new thread
hi guys,
really nice site here, some friends of mine who also have long hair told me about it.
i dont have any problems with my long hair, its healthy at the moment and growing nicely. but peoples reactions are starting to get me down :(
lately ive been noticing a lot more negative comments from people, not just family members, but random people on the street. i used to take it in my stride and it was kind of like a novelty and actually made me happy, coz i knew my hair was growing nicely :)
but now theres been an increase in negatives. instead of hearing "get a haircut man" or "go back to the 80s" and other harmless things, im starting to get more aggressive and threatening comments like "man you look like a girl, you're gonna get bashed with hair like that" which was yelled at me the other night while i was walking through the city by complete strangers.
im certain part of the problem is my hair is starting to look really feminine. i mean, from behind if im wearing a big jacket, or neutral clothing that hides my body shape, i could easily be mistaken for a girl. my hair is mid back wavy blonde hair and looks like a lot of generic blonde girls hair. it doesnt help that im not very hairy (facial and body hair lol) and im also a swimmer and have a slim athletic body. i suppose all these things add up and make me an easy target to these kinds of people.
is there anything i could do to make my hair appear more masculine? i mean, without cutting it short of course! another problem is i grew it out from really short hair, so its the same length all over and since im not hairy i cant grow sideburns like other guys with long hair, so it really does look like girls hair from the front as well. i mean its long around the ears, whereas ive noticed other guys with long hair have this bit trimmed as sideburns. i hope i explained this all properly. i cant trim the sides and grow sideburns coz that doesnt work.. im not sure what else to do. when i wear it in a pony tail i get even more negative comments. ive never tried a bun coz im worried about more negative "girl" comments. is there some kind of trim i could do that would make more masculine? layers or something like that? or some kind of style. i really have no idea.
thanks very much guys
p.s. just to clarify, im not trying to grow my hair super long. im not striving for butt length hair or anything like that, even though i really respect you guys with such super long hair, it just wouldnt be feasible for me. im happy with my hair anywhere between shoulder and mid back. that is, so its still 'long' but not super long.
so basically what im trying to say is im open to suggestions about trimming my mid-back length hair or styling it differently to appear more masculine. but i never want to cut it off and have short hair again, i spent my whole childhood with short hair and thats more than enough for me.
well dont listen to them i get that alot but just ignore
I think growing facial hair would be the best way to not look so feminine. Being mistaken for a woman from behind is something you will have to learn to live with when having long hair. Really no way to avoid this. Also, if you can't handle the criticism, then maybe long hair isn't for you. Don't torture yourself. I feel that long hair isn't for everyone. But if you really like it, be strong and don't worry so much about what other people say. Do what you want. We (as long haired men) will always be criticized for not conforming to what is considered 'normal' in society. Suck it up and be tough if you really enjoy having long hair. Think very long and carefully before you cut. Don't do anything you will regret later.
He said he can't grow much facial hair and it sounds like the comments he's getting are starting to have menacing overtones i.e. it's a bit intimidating. Given the number of morons out there who have a few beers and decide to be "real men" I'd be intimidated too.
I wish I could offer more in the way of help--all I can think of right now is to try piling your hair up under a hat like a baseball cap when you go out at night alone. And maybe going out at night alone is a bad idea. That last part is easy for me to say as I think I'm substantially older than you are. Anyway I hope someone else has a better suggestion.
"from behind if im wearing a big jacket, or neutral clothing that hides my body shape, i could easily be mistaken for a girl."
Jase,
A temporary solution could be to simply avoid, as much as possible, wearing the items you identify as more likely to get your gender mistaken.
The issue, is of course, broader than others' getting confused aobut your gender, it is really about the fact that there are so many idiots in the world who feel it is their right to demand compliance with their percieved 'norms'. To be a man and to be long-haired one MUST be (in order to comply) either:
There are more people, I'd wager, who post to this board that are NONE of the above than there are people who are ANY of the above (even if we start double counting for each category).
The point is that the world at large has a mistaken notion of what being a long-haired man means. It is up to us to re-define (and just maybe eliminate) the stereotypes.
