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I know this is off topic for the hair boards but I have nowhere else to turn. This board seems like it has the most honest, and genuinly nice members out there and I really need some advice. I can't stand my life, im 17 and graduating highschool soon and im getting very depressed. Im always down on myself and have no self confidence because im overweight, awkward, pimplefaced, hairy, and short. It gets me down so much when I see the gorgeous girls at school with the muscular, tan, perfect guys I wish i could be. Ive never had a girlfriend and get teased alot because of my weight, pimples and back hair. I will always be remembered as the fat loser in highschool by everyone and it depresses me so much. I just dont understand why I was so unlucky and was'nt blessed such as the guys with perfect bodies that get beautiful girls so easily. I'm also constantly made fun of because I dont drink alcohol and smoke, at my school everyone is judged by how much they can drink and I dont like it so I dont drink. But this is just another reason why people look at me like a joke. I should be happy highschool is ending and im graduating in 2 days but im so sad that I never experienced what so many other teens did such as love,sex,good friends, etc. I guess this is just a self pity party but its really started to get to me, I just dont know what to do to feel better...
Hey Brother,
First thing to do is get off your but and go to the gym and start working out. You'll feel much better about yourself. If you don't want to go to the gym get a serious exercise plan going. It's probably the best way to get out of depression.
Next thing..take some vitamins..and get motivated to make some changes in your life. Everything you don't like get a plan to change it. List the things and DO THEM! Y'know what I mean?
I was depressed at 19 for a while and its a rut that is tough to get out of. Working out has to be the first step in my opinion.
Anyways..all the cool kids from highschool...most of them are the burnouts when they get to their mid 20s. You'll be surpirsed how everything changes. You'll be glad your not like them when you reach your 20s. I was in your shoes a few years ago (I'm 23 now). And everything turns out fine if you just get off your butt and try to work on yourself a bit.
Good luck
Buddy
I don't entirely agree with that last post. Of course it's good to get fit, but there's more to it than that.
For one thing, I can guarantee you that 90% of the guys who don't get girlfriends in high school are married with kids by middle age. I can also guarantee that most of the popular guys are not getting anything more than hugs and kisses from those girls, although they would like you to beleive different. Take this from an old fart who knows.
Once you get out of school and into real life you won't have to put up with other people trying to define who you are.
The pimples will go away by themselves in most cases.
And back to the weight. Being overweight has all kinds of bad side effects on your health, but it's mostly genetic in origin. There is entirely too much of a tendency to treat people badly if they weigh more than the norm, and like most things it's worse in high school. By all means try to control your weight, but it's not the answer in itself.
One good thing about life after school is that you can date girls who weigh as much as you do without anyone laughing at you.
Hey man, i can honestly say im going through the same thing at the moment, its not right the way people judge each other like that you know? we're always watching people having a great time and enjoying life, then we look at ourselves and its just so unfair....It sounds like the school you go to is full of a-- holes, if i were in your shoes id go to another school but i know thats hard to arrange. Though you said your graduating soon, ive heard my brother and sister talk about college and life after highschool and it sounds like it can only get better so thats somthing to look forwad to. Im glad you are looking for help though, that takes guts and i admire that. You may want to take up counseling...its really nice to have someone to talk to, gets alot of stress out. What i did, and it really wasnt the best choice my parents say, i just completely elimated all of my lust for things i knew i would most likely never have. Kinda of a buddhist thing imo. I think if someone was teasing you cuz of your weight/hair/acne, or w/e things teenagers like to put people down for, just think to your self, "okay fu-- them, i dont need them, they just like to make people like me miserable" cuz their are people who dont tease other for such trivial things. Me personally, i dont care how nerdy, or how they look, if they have a good personallity, and admire things such as friendship, trust, honesty, then i would much rather have them as a friend than some "im to sexy for my shirt" pimp cuz they often take advantage of others. And about the girls...i know it blows hard, but just me personally ive found that the hot girls dont understand true love, and often take advantage over a relationship whether they realize it or not. Don't shoot to high man, their are some girls who are not as pretty as we would like, but they understand, they care, and they will much more likely try to make life more enjoyable for the both of you. And despite all this i know, life is still depressing...imo thats just the way it is, life wasnt made to be happy, some people can learn to accept that, others cant, just dont let people get to you, find things you can do to take your mind off things whether its relaxing music, a good book, fencing, martial arts what ever. I take fencing and man i feel so much better once im on the strips and focusing, your mind is completely focused on your opponent, and its kind of peaceful compared to the wear and tear of depression. I think you could take up fencing, its not somthing that take alot of athletic strength/speed w/e, and weight wont get in the way cuz once you get some skill at it, you wont need to be moving around to much. It also teaches chivalry and respect for others. If your into video games you should check out some online roleplaying games, i know how nerdy that sounds, but who cares honestly, its like another life for some people, and you can make some friends there that dont act like jerks *cant promise that one though heh, some people online are a bit wacko* whatever you do man, just find way to get some stress out without taking it out on others, cuz that stuff messes you up bad if you let it go on.
oh yea also if you arent already, grow some long hair its really great, its very peacful to just sit down and listen to some music while grooming you know? maybe thats just me though hehe, its somthing you could try though, again im glad your seeking help, most people cant do that, i know i couldnt, which is why i admire that about you. w/e happens goodluck
Bryan
Hey there!
