new thread
message sent to my ACLU Youth Risk person
This ------ -------- again. I just want to say I think I did something really stupid today. it was so idiotic that I'm now banned from football at this school.
Coach Martin was giving me a lecture about cutting my hair or stop showing up (I have been going to the summer weight training program that's there three days a week). That was what really made me angry. Since the start of this battle with the school, I have developed high blood pressure and ulcer as well as depression. Telling me to cut my hair seems to trigger those systems.
Well I asked why such a rule existed he replied "Its my rule." I asked what if I were to use a hairnet. He thought for a second and then told me know. I told him I can see that if the hair was in a persons eyes that they wouldn't be able to see. He told me that if I could understand that then why couldn't I see the reasoning that the hair can't go past the shoulders. My response was that I could understand that but if I can tuck my hair under my helmet that there would not be an issue. He told me "That won't work." In there with Martin and myself was Coach Schmidt and some other coach. The other coach says that safety is one reason. He said that after I had made that painfully obvious that they could have said that at the beginning. He proceeded to make some horrible analogy that if he had some other type of motorcycle than he couldn't be in the Harley Davidson Club.
Around then is when I was losing it. I said "If you're not going to let me play because of my hair at least be man enough to tell me the real reason." I continued by saying "Greenwald told me the real reason already. He said that it is against school policy and that even if you wanted to you couldn't change that even if you wanted to." The conversation it with him saying " I have to have a hair policy, goodbye." And my self going "humph."
Well, I was waiting outside for my mother to pick me up. We had been let out 20minutes earlier than usual. Well, about ten minutes later he came out and seen me outside and told me to come over here (next to his truck.)
There he said " I think it was really rude of you to tell me to be man enough to tell you the reason of this rule. I was just reminding you of..." I was already furious with him my head was spinning my side was hurting and everything was red. I've noticed the past few times that I had been there that he seemed to be acting weird. Then I did the stupidest thing I have ever done. Well in my state I didn't think my next move through. I asked if his marriage counseling was going alright. I know really, really stupid. But as I said my head was really screwed up at the moment. He said " what does that have to do with anything." My response was "I've noticed you've been acting a bit different for a few days now. Not quit as aggressive." He generally yells at me when he begins those conversations, he didn't this time. He also hasn't been doing as much screaming in the weight room as he usually does.
At that time Martin was still lecturing me and Schmidt was yelling at me to come over to him. He was about five feet away. I let Martin finish yelling at me before walking away... Big mistake. Martin said "have you ever been married, Do you know what it is like to maintain a relationship." I hesitated and then told him no I don't. Around then is when I realized what I had just done. Schmidt was still telling me to come over to him even though Martin was the one who called me over to him first. Martin then said "Don't show up tomorrow and don't come back again." I asked can I say something and he said "no" and rolled up the window. Then I went over to Schmidt who said "that was very rude" and when I asked if I could say something he told me "no" and drove away. Then while still ticked off I walked over to the wall and added a few more dents to the brick wall and my fist.
I plan on showing up tomorrow and saying I was out of line and asking him to forgive me. I'm still contemplating telling him about my mental disorder. I am really not feeling good right now. My side hurts my heart is pounding and head feels like somebody is smashing an axe into it.. repeatedly. I know I really screwed up but now I don't know what to do.When things go red I lose control and say whatever pops into my head. I had just taken a shot at him being in counseling. I know even with my medication I'm going to be severley depressed and feeling awful for the next couple of days.
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I already wasn't allowed to play but i was able to practice which they now wont let me do. Also, on a side note, Martin always begins talk with me with "Im not going to argue with you" which seems really rude to me. Also when I had told the coaches students were harrassing me, they said to shrug it off "boys will be boys." I'm thinking if nothing else I will use that as my defense.
Please reply with your opinions on what I should do.
The --- is my name. I don't want to reveal that online. And I forgot to say that everytime he says he won't argue with me, he argues with me.
If he really says, "I don't want to argue with you," then you can say, "Good! Then shut up!"
Bill
intersting point, but he has already hit a kid at school before and was only giving a week off with pay for doing so. And I've already ticked off the new principal, former athletic director, so he'd probably be giving a few weeks off for hitting me.
