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I thought I had convinced him a few months ago, but this dialogue happened in the morning
Him: You need to get a haircut, you're hair is really messy.
Me: I told you before, If I get it cut now it will just take longer till it looks OK.
Him: Why do you want it long, are you a woman ? GET A HAIRCUT.
I was staring him in the eye and didn't answer.
Him: DID YOU HEAR THAT ?
Me: ..
Him: DID YOU HEAR THAT ?
I was just staring at him and not responding, so he reached for the closest ob ject to hit me with. A mop.
He grabbed it in one hand and repeated the sentence again.
Under the threat I said yeah. I heard it.
Now it's night time, he told me to go out and get that haircut. I came to an internet cafe.
I don't know what to do :(.
Peace
Leito
Well, how old are you anyway, i wouldn't have gotten a haircut if i was in your place and if it would've been my dad, just stand your ground and make it clear for him that you're not getting it cut!
That's about all the advice i can give you.
Simon
And also if he's threatening to hit you with the mop that's a crime and he can get arrested for doing that.
Thanks for the support guys, I guess this is why I posted this message. As I can't think of any solution to this problem except leaving home. Because he will cut it in my sleep if I just tell him I won't get it cut.
This is Egypt, beating your sons is not considered a crime by the police.
The only problem is I have nowhere to go. I've been growing for 6 months, and if I don't stick up for my rights now I'll lose about 4 months of growth and he won't let me grow it later on.
I will go home and tell him I didn't find the barber, but tomorrow I'll leave.
Peace
Leito
are you in cairo ? if you are i can help you i have familly there.
Wow, I certainly didn't expect that. But no, I live in mansoura. Which is about 2 hours away from cairo. And my exams start next saturday.
So I can't leave mansoura.
Thanks for the offer, that really amazed me.
Peace
Leito
My uncle is religious in Cairo, i think he wouldn't help you munch than giving you somewhere to sleep and eat for 1 day or 2 for free but it's better than sleeping in a cyber :/
Dont you have friend that can let you sleep in his house for a day or two ?
hope you will find a solution.
Cya
I know very little about the culture in Egypt in spite of dating a girl from there for a short period about 20 years ago.
Ideally if you could find someone who your father admires who co-incidentally has long hair, that might help a lot.
AndrewB
Didnt Muhammad had long hair? or is it reserved for the "religious elite"?
It's for everybody, this has nothing to do with religion. It has to do with dominance.
Peace
Leito
Leito, Leito, Leito,
Read my previous posting (to Bragi who'd posted to you!); that's precisely what I had recommended. I totally support you in your decision. We here at the hyperboard completely support you, too, Leito. Please keep us apprised of your whereabouts, et cetera, et cetera. It's a mad world out there.
Yours in longhaired camaraderie,
Quenyan
Are you serious? That's insane. That has to be the most ridiculous lack of a law I've ever heard. Beating your son should be illegal everywhere. You don't need much of a brain to realize that beating your OWN SON is an extremely cruel, immoral, and horrible thing to do. But obviously your dad lacks brain entirely.
Also, his gender stereotyping pisses me off. There's nothing feminine about long hair.
What I would do (and did when I was your age) was go to the barber and instruct him to cut only the tiniest amount of hair off, so that no-one could tell I had a haircut. This went on for years, and while it meant that my hair grew much slower than it should have done, and sometimes got shorter instead of longer, I fought a war of attrition with my parents this way for many years.
I will be 50 in November, and they still don't like my hair! I have a wife and two children of my own, a degree, a job and a mortgage, but still they complain about my hair.
Always the barbers cut more than you ask, though. Ask for a 1/4 in trim (or about 5mm) and they will cut off 2 in (50mm)! Ask for the amount that you really want and you will truly be shorn, as they will always cut off more. This sets back progress, but I think it's better than cutting it all off or leaving home. Listen to the voice of experience. OK, I sound like a parent, but I am one.
When my son was small we let his hair grow long, although my wife insisted he have frequent trims. When he was 8 he decided to have short spiky hair, and after making him wait (to make sure he wouldn't change his mind) my wife took him to the salon and got the cut he wanted. Then, I think when he was 12, he decided to grow it again. He is almost 14 and approaching shoulder length, despite my wife making him get trims.
That is exactly what I intended to do, but just a one time thing. The barber I go to used to buzz my hair every week or so, then one day I told him I was going to grow it. He said, yea me too. So I think he will undestand.
Peace
Leito
Leito
Just tell your dad its the 21st century now and the old fashion hera as finished as the old fashion times have well and truly pasted........Also tell him its your hair not his and you shall have the final say on how you want to have your hair.
