new thread
I have a story to share with you all, it's not on topic and it's pretty serious as well.
For the last few years, I have been plotting to move in with my friend. He is my best friend in the world, and the greatest person I've ever met, and could possibly be called a saint for what he's done for me. My dad, who has been making me miserable for years, is very controlling and won't let me shave or check the mail without his consent.
He has been complaining for some time that I'm good for nothing, and that he would rather I move out. I finally mustered up the courage alongside my friend to tell him the truth, that I intend to live with him. My dad completely snapped. I knew he was evil, but I can see just how justified my fears of him were now. I think he may be the most wicked man I've ever seen, and that my mother was right.
He called my friend a bastard, yelled at us at the top of his lungs, and was angry at my friend for "brainwashing me into wanting to leave". He threatened to have my friend shot, and also was just about ready to hit me, but my friend stopped him. He believes my friend's family is bad and that he is good. He says that "I know I'm incompetent" and that I can't think for myself.
He intends to take this to court, use the fact that my friend's dad is in jail and his mom is on a business trip, leaving him to take care of his siblings, intends to have me examined to see if the court finds me incompetent, and intends to use "brainwashed" and "suicidal" to describe me.
My friend is no longer welcome to see me, and I have enlisted help from everybody I know. My dad is laughing at me that I won't see my friend again, and that he never loses a court case, and that nobody fucks with him. He says he wants to "protect me from myself", and is trying to brainwash me into succumbing to his will and believing he is not the fiend he is.
If you are over 18, you need to GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE!
If this situation is truly as bad as you describe, then what benefits befall you from remaining in it? It's very unsettling to be over-controlled by someone else on all sides, and I can't imagine other than financial reasons why you would want to remain there. I think you have said that you were in college in Arizona if I remember correctly. You know that you can get all sorts of grants and scholarships and work-study programs that can have you living on your own. Were I you, I would definately look into some of those things, preferrably at a school at least a day's drive from where ever your family lives.
Your dad has to go to sleep sometimes. After you have CAREFULLY worked out a plan that won't have you in more danger, pack your stuff up and go! The trouble is that you are NOT incompetent and CAN think for yourself, and this is what scares the guy. He knows he can't really control you or anyone else for that matter, and this is the source of anger for someone with a conttrolling personality fueled by insecurity and who knows what else.
Best of luck. BTW, sounds like your mother wised up earlier.
See you later, Bragi
It sounds like you are in a very unfortunate situation. Your father is not evil, but he probably has a lot of things that he is unhappy about in his own life and he is blaming you for his problems.
I think your friend's supposed incompetence is a relatively unimportant part of the picture. It is more important that you simply get out of there and into a living environment where you are not constantly threatened with emotional abuse and are free to be yourself.
It may be difficult, but it is time to move on with your life, why wait another day?
My dad was talking about me being incompetent, not my friend. My dad wants me mentally evaluated, and put in a mental institution if possible. I want to get out of here, but I am worried I may make a bad situation worse.
Also, my dad is very evil. He delights in ruining people, and I think that is a trait only evil people have. He is also very hateful toward others who think differently from him, and is extremely close-minded. I know from the divorce that he would take this to court, and that he would spend every cent he has if it means having his way. He also has many connections and knows a lot of people, which is why I have been enlisting much help.
If a search group finds me wandering the streets or at my friends house, things could probably turn dire. My mom is in another city and can't pick me up right now.
Hello
when you said "My friend is no longer welcome to see me" does it mean that he isn't hapy anymore to see you or that your father doesn't let him come to see you ?
Good luck, i hope you will find a solution asap
It means my dad won't let him come in contact with me or he will call the cops. He very much wishes to help me.
It' s great that you have such a supportive friend, oops sorry, Friend. I want to send greetings to him...
Stay well, best wishes
Adalbert
I have to fully agree with Bragi. It's time to leave. Should your Dad take this to court as he says, you can then profess your total fear of him and his controlling ways, and describe how he has threatened you constantly. You might want to see if your Mom will testify in your behalf.
If you are over 18 there is nothing he can do. You are legally responsible for your own decisions.
The kicker here is that when you do move in with your friend, you have to be responsible enough to make a go of it; both to take care of yourself, and to show your Dad that his rantings are groundless. Actions speak much louder than words.
I wish you the best for the near future.
George
However, my dad intents to tell people that I have the mind of a 14-year old and that I'm mentally incapable of thinking for myself. I'm trying to bide my time until Thursday, when I can go to college and have an opportunity to meet my friend and go to my mom's house.
What your Dad intends to tell people is immaterial. You are 20; decide what YOU want to do, and do it. He has no legal status to keep you there. All you have to do is prove him wrong by your actions. Get out and find a way to be successful. Then let him choke on those words.
Take control of your own situation.
Grant,
I agree with everyone who posted a reply here. In addition, you need legal advice to get you through this. If you go to www.azflse.org and click on legal services, they have listings of free legal services in Arizona. If your father goes to court you're going to need all the help you can get.
Good luck,
Bruce
It is a very common tactic of abusers to try to isolate their victims from getting support. Your father's running off your friend is likely to be part of such a strategy. My mother practiced it when she was abusing me. She would "forbid" me to see anyone supportive, or she would act weird enough to them that they just didn't want to deal with the family as a whole.
It is very difficult to have someone proved incompetent. You have a decent IQ or you would not be in college. Unless you're a danger to yourself or others, you can't be committed, and no one can be appointed as guardian of your person. You are an adult and you are entitled to be guardian of yourself.
As to your finances, unless you're grossly incompetent to handle them, you have a right to handle them yourself. If you don't have much money, any attempts for him to gain control of your finances would be mostly pointless anyway.