You've gotta decide what your strategy is. If you want to go the court route, then you've gotta listen to the ACLU's lawyers or whoever is taking your case. The court route is generally useless for students who want results not money, though, because it takes them several years to settle an issue, and by then you'll have graduated, but you may make history that way. The court route is probably going to involve your being very polite, stepping aside like a good little boy, and not playing ball.
If you forgo the court route, then you're on your own, and that seems to be the route you are taking with your standing up to them. You have to plan your strategy yourself. If they are apt to assault you, don't let yourself get caught alone with them. They are using strategy to gang up on you, so you use strategy to gang up on them. Get a friend to hang with you, and if he goes out the door, you go out with him. If they try to call you in someplace, your response is, "Not alone I won't."
You can stand your ground and refuse to discuss it. Legally, they cannot physically touch you, but at some point it can escalate to where they may call the cops. In that case the cops won't be likely to use much legal brainwork on the situation, and they'll take the easy way out, siding with them, and you'll have to leave if you don't want to get arrested. Cops almost always side with the property owner initially in disputes, whether in the end it turns out he is right or not.
If you then come back, at some point THEY will get tired of calling the cops and they will have to take it to court to get an injunction against you, so it may end up in court in any event.
There is another option - the political one. This is stuff like raising such a stink in various places that they lose interest in fighting you. Getting people to complain on your behalf, staging demonstrations, you get the drift.
In any event, it appears that arguing with them is now pointless. If they really don't want to argue about it anymore and you don't either, you are at an impasse at the verbal level, and the next level is how far each of you is willing to carry it physically. When the talking stops, and you are going to put a stop to it if they don't, will they tolerate your being there or will they call the cops? And will they continue calling them as long as you are persistent?
If you don't back down and they don't either, it WILL eventually end up in court. That is how disputes at an impasse are settled.
Bill
One more point, in case the police should show up....
There are two kinds of court actions, "civil" and "criminal". Criminal covers things like disturbing the peace, trespassing, and assault and battery. You do not want to end up on the short end of a criminal action. If you do, you will be fighting in court with the state's attorney, not with the school. To avoid that pitfall, do not do anything violent or disruptive of the peace, and if the police should arrive, point out that it is a "civil dispute" and that you have no intent of breaching the peace, but that you are just standing up for your rights.
A civil action would start if either you sue them over the issue or they sue you to get an injuction to get you to quit showing up. In a civil action, you would be facing off against the school.
In either action, the other party is a governmental agency, and they will show up in court with what for them is a free attorney. You may be able to joust successfully in the gym with a coach, but you will fail miserably at that in court without an attorney. If you land in court, you MUST get an attorney to go with you and represent you, or you will most assuredly lose.
Let me say one other thing. There are three options here: (1) to fight them in court, (2) to fight them yourself, or (3) to walk away. Most old hippie guys would do like Ken (Urban Cowboy) suggests and just walk away. We've learned that life is too short to get riled up over people who don't want to be around you; there are far too many other places you can grace with your talents where you are wanted. But you are young and full of vinegar and ready to fight for your rights. You will get a lot of respect for doing that, but it would be a disservice to you to not mention the option that a lot of guys with more years on this planet would opt for instead. I've just been giving you tips on the course you've said you want to take, to fight them yourself.
If you are underage, you really can't fight them in court unless they start it, because you have to be an adult to start a court action. It looks like you don't have any adult support - you have mentioned "telling" people about it, but I don't see any mention of support coming your way on account of that. So you may really only have two options unless THEY opt for court and invoke the third.
I also sense that you don't have much support from other students either, and that will make it doubly hard to go it on your own. You really do need SOME support that is strong enough to keep the school employees from ganging up on you. High school kids talk tough, but most of them are real wusses when the chips are down, not tough like you are. I went through a couple of incidents when I was young similar to what you are now experiencing, and all the gung-ho support ran when the chips were down like scared rabbits.
Longhaired men are men who think for themselves, of course, and this is what really scares the school employees. Pro football and baseball players have long hair, so the crap about your hair is nothing but a smokescreen. The real issue is that they are terrified of longhaired men, because longhaired men might just stand up for themselves and not kowtow to them. Like YOU DID!
