new thread
Hey guys!
Fortunatly, after I finished my exams a week ago (and I have to say they went really well, if we don't mention maths =P ) I went to the north of the country, Minho, to spent a week on vacation =) I'm probably going back there fore another week of peace in the countryside in the end of the month. Oh well, the story is about what I had to hear yesterday about my decision to grow my hair.
I was having dinner at my mother's aucle's place, and my sister had already finished dinner and was playing with their dog. My mom was staring at her hair, that now is already past waist. She just said to her auncle "My daugther's has some hair..." like she was admiring the lenght she has right now... I just turned to my mother and gave her a big smile of contentment for how my sister's hair is turning out so far =) My mother then said "Don't laugh João, your hair is not gonna be as long has your sister's..." I don't know why my mother still has hope that I'm gonna quit growing my hair before I get to my goal... eventually, I don't think I'll ever quit growing it but oh well... When she said that i simply replied "Oh yes I will..." When i said this everyone stared at me... And my mother explaing "You know, now he thinks he's gonna let his hair grow butt lenght"... I kept defending my place and firming my decision. My great-uncle just shouted "What???? Then why!?" His daugther turned her head to me and screamed "Like duh!" like that was the stupidiest deciesion I could ever set my mind to. I just asked what was their problem... My great-uncle said he wouldn't let me grow my hair, and he would cut it next time I'd visit him having long hair... His daughter (who I am really found of, I like her very much) said she would make me cut it with a lot of conversation and love, like someone could change my mind when I set it to do something =\ ... Then I asked my great-uncle what's the problem of growing hair, to which he replied the most absurd answer "Man are suposed to have short hair and woman are suposed to have it long"... Dear God, life ain't kind! I asked him who sayd that... "Me" he said. I could only say "If you say so, I say that man can have long hair! And you don't know how sad it would make me if my hair was cutted..." For finishing the conversation, and knowing the degree of religiousness of my great-father I defended myself with the greatest argument I ever heard... "You know uncle, if God gave us hair, he surely doesn't want us to chop if off!"... I left him without arguments them but I was really scared with his reaction... Tough my mother thinks he was only joking... I hope so. I could still have asked him, then if woman are suposed to have long her, why does his wife as short short hair, and the same about his daughter... But I didn't wanted to make that a discussion, because I can't really mark my position... That will be a great benefit of the 18 year old time for me... which is only a month away now...
After this all I can say is that this kinds of things make me want to grow my hair longer and longer everytime...
LONG HAIR FOREVER!!! =D
Hi João,
congratulations to finsihing your exams! Was that your last year of "segundo grau em colégio"? What will you be doing next?
Sorry your relatives are giving you a hard time - that will ease up - you are 18 in a month. If they don't like your looks, tough for them! You will probably visit them less often or not at all... And, if your cousin does not accept your choice of hair style, then she's not accepting you unconditionally, even if she is very kind otherwise...
By the way, assuming that your grandparents and grand-uncles are conservative Catholics - just refer them to the current official Catechism of the Church. It has been authored mostly by the present pope when he was still in charge of the Congregation of Faith, and this pope is definitely very conservative on moral issues. Guess what - long hair on men isn't even mentioned in that catechism! If long hair were a sin, it certainly would have been included - along with some "juicy" bible quotes...
Hope you have a great summer!
Hans-Uwe
I totally agree with you, João! GROW IT FOREVER!
I think I made a mistake: I didn't find a better online translation for the German term "Abitur" than "segundo grau em colégio", but I found out that this is the literal Portugese translation of an American attempt to explain this term in English (i.e. "second year of undergraduate College").
The French term is "Baccalauréat", the Austrian term is "Matura", and the Spanish term is probably "Bacchillerato", and the British term may be "A levels" - but I didn't find the Portugese term...
I intended to ask about the degree that is required for entering university.
Hans-Uwe
I never liked math either. Glad you had a nice vacation in the north. I'm sure that part of your country is beautiful.
Sorry to hear about the conversation with your family members. It is kind of a double standard that women basically can go about with any style or length of hair that they wish (without reproach), and yet many look upon the long hair of a man with disdain. You have some great hair, and I hope you make the decision to keep it and let it grow as long as you want. You are not alone; there are many among us who have very little family support or family members who are anti-longhair. Yet, you will always get support for your hair growing here! My mom has never been a big fan of me growing hair either. She thought it was funny that I got my hair chopped back in May.