Ok... first of all, I understand completely what you´re saying.
You know, I used to have the same kind of problems...
I was the lonely, skinny guy of the class...
I had, and have acne too, and I know how that can lower your self esteem sometimes
But all you have to do to change that is come to the realization that it´s not something impossible to change!
At some point, I decided enough was enough... So I started going to the gym, lifting weights, doing kickboxing, consulted dermathologists for the acne problems, growing my hair long...
Sure it was hard at first, it´s always tough to come out of the closet. But believe me, after a short period of time, it makes you stronger, and feeds your will to fight and tear down the wall which represent all your problems.
Not only you´ll feel better about yourself, but also, the confidence you´ll gain will show itself on the outside... those around you will learn to respect you, and the fools who mocked you will eventually leave you alone (that was my case, and I asure you it was VERY satisfying... and a wise move for them to make, by the way)
If you don´t feel happy about who you are... then go ahead, and change that! It´s not an impossible thing to do, believe me...
Ok, I hope what I said was helpful to you...
I wish you the best of lucks, I know you´ll solve your problems soon!
See you around!
Hey man,
Hang in there. Things will get better. I had a very rough time in my youth and I know what your are going through. I was very nerdy, into my own things, never followed the crowd. For a long time, seemed like no one liked me. People would even hate me for no reason. I alwaysed thought it was me, I felt like I was a freak of nature, and that I would never be able to make it in this world. Let me tell you that school was a living hell for me. I was always put down, stabed in the back, hated, etc...
Once I started taking classes at a local comunity college things got much better. I am working at a great job now and well respected at what I do. Those jerks that put you down are having there "golden years" right now. Yours are about to start and will last for the rest of your life.
Hang in there buddy, things will get better.
ESDI
For starters, God makes everyone unique and wonderful. You are NOT an accident. You're alive for a reason and were made by a loving and caring God who only wants the best for you, and even sent his own Son, Jesus Christ to die for you. When life seems meaningless and things go wrong, remember that there's hope. That there's light in the darkest places. Whenever I get depressed over something, or what somebody has done to me, I have to remember that God loves me, and that the wrong-doer is only human. Try to find some people who are geniunely interested in you for who you are, and not what you do. Also, maybe read through the Bible some, and see how God has a plan for you, even when things are hard. The road of life is a hard one for those who have not found love, especially the love God has to offer each and every one of us. I hope this helps, and that things start to look up for you. If it helps, know that I'll be praying for you.
Get thee to a psychologist. As a psycologist, I am doubtful about your orginal presentation, but I will be the first one to celebrate being wrong.
Remember the story of the tortise and the hare.?
So if you want to be happy, go as slowly as the tortise but steadily. First, as others have advised, watch your weight. If you cannot do that alone then see a physican who may be of some help. GThere are some helpful if not ideal medications.
Most important, a psychologist can help you take control of your life rather than being a victim.
James
Two words: Jerry O'Connell
And now he's dating Rebecca Romjin.
As for me, my idea of a good time in High School was hanging out in the school library with my fellow nerds, every morning before classes started, and discussing various Dungeons & Dragons campaigns. I was skiny as a rail, wore a crew cut, carried a briefcase everywhere (I'm not kidding), and the only girlfriend I had in four years lasted about two months and wanted to sleep with me on Prom night. I refused, explained to her that I was saving my virginity for marriage. Starting that Monday morning, she refused to acknowledge my existence. Se la ve.
As for alchohol, I never touched the stuff until I was 21. I bought a bottle of Purple Passion as an experiment to celebrate my birthday, and then moved on to Jack Daniels. That lasted about a week. Alchohol in general smells so bad that I can't even get near it. I've never understood the attraction.
My beverages of choice: Sweetened Lipton tea and Coke.
As for smoking, I didn't even start until after High School, and was up to pack a day for two years before finally quitting 4 years ago. Filthy habit.
Trust me, High School will be a distant memory by the time you're 20. Once you graduate, the world is your oyster. I once had an English teacher tell our 11th grade class that High School is nothing more than a government-funded babysitter for your parents. Abso-friggin-lutely.
My advice is to forget about everyone in High School (you're never gonna seem 'em again anyway), take charge of your life, set some goals, and challenge yourself.
My wife, who was fat and awkward in High School, and is still fat and awkward today, always felt like an outcast, was generally lonely, and never once thought she would find someone who wanted to be with her, and has now been very happily married to me for the last 11 years.
