new thread
I haven't cut my hair in about 9 months, and I really like the look and feel of long hair. My wife, however, doesn't like it. She says she's embarrassed to be seen with me, and that I look like a bum. I had long hair when we met (mid-back in a mullet). She seemed to like it then. I was geting pressure from family to cut it, so I did, but I've missed the feel of it.
I really want to keep growing it (though I will skip the mullet :P this time). How do I convince my wife to hang in there till it gets past this awkward phase? It's not really long enough to hold behind the ears, and a true ponytail is months away. She may never come around, but I think she would be happier with it when it's more managable.
Lon,
This may well be more than about your hair, so you have to be aware of that. I have been married 24+ years. My wife has always been supportive of things I wanted to do or try, and I of her. It's part of how we choose to treat each other.
You cannot change anyone's mind, but when the anyone is your spouse, you could at least let her know what you have told us. You like your hair long, and you like how it feels. You are going through the middle of an awkward stage, and you agree that it looks "bad" right now, but that you need and want her support for your long hair. You might add (though this is risky) that you have endured more than one "different" hairdo on her, and so you were hoping that she just might endure this awkward stage for you.
If this doesn't work, then I would have to ask myself if there is something more amiss here than your hair. Has the issue of your hair just become the symptom?
Best wishes,
Robert
Well, Robert,
I think you've said it very well.
My wife has long stated she prefers me with a 'clean look'. But, alas for her, I hate shaving -- I have senstive skin -- and, one day, I just decided that I would let my beard grow in.
Naturally, she went through a testing phase; muttered statements about how much more handsome [she thought] I was when clean-shaven; small, testing ultimatums suggesting she might stop shaving her legs (to which I would reply, "if that's what you really want to do, I will fully support you in that choice")....well a few weeks of that and now, three years later, I am discouraged anytime I consider aloud shaving it all off.
Well, I, too met some resistance when I told her I was interested in growing out my hair; comments about how I will look "like a clown with all that poofy hair"; small, testing ultimatums suggesting she would like to do something drastic with her hair, like shaving it off (to which I would, again, reply, "if that's what you really want to do, I will fully support you in that choice")....
Well about two weeks ago - even as I am in the early stages of my sure to be long akward stage - she started making comments like, "your hair is looking good".
I think, as a rule, people are resistant to change. If they think there is a way to stall, stop, or reverse a change, they will try it. Only when it is realized that a change is inevitable, will they come to grips with it and adjust their inner calibration to match the external changes. Until that acceptance occurs, any initiator of such change should expect a lot of testing -- especially from those whom hold closest exactly BECAUSE they hold the greatest stake in our being predictably who they have come to know and love. It would be hard to be in love with someone who was never consistently themselves -- who (which personality, set of values/opinions, particular look, character traits) is it that the person fell in love with?
Perhaps your wife is afraid you'll change/ are changing to such an extent that you would cease to be the same person (which personality, set of values/opinions, particular look, character traits) with whom she fell in love?
My advice:
1 - be understanding and let her know that you understand that you perhaps look a bit silly for now, but that you also anticipate it getting better in time
2 - let her know that, while you are exploring a bit of a new look (compared to recent days, you needn't bring up the old mullet issue with her), you are essentially the same person
3 - let her know how grateful you are for her place in your life and that you would really appreciate her support during this period of self-searching. If she can not offer support, ask her if she could at least no try to deride you.
4 - WHATEVER her opinion, testing, stance etc.. on your hair, the more the gentle warrior yo can be about it (steadfast, non-defensive, accepting of advice without necessarily capitulating to it), the shorter this period of challenge will be......
that is unless Robert is correct and this really has a lot more to do about your relationship as it currently stands than about your hair.
Best of luck,
Shawn "Mr. Crow"
Disregard the earlier link...
my computer is auto filling the form on the reply page which includes the link area....I'll try to be more conscious of it. (no advice on clearing cache or temp files, please)
Shawn
That has to be the most mature and well thought out post I've ever read on the internet. My gf changes the style and color of her hair on a regular basis, and sometimes it's been a little hard for me to get used to all the change. It's just the type of person she is though, and I wouldn't want her to not be herself. I'll adapt and support any decision she makes. Lucky for me she more than supports my long hair journey. :)
Thanks, Emmerich, for you compliment.