Until the fools all die or are infirmed (i.e. NEVER), stay safe out there, carry a cell phone and walk confidently. People will mess with you less if you look like you are sure of yourself.
All the best,
Shawn (Mr. Crow)
in the sterotypes of long hair, you forgot musician... and if you add that, i bet the number no longer (of being a sterotype) is in the minority :P
D'oh! How could I have MISSED that!? You are, perhaps, quite right.
Touché.
Shawn
First of all, nobody yells "you look like a girl" at people who they really believe are girls, so they damned well know you are a guy. They already know you are a guy, so would a beard help? They already know you are a guy so I don't see how it would.
So the problem is "something else", and I wonder if it has anything to do with your hair....
Are you seen as an intruder on someone else's turf? If so, they are trying to run you off.
Or are you just a target of typical teenager "yell at anyone they pass on the road" behavior? If it's that, they'll generally just go on by.
In either case they'll just yell whatever comes to mind, and since you now have long hair, you are apt to get an anti-longhair slur thrown at you. "You look like a girl" is an anti-longhair slur. Had you been a different race than them, you might have gotten a racial slur instead; had you been a woman you might have gotten whistled at, etc.
I have so much facial hair that "you look like a girl" would make someone "look like a fool", so I never get that. But I get "hippie" shouted at me (sometimes in a favorable way, sometimes not) and once someone yelled "get a job", presuming I did not work because I had long hair. If the people are friendly I acknowledge them with a wave or a peace sign. If they are not, I totally ignore them.
Unless you look like you're trying for a transgender thing, you should not be getting any feedback whose existence is really related to your looks. You are just getting shouts that you were going to get anyway, that are tailored to your looks. If you change your appearance, you are not apt to hear less words, just different ones. You'll probably either need to accept that in certain neighborhoods at certain hours that is the behavior at hand, or just not go to those places at that time if it bothers you.
That's my take on it from what you say.
Bill
There is NO WAY to make long hair look more 'masculine'. That's because long hair is neither masculine or feminine, it is really gender neutral. It is people's pre-concieved perceptions that is affecting you. Don't let their close-mindedness affect you. Choosing clothes that are strongly identified with a male gender might help, but there really isn't much you can do otherwise.
Are you out alone? Consider being with friends, there is safety in numbers. Act confidently. If you walk with confidence, and hold your head up, and just ignore the ignorant hecklers, and go on your way, they will get the message. If having the long hair is important to you, you will learn to toughen it up, and walk past the jerks without comment or reaction. If it is really bothering you a lot, you have two choices: 1) stay home 2) cut your hair. I don't think you really want to do either, so you just have to assert yourself and let the comments roll off your back. Good luck!
Carol
Thanks for the support everyone, i was just having a rough time and let the comments get to me and was starting to doubt myself with long hair. but its all good now, theres no way im gonna cut my hair.
i actually usually dont mind getting negative comments about my hair, i get stereotyped all the time and called a lazy surfer, a hippy, told to get a job and lots of things like that. most of these comments dont bother me at all. i mean ironically i am a surfer but thats got nothing to do with my hair. and people telling me to get a job or calling me a hippy is just ignorance. it was more the threatening, aggressive type comments that got me down, coz thats something ive never experienced before. it just really upset me that people would threaten me just coz of my hair, its ridiculous.
also i cop alot from my parents, especially my mum who says long hair makes guys look derelict and ill never get a proper job with hair like this. the sad thing is that her perceptions are wide spread. right now im a university student and work part time as a surfing instructor and a swim teacher to supplement my studies, so hair isnt such an issue. although when i was getting interviewed for the swim instructor job they told me "we are impressed with you but think that perhaps you could improve on professionalism and cut your hair to a shorter, neater style, that would be great." i refused on the grounds that my hair doesnt affect my ability to teach kids and they gave me the job and it was no big deal in the end. i really hope it doesnt become a bigger issue when i graduate and seek a professional job.
