastic’ were used in the course of conversation. I just sat there with a sinking feeling in my stomach and started getting hot and red in the face. I could not make words come together. When he finished, I just somehow got the words, ‘OK’ out of my mouth.
After that, he goes into talking about how our annual performance evaluations are going to be on Friday, and follows with saying that he has recommended me for a larger percentage raise than would normally be done. I did say thank you for that. But, I donÂ’t think anyone could be so emotionally dead not to be able to see through my anger and dismay. Dangling a (bleep) (bleep) carrot in front of me to ostensibly make up perhaps for what had just passed. Not bloody likely.
I am not a violent person by any means, but during this discourse, I had such an urge to jump across the table and beat the (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) out of this guy. I have never been in jail or fired from a job, and really I knew better, but I really wanted to do it. It is quite amazing that sometimes some things happen as they do.
When he finished talking, I asked if that was all and got up and went back to my desk. I tried to start looking at another loan but I couldnÂ’t. I let it all get to me. I was so angry. Tears wouldnÂ’t come. It was intense ire, it was that destructive anger that takes all your energy. I had been caught out of the nowhere by the events which had transpired in the past few moments.
I had earlier been told that my hair length (near to/at the shoulders, always loose) was acceptable. I was told that no one had ever complained about me, my hair or my work. I had also been told that my reports on the bank reviews which I was in charge of were the best that had ever been done. All that really doesnÂ’t matter I suppose, if certain circumstances are present!
I think there are some factors at work that I donÂ’t want to believe are at work.
Fear: during the course of our conversation, my boss used the word ‘scared’ to describe the idea that “He was scared that HIS boss would say something to him about me and that it would make him look bad.” What we fear tells us who we are. It is the mind killer and the little death.
Jealousy: I cannot verify this but can feel it. My boss knows that I possess a degree of intelligence which he does not. When I use certain words in my reports or arcane word constructions, he sometimes does not understand what I am trying to say. When I quote bank regulations when debating over an issue with a loan, or quote from the loan policy on something we are trying to figure out, I think he sees it. When I did a write-up on our new bank name last fall, about the origins of the word and what it meant, I felt it then. We had paid a marketing firm hundreds of thousands of dollars to come up with a new bank name after our charter consolidation and the new name was ‘Ameris.’ The marketing firm told the management that it came from the Latin word for friend. They were way off! It’s the passive subjunctive present tense 2nd person singular form of amare meaning ‘to love.’ Translated as ‘may you be loved’ or used in certain clause constructions as ‘you are loved.’ Well, that is neither here or there.
So anyway, yesterday morning I got the following message, and followed with the response. My response is first.
From: Brown, Matt
Sent: Wednesday, May 10, 2006 8:33 AM
To: Smith, Jim
Cc: Wanda (HR Director)
Subject: Haircut
Thank you for taking the time to talk with me, and I can guarantee that the conversation will not be held again. Everything is very clear now.
I may need to leave early this afternoon or come in later Thursday morning however.
Matt Brown
Loan Review
________________________________________
From: Smith, Jim
Sent: Wednesday, May 10, 2006 8:07 AM
To: Brown, Matt
Cc: Wanda (HR Director)
Subject: Haircut
Matt, thank you for your time yesterday as I know that type conversation is not always easy for either party. In this email, I will document our conversation and my expectations. I need for you to get your haircut this week before we meet on Friday. Your hair needs to be what the HR policy refers to as professional. If you have any questions on this, look at employees or directors in the annual report or look at other employees in our department. Also, after this haircut is done, please continue to keep your hair at a professional length. We can not have this conversation again.
Thank you.
Jim Smith
VP of Audit
---------------------------------------------------------------
I did not like very much the tone of the message at all. It was curt and to the point for sure. Well, what was I to do?
I decided to do something that has caused me a great deal of dissonance and discomfort. Yesterday afternoon, I left early and went to the salon where I usually get my hair trimmed. To the charming Colombian lady who works there. She is so cool. She asked me if I just wanted the ½ inch off the ends like last time. I said no. I didn’t want to say no. I wanted to say yes. I said cut it more than that this time. She said why, and I said because it is demanded of me. She said that she was sorry, but that she would do it.
I suppose it really isn’t so bad after a night’s sleep having sewn up the raveled sleeve of care. Having realized that my ‘guarantee’ that I made in my response message was double edged. I have about five to six inches of hair left on top, a little shorter on the back and sides. I know as I sit here that at this very moment it is growing back. I know now what I am going to do. My path is clear.
I can very well guarantee that I will never have that conversation again because I wonÂ’t be there long enough to have it again. What a heck of guarantee! I wonÂ’t be posting a picture for a long time. I will continue to visit here to get inspiration and see how everyone is doing. IÂ’m out of there as soon as I get my affairs in order. Maybe by summerÂ’s end. The photo I posted a few days ago will serve for me as I reminder of where I was, and where I can go and surpass in the future.
For a long time, I have had ideas of many possibilities of things to do for a living that were a more effective use of my abilities, more pleasing to me, more profitable, more enjoyable. Now what am I doing? I am going to get back in school, get my masterÂ’s in Latin/Classics and teach school. I guess for the longest time, I have seen myself doing that and for one reason or another took a different path. Sometimes it takes a symbolic slap in the face to get one going in a different direction. I have finally reached a point over the past few years where I could make a decision based on what I want rather than what I thought I wanted or what I thought some one else wanted. For me, thatÂ’s a big leap.
