new thread
Here's the thing. As some of you may know my boyfriend has long hair (waist length) and now a beard. He is gorgeous (imo) and he is very happy with himself.
His best friend is getting married this year and my bf is the best man. So the other night the bride to be actually asked him 'what are you doing with your hair'? Now I had already said to him he should wear it down and he's fine with this. But now he's thinking that she hates the beard and he's talking about not being the best man so as not to ruin the wedding photos. How bad is that?
As I see it, he's the best friend and has been chosen as best man so thats it. Accept him or not. But this female has now made him feel bad and he does not want to cause trouble between the couple especially as this wedding is costing a fortune. I cant tell you how pissed off I am with this woman but I will support him in any decision he makes.
Needless to say if he's not the best man I dont want this woman in my home ever again.
What would you do?
I would point balnk ask where her head is and when I got a honest answer I would go from there. If he has to cut his hair and shave just for her I would not go along with the participation in the ceremony. What else will she find that she doesn't like about her fiance's friend? And I bet she will be very controling about who her husband will be able to associate with after they are married. I fear then that if your BF did agree to cut his hair and shave he might not be able to be in his friends life anyway. Just my 2 cents.
What would I do? Let your anger toward the woman go. She is responding to that which has been engrained in her consciousness for years upon years. Draw the line but don't let her know you are drawing the line. I am sure your boyfriend is gorgeous just as he is. To me, a beard can only enhance a fellow's appearance. However, there is no use to ruin his friendship and alienate your boyfriend from you when he might begin to think that not "cooperating" was the cause of any damage to his friendship.
This is what I would do. In order that any tension between any of you is alleviated, have your boyfirend have an honest conversation with the groom and bride to be. Have him ask specifically any concerns she may have about him being the best man. He might also offer to style his hair in different ways, including loose, half tail, braided, bunned, ponytailed, french braid, etc. - pretty much anything not involving cutting or damaging. He actually retains control of what's important, his hair, but has ingratiated himself to the bride to be by letting her have a say in how he looks in the pictures and wedding.
Now for the beard. I may get slammed for saying this, as I am a beard-guy myself, but on some guys, a well-trimmed, defined beard can look more becoming than unrestrained growth. You did not mention what sort of beard your boyfriend had. A neat beard (or variation - goatee, van dyke, etc. )would probably have him looking very sharp and sytlish. This might involve a trip to a barber who specializes in beards a few days ahead of time. As you mention that he now has a beard, this implies a recent event, further implying a short beard. If this is the case, any modification to it will be shortly regrown in little time.
A wedding is a special event for sure, and I imagine that the bride to be is under pressure and might not have meant that your boyfriend's appearance was so detestable to her as you guys are thinking as she might have not been thinking through what she said when she said it. Then again, she might have meant it! At any rate, you yourself have the ability to make the situation a non-situation just by doing a few simple things and being straightforward. Your boyfriend will still have his hair, his friend, you and possibly a new friend in the bride. As harsh as she may seem, she may find herself fast friends with you guys very soon. Sometimes, when you give just a little, you get a lot more back.
Suppose the Best Man to be, had a physical defeat or was not an attractive person? Would the bride not want her husband's best friend to be there?
A wedding is supposed to be a milestone celebration for all family and friends of the Bride and Groom. Too much emphasis is being placed on photo-album appearances. I would want photos that show everyone having a great time. The bond of close friendship will show much more clearly than any physical features.
I know brides want everything perfect for the wedding but where
do you draw the line? Would she insist you cut your hair?
Shave your beard? Would she want someone to get plastic surgery?
How far do you let bride zilla go in telling you what to do
with your own body?
After all these years and lots of friends getting married
over the years i've gotten into the habbit of evaluating the
situation before even accepting invitation.
If there is even the slightest hint that I would have to cut
my hair for attending the wedding, much less being the
best man, i'd have to decline the invite. No wedding, no matter
who it is for, is worth my having to cut my hair. I didn't even do it for my own.
Take a good hard look at Bride Zilla and think do you really
want to be involved in the hassles related to the wedding?
Sometimes for me I don't want the hassles so I just plan on
being busy that day.
The bottom line for me: no matter who you are, when you
are getting married, or where i'm not cutting my hair. End
of conversation. Ultimately if it looks like it is heading that
way i'll plan on being busy that day.
Suppose the Best Man to be, had a physical defeat or was not an attractive person? Would the bride not want her husband's best friend to be there?
A wedding is supposed to be a milestone celebration for all family and friends of the Bride and Groom. Too much emphasis is being placed on photo-album appearances. I would want photos that show everyone having a great time. The bond of close friendship will show much more clearly than any physical features.
Sounds like the bride to be might be a bit of a control freak. I'd get more information before responding- find out exactly what her agenda is and whether her desire has implications on your bf's appearance months or years down the road.
In the worst case scenario, your boyfriend can respectfully decline the best man honor and still appreciate that he was considered. Potential responses should be carefully considered before they are delivered... what can one reasonably expect as an outcome? How you deal with a matter of considerable sensitivity can go a long way toward demonstrating your own content of character. The height of tact is the ability to tell someone to go *f* themselves and leave them happy as you go on your ways. Remember that you stand little or no chance of changing her mind about something relating to her big day.
Shave the beard, leave the hair...
Did she possibly mean "are you braiding it, putting it in a bun, or what?" In any event, the bride IMO has no say-so about who the best man is or what he looks like. Your boyfriend's backing out of the wedding would, I'm sure, be a major offense against the groom and that's just plain wrong.
No doubt your b/f has a beautiful mane from the way you describe him. But this is not his wedding and the bride's concerns need to be respected--at least on this special day.
