new thread
Well, my mother used to be nothing but supportive about my decision to grow my hair long. Unfortunately, this isn't quite the case now. I know exactly why this change of attitude has occurred. Recently, she has started going back to the Pentecostal church which she attended regularly back before I was born. Of course, I was happy for her, because I know that is what she wants, but ever since she has been going, she has been verbally critical against both my hair and my beliefs. I am not a religious person at all. After explaining the reasoning behind my beliefs to her, she basically just started preaching at me and telling me I was headed to Hell. I find it disheartening that I am accepting of her choices, but she seems so overly critical of mine. A few days ago, when I was at home for a visit, she said "So, are you ready for a haircut yet?" It kind of took me by shock. It just didn't even sound like her. I told her "No way" and she made a little comment like "You'll grow up and grow out out of this long haired stage one day." The only thing I could do to a remark like that was just laugh it off. Let it be known, that I have no plans of cutting my hair anytime in the forseeable future, but if I did it would definitely not be because I "grew up and grew out of it". I hate it how some people equate long hair with immaturity. If you ask me, that shows immaturity on the part of the person who says something like that. Damnit, some people can be so superficial, judgmental, and simple-minded... grrr...sorry for the rant guys...I just really needed to vent. At the end of the day, she is my mother and I love her, but damn she is really getting on my nerves lately lol
BTW, the hair has been growing for 16 months and is just about 10 inches long now =)I'll try to get some new pics up sometime in the near future. Peace
Parents, don't you just love them? lol It sounds like you were the mature one! Fortunately you're now a college student; once your semester break is over you can probably avoid your mom for quite awhile - perhaps until May! :-)
Feel free to vent anytime.
Sheesh... It definitely seems like you were on the rational side of the argument here. I mean, I don't have a problem with people being religious or anything, but does having long hair really truly hurt anything or effect other people? As a parent, she probably thinks she is looking out for what she thinks is best for you. At the same time, however, you're in college, you're legally-speaking an adult, and she should be accepting of such personal choices you make that have no real bearing on her life.
I haven't had these kinds of issues with my parents, but maybe I'm just a lucky one. Who knows... Hang in there, man. Just ignore her and perhaps she'll stop bugging you about it. Keep the long hair growing and flowing and post updates when you can. =)
-James
Your feelings are understandable. And, your mom is likely doing the best she can. So sad that religion has made her less compassionate that she was before. This, unfortunately, is also not uncommon. We have not learned in our culture, yet, that religion can be a source of wisdom (which goes hand in hand with compassion) or it can be just another blade in hand to judge and dissect others with.
I would suggest returning your mom's barbs with the compassion you would like to receive from her. At some level, she will see and understand that you are offering her what she seeks in her religion--comfort, compassion, and understanding.
It's not out there somewhere. We all already have it.
Robert
Hi SOADdude,
sorry to hear that your mother turned towards religion in the wrong way - so these parish members tell her that she goes to hell if she doesn't "warn" you (i.e. give you s___ about your hair), and she obliges that you go to hell if you don't turn religious in exactly the same way as the denomination your mother attends. My apologies to all Pentecostal Christians who are NOT narrow-minded, but this does look as if your mother joined a cult rather than simply going back to her religious roots.
To tell people that they are going to hell is outrageous, and as a Christian I say, that's up to the good Lord, and NOT to the pastor, your mother, or even me. I'm certain, though, whether your beliefs are theistic or atheistic, you'll go to heaven as long as you honestly try to follow your conscience - anything else is poor theology.
Also, I'm sorry for your mother that she suddenly got so scared. Does she believe in a cruel and judgmental God? I don't think she's really happy.
As for yourself, set her firm borders. You are over 18. Tell her that it is absurd to exchange her supportiveness for a narrow-minded vindictiveness-like attitude, and tell her to stop giving you that nonsense - it's un-Christian! If she gives you that kind of pep-talk again, calmly walk out of the room.
By the way, if she really wanted to bring you closer to God, she should have told you about being loved UNconditionally - as we say "mit Haut und Haaren" ("with skin and hairs", a German idiom meaning "all the way", "totally"). (Please don't get me wrong, I have my beliefs as you see, but I don't mean to push them on you.)
And, it's not wise if you explain things to her at present. Rather, ask her questions and watch her getting entangled in contradictions. Is she possibly afraid to use reason in order to understand God's word?