but anyway thanks for the input. its nice to know there are open minded people out there.
and just to clarify some things from your posts, i was alone when i received the threatening and aggressive comments. and i wasnt in anyway suggesting long hair suggests being feminine in anyway, i was just trying to explain why i think others targeted me. i personally think its very masculine and takes alot of courage for a guy to grow long hair, especially you guys with really long hair, i respect that alot. and im actually 22 years old, sorry if i seemed to come accross much younger with my comments about my beard lol. i can grow a beard, im not completely hairless lol, but i mean its blonde and not very thick, basically it doesnt work as a facial hair style like some guys with darker and stronger facial hair can achieve. it just looks messy on me and gives my mum more ammo to complain about my hair lol. but im ok with everything and i like my hair, if anything like this happens in the future ill be better prepared and wont let it get to me so much.
thanks guys and keep growing, its really comforting knowing theres likeminded people out there
Where do you live anyway? Here you can be a man and wear a pink feather boa, don a tutu, and set yourself on fire and people probably would just walk by you on the street and not say a word.
What I would have to say has already been said by others although I would like to highlight the clothing apsect. Wear more masculine clothing maybe a cap or bandana among other things. I agree with Bill though it wont matter they are still going to yell stuff at you. If you grew about a foot taller and a foot wider and mean looking they wouldn't mess with you.
Sadly the world is full of stupid people has been since the first humans and I suspect always will be we just have to deal with them
as best we can.
Kevin
Hello.
Do you wear your hair loose? You didn't mention it. If yes, try wearing a ponytail, it may help. If you already did that, and you still have problems with morons, really try to look self-confident.
If you pretend that you're self-confident, always having lots of energy (no matter how the morons try to insult you), looking completely resistent to any slurs, others will believe it, by time. Sometimes, they'll try to check if you're still so strong, then make it sure again and again.
You know how it is annoying when someone is always happy? The morons surely enjoy they can yell at you negative comments, they want to drain your energy. Most of people does that, it is very common competitive behavior, when someone feels low on energy. If you'll have much more energy than they can endure, you'll take them all their fun.
I write this of my own experience. This requires a strong will, and its sometimes diffcult, but it works. You may seem to them that you're crazy, or insane, but that's the point!
Well, i'm not tall, about 5"7 or something like that, and i'm quite skinny to, and no facial hair as well (it still doesn't grow that thick on me yet) i'm 19 years old, but never ever have i been mistaken for a girl, it could be the fact that i'm often wearing masculine clothing, black leather jacket, bikerboots, jeans and stuff like that. So i think wearing more darker/masculine colors could help actually.
Simon
That can mean you're a guy. Or that you're a lesbian! [grin]
Bill
Hehe, LOL:D But of course here in Sweden the people are quite open and don't really care that much about how people look and dress so, sometimes they can make jokes but it's not a big deal actaully.
Simon
I have but one humble suggestion for you, try to wear a "masculine" watch, if you don't already. It doesn't intefere with your current sense of style (or shouldn't) and it could help. This isn't a solution, but it can't hurt!
Best wishes,
-Christian Epp
P.S. What is your current style? (Just curious how stupid these strangers are in the area of gender identification.)
Hey thanks for the tip, ill try all these suggestions and see how it goes. i dont live in a great area so there are lots of assholes around who target people. its just never happened to me before this, hopefully it doesnt escalate.
THey didnt mistake me for a girl, they were just aggressively saying long hair makes me look like a girl and were threatening violence because of that.
my current style isnt really a style its just been grown long, same length all over, wavy blonde hair.
I can relate to you completely my hair is a few inches past my shoulders and i often get comments like this, despite having noticable facial hair, u've just got to learn to put up with it and realise that those people arent worth getting wound up about. One of the worst things i experienced was when 3 guys were giving insulting remarks about my hair and they actually started on me for no reason at all apart from that, they punched me a few times but it was on a main street so nothing serious happened to me, thats the price i pay for living in the UK though, if any of u are from the UK you'll know what i mean when i say we have a serious 'chav' problem.