So, even if you don't grow out of your High School looks, it's not impossible to think that you'll find someone to love and wants to be with you for the person you are rather than your appearance.
As for why I married her, it's really quite simple - she's the only woman I've ever known whom I could have an intelligent conversation with and get something back. In fact, we met through a Star Trek fan club we both belonged to. I was 16, and she 21. We became good friends because of our mutual interest in Sci-Fi/Fantasy, and helped each console each other after failed relationships. The very thought of dating never even entered our minds until one fateful night we found ourselves lip-locked. I was 20 by then. It was the most genuine, heart-felt kiss either of us had ever experienced, but it scared the crap out of us, too. We had no idea what impact it would have on our friendship. Since we couldn't deny the emotional impact, we decided to try dating. Since we already had 6 years of friendship as a foundation, there wasn't a whole lot left to get to know about each other. 6 weeks later, we were engaged. A year after that, we married on October 29, 1994.
Bottom line - it can't rain all the time.
These days I'm a sappy curmudgeon who is a sucker for true love stories like that. That is such a sweet tale, Nyghtfall. Hearty congratulations on your happiness and thank you so much for sharing it.
Longhairdesire, life is full of unexpected, unasked for, and even unearned treats sometimes. I'm eager to hear the good stuff that happens to you by surprise.
Elizabeth
I definitely agree with this. The only people from high school who I talk to and see are my close friends (about 4 total). Everyone else I either haven't seen for 3 years and forgot about, or see every once and a while and ignore. High school is meaningless, prom is meaningless, binge drinking for social status is meaningless, they're demeaning words are meaningless, and unfortunately most of their lives either are or will be meaningless... you see a pattern here?
-Ardroth
One....High School sucks. Those who remember it as the best days of their lives do so because it literally IS the best day of their lives. Be thankful that you're 17 and haven't reached your peak. And, as for love....teenagers don't feel love. They're stupid, and think they do. And high school sex barely qualifies as sex.
As for being blessed with those bodies....everybody, for the most part, has to work on their physique. If you're not happy with your, hit a treadmill a couple times a weak. Change your diet. Just get motivated.
It's actually not that hard. I was a shiftless layabout from about 16-19. I did absolutely nothing. In the span of 3 or 4 months, I dropped 25% of my body weight, and really impressed a health instructor when she measured my body fat at 7%. Less than a year earlier, I was disgusting. And all I did was cut out soda altogether, and realize how unhealthy potato ships, and doughnuts, and fried chicken really was, and that killed my appetite for them altogether and hit the treadmill and batting cages on a regular basis.
All I'm saying is....use your depression as motivation. And just focus on working toward making yourself happy.
Pimples usually clear up on their own as you get older. Losing weight can take effort, but it's not out of reach for most people.
Not that being a politico is really that important, but one of our presidentsw (Taft) weighed 300 lbs, and another one (Madison) was 5'1".
Lots of women *love* hairy guys. At 17 you've barely had time to find your grove.
Beauty. Skin-deep. 'nuff said. A lot of the jocks and face men in highschool "burn out" early, falling to mediocrity or worse. None of that stuff is any guarantee of success or happiness.
I'm 38 now, and though I wasn't overweight, I was certainly called a lot of things and picked on in HS. Guess what? It's 4 years that don't really matter that much. The reunion came and went. I didn't attend. I don't care. The best revenge is living well. I have my own place now and I'm doing alright. I hardly ever give HS a thought.
When I was freshmen in HS, there was this "cool" guy who could run really fast. He got involved with the party crowd. The last year of mandatory phys ed, I beat him in the 600, and I was nothing special as an athelete. If you can ignore the whole peer pressure thing in your teens, you come out way ahead. I wish I could have done it totally, but it sort of got to me in college and I had to drop out. How cool is that? Of course you can't tell that to them--they already know they're losers, and misery loves company. But, are you really so lonely that you need the company of misery?
Dude, at 17 you can change so much of what is good to change, and you can build a foundation of holding firm to what doesn't need to change. If you plan on attending college, it will open up a whole new world. If you don't, I don't know what to tell you, but I'm sure others on this board can help.
I agree with the previous poster.
Your not happy. Things must change. It takes alot of hard work, but you can change everything.
Working out will give you confidence, get you healthy. I recommend you buy the Rocky DVD anthology for starters...that should motivate you like crazy :)
Also, on the social side, if you lack confidence, read some self help books on confidence/Self esteem.
Also, for more efficient dating game mentality search fast seduction, DYD, neil strauss the game, tyler durden seminars and you'll get lots of help in that department.
But to be honest, forget about girls. Everything will fall into place if your happy with who you are. You main issue seems to be your weight/appearance. Do some intensive research on weights training, cardio exercises and good healthy diets.
You will get to where you want to be if you want it badly enough :)
GOODLUCK.
A.