Now, why have I gone prattling on for so long? I want to say that I love long hair, that it means a lot to me, that I will have it truly for myself one day. And am I undertaking all this for that alone? No, not at all. It really is just the tip of the iceberg, the catalyst so to speak which through various means has set into motion things which can have the potential to make at least one guy (me) a little more at peace with himself and his surroundings. I look to the future and remember the past, but only have the very moment that I am in to live. I enjoy this moment and revel in it, knowing in this place I have no other duty really than to accept myself as I am and go in every moment in that same way.
And what has a person gained from reading all this. Nothing other than to make your life yours, to do what you know you should, and to embrace what you love, and to hold on to it. Not to accept anything other that than your highest expectations.
In closing, I did compose a few words that expressed my feelings on what transpired that I am sending to both my boss and the HR director on Monday, and am going to ask that it be placed in my employee folder. It is rather a long read, but I will attach it below as well.
To write it, I received some inspiration from a very wise man (he wonÂ’t see this, but he knows who he is), some ideas and words from him, and some from me. Whether or not you agree or not with all of it is irrelevant. It does sum up much of my feelings on the subject however. It follows:
I was once told that “If you don’t understand, I can’t tell you.” This was long ago and for a long time I did not understand what that meant. I understand it perfectly now. Usually when I say something to someone and I get a blank stare of confusion, I leave well enough alone. But sometimes, for various reasons, I am persuaded to try to explain a thing or thought. I use not harsh words, not vituperations, not invasive tactics, just gentle words, honest and hopefully well thought out.
There are many things in our world, in our country, and in our society that we like, and conversely, many that we do not like. There are also many things, be them people, places, ideas, or even beliefs that we do not always fully understand. I try in my daily path to release myself from knowing this thing or that thing so that I may understand or learn about this thing or that thing. I expect the same of all those I interact with to strive to do the same. Although this expectation is not always met, to lower my expectation to any other level would be very unacceptable to me.
As well, we are all often told, and have been told so many times that life is not fair. Well, that is true in many ways. We are all born a certain way, with certain features, with certain physical characteristics, and with certain abilities. While things are not always fair in those respects, there many aspects of unfairness that can be made more fair by thinking through a thing, from putting oneÂ’s self in a different position, or even thinking of a thing from a totally different perspective. Things can also be made less fair by reluctance to imagine, fear of the unknown, or an unwillingness to look deeper. These exercises are often very difficult for us, if not nigh well impossible in many situations, and yet with effort, it is possible and very healthy.
There have been many times in the past and there still are instances in which I will make a decision or make a value judgment based upon what I think I know, or what I have always been told, rather than what actually is right in front of my face, presenting opportunities to grow and learn that I passed over and did not even know. That said, I seek not sympathy or special treatment for anything or circumstance, but I do seek understanding and expect that those with whom I interact, and those by whom my fate is controlled to a certain extent to rise to the occasion and think and ponder for a few moments on things they never knew they never knew, or let go for a moment of what they know they know.
Firstly, I begin by saying that I do not in any way have notions of being a troublemaker, a rebel, renegade, or anything of that sort. The gentle reader may very well wonder why that after several conversations/warnings, after several subtle hints and stealthily placed comments, that this writer has not complied to the request from the readers to go about sporting a closely cropped head of hair, keeping said appearance within a tight parameter of acceptability that is unwritten, ostensibly understood, and it is not exactly or to the letter specified in any certain way by means of an employee dress code, except in a highly subjective manner, open to interpretation at the caprice of the interpreter of the words.
It is true that it is rather uncommon for a male employed in the banking industry to have any sort of style or way about himself that is not very mainstream, or widely accepted in manner. Now while this may be suitable for many of us, to some it is unsuitable. I have chosen to have a longer hair length over the past few years for much the same reason that anyone has any hair length: because I like it. This might seem rather superficial, but is no more valid or invalid than any other argument that can be made one way or the other. And yet, my choice and reason goes a little deeper as most things often do. Things or characteristics that make us different or set us apart, some times acceptably, sometimes unacceptably, are also those same things that often make us who we are. Not the one who we seem, but what we feel, what we believe, what we love, what we treasure. There are many things that if I were to know about those closest to me, my friends, my family, my co-workers, that I might be pleasantly surprised to find out, maybe even shocked to find out. We do not often share what is truly inside of us, mostly I believe, out of fear, out of being thought abnormal, out of being made fun of, or perceived negatively.
The following may be dancing metaphorically on the edge of the cliff, but I will say that for me, spirituality and religion are inextricably intertwined, and one can not exist without the other. To me, having longer hair is a beautiful expression of my very being. It is an extension of my thought and prayers. I do realize that for many this is difficult to understand. However, please do try to appreciate that there exists a universal serenity that we have when we are in harmony and unity with all living things through our connection to our Creator, among many thing, one of them being hair. I see the beauty of our Creation in everything every day. Whether it is a little green frog, a blade of grass, or a smile from a friend, these things just serve to reinforce the beauty of life, and remind me too of its fleeting nature. ItÂ’s a thing to be lived and enjoyed, not thing to be feared and waited upon. It happens all around us in every moment, we can stop it not. We may think we master it, we may think we have it figured out, but take a look up at the night sky on a clear night, and tell me what you master there. Tell me where the end of the universe is!
Restrictions against male hair presence are so common and so firmly entrenched within our cultural mores that most of us take them for granted. We hardly consider the extent to which men must go to feel respected in modern American society. We may well
doubt that a male orthodox Jew who has had to make a choice between forgoing life sustaining employment or shaving his face and/ or cutting his hair in defiance of the spiritual tenets in which he believes, could appreciate the restrictions our society have placed upon him. Hair not only symbolizes the self, but is the self, in that it is a part of the human body. Our hair is natural. There is nothing unnatural about keeping the hair our Creator has given us. If God wanted all men to have short hair not more than an inch or two long, why did he make nearly every one us men so that his hair just keeps on growing and growing, if one so desired and if one possesses the genetic potential for a maximum length of anywhere from two to four feet?