If your grandfather and great uncle are very religious, you will have to keep your wits up, but I am sure you can defeat their arguments and entreaties trying to convince you long hair is wrong. Portugal is a pretty conservative country in some ways, isn't it? I have found an arsenal of different things and arguments taliking about Corinthians if that is their arguing point. They are in English, but if you want, I will try to find them for you again. Again, good luck with it all.
Cabello comprido ~ agora, sempre, e tambem!
Later, Bragi
Joao David:
First of all, it's wonderful to see a young person take pride in their grades, as this has a direct reflection on the direction the rest of their life will take. My congratulations on your efforts to do well.
Also, don't expect opinions of others to change when you reach the age of 18. The fact that you have reached 18 will give you a sense of freedom and independence. You have to put a little effort into changing their opinions about you. I am 52, and still get the same reactions from family members now that I am growing my hair out again for the first time since college. It's actually funny to hear what they have to say.
I don't know your family dynamics, but I might suggest taking a slightly different tact when discussing the hair issue. Once you get to the "Cut your hair---No I won't" stage, you are both locked in a position that is difficult to back down from without showing weakness.
Many of the leaders of today are leaders because they chose to not follow the crowd and take their own path. Taking responsibility for their own decisions and facing the adversity of those decisions is part of what made them what they are. I must apologize for not knowing much about the recent history of your country, but you might do a little research about the people your family holds in high esteem to see where they began. I would guess many of these people took a different path than most to reach their current position.
Once armed with some factual information, then you can engage your family members in an intellectual discussion about others they respect who did not follow the norm. It doesn't just have to be about those who had long hair; it can be about anything that was different in their earlier days that made them what they are today. Natural leaders make their own decisions and stand behind them because they have the fortitude and belief that they are doing the proper thing. Just as you do.
You may never get their approval, but if you get their understanding you have come a long way. It's easy to disapprove of a kid who has long hair, doesn't communicate, and has no goals evident and no drive to go anywhere. It's much more difficult to disapprove of a young man who knows what he wants, is willing to think independently and differently to get ahead, is willing to face the consequences of his decisions, and who is working towards a better position in life. The fact of the matter (even though it may not be right) is that it is the perception you create to others about who you are that influences their thinking greatly. (As an example, look at the "spin" political candidates use to influence how others perceive them). And you can, by your actions, create and control this perception of your family members and others.
To sum up my long winded post, learning to handle adversity in a positive and non-confrontational manner is a big step along life's path that many never make. Sadly, many people never learn how to handle adversity. Think of yourself as fortunate that by growing your hair as you wish you will be better armed to handle whatever life may throw at you down the road.
I wish you the best in your future endeavors.
Big George
What a good answer, Big George! You make many good points! Yes, if Prince Henry the Navigator had not been thinking a little different, then he'd never have helped to lay the foundations of the Portuguese Empire, one of the world's first super-powers.
Hi Joao
And the above is exactly the way I would have felt!
Just a suggestion: "if" there is ever another time as you described, instead of defending yourself, just sit there and don't even bother. Best way of all not to get everyone so heated-up over something so foolish as to how long you desire to let your hair grow and keep the topic going longer and longer.
At this point I really wouldn't be all that frightened by what your mother said. "If" she was really against long hair you would never have gotten as far as you have.
Best thing to do is not mention your inward plans to anybody and just let the hair do the growing. It is going to look sensational! :-)
Justin~
Why does this sound familiar? My boyfriend's sister had waist length hair and she alwasys got the 'oh you have beautiful hair' while he got the 'when are you cutting that' off his mum. I think its just a sexist thing, its ingrained in some people.
As for religion Sikh's do not ever cut their hair as it is a gift from their God, it is natural and is one of the 5 K's (very important to real Sikh's), some of my Sikh's friends have hair to their knees (men and women) so keep that in mind.
