new thread
I've recently come off the WORST weekend I have ever experienced in my 22 years of living. I dont even know how to express the feelings in words or anything other then tears. My girlfriend of 2 years and 4 months and the only girl whoever gave me a second look or the time of day cheated on me while she was away at college. I am completely crushed, this is the first girl I ever kissed (I know my first kiss was at age 20,im pathetic), the girl I lost my virginity to and the girl I have lived for. I truley thought i found my perfect match, when I met her I got over my depression, lonelyness, awkwardness and every other insecurity I had. Now I feel like the geeky, shy, depressed kid I was in highschool.
I feel like such a useless waste of life right now, I dont know how i'm going to do my finals for school next week, or how I'm going to face my family and friends when I come back for the holidays. My whole life collapsed under me. I have never felt so vulnerable in all my life, I NEVER thought this could happen to me. She was the only person I could ever connect with and now its over, i'm almost sure I will never find anyone else that will know me like she did. I waited for a person like her for 20 years, 20 years never knowing how good it felt to be loved and now its gone...the fairytale is over.
Now the news of this from her was bad enough, but when it was all said and done and the argument was over she insulted almost everything that was important to me. She insulted my friends, my family and ofcourse my long hair. Saying i dont even try and keep myself clean cut and look nice for her. Im lost, i dont know what to do.
Hey. I'm really sorry to hear that man, but don't worry you'll get over it! Try to take your mind off of it as hard as it may seem. As cliche as it sounds, its true, and if shes willing to insult something that's really important to you then she's not worth your time and thoughts right now, there are more important things. Hope this helped, and stay strong!
-Mihnea
You are the same guy who found confidence in himself a few months ago. What your girlfriend did is about her. It's not about you. That doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt like hell. Honestly, who enjoys having the rug jerked out from under him? You'd bee sick if you did.
But, stay clear about yourself. What she did is not about you. It's about her? Insult you, your family, your friends? Nah. Insulted herself.
Now, you can allow yourself to hurt over this, and learn about yourself. But, in the midst of it all, keep hold on the guy you experienced over the last few months.
Pathetic for being 20 and kissing your first girl or having your first sexual experience with her? That's not pathetic. That's honest, and that's you. It doesn't get any better than that--knowing yourself.
So would a 13 year old kiss or a 15 year old sexual experience be somehow not pathetic? Think about it. They are children. You are a young man.
I'll stop now. I simply wanted you to know from an older guy that nothing you are describing hasn't happened to the rest of us, and it's not all the garbage that you feel like right now.
Stand tall. Breathe. STay in your own skin.
Robert
I second the motion. Robert's got it right.
I hope you are able to pull yourself together for your finals and then, spend some time grieving over the break, then realize that all the gains - the self-condifence, the dropping of the high-school ackward self....those are all YOUR accomplishments (which she helped you to find) and are not to be diminished by her first year college experience. (At least she's not starring in a 'Girls Gone Wild Video'.)
Shawn (Mr.Crow)
I'm going to give you my honest thoughts on this, and it is not because I want to hurt you... I really do wish the best for you, and I think you need to hear this:
First of all, your self worth should not be tied to another person.
Secondly, if you love her so much, why are you so worried about it?? Fidelity is not a human trait, get over it, and work through this with her.
Thirdly, college is a time of experimentation, just because she experimented with another man (or woman) doesn't mean she doesn't still love you.
Finally, the fight you two had, probably deeply unsettled her, and she was on the defensive, most likely she said some stuff she didn't mean! Good luck to you, and I hope you two can work this out!
Sincerely,
*Shin*
Is this "advice" a joke? I'm livid just reading this...
Firstly, no your self worth shouldn't be ties to another person.
Secondly, fidelity is exremely important. If Someone knows how badly their actions will hurt the person they "love", they would not do them. Love isn't some feeling people have like the replyer is making it out to be. Its not some school girl/boy emotion that makes you feel fuzzy when you go to sleep.
Love is the DECISION to put the happiness and well being of that person so far above your own that you cease to worry about your self and your wants. Love is selfless. Love never hurts. If she loved him, she would put his wellbeing above her own, and thats how it works.
When both people the in relationship are focused on loving, truly committed loving, to one another, you no longer have to worry about yourself. Your loved one takes care of you, and your of her.