I believe that a man's vitality and strength reside in his hair (remember Samson?), and that his hair is a gift from the Creator. I believe that haircutting is unnatural and, hence, un-Godly. I must note that people will normally succumb to within-group cultural pressures to conform to an appearance expectation, even at a cost of discomfort or disfigurement. Examples found within non-European cultures include the wearing of lip discs, neck elongation, head molding and scarring. I therefore argue for the placement of male hair cutting in the same class as the aforementioned forms of bodily mutilation. All are irrational and involve expenditures of money, time and/or the sufferance of pain, either physical or mental that is not inconsequential. All involve processes that are tolerated at the behest of dominant social forces by which those who submit are coerced.
An argument given against longer/long hair is that it is somehow offensive to our customers or makes one untrustworthy. How can long hair be offensive on employees, yet for our customers it is not? Would our company refuse to allow a long haired man in the bank simply because of an arbitrary rule? I do not believe so. For example, one can bank with us with green, spiked hair, leather biker apparel, body piercings in several locations, or unruly, noisy children and be served without question. But, to have a male employee with long hair? Forget it! Does this make sense? How fair is it to base the decision to trust a person solely on that personÂ’s hair length? This would be almost as unfair as basing trust on whether or not a person is male or female, black or white, or even old or young. Trust is a thing to be granted sparingly on those who have worked hard to deserve it, not because that certain person meets someoneÂ’s definition of pretty or typical in appearance.
Now clearly, having long hair or any unconventional way of dress or appearance is
inevitably a choice, but, even so there are many things that are choices. Would it at all be acceptable for any employee to be told that they were too overweight? What about telling someone that they were not attractive or too hard to look at? What about telling a female employee that their hair was too short? Of course, it could be argued that the preceding scenarios are somehow different, but in principle, they are all exactly the same, their only difference is in the degree of the thing. Diets/exercise and appearance changes can be executed or accomplished in many ways. Any of the preceding events would never be acceptable and are never questioned as unacceptable. Yet, in a different set of circumstances pertaining to male hair length (asking/requiring a male to get a hair cut), it is regarded as perfectly acceptable. How could this be so? This is where the idea of a thought exercise comes into play. I am unable to comprehend the gnarling tangle of logic that leads up to such an erroneous conclusion, that not having been an accusation in any way, only the sum total of societal forces surrounding us all, and influencing us all with us mostly unaware of said forces.
I thank the readers for their time and patience.
Hi Bragi:
Wow...I don't know what to say. I admire your professionalism and for being so even-headed (is that the expression?) Sounds like you have a plan laid out to get to a better place where you can grow your hair out, and I'm glad you're sticking around the board. One question: Is there indeed a written policy on guys' hair in your office?
Best wishes,
Jeremy
Jeremy, thanks so much for your kind words.
The policy reads thus: Hair should be clean, neat, and kept out of face. Hair should be kept at a conservative, professional length.
It is not specific as to male or female specifications.
See you later, Bragi
Hi Bragi,
I have just read your post on the board and I'm really sorry you had to go through that and there is nothing worse than an employer getting you over a barrel over dress code. I'm sure you have plans to find alternative employment and I think after all it's a personal decision to grow you hair out.
Keep us updated on how it goes. For sure I can understand you are a bit low now but hair grows back and as least as this Brit says "onwards and upwards" and don't let the b**tards grind you down as it's not worth it.
Cheers,
John.B
Thank you John, I need a little of that Churchill-era British stoicism right now! My hope springs eternal. No grinding down can happen.
Well, I read all that and then searched for the update pic and to say I'm gobsmacked is a massive understatement. Not being familiar with the regular posters on the board, when I was reading this sorry tale I was picturing a young guy in his late teens or early 20s for some reason - then I see a totally respectable-looking mature man with neat collar-length hair. Not that that makes it any worse per se, just somehow even more unbelievable that these attitudes prevail. To HAIR! It's HAIR!!! I'm just totally stunned and feel so sorry for men being subjected to this insane descrimination...
Having said that, it's amazing to hear how positively you are approaching the situation and wish you complete success in your change of path. As with many unforeseen changes, it may well turn out to be the best thing for you. At the risk of sounding nasty, may your boss be eternally jealous and regretful of his actions; I hope your contribution at work will be sorely missed!
I hope I'll still be dropping by this board to see you in your new incarnation with your hair as long as you ever dreamed of.
Thank you, long haired wife, I too was gobsmacked (I've never heard that word before, but I like it).
Yes, hair, it's everything and it's nothing. I hope I can meet your expectations for the future picture.
Bragi,
What a well-written and deeply insightful post! I'm so sorry that has happened to you. I've often wondered if this nightmare scenario would ever play out in my own job. I have no person-to-person customer contact so I think I'm pretty safe but it's still something I occasionally think about.
I imagine you've wondered if this would ever happen to you and to finally face the reality of it must be so devastating. I admire your determination to pursue a different life course, one that will allow you more freedom to be you and to not be boxed in by conventions of society - arbitrary as they are.
My one thought as I read of you getting the haircut was whether you could have asked for a few more days to mull your decision. Would it have been possible to either find a new job (even a temporary one) or perhaps reason more with this person or with Human Resources?