And Good Luck
Hi João:
The problems that you are encountering with your family are unfortunate, but I think the best thing is that you are very clear and focused and know what you want when it comes to your hair. It seems like there is no question in your mind that you want your hair to be long, and to grow even longer. A lot of guys, especially ones your age, have a lot of doubts (about many things!), and are easily influenced by others' opinions. Being so resolute will allow you to get through these difficulties with ease, and I am sure you will discover the best possible way of dealing with them.
peace,
dino
Well João, you have told everybody of your intentions so they should not be shocked next time when you have even longer hair! I am sorry you have to put up with such fighting about what should be a simple thing but it is obvious that people feel more strongly about hair then (on both sides of the issue) than you would think. It still surprises me why one person's decision to grow out bothers others so much. Probably a major psychology paper in there somewhere :)
Whenever someone gives me the "men are supposed to have short hair" argument, I just say "in the Bible Samson killed like 10,000 people with the jawbone of a donkey, and he never cut his hair."
What else can you say?
Vikings had long hair. Vikings kick ass.
Hail Thor!!!
People have their opinions--okay. But by announcing 'to the world' what you intend to do with your hair is looking for confrontation of some kind.
By telling others what your plans are, you open yourself up to attacks BEFORE you reach your goals.
For example...let's say someone with a buzzcut or a shaved head announces to his family and friends that he is going to grow his hair waist -length...
...suddenly, everybody and his brother jump in to give their opinions and even begin their opposition to hair that DOES NOT EVEN EXIST yet!
We all have a natural inclination to share our 'dreams' with others...
...but it is not always a good idea to do so.
Maybe next time you could wear your hair in a tail and not mention it at all.
You will reach your goal soon enough--and without all that damned nagging!
Teddy Roosevelt, one of the USA's much-admired Presidents in its earlier history (unlike our current President, who is NOT admired) said that quote, --- or some wording fairly close to it...
In your case, I'd like to change the wording a bit: "TALK softly (or not at all); but, carry a big stick!" The "stick" we are talking about in this case is figurative, not literal. But, as an example, whenever you see a big, muscular dude with a weapon in his hand, it's obvious that guy will never have to say very much to anyone, because the world recognizes that he probably means whatever he might say, --- since he has the physical power to back himself up (and so best not to mess around with him)! The "strong, silent-types" create an air of mystery about themselves that can even unconsciously make people afraid to make any waves that might upset them!
This is hardest to do around family, of course; but trust me when I say that the less you attempt to defend yourself with words, and simply & quietly continue with your ACTIONS (just by growing your own hair out as you already have been doing)... people will eventually learn to shut up and not challenge you on your own personal, private choices.
I also NEVER reveal an important personal goal or "secret" to anyone I feel might not understand (even if much-loved family members). I hold it dear to my heart, --- and keep it tightly next to my chest (only showing those I most trust, if anyone at all). Time will prove you right, of course; but you are not "there" yet, --- so best to let the future speak for itself when it does actually arrive, later on...
Hope these thoughts have helped!
- Ken in San Francisco
Very good advice, Ken, I know what you mean.
Wow, your family embarked on a very ill-advised quest there. That conversation could only make you more determined to grow your hair. It looks amazing by the way.
Hello João David !
I've the same kind of problems with my Uncle... He say that mans have to be shorthaired and girls longhaired, like your's...
And all my family is like this... I can't bear it...
It's boring to explain always the same thing at the same persons...
And one more thing : YOU'RE RIGHT !!!!!!!!!! (when you say longhair forever...)
Peace, Fellow
Hi João,
You have a big hearty congratulations on the grades! That's fantastic news!
I hate to repeat some of the more sage advice posted before by some of the "elder longhairs" but they have a point -- it's usually ill-advised to telegraph one's intentions to others who may not understand or, worse, be hostile. It's a setup for grief and heartache.
I applaud your standing up to our great-uncle, but sometimes these things can yield real pain later on in life -- as happened between myself and my grandfather. He verbally savaged me one too many times about my hair and I, without a word, stood, turned on my heels, and walked away; the next time I saw him was when he was in his coffin. The general wisdom of my wife and close friends is that I did the best thing I could have under the circumstances; but, it still hurts to this day.
You challenged him, directly, on something that he, for whatever reason, holds dear to his heart; worse, you confused the issue by bringing his god into the picture. No wonder his brain probably panicked. People with ingrained notions, superstitions almost, tend to react that way when confronted with something new, unexpected, and, worst of all, a rational argument to back it up. That's how my grandfather continually reacted to me -- and I can tell you, it wasn't fun.
Go for it!