Thirdly, how dare you pass off cheating on the guy as college experimentation, sounds like you cheated on plenty of people...
College is a time of furthering your personal growth, expanding ones mind and knowledge, and preparing yourself for the world.. not for getting trashed and sleeping around with people for any reason. She broke his heart and blamed him, and you pass it off as "doesnt mean she doesn't love you." To the original poster, That girl doesn't know what love is.
Finally, forget working things out. Any girl who doesn't understand what love means, and even if she understands it has no care to impliment it in her won relationship is not worth the pain. This happened to myself as well, I am speaking from experience. I know how you feel. Its terrible and anyone who passes it off either does the same thing or is so far removed from love themselves that I want to love them so they will understand what real love is.
What is my generation coming to? How horribly disheartening...
if you care to chat IM me at lookcloser1827 AIM screen name, or email at Rome.sc@gmail.com
P.S. No matter what her excuses,, no reason she could ever give warrants what she did, and NEVER let her try to convince you otherwise.
Please don't make mne luagh, I start to feel bad if it's at some one else's expense
next time please do your research before trying toi argue with me, I've had this problem with MANY of my boyfriends in the past. Any way have some proof that Fidelity is not a human trait by looking at the hsbits of our Closest living, relative
Biologists believe that monogamy evolved in those species whose fathers could help rear the offspring (e.g., birds). Biologists have observed birds to be the most monogamous animals in the world--much more so than humans. Over ninety percent of bird species pair up exclusively to mate and rear chicks together because both mother and father are equally able to provide food for the chicks.
The theory that monogamy originated from an equal partnership in "child-rearing" explains why only a small percentage (approximately three-percent) of mammals are monogamous (3). In mammals, females alone produce milk for the young. The percentage of primates that are monogamous is, however, considerably higheræperhaps as large as fifteen percent. Most other mammals practice either promiscuity or polygyny.
In promiscuity animals have many mates and, furthermore, no relationships with those mates beyond the act of sex. The reproductive strategy for promiscuous species seems to be the spreading of sperm widely and abundantly. Males who have faithful mates, whether one or a harem of faithful females, use their energy instead to secure the territory for their partners and offspring, thereby giving the young ones a better chance to grow to adulthood.
Polygyny describes a situation in which a single male mates with multiple females. Some scientists have even placed Homo sapiens in this category by citing studies of human culture in which four in five societies practice polygyny. The difference is that species other than humans do not make the pretense of faithfully bonding for life.
Researchers observe that these different strategies are revealed in the size of an animal's testes. Chimpanzees and gorillas provide a nice example. Chimps are promiscuous, and gorillas are polygynous. Male gorilla bodies are about four times bigger that male chimp bodies, but the chimps' testes are four times larger than gorillas'--sixteen times larger, proportionally.
My source on this is: http://www.students.emory.edu/HYBRIDVIGOR/issue1/mating.htm
Frankly, I don't think the rest of this, "reply" is worth my time... And next time do your research before arguing with me about something...
Hope to speak to you again, on less hostile terms
Love, in abundance,
*Shin
*ps sorry about the prolific spelling errors, My boyfriend's dell does not, have a spell checker, and I typed this in a hury.
next time please do your research before trying toi argue with me, I've had this problem with MANY of my boyfriends in the past. Any way have some proof that Fidelity is not a human trait by looking at the hsbits of our Closest living, relative
Sorry bud, but the situation at hand has no context within the few cultures who are polygynous. The culture out of which these people are in are not polygynous. Second, you're information on the biology of mammals is absolutely worthless when applied to the complex emotions and relationships humans have. Don't you dare try to "act like a scientist" when the subject matter you are using to argue is not even close to applicable. Get a grip. Apes do NOT come close to the complicities of human emotion, motives, interaction, and perception.
The research done on the similarities between apes and homo sapiens go no further than very basic intellectual similarities. I'm finishing up a psych. degree and I will discuss with you if you wish MANY possible motives for her cheating on him, and consequences of that, and how he or she may perceive what she has done, and I will GUARENTEE it has NOTHING to do with biological research done between apes and humans. Sorry. Or, how it has nothing to do with the polygynous societies in our world, because the underlying principles in which the people in these societies are raised in are completely different from ours. Again, incomparable therefore making your reasoning and source choice for this argument invalid. Again, my email is aeyrim@gmail.com .