I know exactly what it is that you are going through. High school is political BS and its also a popularity contest. Consider the source...a bunch of naive and hormone raging teenagers who lack so much life experience because theyre still dependent on mommy and daddy. They havent been out in the real world yet, or at least a model of it (ie college with professors who wont put up with your excuses for handing in work late, etc). I am in college right now (about to start senior year) and if you are going to attend some kind of university, you are heading for greener pastures. People do change and I felt that vibe with the student body from day 1. Granted, there will be shallow pricks among both the guys (frat greeks, *ahem* acutally frat GEEKS, who act like they own the campus and very attractive women whom sadly enough, are aware of their sexual value and populartity and can date/sleep with any guy they want to.) But needless to say, the students are thrown into the fire of a semi-realistic paradigm of reality and life, and they will screw up along the way, learn lessons and grow up. Just realize that when you are in college, you will have a much larger pool of acceptance, via your academic major, clubs and profession where you can make friends and learn about what true friendships with trust, respect and understanding really are. Authenticity is another thing a lot of people find in these valuable 4 years. You will know whats best for you and ultimately who you will become, and realize that this is ME, not anyone else. Changes in your life will happen too because you will look deep within and the find the answers to the questions. Bear in mind it wont happen overnight, but look within yourself and find what really makes you YOU. Peace.
Hey... Im 20 myself... graduated high school not too long ago.. I was the same way.. I kept to myself alot.. anyway to make a long story short... when I got out of high school I started becoming who I really was and not too long after that I met a woman that changed my life and introduced me to some of that stuff alot of the minors you mention have done.. In my opinion its better to wait til youre an adult and matured anyway.. in high school NOTHING matters... the only thing that mattered was the diploma.. the friends I once had I never talk to anymore.. Dont sweat it.. life gets better when youre free from there.
Seek professional help.
Believe it or not, I know exactly how you feel.
I was the skinny nerd in high school. So not exactly your perdicament, but close enough.
Depression and self-denigration was abound.
What I did was start working out and picked new hobbies.
I was a very big gamer. So I had to stop. Not entirely, but I cut back a lot.
I started lifting weights, started doing Brazilian Jiu Jitsu (read at the bottom, this is important), and picked up the electric bass guitar.
Suddenly, those jerks who always hung out with the hot chicks? Some of them are my friends and they are not as bad as I thought. Of course some ARE total jerks, but I don't hang out with those people.
Also, getting a job where you don't work alone helps a lot, too. You can make new friends.
Your high school sounds like a dump. I hated my high school and college has been a blast so far.
If you don't drink or smoke, then stick to it. I don't either and nobody is going to change my mind. I just don't like it. I don't see the point in it.
Basically, what my post boils down to is:
Don't like your life? Change it. It's the only way. Start working out and find some new hobbies. I found that I was mainly depressed when I hadn't worked out in a few days (working out releases dopamine, just like marijuana) and was sitting alone in my room. I never had those down times when I was with friends, because my mind was pre-occupied.
Most importantly: you CAN change your life. It will require some hard work, but it will be worth it. Trust me.
On Brazilian Jiu Jitsu: if you're going to do a martial art, don't do one where you stand in lines screaming or pretend to be ninjas. Hard contact is what makes a good martial art. Just a rant I had to go on. ;)
Err, wait, my last post was a misleading. My life has changed a LOT, but it is still not "perfect" after two years. I still get ocassional "down times" which are still a pain. After reading Justin's post about professional help, that might be a good idea.
It won't be a cure, but it will help you a lot. To be honest, I am considering it, but am afraid to go through with it. Don't know what my parents will say, don't even like alcohol, so I stay away from even stronger drugs.
But if you try your damndest and the depression isn't going away, you might have to go see a doc. It's worth a shot.
It's not that all of what I did hasn't helped me, it's that after all of it, I'm still get periods of pretty severe depression.
But still, don't think it's hopeless. You have a lot you can still do.
There's already a lot of good advice from fellow longhairs, so I won't say too much more. I just want to add that your life is whatever you want it to be. It's not for those other people, who think they're God's gift to this earth, to determine your happiness. It's your life, so make the most of it. There's so much out there for you to experience, and once you get past this horrible high school experience (and remember, you're not alone when it comes to having horrible high school experiences), the world truly is your oyster, as someone said earlier.
I think there are a lot of people here in this wonderful longhair community who support you and are behind you 100%.
Best wishes,
dino
What you're doing is focusing too much on external things - you're placing appearance of inner values. Not your fault - society conditions us to think like that but try to distance yourself a little bit from this mentality. Find some detachment and worry less about what other might think.
I know highschool's hard like that but you're no better or worse a person because of the high/low opinions of others. You are you. End of story. Accept yourself.