You have to stand up to what you want to do and dont let him bully you into something you dont want to do when he says are your going to get a haircut just tell him its time for a change of appearance as its the 21st century alot of other guys are growing there hair long and I want to see what i look like with long haired myself so I dont require a haircut at this moment in time, its my hair so I can wear it as I see fit to having it !
I hope this helps you some
Axel
Hi Leito
I'm sorry your Dad is being real hard on you about your hair. That's not cool that your dad tried to hit you with a mop,
You have to let him know and say to him,I respect you,i'm a good man,just because i have long hair does not make me want to be a woman,i'm a man not a woman,other men have long hair and they are not women,the long hair is me,i respect you dad so i would like you to respect me,if you can't respect me,i'm going to have to move out of this house.
Do you have other relatives that you could live with or friends?
if you do and he still does not respect you,i would move out of his house.let him know that you respect him and you would like his respect too,Margie
Tell him NO!! Your growing it out. Just keep pushing him,If he threatens to ''kick you out'' and you can tell hes very serious..I guess cut it,But be sure to Push the Limit!!!
I was living at my grandmas home one year ago and she threw me out because I havent cut my hair.
Just stay hard. How old are you?
Yeah..''old'' people aren't very supportive of long hair,neither are ''christians''
Since you're in Egypt, is your dad Muslim? Or you? I'm taking a guess since Egypt is 80% Sunni.
Here is some information. I'm sure there is more in the Koran which I'm totally unfamiliar with.
The following is an excerpt from the book entitled The Message of Mohammad, by Athar Husain. Among other things, it talks about some of the personal characteristics of the prophet Mohammed (Peace Be Upon Him), the final messenger of Allah (God).
Muhammad (PBUH) was of a height a little above the average. He was of sturdy build with long muscular limbs and tapering fingers. The hair of his head was long and thick with some waves in them. His forehead was large and prominent, his eyelashes were long and thick, his nose was sloping, his mouth was somewhat large and his teeth were well set. His cheeks were spare and he had a pleasant smile. His eyes were large and black with a touch of brown. His beard was thick and at the time of his death, he had seventeen gray hairs in it. He had a thin line of fine hair over his neck and chest. He was fair of complexion and altogether was so handsome that Abu Bakr composed this couplet on him:
"as there is no darkness in the moonlit night so is Mustafa, the well-wisher, bright."
His gait was firm and he walked so fast that others found it difficult to keep pace with him. His face was genial but at times, when he was deep in thought, there there were long periods of silence, yet he always kept himself busy with something. He did not speak unnecessarily and what he said was always to the point and without any padding. At times he would make his meaning clear by slowly repeating what he had said. His laugh was mostly a smile. He kept his feelings under firm control - when annoyed, he would turn aside or keep silent, when pleased he would lower his eyes (Shamail Tirmizi).
Also, from the “Sunni Path,” a web site:
Long Hair for Men
Answered by Shaykh Amjad Rasheed
Is it permissible for a man to grow out his hair as long as he likes or is there a legal limit?
There is no legal limit for a man or woman to growing out their hair, but what is important, is that a man be cautious when he grow out his hair that he not intend to imitate women, nor the people of sin and shamelessness. If he intends this, it is haram.
Bragi, Bragi, Bragi!
Your knowldege (Gno-ledge!) of philanthropy is . . . is . . . well, it's quite prolific, encyclopaedic, and applicable to many a diverse and sundry situation. I'd've told our young friend in the Land of the Pharaohs to leave. Getting smacked by a mop (2x) by ones obstinate paternal unit is a method of even Biblical application ("Spare the rod and spoil the child", leaps to mind), but, I wouldn't put up with it. I would simply split for good if I was abused into sheering my hair. I wouldn't tolerate that.
Yours in intellectualism and longhaired camaraderie,
Quenyan
That's pathetic, just tell him straight it's what you want, if he doesn't like it, well.....it's up to you what you do then.
My sister's husband is from Libya and he has about waist length hair, his hair is naturally pretty curly but he has done rasta braids, i think he's had long hair for quite a long time actually, at least ever since he was 20 or something like that, even before he moved to Sweden, but in Libya it's rather unusual to see longhaired men, they're even forced to get it cut in the scholls but somehow he got away with it:)
But i also think that it depends much on the family, wether or not they have anything against long hair on men or not.
Simon
My question would be is how you relate to your dad on other issues besides hair. Is he a hard ass on every conflict you have, 'cause I imagine you argue about more stuff than just hair. If you have a good relationship with him and the only sore point is hair, I would wonder whether your hair is worth damaging your relationship with him. If you guys are at odds all the time, then it's a deeper issue than just hair and I would ask myself what can I do to fix this relationship. If you relationship with your dad is beyond salvaging though, what the hell keep your hair.
Hello Leito:
The fact that your own father threatened you with a potentially physically damaging ob ject...is inexcusable and could be considered criminal. If you are of age and able I would say move out. No one should have to live with another (especially a parent) who threatens you with physical violence.