Firt of all; You all seem to be suffering the disillusion that I said it was socially acceptable to cheat. I didn', I said it was in our genetic heratage, please don't read more, than was said.
Secondly: I wasn't joking when I said, Do your research! Or else you start to look like this...
Sooooo... You don't consider yourself a mammal? I don't even know how to respond to that.
when applied to the complex emotions and relationships humans have.
Did you ever read up on Koko the Gorilla? here I'll give you a couple of links...
http://www.koko.org/
http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?sec=health&res=9D03E2D91538F931A35757C0A963948260
Please don't hold humans up on a pedistool, we aren't the only one's with higher brain functions. (actually emotions are rather primative, and I suspect we inherited them from our genetic anscestors. This is just my thoughts on the matter, no source to sight here)I'm sorry to tell you but the rest of your post is meant to be rather inflamitory, and the links above make my point for me.
Any way this is horrably off topic; so, I'm done. I won't respond to any thing more on the subject. And would rather like to go back to our conversations about hair.
Again, Love in abundance,
*Shin*
Ps again, I'm using his dell again, sorry for any spelling misshaps
Your view of humanity as an evolved species is just one world-view amongst many other valid world-views that hold humanity to be a distinct and "special creation". The person who is having relationship problems may or may not agree with your view, but in any case such a world-view provides little comfort for those in distress.
I think evolution is often called the humanist world view because they believe that man is evolved and because of that anything goes, as long as majority agrees. Problem is if evolution is true then what is there to live for? I might remind that Paul said in the Bible that if Jesus never came back from the dead then our faith is worthless and we might as well just give up.
I thought that Darwin had knocked this one on the head some 150 years ago (yes, I know he wasn't 100% right), but I find this kind of willful ignorance baffling in the extreme. From my own experience, it is perfectly possible to have a life that has worth without the need to believe in the supposed resurrection of an individual 2000 years ago. Evolution or creationism cannot, by definition, both be valid world views. One or the other may be right. Both could be wrong. But both cannot be right as they are mutually exclusive arguments.
Back to the topic, I feel sorry for the guy who's been dumped/cheated on. It sucks but it's all part of life experience. Again, my experience is that you can love more than one person at once and both/all with intensity. Also, you can have great sex with someone you don't like and OK sex with someone you love to bits. Sex comes in lots of flavours and I think you need to try them all out before choosing your favourite. And then you can change your mind!
Darwin has shown that micro-evolution is a fact. Macro-evolution, however, is still a theory that hasn't been proven, yet it isn't necessarily incompatible with a religious viewpoint. After all, no-one alive today was there when the universe came into existence, so the best scientists can do is guess at what may have happened. And not all scientists think the universe came into being by chance. Some do believe in intelligent design. Either way, the chance theory or the creation theory cannot be proven/ disproven, with the limited knowledge we have now. And many extremely intelligent people have held religious beliefs, so I don't think its wise to accuse anyone if willful ignorance. Each to their own I say!
And you have completely proven my point that you dont understand love.. you attempted to downgrad everything I said about love into mammalian sexual tendecies... well done..and how completely "missing the point" of you...
Im quite pleased that you aren't responding in this thread anymore, debasing love into sex is as primitive an action as the human mind can be. Enjoy your simple mammalian-ness, I will enjoy my humanity, a species with the cognitive ability to separate "mating" from love.
P.S. do you "experiment" behind your boyfriend's back, too?...
If you want to compare yourself to apes, go ahead. You fail to realize that the ability to think and reason is what sets us apart from the other species you so emulate.
Your right; the rest of his reply is not worth your time. You have to be able to comprehend the difference.
Rome, I couldn't have said it better.
Big George
ive never got this whole "college is a time for experimentation" thing, it sounds like an excuse to drink, do drugs, and have sex with whoever you please to me.
And the problem with that is? :-)
by Shinimikra seems very logical to myself and extremely well thought-out. He has given his honest opinion, and it has been delivered in a most gentleman-like mannor at that. His remarks were well prefaced.