Bill
Oh and by the way, in a criminal court the state will provide an attorney, although a crap attorney who probably barely passed law school, in a civil court the state does not provide an attorney. However you don't want a criminal suit on you because it looks very bad on you...
In most states if you are a minor, you cannot be sued in civil court without an attorney representing you, and if you do not have the money for an attorney, the court will probably appoint a local attorney as a volunteer to represent you. This is commonly called a "guardian ad litem".
This is all assuming your parents continue to not support you, of course, even if you end up in court, leaving you to fend for yourself.
Bill
Sorry if I gave the wrong impression, but my mother does support me. She hadn't at first but after awhile she started to. We don't have the money for an attorney though. thats why we haven't taken this to court a LONG time ago.
lupi,
Is your principal cool to talk with? Or perhaps one of your teachers? Your parents? I'd try to get another school official's opinion on what you should do and what course of action to take. If there's no alternative to their rule, then that's that...but it doesn't make it right. Hang in as best as you can...try your best to take the upper hand and be polite. It's obvious that he doesn't respond well to abrasive comments...most people don't. Some would probably tell you that you have to suck it up...that it's part of life. In this case I strongly believe he is wrong and certainly there's someone at your school that can see that as well. The main thing is to try not to get upset and hurt yourself over it...it's simply isn't worth it. You're obviously a good person caught in a difficult situation, so make the best of it. I always tell people to be true to yourself and do what makes you happy. Sometimes, though, there are obsticles that block that...so you have to make the best of it. But be of good cheer...there are far worse things than not making the football team...or having to make a sacrifice to play by someone else's rules. And although I think you are in the right, there may be no way you can change it. I wish you the best of luck and hope things work out. The main thing is to not get too worked up about it...life's too short to be that upset.
Take care,
Brett
The principal is definitly not a good person to talk to. This previous year he was the athletic directer and spend a large amount of time in his office. I even got Congress to complain to them about their treatment of students. That is what really p---ed them off. Very few teachers actually like me, but I can't get in touch with them during summer anyway. Well at least not that I know of.
I've already screwed up that polite bit. I mentioned something extremely personal about him. I am however planning on apologizing to him tomorrow and asking to be allowed to practice for now anyway. Ya, everyone says either cut your hair or don't complain. Well, almost everyone. I have various students on my side.
I know it is not worth my health over this but I've always been a serious and emotional person who can't back down when I know something is wrong.
I'm not so sure about that. at our school, there is supposedly a no cutting policy on the football team so if your kicked off I think that would probably be very embarrassing... we'll see. And I'd wreck myself before giving that prejudistic jacka-- the satisfaction of knowing he won. In the end I'm every bit as stubbrn as him.
I probably will not be able to play. I was banned for being rude. But I do plan on changing their policy. The ACLU and the GPAC are both backing me on this issue. I was just pushed to far and made a huge mistake. They NEVER mention anything about this when there is any other student around however and being a single 14 year old in a room with 3 or more 40+ men it can be a little intimidating.
I know life is too short but I just can't help it I'm very emotional.
thanks for the support.
Lupi, Lupi, Lupi. Tsk. I say sue Schmidt. Sue Martin. Fat bastards. This is the kind of macho, militaristic, condescending behavious typical of coaches. You'd've thought he was trained at West Point Academy.
It completely took me back to my terrifying experience in junior high. Not participating in sports during gymn, I never worked up a sweat. Hence, I foerwent the need to shower.
There came a day when my coach, DiMateo, cornered me in the locker room. He was hollerin' and yellin' about havin' watched me all year and never seen me do diddly squat in gymn and never havin' had taken a shower and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Worse yet, brutish classmates in the same grade as me, we're talkin' fellow thirteen and fourteen year old, came up to me after he turned around and left in a huff, seein' I was still gettin' dressed for class, and shook their semi-tumescent male members at me, taunting me with homosexual epithets, in short, implying I was gay.
My head spun in fear. My scalp crawled with the sensation of hundreds of ants milling around. I hurriedly squeezed passed them, still being called "faggot", "nancy boy", "sisssy", et cetera, et cetera.
I subsequently got a written medical excuse from my then sympathetic general practitioner. I never had to appear in gymn class again.