The fact that this episode happened over your hair length only serves to add to the insanity of it all. Consider removing yourself from the situation as much as possible. Unless you are not stating other facts, your father sounds like an indecent imbecile. And don't get your hair cut!
I wish you well.
Max L.
It is very easy for everyone else to tell this young man to tell his father off, move out, etc., but when you are in this position, it is anything but easy. I had this problem (not to mention a zillion others) with my father back in the 1970's. I would have loved to tell him off and move out, but I was under 18 and unable to afford rent. He also threatened me - not only with violence, but with destroying my things. It was not an idle threat; he had done it before. Long story short, I kept my long hair and we argued about it constantly. I endured his cruelty, ridicule, and abuse until I was 18 and then I moved out of the house and into a small apartment. We ended up having a big brawl over something else, and neither of us spoke to each other for the last 9 years of his life. The bottom line is this, Leito: It isn't about your hair. He sounds like a miserable, unhappy man with bigger problems than your hair. If you did what he told you to do, he would find something else to criticize. It's just a terrible family dynamic, but I know about that; I dealt with it for years. If and when you are able to get your own place, DO IT!
Stormy
I couldn't agree with you more, Stormy, --- and I had a similar problem with my own father as well, which was never resolved until I decided to leave home at age 18. It cost me giving up a college education (I had only attended my freshman year away at a college in Illinois when my dad & step-mom started their divorce in '72); but I gained my sanity and peace of mind by leaving that house once and for all, when I did....
Leito, you may need to do more preparitory work for yourself than just impulsively leaving home, if you have nowhere to go right now. When I left home at age 18, I had *both* a job AND a place to live (for a few months, at least). Both were waiting for me an hour's distance away, --- and I had a plan ready, with my best friend willing to pick me up & drive me to my destination (I had been accepted at a summer camp, hired as one of their Councellors for the summer).
An abusive parent is NOT a reasonable person to deal with, --- and in addition to that, you live in a country that most of us here know NOTHING about. Egyptian customs, culture, laws, etc. are something you have to take into consideration before you make any rash decision. NONE of us here are truly capable of "advising" you correctly of what is best for you to do under your particular set of circumstances, --- only YOU can figure this problem out. If you are still a minor (whatever is considered legally "under-age" in your country), then you may not have a choice until you are old enough to legally leave your father's house. And even if you are considered legally an "adult" in Egypt, even then you still have to think all things through carefully, and consider the potential consequences if you have not thought everything through thoroughly enough.
"The right thing" at the wrong time is no longer a right thing. Maybe it's right to leave your father's house today (immediately!), --- or maybe it's better to plan your departure at another time, when more logical "safety nets" are in place for you.... Only you can decide. But, this one thing I will say for certain, as I speak from experience on the issue of living with an abusive & controlling father also: whether you leave today, or whether you leave a few weeks or months from now, you DEFINITELY need to leave that house, eventually. You will then find your freedom.
My best to you!
- Ken in San Francisco
I'd be hesitant to advise what to do where it is Egypt.
After hearing about what parents/husbands can do in
a country like Iran i'd be hesitant to advise anything in this
case.
Bear in mind this is outside of the United States and in
some of these foreign countries parents and husbands have
absolute rights to do what they want when they want.
My understanding is in some of these countries dad can
legally keep their kids locked up in the house, forcibly
do things like cut his hair.
Remember the main point here: this ain't the United States
he is in.
It isn't so long since women and children were considered to be chattels in the West, maybe 100 years or so, and that really isn't a long time. Strategies such as cutting only micro amounts off and continuing to argue, or just plain leaving, are not very dependent on culture or law.
Maybe where to go to live, or what the barber thinks about long hair, may vary, but when I was a teenager in England (seems like a century ago, but it's really only thirty years ago) the barbers weren't too keen on long hair. They probably still aren't - it's bad for business! He already said he can't live with his grandmother because she doesn't like long hair, and he hasn't come up with another alternative.
It seems to me that he isn't saying anything different than anyone in US or Europe might say. He's in Egypt, not on Mars!
One can buy his/her own flat just like here in the states. I know for sure in Bahrain, Turkey, Morocco, and Egypt that it's not completely unusual for non-married people to live in a flat, but it's frowned upon if they are opposite sex and not married (or not already related by blood). Egypt is actually one of the (much) lesser strict Muslim countries along with Lebanon, and other countries I previously mentioned though there are still problems with religious extremists (but there is probably no place in the world where religious extremists still exist!)
azn ya Leito, mumken teshtari apartment m3a e9de2ak. 7awl teshara7 l Papak 7alak. enta teshta3'el ba3d?
Noway dude, I'm still 17. That means college next year.
Peace
Leito
Well best of luck to you. Hopefully things will work out.