The only advice I can give you is that most everyone has been there before and that this relationship was not meant to be. It is very tough when someone does not share the same feelings. She may tell you that she does, but you both know that if you feel strongly enough about someone that you would never knowingly do anything to hurt them. For her to put blame on you is just plain wrong and her way of manipulating the situation to make her feel better and an attempt at making you feel guilty. Keep you head up man and remember the best revenge is success. Good luck on your finals.
I remember feeling a lot of the emotions that you are having when I was in my late teens/ early twenties, due to difficult times. There are no easy answers that will miraculously make you feel better now yet I will say that those experiences made me a stronger, more mature person as time went by. And when you find strength and belief in yourself, life does get better!
Best wishes
Well, that really sucks man. Though I want you to think about some stuff before you go back to be the old you. Do you really really think that your confidence came from her and not from you? Are you truly incapable of taking care of your own life?
I think that YOU are in control of YOUR life. Everything we do, every action we take comes with a choice. I know this sounds a bit harsh, but at this moment you are choosing to be depressed. I know because I´ve been through the same thing. I used to be just like you, and for me it went so far that I was inches away from killing myself 6 months ago. But I fought myself out of it. You know what I learned? I am NOT a loser, I am NOT worthless and I can damn well go and get me a girlfriend, a job or whatever I want right now if I choose to. It´s all in your head, mate. There´s nothing wrong with you, au contraire. With some confidence I think you´ll have plenty of women dying to jump into bed with you.
If you flunk the exams because of this, that is your CHOICE. It really really sucks if you give up on yourself but hey, it´s your life. There are 6 billion people on this planet and the only one who can help you is yourself. Stop acting like a loser, be yourself. Take control of your life and you will be the winner. You will probably have lots of anxiety over some things but you need to fight through it. You are as strong (or even stronger because of what you´ve been through) as any other man. But in the end, if you will make it or not, is up to you. Sooner or later you´ll have to deal with your fears anyways, better do it now.
I hope I made some sense at least. I know I´m younger than you (19) but hopefully my experience in these matters helps.
If you need to talk, I´m on msn quite often: brorebest@hotmail.com.
It saddens me to hear that. I can't really find a way of words to help you in this situation b/c I haven't been there before. Actually, I'm 18 and I haven't been kissed yet and have minimal female friends(out of 80 myspace friends, 5 are girls) so I know how u felt in that respect.
But I can't even comprehend the horrors you must be living through right now...things like those shouldn't happen to anyone, but now that it has, I guess all there is to do is to understand that a person that is willing to hurt you so much by doing that, isn't worth your while.
And try to cheer up so it won't mess up your life completely. Keep the damage contained in only one area of your life.
My best wishes to you
-Gio
Thanks for the advice everyone but I just can't shake the feeling, she is all I think about. I dont want to try and save the relationship or any of that but I know if i was put on the spot I would probably forgive her because honestly, I like the person I am better when I'm with her then when i'm not. I feel like such crap, I am starting to get sick from the lack and sleep and eating and all I keep thinking about is her beautiful smile and every moment I spent with her. I know you all keep saying how I can find someone else but I just dont think I can. I'm not good with meeting people and in my school there are very few genuinely nice girls that arent into the party and drinking scene. Im not looking for some one night stand, I had my dream and now that shes gone it's killing me.
I cant get this churning feeling out of my stomach. Even worse, I am starting to blame myself now for the whole incident "What did I do wrong?", "What could I have done to prevent this?", "Did I handle the situation wrong by blowing up at her?". Everything just keeps getting worse, I keep imagining the guy she cheated on me with...probably 6'2", great physique with defined muscles, and dark and handsome. I didnt deserve her in the first place, it was too good to be true. I am sorry for dropping the pity party on everyone but I just dont know what to do but blame myself and my shortcomings.
While I am crushed, I would never even consider ending my life. I have to many things else in my life that are important to me like my friends, my family and just living in general. But I feel I have been striped of all motivation to do anything, a huge part of me is incomplete now. My insecurities are all returning, I check the mirror multiple times an hour and question everything about myself. I told a few of my friends, they expressed their honest thoughts but then said I should go out to clubs and such with them when I return for break. It's like they think finding some random girl and sleeping with her is going to make everything better and make me forget the past 2 years.