Lupi, I'm sorry to note, the stupidest thing you ever could've done was call into question Schmidt's masculinity with that quip about his shaky marriage. His lackey, Martin, is just gonna support HIM, not a student with longer hair.
Sue, sue, sue, Lupi. Just sue. They have made it an "us against them" matter, or, more properly, a "us against him" matter. They made it personal. You can go on to the professional teams if they didn't medde with your standing on the team. Sue.
Yours for complete longhaired camaraderie,
Quenyan (+:-)}
I'm sorry, I guess I worded it wrong. I made the comment to Martin. Schimdt is Martins lackey.
No. No you didn't. I misinterpreted what you had written. My mistake. But Lupi, man, Ken is right. THIS IS ONE PSYCHOPATHOLOGICAL SITUATION! GET OUT NOW WHILE YOU STILL HAVE YOUR HEALTH! ( . . . oh, and I meant, " . . . if they didn't meddle with your standing on the team", not THAT typo, yeesh!)
Nothing is worth this sadistic, brutal, fascistic treatment.
It reminds me of the sick situation that I had had to endure, but worse, because it's ongoing. Sue the bastards, Lupi. This is "harsh and unusual maltreatment w/ intent to do harm" . . .
Gotta go now. That electrical storm that they forecast is inching ever closer. My computer doesn't have a surge guard. It could crash. Best of luck in this horrible case, Lupi.
Yours for longhaired camaraderie,
Quenyan
Why play football? It encourages most players to get way overweight (the stupid small U.S. football field doesn't give small, fast players any space to elude the 'refrigerators'), and the injuries and the overweight will lead to arthritis and other diseases in later life.
Play lacrosse or soccer. Long hair is popular in soccer.
Well, I'm a large individual myself. And in any case NO sport in my school will allow a male with long hair to play.
Take it from a recovering hot head, stay cool! No battles are won by being hot and irrational. The one with a cool, calm, collected and determined mind set will prevail. If he loses his cool and strikes out then step back, but stay calm. He will then be in the wrong.
Good luck,
Bruce
Scooper's advice is really good.
I, too, was a Type A personality for most of my life. Staying calm, cool, and collected is much better and easier on your heart and soul as well as everyone else's.
My grandmother once told me something that I didn't understand for a long time:
"Never wrestle with a pig because 1) it gets you dirty and 2) the pig enjoys it."
I usually stay pretty calm and it takes ALOT to tick me off, but there is something about Martin that pi--es me off at the very sight of him. That is the same with Greenwald (principal).
Wrestling with a pig... You know Martin?!
I usually stay pretty calm and it takes ALOT to tick me off, but there is something about Martin that pi--es me off at the very sight of him. That is the same with Greenwald (principal).
Wrestling with a pig... You know Martin?!
Hmm. I don't know. The basic problem seems to be that you're losing it when you get angry. To be honest what I do is to channel that anger away and store it for later (such as when I go weight lifting) and just keep my head cool. Then you can reason much better and come up with clever arguments.
It seems like the coaches really don't care about you and don't like you, so you can't reason with them anyway. How good are you? I mean at football. Because if you're good then they will want to keep you no matter what. If you're not good, then your main goal is to get much better asap. So start training, and make sure that you have more weight in your argument. With the threat of losing a good player, they may back off your hair. And the other kids will respect you more, though the easiest way is to punch THEM instead of the wall ;)
The coaches hate me... At football, I have no idea if I'm any good at all. I've never been allowed to try. At our school they make the males lift weights and the top ten in three different lifts have their names on a baord. Mine was at 10 for the bench press. And out of the football players themselves I took third in total of 4 lifts (freshman group only). I guess I'm saying I'm strong but I don't know about skill wise. My speed isn't great but its not the worst either. So really, I don't know if I'd be considered good or not. If a student pushes me to far, I would probably hit them. Most students back off when I raise my fist though. I punched the wall 'cuase I was mad at the Coaches. I would LOVE to hit them instead.
Is football REALLY worth all this torture? If I were in your shoes, I would look into either transferring to another school, or just dropping out of football altogether.