I have a dad very much like this...well, not about the hair. Hes randomly supporting about that. I mean the general anger/violence part. If you want your hair long, dont get it cut. Simple. You're going to have to stand up for yourself and what you beleive in someday, not only to your dad but others. There maybe unfortunate circumstances but thats life. Its your choice, but I advise you dont get it cut...
Your dad is messed up.
Maybe, maybe your father would listen to serious arguments - that it is necessary for you to make your own decisions, how could you be a real man if you wouldn't insist on your decision?
Never give up, no matter how terrible your situation is. Obviously being submissive is no longer a choice. If you can't protect yourself physically well enough to get some respect, its time to flee.
And there is another argument. Make sure your father understands that he once will get old and he could easily be not just old, but old and ALONE. And it could happen very soon.
Well, I live far from Egypt, so, my main advice is, try everything what has been told you and what is usable for your situation. Even my father had similar problems, but with his mother, who was a bit like your father but also a hypocrital Christian fanatic. Fortunately she died when he was 16. Now my dad became well known advisor at relationships, life crisis', principles of living, and telling people unpleasant things which they need to hear. I am a lot like him.
Basically as I see it you have to make a decision between two choices, neither of which is desirable.
Below you stated you cannot leave the area because of school. Therefore you either have to 1)stay and buck your father or 2)meet his demands and cut your hair.
If you choose to fight your father, what can be done to make the situation better? Can you talk with him one on one? Can you bring in another family member to mediate? Can you set your schedules up where there is minimal confrontation? Anything you can do to minimize the contact will be a positive step over this next month.
If you do cut your hair, can you just trim it somewhat? You say you have six months growth; if you cut it back less than half would it satisfy your father? Giving up a couple of months of growth will not be that big an obstacle to overcome in the long run.
Are there any other options? Any other solutions? Anyone else who could step in and relieve some of the pressure?
Unfortunately, this is probably not going to be the last time you have to make a decision involving the least of two evils. You have to look at your own situation and decide what would be best for you at this point in time.
Whatever you decide, I wish you the best.
George
I never knew a haircut would turn into something that could hurt my feelings so much.
My dad IS the kind of guy that will find anything to fight about, and if he doesn't, hell make something up. Just to yell his lungs off all day long.
Evading him isn't an option, he follows you everywhere. But he will be paying for my college tution, and if I leave now I won't be able to study.
I'll tell the barber to cut the least possible off. My hair grows slow :(. I swear to god this is the last time I'll cut my hair because of him.
Next time I'll hit him with a fying pan (I wish).
Thanks for the support everbody, it really means a lot.
Peace
Leito
I really feel sorry for you and your situation. But you need to get that college education. If you don't you will live a life of misery here in the united states. Take it from someone who knows.
bafa9'al bab2a 3andi ktiir sha3r 3ala fekra la2 sha3r. w law kounta mabtafham dah ab2a 3aref leh ma 3andak sha3r 7'elsa!!!!!
As for some real advice, ask him why he considers having long hair to be feminine? As long as you keep it neat anc clean there is no problem. There is no sense in cutting something that will just grow back as long as you can take care of it. It's better to have it while it lasts (just in case MPB runs in your family).
You could try wearing braids, or keeping a hat on your head while you wait for your hair to dry to keep it from sticking up, get creative lol
This is a bit of a wild guess, and perhaps extreme, but if you're religious you could probably join some sort of religious organisation and say that you're wearing long hair to honour Mohammed.
Maybe you can get some reason into an Imam (or whatever they're called) and get him to convince your dad you're doing it out of religious loyalty or something.
It's the only thing I can think of anyway, Good luck.
Hehe no. Something like that would never work in Islam. There is one time in our life in which we MIGHT be required to cut our hair (both men and women)--at the end of the religious pilgrimage of Hajj. Men often shave off all their hair as a symbol of rebirth, while women cut cut off an inch of their hair at most (for the same reasons I would suppose, I'm not totally sure as to why there is this difference).
Anyway as far as we (Muslims) growing our hair, most people only let their beard grow as a symbol of being pure (since scissors and razors change the edge of the hair). I won't get into all of that as I do not follow suit with them. But the point is if he, or I, decided to join a group like that it would be to let the beard grow most likely :P (as well as for personal reasons).
frizzy hair said : Hehe no. Something like that would never work in Islam
That's wrong Lito go tell your father the noble muslim king (Salah el Deen) had long hair and then he won't be able to say a word
and learn how to stand for your right or die this way
I am really sorry to hear about your situation.
As you know you will always have the support of all of us- people who understand and support you from all over the globe, here at the board.
Maybe in the future when you're a bit older, you can do exactly as you please, or you can really stand up to him now, whatever you think is best.
But regardless, good luck and all the best mate!!