Jason
Thanks, Jason. I mostly decided to get all that down on paper to resolve it in my mind and to serve as a warning to others so that they can avoid it, guard against it, prevent it from happening to them. I don't want anyone else to go thru it.
I hope you never have to experience such a thing.
There was no negotiation to be done. Reason is lost on the unreasonable.
Oh Bragi, I'm so sorry for you =( Don't worry, I'm sure you'll deal with the situation and find another job that fits the person you are =) Either ways, I likes reading your post a lot, very wise words you used and that can be aplied not only to hair lenght but to everything in the world... You know... humanity was born free, but during life this same humanity keeps itself in a cage... This is the world we live in. It's good to have people like you who undersrtand the true sence of freedom... I wish you the best luck buddy =)
You too are a wise fellow, far beyond your years in your wisdom. Muito obrigado, meu amigo portugues.
Abracoes, Bragi
Hi Bragi
I am so sorry that you have been put through all of this. So unfair and uncalled for..........and yet your behavior and writings to the boss show that it is YOU that has a grip on reality and he is a hollow nothing and very insecure.
I am most sure you will be doing what needs to be done in freeing yourself from this present job, but do understand that the income is needed until something better comes along.
Sometimes in life a bad experience only ends-up for the better in the long run. I can only hope that all you have gone through over this is really a "Gift in disguise" of things to come.
Again, I am sorry that this dreadful and unfair ordeal you have been put through ever happened.
At the risk of being shot-down by everyone on this board: had you been in the "Minority catagory," something like this would probably never have happenned. But had it...........I doubt the courts would look kindly towards that Bank. And they know it too!
Justin
Justin, good and fine words you impart unto me. You are so correct, when one door closes, a window will almost always open. I think this whole thing will serve only to teach and strengthen me in the long run. I am not sure about the minority part. I don't know much about that area.
A thousand thanks, Bragi
One thing to bear in mind is this all screams to me the bank
is about to be swallowed up by a larger bank and if
you didn't comply you'd be one of the 2-3 thousand who'd loose
their jobs.
I've seen lots of banks get swallowed up by other banks,
what invariably followed was many branches closed,
many employees laid off.
Matt, I'm so sorry you had to go through this ordeal!
I hate to say this, but the people who will read that well-written letter probably have the IQ of George Bush. Iran writes the U.S. for the first time in decades with a long well-thought-out letter, and what does George do? He throws it in the trash. I can imagine what George would say, or the men who read your letter will say: "That's a mighty pretty letter, but we ain't gonna have no hippies workin' here."
Your letter enabled you to get your thoughts down for yourself, and it enabled you to share them with us, at least, so it was nevertheless very worthwhile.
This is water over the dam for you, but as a learning experience for others, one must remember the two week rule: Never cut long hair unless for two weeks running, you have not wavered once in your desire to do so.
There are several ways to make one's point about needing two weeks:
If you've looked that way and worked there for longer than two weeks, point out how long you've looked that way and that two weeks one way or the other won't make any substantial difference.
Point out that a change in your appearance will affect others (such as your wife!) and you will need two weeks to consider the request.
And in any event, mention that you don't make decisions with lasting consequences without ample time to think them over, and two weeks will be the time you need.
Courts commonly allow lawyers 30 days to answer a suit. No one will have all of the issues come to mind immediately! One literally must sleep on it, and one must also consult references or other people for counsel. Taking reasonable time is not a renegade idea; it is what is normal in adversarial situations. Their request that you cut your hair may or may not have been unreasonable, but their request that you give them an answer is so short a time was clearly unreasonable.
Bill
Thank you Bill, You are my hero!
Yes, that is correct. We do have some really talented people, some very nice ones too. But some of those who weild the power, well yes, the probably would say just that having read the letter.
I saw the thing about the Iran letter and just shook my head. This is not the forum to discuss that, but you're right.
I hope that there will be those who read it who can apply it in their own life and be made better by it.
I am a big fan of the two week rule, and I mentioned it, I forgot to include that in my letter, but that was shot down quickly. It was by Friday or 'ELSE'. I almost got up and walked out of the room, but didn't. The rest of the points are of course all true, all applicable, and all reasonable.
And as Bill has said, to all you readers, to all you lurkers, to all you posters, read it all, take it to heart.
I have to disagreee. While the the two week rule is a good
one it doesn't apply in this case. The Bank ultimately
can fire an employee in a matter of seconds.
So it comes down to the question, which is more important?
My hair or this job?
Ultimately there are few jobs where you can
give your employer a request for two weeks
to consider cutting your hair. Unless you have your
own business and are your own boss then what your boss says
goes. End of story. Your only option? To walk.
Ultimately your boss can tell you cut your hair by in
twenty minutes or you're fired. You have little recourse except quit.
Remember the golden rule. He who has the gold makes the rules.
Bragi
What can one say express considerable sympathy that such an uncaring person should put you in this position and at least congratulate you on keeping calm.
It is easy with hind sight to be wise but I wonder whether you should have taken this to the HR Director yourself - after all if something had been acceptable in the past why not now. This guy seems to have used his nominal power to bully you - possibly for his own gains or to satisfy some perverse desire to be 'boss'.
It will grow back and if you are getting out of this bank then there is little more to be done. Perhaps if you can confirm your new direction by the fall you should let it go and challenge him should he say anything again. Few forms actually want either bad publicity or a legal fight.
Hi Bragi,
just reading about what they have been doing to you, and how they really pushed you, makes me feel the hurt, and it makes me mad, too. Thank you so much for letting us know, and giving all of us a chance to take time reflecting about how we'd deal with such a situation. That way, we could take Bill Choisser's advice, if anyone of us ever gets into that situation. At the very least, that should buy us some time.