ForeverEyes,
I’m in my mid-20s, and I’ve only been in one relationship which lasted for about two years. I won’t go into details, but it wasn’t a good situation and when it ended I actually mentally suppressed the turmoil for another two years. When it came bursting to the surface this spring I felt awash in all of my old insecurities again, all of the things about myself that I thought I’d dealt with. It has been a very difficult road, but after a time I was able to accept the challenge. This is a season of my life, a time to introspect, grow, and become stronger. I realized that I hadn’t actually dealt with the issues the relationship “fixed,” and it’s much harder to truly heal vs. just slapping on a band-aid. I only write this so you know I have some perspective (though I certainly haven’t been in your exact shoes).
My advice is this: deal with the big pain first. Lean on your friends and family for support as much as you can. [But make it clear what support means, donÂ’t get dragged out to a bar just because your buddies think itÂ’s a good idea]. Take deep breaths and weather the storm so you can begin to truly deal with your insecurities. It isnÂ’t easy, it isnÂ’t fun, but sometimes itÂ’s necessary to rethink who you are.
Good luck, and you have my sympathy.
Mouse
The fact that you're willing to honestly post your feelings like this shows a lot of strength of character. It seems to me that you are already on your way to recovery (although it could take a while and there's no reason to try to rush things) and you will meet a wonderful woman eventually. I think you're being very smart and mature by not having random one night stands to try and make up for your loss. I wish you the best for your future.
I see what youre getting at, but no, theres no reason to blame yourself, you most likely didnt do anything wrong. as for your friends, they're trying to get your mind off of it by having fun, which is one of the best ways to forget about problems at times like these! hope this helped. Stay Strong!
-mihnea
Next time you're at the mirror, see YOURSELF. It's all about you. It's not the end of the road. See all you got boy, isn't great anough to be happy. Now see others... and compare. Thank the lord being alive, complete!
Nuff said.
This is not a time to cry (even though you feel like it, it's ok), it's a time to get PISSED and carry on. When the **** hits the fan, you need to pick yourself up and keep going. Just forget her.
AMEN PANTERA OWNS!!!!! R.I.P. Dimebag! Seriously though, Pantera has gotten me through some tough times, they have a song for almost everything in your life. Sorry for getting off topic though.
-Mihnea
We've all been there. Losing your first love feels like hell, but very few of us end up with even the second or third woman we meet, so it's a common bond that you share with most of the guys on the planet. We really do know how you feel, but we also know that you will get over it in time. Unfortunately, time is about the only thing that really helps much, but at your age you should have plenty of it.
Women try to turn things around to make the guy look bad when it's really them who's done something wrong. They can be very skilled at it, but don't be fooled. Apologies to any women reading this, but IME that's standard operating procedure for the female of the species. It's just the first time you've encountered it, and not likely to be the last time either.
(Prepares to be flamed!!)
Chalk it up as experience and move on!!! Look at it this way; it's HER loss, not yours. In the meantime, there is more fish in
the sea. You are still very young at 22. Keep looking. Don't let your grades fall because of this!! Pick yourself up and get your heart where it belongs: in getting the best grades in school so you can get a good job. Look at it this way; you've
done better than me-you've at least dated a girl and got close to her for a while. I still haven't done that yet (but every dog has his day!).
What ever your short comings. Lose your virginity again, but more cautiouslyu.
Friend,
I responded much to lightly before. I think others have said eloquently that we have been there too. I feel bad for the sense of loss your are experiencing.
Here is the rub. When we love someone else, we often project a part of our own stremght on to them, and sometimes they cannot live up to that expectation. This results in a sad ddisappointment.
That she found you attractive in the first place means that others will too. Just let the sadness and grief pass, and open yourself to new discoveries. They are there, I assure you. Just be sure you are sensitative to those other people and make sure your communication and connections are real and not fantasied.
Caledonian:
I've recently come off the WORST weekend I have ever experienced in my 22 years of living. I dont even know how to express the feelings in words or anything other then tears. My girlfriend of 2 years and 4 months and the only girl whoever gave me a second look or the time of day cheated on me while she was away at college. I am completely crushed, this is the first girl I ever kissed (I know my first kiss was at age 20,im pathetic), the girl I lost my virginity to and the girl I have lived for. I truley thought i found my perfect match, when I met her I got over my depression, lonelyness, awkwardness and every other insecurity I had. Now I feel like the geeky, shy, depressed kid I was in highschool.