And don't worry about the girls - that will happen. You just need to be patient and not worry too much about it. You know, let it happen rather than make it happen :)
I think you're making the right choices in NOT smoking and drinking yourself into oblivion. This might well determine who the real losers are in a few years time :-)
Life does get much better after highschool, trust me. I didn't experience these you mention things either and I felt a little like you do now. But if you try to regain your self-worth by not letting others' opinions rule your life, things can only get better.
Good luck man!
Oh honey, I am glad you spoke up. While a lot in your message sounds like what many of your classmates are feeling right now too, only you know how hard you are being hit right now and obviously feel something is really not right. You are already doing the best thing for yourself by letting people know you need help. Unless they are part of the problem, do get your parents involved, they need to know how miserable you are right now.
It doesn't hurt to talk to others to get some perspective on what you are experiencing. One thing that helps is getting out of your own skin and looking around at your peers. Do the drinkers really seem all that happy or do they just want you to join them because you are stronger than they are and they wish they never started? If that is what it takes to fit in then that really doesn't sound like a crowd worth making friends with. I think you already agree with the logic there but yes, it can hurt to be left out. Given the choice though, drinking for the wrong reasons would hurt a lot more.
You are comparing yourself to an ideal of what you think the other students are experiencing. That is not a fair comparison, use your life to their actual lives. Odds are more than one of those perfect bodies at school is living through the hell of an eating disorder to get that look. You wouldn't want to trade lives with them. I also think you won't envy those whose sloppy, drunken sex not only gained them a pregnancy but a sexually transmitted disease for life.
Perhaps one of the popular boys is dating lots of those beautiful girls and sleeping around all to convince himself (and the peers he fears would mock him) he isn't gay. That's no life either. Others are facing family violence and hiding bruises, living with a terminally ill parent, working nights to keep their family afloat, fearing being deported to a war-torn country or endless other huge concerns you hopefully don't have. I don't use these examples to say "your life could be worse" but to show that your classmates aren't leading the charmed lives you probably assume. Bring pretty doesn't get you off the hook in life, they have their troubles too.
Oh, and stop being down on yourself. If you can't manage to think well of yourself others will have even more difficulty doing the same. If you don't notice those flaws in others chances are they aren't paying attention to them in you. Catch yourself everytime you call yourself stupid for doing something merely careless. Treat yourself as fairly as you treat others.
Here's another thought, high school is a very small part of your life. You have no idea what the rest will be like. Even though it was no bed of roses for you it at least was familiar. The anxiety about what will come next in life can certainly lead to depression. What you are feeling is completely understandable. I've linked the site http://depressionscreening.org/ as a resource for finding help available in your area if you are in the US should you be interested. If for nothing else it has a short quiz to help you get a better picture of how you are feeling now.
As long as you are posting, why not tell us about your hair right now? What color is it and when did you start growing, Longhairdesire?
Elizabeth
http://depressionscreening.org/
A bit of warning, this is somewhat long, but I had to share it!
Don't feel depressed! Did you graduate with a good grades? Did you get your diploma? That is all that counts as far as Highschool is concerned. Are you going to college? I personally hope so.
I am now currently 36, and highschool is just a distant memory for me. I had my fair share of being picked on and such, especially since even in those days, I was into the computers and such. People did pick on me just for that (which today, seems rediculous, but I guess that is what the so-called "popular" kids did - they picked on anyone that was "different" from them - i.e., did not do the things "they" did).
However, I did have a couple advantages to me when I was in college. I was a fairly big guy, and pretty muscular at the time (amazing what spending summers cutting and stacking over 10 cords of firewood would do, as well as hiking/exploring the surrounding wilderness up there in northern PA - not unheard of me going a good 30 miles round-trip on any given day, not to mention the skiing I did during the winter, both alpine and nordic). I had one dude that used to get on my case all the time, at the bus-stop, on the bus, in school, during, lunch, while waiting for the bus to go back home, etc. And it continued during the summer - at the pool, at the arcade, and so on. Funny how those bullies shut-up after I finally laid that dude out at the bus-stop one afternoon after school. Even got the local police to watch us afterwords to make sure no more trouble. Now, I don't condone violence, but it seemed it was the last resort I had, as telling parents, teachers, bus drivers, lifeguards, arcade managers, etc did nothing to solve the issue. Towards the end of my senior year, many of the others started to respect me no so much for my athletism, but for my smarts and knowledge. I very clearly remember the huge ovation I got from the student body when my named was called and I walked up to recieve my diploma during graduation ceremonies. I was awe-strucked! I guess I was more popular than I originally thought. THAT is what I remember the most about Highshool! Not all the bad things, but all the good things - like when me and couple of my close friends went and played golf after school. Those close friends, I still keep in contact whenever possible.