Using such short deadlines is destructive, and it's probably not legal in most states, countries, and work situations. By the way, I highly doubt that they can do anything with the letter you'd place into your employee folder - but then, again, someone might understand it.
In any case, you deserve much better, and a guy with your background should be able to secure a different kind of employment. Even in Germany, where Latin tends to be offered at more schools than in the US, people who can correctly determine grammatical verb forms are rare these days.
(Having said that: After a year-long decline, the interest in Latin is on the rise again here, and if you know German, you could perhaps land a well-paid job as a high school teacher for Latin and English ;-)
I hope that you find a good new job quickly.
Wishing you rapid healing, peace, and happy regrowth,
Hans-Uwe
P.S.:
Did it occur to you that your superior wants to get rid of you? If your intelligence exceeds his, he has reason to feel threatened, since your next promotion might cause a role reversal or even make him redundant. If a superior can't fire a person he dislikes, the next best thing for him is to start a mobbing campaign, making that person leave on his own accord. - Thus, the "hair issue" may have been a pretext or a tool rather than the real issue, and it would not have worked if there had been just one more male long-hair...
In any case, you deprived the b***ard of the opportunity to berate you for loosing your temper - I'm sure he would have preferred you having to leave because of some "unreasonable" response on your part...
I hope and pray that you find a better job soon.
Hans-Uwe
Hans-Uwe, Please don't be mad. I had no intention of creating negative energy by making that post. The whole situation has passed. It has passed over me and through me, and only I am left. I look back and remember and I have forgiven the situation and myself. I have learned.
I don't know any German, and could hardly imagine trying to teach Latin to native German speakers! I suppose it would be possible, but true, almost innate fluency in another language takes so many years to acquire, and truly, I have never been able to do it with any other language, except English of course.
I would like to make a visit to your fair country one day however.
Thanks, Bragi
Hi Bragi,
thanks a lot for your thoughtful response.
My initial guts reaction is to feel mad if I see how someone wrongs another person, that's why I ranted a bit in my posts - hope I didn't create negative energy myself. In any case, being mad is not my lasting attitude.
Forgiveness is both the smartest and the best moral decision, a kind of "via regia" to stop negative persons or events from gaining power over me and to neutralize negative energy. Plus, you are absolutely right, what's over is over.
My highest compliments to you for your thoughtful and mature approach.
Let me know when you have a chance to come to Germany. - By the way, there's no need to downplay your gift for learning other foreign languages like Spanish, Portugese, etc, even if Latin has helped you with that ;-)
Good luck to you with everything.
Hans-Uwe
I'm very new here and am just catching up on all that has happened. Thank you for sharing what must have been an extremely painful event. Definitely a situation that most of us should consider. No matter what they do, though, they can't change the way we think. It is by will alone that we set our minds in motion... ;-)
I just skimmed through your post, but I commiserate. That guy sounds like a total dick. I bet he's unpopular with everyone.
Yes, you are correct on that assumption, you have no idea.
I would not have complied, but then I am one of the most stubborn people I know. I would go for stalling tactics, e.g. have the usual trim, walk in and say "I got it cut", for example. If you have decide to quit anyway, then you as may as well do that. Still, it's too late for that advice. You probably aren't as downright awkward as I am!
OTOH, if the dress code calls for 'professional length' for both sexes, you could easily actually legitimately comply without cutting. It depends whether you are comfortable with, say, putting your hair in a bun. That's bound to get a "that's not what I meant" reaction from the boss, but I bet the girls aren't even expected to do that much.
It all depends on whether you are prepared to antagonise the bosses. If they had already done the same to me, then I would be, personally speaking. And I would have my resume in circulation the same day.
Still, you've made your decision, and it sounds like you will be a lot happier with life after banking.
I would not comply either, if I was in that situation. Here is a ruthless tactic which won't get your job back, and will make some enemies, but might be very satisfying, none the less. I would strongly consider picketing in front of the bank entrance. Hit them where it hurts. Scare away some of their potential customers and cost them in lost business. If even 2 or 3 potential loan customers are convinced to go elsewhere, that bank could lose hundreds of thousands of dollars in business. After what they did to you, they deserve it.
Absalom
I seriously toyed with the idea of taking some Round-up spray and going out to the large grassy area between the buildings, and spelling out, "Ameris is the DEVIL!"
The thing of it is that the overwhelming majority of the rest of the employees of the organization would have supported my position, but inasmuch as that would diminish them somehow in certain eyes, it would not happen. I can't judge a whole body corporate by the actions of a few bearing ideas of a maleficent nature. Then I am no better than those who seek to feed of my pain.
I have a stubborn streak a mile wide, but I guess it was not enough. Not long before I am out of here however.
I could have fought the power, but sometimes things are left better unfought. I will go silently.
Man, where the hell are we living? in what society? why cant we all just accept each other without making standards?
well done dude.
We are not so very well civilized as we think. All those traits that helped us survive and become that which we are for millenia untold, those things now which brought us such an attaintment, can destroy us if not managed properly. Acceptance comes by one when that one accepts himself unconditionally. That is quite uncommon.
Thank you.
Bragi,
Wonderful post!
I think the writing is on the wall that you have outgrown your workplace, and that it is time to move onward and upward!
Find employment in a competing line of work that embraces diversity, and mow down your old employer with your exemplary performance at the new job.
The shoe does not fit anymore. A tree cannot grow in a flower pot.
Bring your business to places that you know are socially responsible - vote with your pocketbook.