Good to know you are supported in your journey (and that you are strong enough to support her on her various hair excursions, too!).
Keep it growing!
Shawn (Mr. Crow)
I have to disagree with the other responders. My wife was supportive of me growing my hair. She kept telling me for years that I should grow it, since she knew that's what I really wanted.
Now that I've had it long for the past few years, she keeps letting me know every now and then that she doesn't like it long. She doesn't refuse to go places with me....but she has never touched my hair since it's grown long. She doesn't want me to get the idea that she likes it even a little.
We have a great relationship. She supported me growing it, even though she doesn't prefer long hair on men. Yet the fact remains that she doesn't like my hair long. It's not a reflection on our relationship. It's just a reflection of her tastes and preferences.
I have to say that you've got some great hair there, Mick.
Sorry your wife has an embargo on your hair, but glad to read that it doesn't spill into the other areas of your relationship.
I admire the integrity you show be remaining true to your choice to wear your hair long -- all the more since it is, for you, a partnerless journey.
Thanks for you post,
Shawn Mr.Crow Crowell
I dont think my wife was all that thrilled with mine either to begin with, but there's not much she can say. I was commenting to her last Christmas about letting her hair grow back out, and she told me that if I wanted long hair I could grow my own out. So, much to her surprise, I am.
She has come around; in fact she likes to run her hand through it when we are sitting, watching TV, at a soccer game, etc. Now I'm wondering why I didn't do this years ago.
Going through the awkward stage is a problem. Let her know that you have a good bit of time and effort involved in your journey to this point, and you want to see how things turn out since you have already put in almost a year. Ask her for recommendations on how to control it; my wife has bought be some clips and things that don't look feminine, and I wear them.
See if she won't be a part of it daily. Today my wife gets off work at 2 pm;I showered, shaved, washed my hair before noon. It should be a fun afternoon!
Big George
Well, BigGeorge, try to to get too many tangles...they can be hard to get out.
=D
-Mr. Crow
cor blimey mister :)
I suggest you be very kind and attentive to your wife, but after your next shower ask her to style your hair in the way she thinks it would look best, and if this outcome is not up to her expectations, urge her without criticism to try and try again until she is satisfied. You may give her permission to set your hair on rollers if you have four hours of office or house work to do while it dries. Many men utilize roller sets, but few take it public, contributing to the myth that it is rare. There is a high probability that this demonstration that you have not excluded her from this dimension of your life will strengthen your relationship, and it is probably that she will feel increasingly a compliment that she has helped a previously blocked dimension of self.
Hi Lon,
a lot has been said already in the excellent commentaries below. Just a minor thought: Most of us (including myself) argue against trims during the "growing-out" phase. However, depending on how it looks and how you feel about it, you could consider, say, a one-onch trim at the bottom of the back (and ONLY there) to even your hair line out. No thinning or cutting on the top! Be super-careful about choosing a trustworthy hair stylist if you do this - find another long-haired customer. By the way, such a trim only makes sense if your hair is relatively straight, though. And, you might have to make it clear that giving an inch doesn't mean that she can take a foot.
Still, chances are that she'll start liking your hair once you get real length.
In any case, happy growth, and be steadfast with your hair - keep us posted!
Hans-Uwe
Hi
Lon
So what my wife dont like mine but the real factor is that its YOUR hair and not your wifes, Yeah I have long hair to and its my Choice not the Wifes so whats it to be then Your Choice or your Wifes ???
Axel
A Bum? And yet she liked long hair when you met! And now she is embarrassed to be seen with you? This makes no sense at all. Perhaps there is something going on here other than long hair that is being used as an excuse?
Did it make the family any happier that they controled you and robbed you of your own individuality?
Than do.
You don't if her mind is made up.
You "think," you "think," but.............do you know?
To live the life of a puppet is to not really live.
Wish I could give you a magical solution to this problem.