If she's "proof-reading" bible texts and taking quotations out of context in order to make her point, suggest that she reads good books about biblical theology. A while ago, I came across "What St. Paul really said about women" by John Temple Bristow. Incidentally, this book also makes clear that St. Paul's long-hair thing is a cultural phenomenon, and not a biblical dogma or norm. I'll gladly go into that a bit more if you are interested (shoot me an e-mail; repeat if I don't answer after the first, occasionaly my spam filter throws out legitimate mails).
Hey, you look great, and you should continue to enjoy the great hair growth your Creator endowed you with - THAT's maturity, - and I'm glad to see that this is exactly what you are determined to do. You are a grown-up, and you stand up for yourself. Growing your hair out the way YOU like is part of being a real adult!
Hope your mother grows out of her current phase - and, hope her toxic comments stay out of your subconscious (and do not linger to induce "delayed compliance"). To avoid "delayed compliance", meditate from time to time saying something like "(No, mother,) I AM a grown-up, and THEREFORE I grow my hair LONG, the way it ALWAYS is MEANT to be." You can do this kind of brief meditation eg before you fall asleep at night, that's a particularly effective way of cleansing your subconscious from toxic thoughts.
Happy growth, lots of strength, and a happy year 2007, in every respect!
Hans-Uwe
That post was filled with great insight and understanding. I must admit, that the delayed compliance thing had crossed my mind too, but since I know about it, I feel confident that it won't affect me. I'll probably still take your advice about meditation and ridding my mind of that kind of thing from time to time. Have a great 2007, Hans!!!
P.S.
That book sounds interesting. I'll send you an email shortly.
Eeek, I just remembered that the email address I use for the hyperboard isn't accessible to me now. Ever since I got on this dorm network, it doesn't seem to want to let me log in. If you could, please send some more info on that book to this email address ----> noble_r_brandon@hotmail.com
Someone has to tell those Bible Gestapo that the church or anyone doesnt decide if you go to Heaven or Hell. In fact I would go further to say that the Bible, it is not the word of God. The Bible is a collection of writings of people who were inspired by God. The word of God is in fact Jesus (as in John 1) because it makes no sense that God is only contained in a book. That explains why there are no "perfect" translation of the Bible and one doesn't have to understand Greek/Hebrew/Aramaic in order to understand who God is. It is important to make a distinction about this because alot of well intentioned Christians gets carried away with what one passage or verse or chapter of the Bible says. However the truth is that everyone falls short no matter what Bible passage you judge someone on, even if you used it on Mother Teresa. That is why we need Jesus. However it is hard for most people to outgrow Biblical passages/restrictions because they often think if they stray from the Bible they go to hell. However the Bible also says as a Christian we are supposed to be free from the law.
Sorry to be preachy but that is also my belief as well. However I would like to say that Biblical/moral laws (like 10 commandments) does apply to everyone, not because of who's christian or not, but because the 10 commandments are in our conscience. Everyone knows its wrong to lie, steal, kill, envy, dishonor parents, and etc. However the flip side is that just using the 10 commandments, EVERYone falls short so everyone is equally deserving of punishment...
I hope this makes sense...
I have found the information in the following link a resource for entering Biblical discussions about long hair. A number of verses are quoted, and logical arguments presented for each. Hope this helps.
http://www.metalforjesus.org/guest2.htm
I hope I am not mistaken here, but I seem to recall that the Pentecostals show depictions of Jesus with long hair!
You might want to throw that one at your mother next time she displays how religion has been rubbing off on her lately towards yourself in a most hateful way.
"Judge not lest yee be judged." Did she ever hear of that one?
Might as well ask her. Sounds like at this point no matter what you do with your hair in letting it stay long will not be acceptable to her. I for one would NEVER cut it! But then, if you did cut it...what next might be found wrong with you in the eyes of the devout?
(I DO apologize if I am mistaken about the Pentecostals.)
It always sucks when a parent doesnt support what you want to do. Just keep stickin with it and try to block out what she says, ive gotten the near exact same comments from my mom, too.
It's funny, but so often I've seen the roles reverse themselves in parent - son relationships. What I mean by that is: often when a boy becomes a man, one parent (or sometimes BOTH) can suddenly start behaving rather immaturely, --- almost as if in a desperate attempt to keep the young man a boy. I'm not saying this is "always" the case, or even necessarily the exact situation you are going through with your mom; but, what I am saying is that the roles of parent/child can become reveresed... In your situation, for example, it seems like you are suddenly being put in the predicament of having to be very patient and compassionate towards her, --- while at the same time, calmly and firmly not going along with her illogical wishes.