Anyway, after that, and spending a short stint in the US Army, as well as obtaining my BS degree in computer science (graduated Cum Laude no less), all that crap in highschool is completely meaningless. College was a much better experience than Highschool was. As was already alluded to, highschool was pretty much a popularity contest. I ignored all that and just simply focused on what I went to school for in the first place, to get an education. In the case of HS, I took full advantage of what was essentially a free education. I took all the advanced classes, I joined the science club and so forth. I did not care much for the typical sports such as football, basketball and so forth, although I did spend my senior year running track. But in the end, the important part was to get the education, which is something that is still used later in life. It don't mean jack how well you did on the team back in highschool, if you cannot figure out how to solve daily basic problems in life some 20 years later, which is something a good HS education should've taught you.
In college, your academic skills and "real life" problem solving was much more important. In college, it was a complete opposite for me than it was in highschool. I was very much respected on campus, as I had a very solid grasp on the fundementals of computer science. I was often the "go-to" guy when people needed help with thier course work. And I did try to be socialble on campus as well, although I think I spent just as much time again exploring the wilderness around campus (also in north-western PA), as I did doing typical "college" like activities (and yes, that included spending Sunday afternoons playing D&D in the basement of the dorms).
With a good solid education from high-school and a well-earned Bachaler's degree from college, I was ready to take on the "real-world". And now, some 14 years after I graduated college, I am making a decent coin as a software engineer for a large defense contractor here in Virginia. I've been at this position for a little over 13 years. I am also a respected member of the ski patrol at ski mountain just west of here. I've also have an honorable discharge after serving six years in the U.S. Army. And on top of that, I even managed to buy my own house, a nice little place, but plenty big enough for me - at least it is mine. And all this despite not having played any sports in highschool, and not drinking or smoking, or doing any of the other things the "popular" kids did. The only thing is that I am still single. A good part of it is my fault as I just enjoy being independent and doing whatever I want to do with out having to "consult with the spouse". Maybe, one of these days, Mrs. "Right" will show up, but for now, I am enjoying myself as a "quirky loner".
To cut to the chase here - the whole point of the above is that I managed to accomplish alot in life and still feel happy, despite having been picked on/bullied in highschool. Do not let what happened in highschool get you down. It is behind you know, and the grand scheme of life, the only thing that really matters is that you got that education and the diploma to show for it (hell, I don't even know where my HS diploma is right now - I am pretty sure it is in a box in the spare bedroom closet, I'll have to go look), but I do have my college diploma proudly on display. I do have to applaud you for not caving in to the peer pressure and to refrain from smoking and drinking. Also, I did not participate in any gratitous sex in highschool either. I know plenty of poople today that wish they had not got caught up in the drinking/smoking/sex/drugs as well.
In the end, I did get the last laugh. I did go to my 10 year HS reunion in 1998. All those kids that used to give me a hardtime in HS saw how well I am actually doing (and I already had bought my own house by then - bought the place in '96). I told them that I am a software engineer and by that time, that was a very well respected position. All those guys that used to pick on me about being into computers and such - nearly all of them told me how they now wish they got into computers. I knew, even as a teenager in highschool, where the future was going, and it was going to involve computers.
So, I'll leave you with this, as Styx so nicely put it in thier song "Fooling Yourself" off thier 1977 Grand Illusion album (now, there was some great music - don't even get me started on the crap that is played today...):
You see the world through your cynical eyes
You're a troubled young man I can tell
You've got it all in the palm of your hand
But your hand's wet with sweat and your head needs a rest
And you're fooling yourself if you don't believe it
You're kidding yourself if you don't believe it
How can you be such an angry young man
When your future looks quite bright to me
How can there be such a sinister plan
That could hide such a lamb, such a caring young man
You're fooling yourself if you don't believe it
You're kidding yourself if you don't believe it
Get up, get back on your feet
You're the one they can't beat and you know it
Come on, let's see what you've got
Just take your best shot and don't blow it
You're fooling yourself if you don't believe it
You're killing yourself if you don't believe it
Get up, get back on your feet
You're the one they can't beat and you know it
Come on, let's see what you've got
Just take your best shot and don't blow it.
I absolutely HATED high school with a passion. It wasn't until about my senior year that I had even "any" friends to really speak of, --- and the 4 of us that became friends I feel were all at the "bottom of the heap" of popularity anyway (so we found each other out odf "survival", maybe?). If I wasn't the *very* last teammate chosen for basketball, football, or baseball... then I was in the honored spot of 2nd to last (lol!)!! One guy in early high school, besides calling me "Girly" (my last name is "Gourley", --- correctly pronounced like: "gore-ley"), would mercilessly torture me about my teenage acne, saying, "How's Z-Z-ZIT going, Girly?!!"
Right now I'm approximately 3 times your age, --- so I've "lived a lot of life", and can speak with total confidence that High School life, as far as it's social cruelty & misery goes, is TOTALLY insignificant now. I have tons of friends who love me as I am (I'm overweight also, as well as don't drink or smoke, --- and never have, really). I've found many interests in life that I didn't know about at all when I was in High School, --- some of which are down-right "passions" of mine! And I'm too busy connecting with other people who have these same interests, to ever bother with people who are going to treat me unkindly or not accept me as I am.