When you are surrounded by bigotted idiots, and they hold tremendous power over you, and the topic you are trying to bring up over and over and over again (the right to keep your long hair and play sports at that school, too).... Sometimes you just need to see a quick end to all of this. For heaven's sake, you are telling us you are getting SICK because of all this stress!!! Well then, either take Bill's suggestion to get legal help, or do something drastic to relieve that pressure on you (before you get yourself MORE sick): just quit the damn football team. It's just NOT worth it!!!!!!! The only other "choice" you have is to cooperate with those jerks and cut your hair, --- something that I know I wouldn't want to do, and it sounds like you feel the same way.
Yep, GET OUT of that health-destroying and morale-destroying atmosphere. Let them win the battle. You can sue them later if you wish, --- and even if you decide not to do that, you still will win the war against cutting your hair to please jerks.
- Ken in San Francisco
I have to say I agree with you - "stupid mistake"
I also agree with most of the comments already made.
And, the world isn't going to fall apart - we have all made equally stupid and some of us even more stupid mistake - oh way bigger!!
Since I am a lawyer tho non-practicing I might suggest the following:
If cutting your hair causes you depression and ulcers - can you talk with your therapistand/or Doctor to see if one or both would write a letter that states that in their judgement you have depression and/or an ulcer caused by stress and that cutting you hair would cause you significant and undue stress. Then you take the letter to the school (principal) and request an accomodation under the ADA (American with Disabilities Act) That accomodation being the removal of any requirement to cut your hair by any of the coaches and be permitted full access to all sports and sport camps.
I dont know whether you have a therapist, or whether s/he would write such a letter but it is a try but it would make the coach think twice about harrassing you more in the future since further harassment would be a violation of the ADA.
Think about it.
Charley
I dont have a therapist, my family cant afford one. I was diagnost by my general practicioner. I have to go to get my physical soon so I will try to get him to write a letter on my behalf.
Thanks, I would never have thought about that.
OK, getting personal was a mistake, but it's done, so forget it. Mentioning it again can't do any good, unless you apologise, and even that is debatable.
What is your objective in all this? Just to play on that team? If so, it's plain they won't let you. OTOH, if you have ambitions to play the game at a higher level, then you need to transfer out of that school ASAP.
If you want to stand your ground, then you need to show up for practice unless they either say you're cut from the team or that you're suspended. If they have a policy of not cutting players (I think you said that?) then you have to figure that by telling you not to show they are probably trying to build a case where they can say you didn't show up, so they can cut you from the team.
If they ask why you showed up for practice, just act dumb and say that you're still on the team and you're not suspended. Let them formally suspend you rather than fail to show up, because then they are forced to put something on the record, even if it's a lie. The last thing you want is for them to be able to say that you have been missing practice. Be very clear in your own mind that what they said was an invitation to miss practice and screw up your attendance record, not a suspension that would bar you from being there.
I apologized and for now there is peace between us even though we are both still pi--ed at each other.
I can't change schools I already looked into that. Besides, (now) I don't want to change schools. Even if I don't get to play, I don't weant anyone else to go through what I've been through. And the year I leave one of my (long haired) cusns will be enrolling.
I did say that there was a no cutting policy. He (Martin) said that himself. Funny thing is, every week of practice last season they kept threatening me with being kicked off. They had told me not to show up to the games last year and then when I didn't show up to one, they made me run sprints and said I should have been there. I never missed a game after that. So, I think you're right about them building a case against me. (even though we only have about 30 people showing up for these, REQUIRED, weight training sessions. which I think would mean that they shouldn't be able to kick me off for not showing up) They would though.....
Hey, I went to football weight training and was able to patch things up by apologizing. He had called my mother at work along with the principal (Greenwald) to tell her about what had happened. He told her most of the story. he did happen to forget to mention that no other students were around nor that there had been four of them talking to me (at first, then only one on one then two to one). I had already told her the whole story the night before so it wasn't any real shock. I had asked her to call a meeting with the school board if apologizing failed. well when she mentioned that I would apologize and that we had been planning to call a meeting, they said that it would be fine. I told him sorry I was out of line. He said I know you were. I thank you for admitting that.
So for now there is peace even though there is alot of tension between us.
Gimme the coach's phone number, I'll harass him!
Just kidding.
It's hard for me to say what I'd do, since I'm not really into sports. I guess I'd say if you have the money, try to sue them, but otherwise I'd just run from the situation, it's causing you stress and problems.