- Oren
Oren, I saw the writing on the wall and ignored it, naively hoping it would fade in time. I was wrong and I know that now. I doubt I will find myself in any competing line of work, but in any other line of work, outshone would be my present serfdom, not by direct means, but in a larger sense by the positivity thus created.
Aloha, Bragi.
Well, no need to thank me for reading, first off - I enjoyed going through your words from first to last, and at times, I found phrases, metaphors, comparisons and indeed just words that jumped out at me as a sign of a writing intellect, a vocation, far deeper than that of just working at a bank. I don't mean to offend anyone that does work in a bank, but everyone has been given a particular gift or two, and in your case, the bank gives very blunt scissors to even take off the ribbons.
I'm also quite pleasantly surprised at your writing; I've only ever seen quick little posts from you, many in languages I'm not even familiar with! lol. But here I finally get to see a bit more of who you truly are, and it's a glorious sight. I'm glad you've shared this with us.
You may have lost some hair, but what matters is that you've found the right path for you, or at least, the less-wrong path, if there may ever be a right path for any of us. Loving long hair, loving life, doing them just because you love them - that's not superficial at all; it's superficially superficial, if anything. Wanton hedonism? Maybe not. But then, with this one life, should we not do what feels right to us, what we...love doing? Are you really going to waste irretrievable seconds, minutes, hours, DECADES wearing a hideous mask you hate?
The Creator is to me a great goddess - just as the mother gives birth to the child, the goddess gave birth to the entire universe, the universes, whatever's out there. We should respect what the Creator has given us, including the hair on our head. I mean, it's no eternal damnation to cut your hair into little lilac-streaked spikes, and on a larger scale, to "remix" or "remold" Nature into cities and spaceships, but there comes a point at which we're not who She created anymore, and perhaps we don't even want to be. Long hair on a guy is just long hair on a guy, but perhaps it is more, a symbol of who we once were, who we can be, and who we are. On the other hand, I would hate to force people to grow out their hair just as much as I hate haircuts being enforced on longer-hairs. It's all somewhat hazy. I believe that we should strive to be as natural as we can, because at that one point in creation, were we not as perfect as the Creator was? And yet, outward appearance is just outward appearance - the body can be your temple, but in the end, the soul is your entire universe, and I guess what I'm getting at is that we should strive to reach as close to that point in creation as we can, physically or otherwise. It's better if we are both spiritually and physically at peace, because then we are more complete, just as the ancients believed us to become human only by accepting and uniting our male and female sides. Unity, peace. There's no need for war in this fleeting world, particularly over something as trivial as long hair. If we let all our petty worries go, we could really become something.
Just a note - I think some anti-longhair fundamentalists may view long hair as a sort of disciplining temptation - it always grows, so the righteous man will forever continue to cut it. This, however, doesn't explain factors like MPB in a really satisfactory way.
Hair is hair, but it is a part of all of us, and by finding what combination of everything in the universe makes us feel the most alive, the most right, we can finally sit back and relax, because then we'll know, and then we'll be free.
Best of luck to you in your continuing journey, and may your hair be as super-long as your post one day. :P
Yes, Fallen Angels, Thank you and you are welcome. It does get all hazy sometimes. The masculine opposes the feminine and the feminine, the masculine. But they unite together to make something more. Like the tree making the bridge from earth to sky. All is just One with the perceived separation and duality and dichotomy only a figment of the mind. The truly one mind thus separated and knowing it not. When you see the separation is unreal, then you see that which is and what you were and are, that innocent one that had just begun. You reattain it having thus released the illusion of self and ego. That ego which tells you that it is in charge. Release it and forgive it and you are free. It has all already happened in a single eye-blink anyway. What unfolds before us is that what we project. I made my own situation. It was the culmination of a thousand or ten thousand thoughts, words, and actions leading to a certain juncture from which there are an infinite number of possibilities. Like threads in a loom being woven together. Those not yet woven in have the potential to fall in different wave patterns, and tell of different possibilities. All comes to be woven in eventually into One whole, back to which point it began. The whole of it can't be seen if you are in the pattern. The ego tells you that you are woven it so tightly, your soul tells you the ego lies.
Thanks Fallen Angels!
One time I was offered an interview for a position at a bank. I was going to go but later decided to forget it. Bank workers are like robots, and they expect you to act like one and obey command without question. You are often expected to work more than 12 hours a day, and there are lots of things that can happen that will have your pay taken away (such as losing money and stuff) and there are pressure to sucker people into credit loans as well. Also I have not seen anyone that work at banks that does not look professional, complete with haircuts and everything. I would much rather work in IT industry, even though they do expect long hours as well but they basically dont care about hair length or have any dress code. If one company have dress codes there will be thousand more that doesn't. Next time if you come to Taiwan go to a computer market, almost all salesmen there wears jean and T shirts and many have long hairs as well... although IT in Taiwan is quite competitive so if you are not the best expect to be washed out quick.
Not all banks are like the one you describe or mine. The tide turns the other way slowly. I hope you do well in the IT field.
Hi Bragi,
Well, I think you definitely made the right decision in leaving that place. Of course, the whole thing was more about 'control' than 'hair' - you were, in effect, being asked to violate your own body, and you were both bribed (with the pay rise) and threatened (the underlying tone of "submit or lose your job"). Anyone would get upset if they were subjected to all of this, and in the space of one 'conversation' too!
You have obviously figured all this out for yourself, though it is regretable that you cut your hair in the process, that way they have won the battle if not the war:)
My own situation is somewhat similar - to advance my career (and therefore my pay), I know I am expected to look 'professional' - regardless of what company I work for!