Listen to your heart, and follow where it will naturally lead you. Leaving high school will actually give you a "clean slate", so to speak, --- a fresh start in life, with new opportunities to meet more socially mature people than high school can ever offer. You'll be surprised, for instance, if you go to college (hopefully far, far away from your high school home town!), how many, MANY other people your age feel the same way as you do right now, --- and how comforting & reassuring it is to learn how many other people hated their high school experience, too (most of my friends, for instance, all feel the same way!!)...
Don't be fooled by people's exteriors. The so-called "beautiful people" often mask their pain very, very well from others, --- especially those that cut down others to give their own ego a boost.
And, if you need to, don't be afraid to seek professional help with depression and/or your issues with being over-weight (they often go hand-in-hand).
Hope these comments have helped!
- Ken in San Francisco
I forgot to mention one thing...
One of the biggest things I credit with helping me get out of my high school shy & awkward, low self-esteem mentality was that of starting to take dance classes when I was young. I like music, and dancing looked like fun. And you know what? It IS fun!! And best of all, you can *learn* how to do different dances, by signing up for classes. I now know how to do Swing (both East Coast style, & West Coast Swing), Salsa, Country & Western, Tango, 2-Step, Foxtrot & Waltz (to name just a few). And... you meet TONS of girls!!!!!!!
I happen to be a gay guy, so for me, meeting girls turned out to be just a matter of making good, solid new friendships; but I promise you, there are so, SO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O many women who just want to meet a nice guy who will treat them well, and take them for a spin out on a dance floor!!! If you take dance lessons, I can guarantee you that you will be the envy of every so-called good-looking "popular" guy around. I say this because I have been told many times by many people (both male & female, gay or straight), that they feel intimidated by me when they see how well I can dance (which always shocks the hell out of me, since on the inside, I still view myself as the quiet, shy, awkward kid from back in my HS days).
And if dancing holds no interest for you, then consider another hobby that brings envy to all who can't do it: take up learning a musical instrument!
Concentrating on dance and/or music, you will find you will have little or no free time to indulge in self-doubt or self-pity, --- BECAUSE YOU WILL BE FOCUSSING ON SOMETHING POSITIVE (and something that requires 100% of your devotion to stay focussed, in order to get better at it)!!!
Dancing and/or becoming involved with music surrounds your ears with beauty & grace... and before you know it, you will also start reflecting that very same beauty & grace that your ears hear, by: walking, talking, moving, and acting with greater beauty & grace (which will result unconsciously in achieving greater self-confidence). And if you have a good dance teacher, they also teach etiquette, --- how to say things not only like, "May I have this dance?", or, "Thanks for the dance!"; but also the greater & more subtle do's & don'ts of how to intereact with people to better win friends and avoid making enemies...
Think about these ideas, anyway... But whatever you do, get up off you butt!!!
- Ken
Well, you have certainly gotten some good advice already, so I will just add a few things.
At my freind's grandmother's house, there is this cross-stiched picture hanging on the wall with a picture of a clotheline hung with clothes, and under it, it says,
"If all our troubles were hung out on the line, you'd take yours, and I'd take mine."
Now, while that may just seem like a nice rhyme, well, it's much more. All of us live in our own little private hell sometimes, and think that everybody else knows more than we do or is better off than we are, or is better looking, etc. Now whether they really do know more, are smarter, better looking, better off, is certainly up for debate and is always a very subjective thing.
I cannot say that I went thru what you have in high school, it was different for me, and even if you are one of the popular ones or athletic ones or whatever, I assure you that somebody, somehow would still make fun of you about something, no matter what you do. That is what children and teenagers do it seems.
Now at 17, you have literally thousands, maybe more choices of how to go forward. There is no going back and doing over. Those regrets you have about not doing this or being this or that are an exercise in futility. You have the potential to create a future how you want it. In this moment that you are in, that is all you have. Decide in that moment what you want. In each following moment, do things to get you where you want to be. Your life is a dynamic thing, when you attain this or that, you have that or this, but then what?
You have it this thing, but then that does not last. The waves and the crests of those wave are nice, but the wave must hit the shore and dissipate eventually. There are highs and lows. It all can be fun, and you can learn from all the highs and lows, or you can go through the motions of life, and grow old, still regretting what you had not done. Do what you want to do because you want to do it. NOT because you think doing this thing or being that thing will make you 'cool' or liked, or anything else.
You have to look inside yourself and see what is there. This is a scary thing for lots of people because they either find there isn't much there, or that they don't like what they see. When you realize that you are what you are, and become at peace with that, then you have taken the first step towards being you externally. When you get comfortable in your own skin, when you accept you for you, you get closer and closer to feeeling all your inner feelings. This peace with yourself will manifest itself in many ways. When you realize that for whatever short-comings you may perceive yourself to have, that this is waht makes you what you are. It is not bad, it is not evil, it is not good, it is not pretty or ugly. It is what you are. You have within you the potential for many things. Not necessarily to be a hero, or a wealthy venture capitalist, but to be successful as defined by you and no one else.