If you truly feel the political system is slanted unfairly in your father's direction in Arizona, then there is a very simple solution. Get out! There are 49 other states where his influence will be zip. Once you are a resident of another state, Arizona will have no jurisdiction.
Don't let him ruin a lifetime under any fears of disownment. You only have one life to live, and the cuss may live to a ripe old age, ruining your life for a very long time. No amount of money is worth being abused - you will never reach your full potential as an adult until you get out from under it.
Good luck in standing up for yourself. And welcome to adulthood.
Bill
This is EXCELLENT advise, Bill! Having left my dad's house at age 18 for the very same reasoning, I know i speak from experience when I say that this is indeed the only solution to a sane, safe, and successful adult life!
My best to you Grant. You'll find your way out, --- it's only a matter of time...
"And the day came when the risk to remain closed in a bud, became more painful than the risk it took to blossom."
--- quote by Lassie Benton
I have to agree with the others, you need to move out, fast. It probably feels like a huge and scary step, but I think that´s the only way for you to recover from this. From what I´ve seen, you seem to be a great guy so don´t waste any more time taking crap from your father.
If you need to talk, my msn is brorebest@hotmail.com. I have problems with my internet atm but it´ll probably be ok soon. :)
I'll have to agree with the others and say taht you gotta get out of there man.
Seriously though, you're over the legal age, I'm guessing, so you can move out without needing his permission. IF he does take it to court, you can use that against him.
Stay strong and best of luck, we're here to talk if you need it
-Mihnea
Hey man,
I have nothing to add to the comments that were already posted, but I just wanted you to know that I think the advice that has been given is right and that you should get out of there.
Strength to you, brother!
Hey man,
If you need to get anything off of your chest, aim is pythonmonty4. Just want yo to know that no one should go through what you are, must less keep it inside. We all need to vent, so feel free.
peace
clayton
to another state along with your friend. Your very survival may depend on it. California, Oregon, or Washington would be good choices. All 3 of these states are longhair and gay friendly, with the San Francsico bay area being the most longhair and gay friendly of all.
Putting a substantial distance between you and your control freak father should keep you safe.
Sacramento CA is 635 miles from Phoenix and has hot dry summers although not quite as hot as Phoenix. Highs of 100 deg F are fairly common in the summer.
San Francisco is 655 miles from Phoenix and is quite chilly and foggy.
Portland OR is 1005 miles from Phoenix and gets a lot of rain. June, July, August, and September don't get much rain, but in the winter it is common to have rain every day for weeks at a time.
Seattle WA is 1110 miles from Phoenix and has similar weather to Portland.
These are all straight line distances and not road distances.
I wish you the best wherever you decide to finally settle.
Absalom
Texas is okay, but stay away from Waco or other small Bible Belt type places because they are conservative and probably not too gay friendly. Austin, TX is the place to go for that kind of thing. I don't know about Houston but I did not like Houston that much because its a borrring city. Unless you enjoy 30-60 minute drive just for shopping... San Franscisco seems like a dream place but from what I heard they are expensive. If I ever get back to the USA (God willing) I would probably not live in SF because its expensive and I don't want to be too close to my parents... If you want same sex marriage right go to Canada, they are cool with that.
Golly, did he say he's gay, or that that is his problem? I thought he was trying to get out of a "marriage", not into one. [grin]
Any place across the Arizona state line would be good, but I'd suggest California. It's a quick and cheap trip on the Greyhound, and laws in California are friendly to the disabled. We're not saying Grant is disabled but his father is asserting that, and a legal system that favors empowering the disabled will be more apt to take Grant's side.
Issues of guardianship, custody, etc., are all governed by state law, and only by the law where the person resides. If Grant makes his residence California (gets a place and a California drivers' license), the only courts to have any jusisdiction over these matters at all will be those in California.
He may wish to remove all property of his to California if that property is money or stuff that matters to him. That will further deny the Arizona courts of any connection by which they can assert jurisdiction.
If California is not his cup of tea, most large "blue states" are going to be more favorable to his side than smaller and "red" states. One good thing about being in America is one has lots of states to pick from.
Bill
Maybe Tai thought that because he said he wanted to move in with his friend?
If your dad says he wants to shoot your friend then you can report him for terroristic threats. They take that stuff seriously in America now after 9/11. If you are over 18 you should get about 1000 dollars together (sell some belongings you can't take with you on ebay or something) and just get a one way ticket somewhere else. A flight from Houston to LA is about 300 round trip, one way is bound to be much cheaper. If you are 18 and over your father can't keep you anyways, and you cannot be declared incompentent unless you are a danger to society or something. They would have to have a doctor examine you first.
Grant,
I don't know about you, but I know there is only so much negative crap I can take from someone. The threat of violence alone on his part is completely unacceptable. My advice to you is to get out while you can...especially before YOU do something stupid.
Best of luck to you...we're all pulling for you here.
Brett
Call the police. Tell them what has been said and what has been done. If you are threatened or feel threatened, the police will protect you. And unless he has you physically barred in the house, you'll be able to get away to be under protection, especially if you father will be investigated.
If you have to, call an anonymous tip line. For all that you Dad knows, it could have been neighbors or friends or strangers.
Anyone else have something to add?
I know getting out of a situation like that is no easy task and you've been planning it for two years but I'll agree with everybody and say you have to do it. I don't know your job or money situation but your friend is ready to help so go for it. As for leaving the state unless you have a good friend or family or maybe hot job prospect somewhere that may not sound appealing.
I wish you the best and keep us posted.
Kevin