Unfortunately, that is how our society works. So one has to, in effect, 'side-step' this unhealthy obsession. You seem to have found a way to do that.
Lastly, I think that this is another example of a bad thing becoming a good thing - you will end up much happier in your new job AND you will have long hair.
Good luck!
I am not gone yet, but the time draws near. I play no more power games and let no one feed off of my power. That is usually what it is all about.
Bad has already become good.
I wish you luck too. Be safe and be strong!
I am terribly sorry about such an injustice that you had to endure. I personally feel that was completely uncalled for on your superior's part.
I see this as him trying to say; I am in charge here.
They say they want hair to be a "Professional length" but that really doesnt make sense. Was George Washington not professional with his long hair?
A friend had to endure something similiar last summer and he willingly left his job because of it. He has long hair down to his waist which he kept in a segmented ponytail. After 3 years of working for some corperation, his boss told him he needed to get it(his hair) all cut off, because it didnt look professional(my friend is an eletrical engineer) He killed them with kindness in my opinion.
Instead of saying YES or NO, he simply smiled at them, got up and said; Sorry for wasteing your time. And then left.
Instead of argueing with them about it. He accepted it and volenteerly left the job before they could fire him for his hair. He was lucky enough to get another job a month later, However not everyone is that lucky.
Give your friend a big hug from me for standing up for himself.
From my superior I recieved the following message:
He told me not in his literal words but he told me:
that I have a hole in my mind, It hurts me, I try to fill it, I fill it unsucessfully by feeding of the life force of others through the infliction of pain symbolically. This hole will linger with me, I really realize I have it not. I am not complete within myself, so therefore I must diminish you to build myself. I don't know who dug the hole because I don't want to see it.
------------------
There was more unsaid than was said.
Thanks again.
Well, my friend....they say "A Problem Shared, is a Problem Halved”
Thank You so much for Sharing.
As we often hear on this board, the longhair experience really has only a little to do with appearance, but much to do with our outlook and reaction to the world around us. You sure did well....I am sure I speak for many here in saying I am proud of you !!
It is not often that we recognize the Signposts in Life's Road that will take us on to great adventure, but you see this one clearly.
Certainly returning to academics is the right thing. I have been fortunate (I know now...) to have gone through several major career changes...each one added another degree and a deeper appreciation for another facet of this World.
Best of Luck and please, please keep in touch here for support.
Walter White Tail
Yes, and joy shared is joy doubled.
Thank you for your compliment. You have an appreciation of what matters it seems and it radiates out from your words.
I certainly am going to keep in touch, and thank you too for being here.
Bragi
Briagi,
I can imagine the internal turbulence you must feel, but if it is at all possible I suggest that you pull back your hair into an neat tie, go to work, and cut nothing, thus putting the burden of action on your supervisor.
If he tells you to go home, then appeal to the HR office above him. It is possible that up the heirachry they may have no taste for this sort of restriction.
Friends, are we willing to provide a legal fund for brigi? I will make a contribution.
James
The deed is done. The supervisor was in collusion with the highest of HR. The fight was not fought by me. It was passively done and I have paid the price. No need for a fund, there is no case law to my knowledge to support such a position.
Thank you James.
As I was reading this I have to wonder is your bank about
to be swallowed up by another bank?
Maybe your boss got wind through the grapevine that while
your hair was acceptable in recent weeks, that the new
entity has let it be known to TPTB that long hair won't be
tolerated by the new regime when the bank is swallowed up?
Maybe now is a good time to dust off the old resume.
There are always rumors of things like that, but in this case, just rumors.
The resume by Monday will be dust free and ready to go.
Thanks!
Bragi I applaud you for your professionalism on this matter, but more importantly I am so very pleased that you have had the climax o your personal epiphany through this experience.
I think that your intentions to be involved in what you love, are born in love and will only result in love. Your hair will naturally evolve and grow as this process takes place.
I wish you all the success in the world!
(The biggest compliment I can give you? I am saving your post to my computer.
Stick around old buddy, you're not a senex (senecis?) yet!
You're always welcome here, hair to the ground, or to your scalp).
No not a senex yet, but longing to be a vir capillatus again!
Thank you Dean, and I have saved some of your messages too!
You are the only person who can walk in your own shoes, face the things you have to face, and make decisions accordingly. I was so completely blown out of the water reading this, Matt, that I actually felt an anxiety attack coming on (vicariously, of course)! Whatever I would THINK i'd do under the same or similar circumstances, doesn't really matter... it's when we are face-to-face with a monster of a decision like that we then find ourselves at a crossroads, and then are forced to make a rash & unfair choice accordingly. My guess is that I'd bet this experience will completely change your life & your future (regardless of hair length!). Your intelligence, fine abilities, and amazing eloquence will serve you fantastically wherever you go in life, --- too bad the banking industry just lost one of its finest!
With Utmost Respect,
Ken
Please correct my schoolboy Latin as necessary!
An initially distressing and yet ultimately heartening post. The link between hair growth and personal/spiritual growth is one I understand fully.
All the best,
Laurence
You're practically spot on with it.
Change ne to non, cede to cedis, and you are there. Or even leave out the tu altogether
Thanks, Big L!!!
Understanding is growth.
Hi Bragi,
I'd think, as a wish, it could be "ne cedas malis", or "noli cedere malis". Do I remember that correctly? Could one even say "malis ne cedas sed resistas"?