You did not say she asked him to cut it, so that's a positive. And it
would be a shame to not be in the wedding party once asked.
So how about a comprimise: he could wear his hair in a ponytail.
For some reason men almost always wear their hair in a ponytail at weddings. It looks neat, formal and it keeps hair away from the face and under control.
As for his beard: well, I don't think he should shave it off unless he wants to
but it should at least be neatly trimmed.
If your b/f is a good friend of the groom's then by all means he SHOULD
remain in the wedding party. He is a longhaired man and as such--whether or not
he is even conscious of this--he represents other longhaired men.
To retreat or to bow out will not help the cause of other men with long hair.
Just as long as he looks neat, the bride should not be too concerned
with the fact that he has long hair. Surely she doesn't expect him to cut it
for just one day. This would be unreasonable for her--and a mistake
for him.
Good Luck!
If your BF has really gorgeous hair, the bride might be concerned that it will distract people's attention from her if it's down and flowing. Some women get very caught up in the "It's MY special day" thing and get very self centered. If it's a big showy wedding, this might be the case. lol
I've been in several weddings and have always been asked to put my hair up...I even had one bride's mother ask me to tone down my make-up once. "Nobody should out shine the bride", were her exact words. What a troll that woman was! lol
Anyway, should your BF cut his hair to make the bride happy? Hell NO!
Should he still be the best man, even if he thinks the bride wished he wasn't? Hell YES. He'd be there because his best friend wanted him to be and that's all that really matters.
That's a very good point. I think it would be quite common for the bride to ask the women in the wedding party what they were doing with their hair. They wouldn't normally ask the men, for several reasons, not least of which is that most men don't have enough hair to do anything with it!
I think it's not altogether unknown for the bride to expect all the bridesmaids to wear their hair up in exactly the same way as eachother, although possibly a little anal retentive to do so. You could look at this an extension of that approach to the best man.
I would guess that the groom, not the bride, asked your b/f to be the best man.
Have your b/f go to him and see what was included in the invite. Let him then deal with his future wife.
I had a part-time job once, which spanned a period of time of about 6 or maybe even 8-months (but peaking in the summer months). My friend Christina was a wedding photographer, and hired me in '89 to help her out with her business by attending all these weddings with her, as her assistant. She also just so happened to be one of my favorite dance partners; but that's another story (lol)...
Anyway, after observing countless wedding days that year, and seeing a whole range of different attitudes about how brides & grooms approach their "special day", I learned to appreciate those couples who put less emphasis on that single day, and more emphasis on being relaxed with themselves and making sure their guests all had a good time.
It's the marriage relationship that in the long run will matter. A single day of spending thousands of dollars to put on a big show ends in a heartbeat. People will remember that day fondly, *IF* they genuinely love, admire, and respect the couple, --- and how they treated their wedding guests, and whether or not everyone had fun that day.
The most memorable young bride I ever met was from that summer of assisting my friend. Her family, by most people's standards, was a total wreck: divorced parents who hated each other, with an alcoholic father who arrived already drunk and a chain-smoking mother who wore a black mini-dress to the wedding; the groom was incredibly late, but you could tell loved her deeply anyway; a flaming gay older brother and his b/f; a longhaired rocker-type younger brother who showed up in his jeans... And to top it off, EVERYTHING that could possibly go wrong, did: the caterers were late with the food; the band was late & disorganized; the father gave a drunken, slurry-worded toast; and the wedding party itself did not have cohesive-looking outfits. BUT... the bride was completely poised, --- relaxed, gorgeous, friendly, solicitous, smiling, looked in-love with her man, and even laughing & dancing! I'll never forget her, or her wedding day, --- and I didn't even know her before meeting her that day!
- Ken
No kidding. I went to one wedding that had all the potential for being an absolute disaster...the bride's dad had just dumped his wife for a new cookie, there were horses involved, there were small children involved, outside by a lake with a live string quartet. The entire wedding party had been on horseback in the morning...and the wedding came off in complete fairytale style, starting all of 15 minutes late.
But the ones that still make me tear up were the ones in City Hall, that February and March of 2004...none of the drama, all of the love.
One of my favourite pictures that has me in it is a wedding photo of me and my wife where my hair is blowing in the breeze (of course, her hair was long too, but she was wearing a veil!). That will always take pride of place in our house.
OTOH, this is not going to be your wedding, so some accomodation is reasonable, but if she really means literally what she says then she should (in theory) be happy to let him wear his hair down and spend a few seconds tying it back just for the photos. If she pulls faces at that suggestion, then maybe he could offer to tie it back for the whole event. That's as far as I would go.
Gosh!! Thanks for all your replies and you are all sensible!! There are a few things you have said that i hadn't thought about.
My bf can't cut his hair or beard because he loves it, I love it and he now has a blossoming career is based on it so thats a huge no-no.
I take the point of the lady may want his hair tied back which is fine but the beard (which is amazing huge and has been growing for over a year) you just cannot hide. I think you are right about talking honestly with the bride (and groom) about expectations (especially where photos are concerned) and being gracious about standing down. He has already said he would (to me) so as not to cause any conflict (with bride-zilla LOL)
I still will never forgive this woman if she cannot see him as himself, as a good friend and a good man because she is blinded by a beard! But I will be nice and behave myself because the groom is a good mate to both of us and its his day too (and he has to live with her)
bloody people! LOL
Yes, tying back your mane to look "presentable" to people who don't like hairiness is pretty pointless if you have a big beard. You can put a pony tie on a beard or braid it, but this is a bit off the wall for most occasions; it is mainly seen on bikers who don't want an accident due to getting blinded by flailing beard hair.
Bill