Your hair is yours and yours alone. And long or short hair has nothing to do with maturity. I have met very mature people of both hair-lengths, --- as well as the opposite! And I have also met religious people of both hair-lengths, as well...
I like what Robert said, as well as Hans-Uwe. I think you got a lot of great replies here!
It is hard to live in the same house with someone who starts displaying and voicing disagreement or distaste for something which you dearly love (in this case, your long hair). If she's not careful, she will unknowingly push you farther and farther away from her, where you'll soon be not wanting to be around her at all. Just do not let her negative, irrational, narrow-minded comments brain-wash you when you DO have to be around her! I know nothing about Pentecostal beliefs; but, I do know that every person that I've ever admired as an inspiring example of trying to live Jesus' teachings has been filled with the kind of loving-kindness that would never intrude on another's personal decisions. She is obviously being influenced wrongly (by someone at this church would unfortunately be my guess), --- and it is your job, your "calling' maybe even, for you to calmly, patiently, and even lovingly show her by your own example that her current attitudes and behavior are only a mistaken concept of doing "right."
My best to you, --- and keep growing' that fantastic head of hair of yours!!
- Ken in San Francisco
I don't know if it will help any to know but Pentecostal churches can be big on women having long hair. My knowledge of them is limited so I can not say if this is across the board for the Pentecostal faith or just common to many of their churches. Long hair is seen as a woman's glory and women are encouraged to grow their hair uncut for life to serve the Lord. Cynical me notes that only women are asked to take on this show of faith and the effect just so happens to be pleasing to many men. Funny that.
I actually have a book by Pentecostal author Juli Jasinski titled "Daring Dos For Extremely Long Hair" and it includes commentary along with styles. She rips up women with cropped hair saying they look like men. In her own not always grammatical words, "Where has the natural distinctions of the two sexes gone? Many women's hair hair is cut shorter than my husband wears his. Cropped hair on women is very appalling, repulsive to see and even perhaps down right gross!" (As a side note, I find her words oddly similar to mainstream reactions to terminal length uncut hair.) The jist is clear, you are not a woman if you don't have long hair.
Here's another tidbit. "No doubt we all have friends not in the church that have short hair. We don't try to pass judgement on anyone but only pray for them." It sounds comical but this is the kind of thinking you are up against. In this context no mention is made anywhere of men having long hair, it seems out of the realm of possibility when Jasinski and her faith equate hair with gender. With an attitude like this it is no wonder your mother feels compelled to change both your faith and hair. In a sad way this is her wanting the best for you. I am sorry I don't have any advice for you SOADdude, just some knowledge so you can have an understanding of what you are up against.
Growing up doesn't mean you wake up one day and drop all your long hair foolishness, it means you realize your parents are human and can make mistakes. Growing up means you let your child make his own hair length decisions. Growing up is also letting people worry about their own spiritual needs. Too bad your mother is not yet ready to understand this.
Elizabeth
My dear,
Although what you said never crossed the line of offensive notations, I'm still at a confusion by you buying a book for Pentecostal women by a Pentecostal woman and then criticizing it; unless you bought it with the sole purpose of mocking it. Myself being Pentecostal and making the personal choice not to cut my hair has the right to oppose your webpage. I don't understand why you would want to openly criticize one Pentecostal belief without fully reserching why it is we do what we do.
But that if a woman has long hair, it is her glory. For long hair is given to her as a covering.(1 Corinthians 11:15)
I support being outspoken with your views and feelings, because i'm that way. But I think it's crucial to know what your talking about.
God Bless,
*big pentecostal hair*
First of all, growing up has nothing to do with geting a haircut. Someday you might get tired of it and cut it. That has nothing to do with maturity, people change.
I´m an atheist and I strongly dislike when people force their beliefs on others. Your mother has right to think whatever she wants, but she crosses the line when she tries to "convert" you.
Make her understand these points and hopefully she´ll stop bothering you.
My only experience of pentecostals was having a pentecostal minister as a landlord at one time. He never commented about my hair, and never tried to convert me. FWIW, his own hair was over his collar, although nobody would have considered that to be long.
Strangely enough, this left me knowing nothing about their beliefs, and since I never (knowingly) met any female members of that church, I only learnt that about the female long hair thing many years later on the Internet.
My point, I suppose, is that if a pentecostal minister wasn't bothered by the length of my hair, I can't see why your mum should be bothered by yours, and if she is, are you sure that the pentecostal church even has an established doctrine concerning hair length on males (?), because from my own experience I have reason to doubt that they do.