Now as for drinking and smoking, in 40 or 50 years when the rest of these cats have cirhossis and emphyzema, who's cool then?
Take small steps, one each day. Take a short walk. Tomorrow, go a little further. Today drink one less sugary soda and have one more glass of water. Have an apple today instead of a bag of chips.
The greatest oak was once a tiny acorn, and the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.
I know high school seems like all there right now, but when you graduate you'll discover a big, remarkable world of sane, rational people who don't care what you look like. I was overweight, pimply-faced and awkward in high school and got picked on to the point where my last two years there were a living hell. Then I went to college where I discovered that -- WOW! -- most people left that stuff behind in high school, and the ones who didn't were often the ones getting made fun of. Funny how the tables turned.
Fast foward to my 10-year reunion and I weighed 70 pounds less, had a good job and was insanely happy. I walked into the auditorium where the reunion was being held, and the jocks who gave me hell were still clumped in their little groups at a table, where they sat all night with the most sour, miserable looks on their faces while everyone else had a good time. As much as I hated high school, that reunion was a high point of my life so far.
So, keep your chin up. The end is in sight, and after you graduate the person who controls your destiny and your ultimate happiness is you. To be miserable will only be to let them win. The next 10 years will go by quicker than you think, so set that reunion as a goal to go back and show those people who really has the upper hand.
Cheers,
Jeremy
I know exactly what you have been going through. The people here who said things are very different in college/university are right.
Also, bear in mind that you can change your appearance a lot. What you look like is, ultimately, something that is in people's heads, not just in their eyes. Someoene loveable, honest, caring and supportive will appear more attractive, including physically, than domeone who is the reverse and it looks from reading your post that you are that kind of person.
Finally, remember that what you look like is to some extent exogenous (iE, there are some things you can't really change like - height, eye colour, straight/curly hair, etc.) and other things that you can change, with effort and patience (and a bit of money). If you feel comfortable with the idea, go ahead and experiment with any of the following :
- diet (to lose/gain weight : having a lean/muscular body is something anyone can do, with effort, it does more to change your appearance and make you more attractive than anything else) ;
- removing superfluous body hair ( if you feel uncomfortable with hairs on you chest and back, remove them, loads of guys have been doing it for thousands of years, the only difference is that doday with waxcing/electrolysis/lasers you have a whole vchoice of different methods to do so)
- heavier choices such as cosmetic surgery (a lot of people scorn this as an option for a variety of reasons, generally unconsciously because of the idea that "God gave you a body and you musn't change what you were given", but these are BS, if a nose job will make you more attractive and you wan't to do it, then do it) ;
- choosing the right hair style (hair does A LOT to change you appearance and with patience and good planning, you can do just about anything to it.
SOOOOO, in conlusion, let me just say that having gone through something similar to you, though less extreme, during school (I wasn't considered attractive), I enended up having loads of dates after going ahead with a combination of all of the above. My latest projet is my longhair objective, which is going to bring me, I hope, even more popularity.
But underneath it all, --- and this applies whether or not you believe in anything, --- don't forget the dust to dust, ashes to ashes thing. Ultimately, appearance is vain because it eventually disappears, what matters most, including in the short term, is therefore not what you look like, but whether or not you are a good person. And, funilly enough, one you get past teh 17/18 age mark, that starts becoming a more important thing for people you are dating, including a lot of teh good-looking girls.
So, go ahead with a combination of inner goodness and planned, confident external change and you'll be on to a winner.
Good luck dude!!!
At the age of 57, I can empathise with your situation. That was me forty years ago. I left my hometown, and started at college, where I was accepted for what I was. After a few wobbly days, I made friends who I still see regularly, despite temporal and physical distance. My mother died when I was sixteen, but she left me advice to get a qualification, anything which was recognised worldwide. I did, and I have had a wonderfully successful career, marriage and children,unimaginable to myparents/schoolmates, and despite redundancy and compulsory early retirement,I am truly content with my lot. Just hang on in there, be yourself, and do what seems to be right at the time for you. Wishing you a great future - Nothing can be worse than the present, I remember!
I was nerdly in high school. I must say it was very nice to show up at my 10th-year reunion after having taken up weightlifting for a couple years, ditched the glasses (although as I get older glasses are more acceptable, contacts are SO much more comfortable (except in allergy season, ehgh!) and grown the mane into a lush ponytail. A grand total of TWO people recognized me. Guys I played D&D with at lunch time for years didn't recognize me. It was sweet.
The point being: you can change. You can change yourself. Not without limitation, of course, but you really can surprise yourself. I have. Pick your goals and work towards them!
-sectari