By the way, back in 5th grade, when we started learning Latin (my first foreign language), our German and Latin teacher always introduced "new" grammatical phenomena (eg noun cases, verb tenses) first in his German and then in his Latin classes. I liked that approach a lot and found Latin fascinating. Later, my understanding of Latin has helped me to learn other languages. Today, I've forgotten a lot (but not all) of my Latin.
Tibi pacem, felicitatem, et crescentiam in omni modo opto.
Hans-Uwe
There is one who will know better than me, but it depends, you could use subjunctive (Jussive), as in (may you not yield to evil), I am somewhat rusty.
The only 'Latin' I know that fits is completely bogus
nil illigitimus carborundum - don't let the bastards grind you down!
Bragi, that was such a great post and by writing down your feelings you are able to get it all off your chest.
I am not going to add much as everyone else has already said all that can really be said.
Life is unfair and does suck sometimes. This looks like a cross road of bigger and better things to come. You are a great guy Bragi and i admire your presence on the board. Your contributions to the board and level of intellect makes you one of my favourites on the board. You also make a great mod.
Don't worry, hair is hair, it will grow back in time. Then you can have hair of infinite lengths without a stupid corporate boss :)
I definately ain't gonna work in the banking sector because i plan on keeping my long hair forever, it is embedded in my soul. I just hope i won't have any future problems with my hair as i will be working in a similar field of business/economics.
I wish you best of luck and hapiness with your new career change. Do stick around here however, hair or not, you are a great guy and a wise man. Your post raised many points which were very insightful and deep. It is sad that most ignorameses(eg George Bush, lol) would write it off without absorbing the points you raised. As you said "hair is everything and hair is nothing", so true. Take care bragi!
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I've seen long haired guys working in banks.
I think the real problem is avoiding jobs (and even whole industries) where you are seen as just another cog in the wheel. One of the few pieces of genuinely useful advice I've come across re the world of work is 'make yourself indispensable'. If you don't want to be a conformist, and I'd rather die than do that personally speaking, you have a duty to yourself to make yourself indispensable. The only reliable way to do that is to acquire real skills. Not the 'transferable' kind that is lauded by the HR people these days, but the other kind, the kind where other people just aren't qualified to do what you do. If all your skills are 'transferable' they will easily find someone else who has them! Even those who aren't very 'academic' can do it, which brings us to the other 'old saw', which is to 'learn a trade'.
I have just proved myself to be an old fart by handing out this sort of advice(!), but it's worth taking. Trust me.
Bragi,
This is just awefull. I am very outraged at what just happened to you. I just don't get it sometimes. You sound like a very bright and kind person, and it is not fair at all to have this happen to you. I think you are making the right choice by picking up and getting out of the crap hole. I know I sure would. IMHO, I pick environment over pay any day. Majority of our lives are spent at work these days, and I am not going to work for some organization that treats me like I am in prison. I wish something could be done about this. There needs to be laws against this kind of discrimination. This is a real shame that your hair had to be chopped off.
Best wishes for you Bragi, I will keep my fingers crossed for you, good luck on your new journey.
ESDI
So very disappointing to hear this. Very scary to read as well. Actually something i'd have in my nightmares about what could happen to me at work. After reading your post today, I was hypersensitive about my longish (13 month) hair all day at work today. My boss even made a joke with me about it and I got really scared. I'm in my mid 30's and work in a real conservative office setting. I'm the only one with long hair. I wear my hair tied back and wear suits everyday. The hair is part of me. I hope I am never forced into this.
You handled yourself real well in that situation. I really appreciate you sharing this story. Helps give us all some perspective on our own situations.
Hang in there. Just by getting a haircut, doesn't take the longhair (adj) out of the Longhair (n).
I have never seen my thoughts so well-organized and laid out before me to read on this subject, as you have done here. I'm sure the fundamental truths you uncovered and documented here echo within all of us who have experienced the illogical opposition society burdens us with due to something they simply cannot or choose not to understand.
If a man has never let his hair grow naturally, he will always be lacking the firsthand experience which will give him insight and the crucial empathetic link necessary to dispel the foolish notion society has that a man "should" have a short hairstyle. It is no wonder why more women understand a man's wish to grow long hair, but we do not have a majority of support there either. Too many women, regardless of how they keep their own hair, state a preference for men to keep their hair short. Their reasons are many, but I cannot deny the one which I find most disturbing:
Short, neatly styled hair on a man is a sign that he is "domesticated", or more bluntly, "trained". Anytime I think of my hair being cut short by, or for, anyone, for any reason... I think of myself as an animal whose will and spirit has been broken and tailored to the desires of another. Be it for a woman's sake, or some form of soceital authority, short hair for me is like wearing a leash I cannot remove, keeping me bound and tethered from being free to choose my own path.
I believe that is exactly the kind of restriction the banking industry wants to have on all of its employees. It wants to know all of its subordinates are tamed purebreds, and for them to appear harmless and well-controlled to their guests.
Your piece on trust was very well said. There is an outdated prejudice attached to long hair on men that is no different than racial or religious discrimination, which although unlawful in today's society, still linger today. It is my hope that one day enlightenment will reach the eyes of the majority, and it will become UNLAWFUL to discriminate against men on the basis of hair length. It should be listed right alongside gender and religion in employment policy law, and if mankind is to ever evolve into what it should be... it is only a matter of time.
Until then, we will go down in history as those who braved opposition and suffered discrimination, even persecution, by knowing in our souls what is right for us and never allowing injustice to prevail. For each of us who stand up for our right to express our true selves, we make it possible for future generations to follow our example and not be afraid to do the same.
It is NOT just a preference of style, it is a way of life... and we should ALL be free to live it.
