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Do any of you long-haired fathers in this community ever meet with resistance from your children, concerning the length of your hair? My 12-yr-old daughter, and lately, my 6-yr-old son, have stated that they do not want me to grow my hair long, as it isn't "normal." My view is that it is more important to teach them to value authenticity, and to hold in high esteem people who are true to themselves, than it is to betray oneself in order to "fit in" with the majority. Understandably, this way of thinking can be a tough pill for a kid to swallow (at least, until some of them reach their teens, when it's their turn to rebel!). If this is an issue some of you have dealt with, I'd appreciate hearing about how you worked it through. I have actually failed to keep my hair growing, out of a sense of obligation to my kids, yet I think there must be a way for everyone to be happy.
Well, I'm not a parent, but I think it's pretty typical for most children to at one time or another think their parents are "weird" and "not normal." I remember my sister and I being embarrassed by our dad when he wore spandex biking shorts to pick us up at the library. We would see them kiss in public once in a while and could only roll our eyes and try to make it clear they weren't "our" parents Many other things of course, but my point is that even if you cut your hair down to society's "norm" your children will most likely simply find something else to call strange.
Mouse
Probably very true, Mouse. Thanks :)
I am a longtime member of this board (or was) who started growing my hair out when my children were about the ages of yours. Honestly, I think that while I was going through the awkward stages there were a few conversations that started with "are you growing your hair out?".
Now, 7 years later, I doubt the three of them (now 20, 15, and 13) remember me without long hair, and they and their friends seem to have a certain pride about it. Recently, my 20 year old told me that among her friends I am "super Jesus".
Regarding your own reflections, I would add the word "integrity" to the things I want to model for my children. That means, as much as one is able, to be who one says, think, and feels that he is. I would offer to my children that "normal" NEVER defines a person's integrity or character. In fact, making decisions based on what is "normal" really means making decisions based on what other people want, do, say, think and feel. It's the opposite of integrity and character.
Your kids are just at the ages when they are struggling with these things. In my opinion, the best thing you can do is to model integrity. If long hair is what you want right now, then grow long hair. This will not be the last time you "embarrass" them, and they will survive. If you wear your hair with dignity, they will soon come to feel it and honor it.
Bob (aka Robert)
Thank you for sharing these insights, Robert. They are much appreciated.
--Val
Hi Bob,
I meant to add the following to your fine comments to Validus...
Although I'm not a father, I am an uncle (have 3 nephews and 6 nieces). For some unknown reason, I have also been honored with them thinking I am somehow, "cool" (even though I truthfully feel I'm more along the lines of just plain, "weird", more than cool - lol).... In any case, now that even the youngest neice and nephew are both full-fledged teenagers, they seem to totally just accept me as I am. Maybe this might be because whenever I baby-sat all of them when they were little, I would either spoil them, or let them get away with "murder", --- or maybe it's because idiosyncratic longhaired uncles have a certain twisted mysterious appeal to impressionable youth... I dunno! Whatever the reason, though, I'm a firm believer in that old Shakespearean quote, "To thine own self be true!" (At least i HOPE I'm quoting Shakespeare, --- as well as quoting him accurately - lol!!)
Robert, I miss your input here. I hope life is treating you well!
- Ken
Amen, Ken... and thanks :)
There's an old quote that I can't remember where it came from "The majority is always sane".
My own children are 15 (daughter) and 13 (son). My son hasn't really expressed an opinion one way or another, but that's his personality. I think that my daughter, like most her age, is embarrased by anything that I do.
It's perhaps helped that my wife and I have been open to any times that they want to express themselves by their appearance. My son went through a stage where he had his hair really short and my daughter has had hair between chin length and mid-back. My son once expressed the opinion some years ago when I was still short-haired that he wanted long hair but ended up not doing it. It may be odd to hear around here, but we told him that "it's just hair, you can cut it or grow it, or colour it as you like".
The only thing we've limited them on is anything permanent like a tattoo. We've told them that they have to decide on something they want and continue to want it for an entire year. Neither of them have taken us up on that but they seem to think that waiting a year before doing something permanent to their body sounds fair.
I hope that helps.
It does, Andrew... thank you :)
My 4 year old is my biggest fan...maybe she doesn't know better yet, eh?
Well, Validus,
I'd suggest that short hair is just too 'muggle-ish'. Point to images of Hagrid, Dumbledore, Sirius or even look at the kings in any fantasy genre film à la Lord of the Rings. Tell them that it moght not be normal, but kings are not generally common, either.
Joke about it, but be firm. Especially with your daughter. She is at the age where kids become über-sensitive about everything and they always wonder about others' opinions and try always to do what is needed to feel accepted. Showing her, despite her protests, that one can have the inner strength to go it alone if need be may be what gives her the courage to do so when the pressures of teenage life turn towards less desireable and more serious issues than the length of one's hair.
All the best.
Shawn (Mr. Crow)
Great suggestions, Shawn... thanks a bunch :)
There are some great 'role models' to support long hair. Currently growing out my beard, being compared to Pirates of the Carribean makes a welcome change to Jesus :)
Our dad had longish hair and beard, but it was the late seventies when that was not unusual. I still remember the morning he walked in the room clean shaven - a terrible shock!
He's never grown it back since, though I've often wished he would; from time to time persuading me to cut my hair back he reflects how much simpler it is to have french crop style hair, but when I consider the bigger picture I'm just not convinced. My hair is a great comforter, and despite having those moments of doubt, I'm always glad when I come through the other end finding my hair is still with me, carrying a thousand stories with it.
His twin brother has had a beard as long as I can remember, and it's one of the things that makes him a legendary uncle!!
Hey: I am an Elementary School Teacher. The more often children see long haired men in our society (in varying careers) the more "normal" it becomes. Granted, having a long haired teacher is different than your own father having long hair but it is a reference point non the less. The "simple" fact that you are sensitive to your children's feelings shows you are an awesome father. Good for you! Bruce'ster
Thanks for the compliment, Bruce! It's great to hear that you are teaching children not only academics, but acceptance, mutual respect, and "the way of the longhaired man," as well.
My kids grew up having a longhaired father. My hair is down to belt length [and, admittedly, is thinning on top]. My oldest, who is now 12, had long hair with bangs. Just before going into 2nd grade he decided that he wanted his hair cut in the style of Harry Potter [And with his glasses, he pulls it off]. My younger son, who is 7, Seems to like it long [its to his lower back] and sometimes wants it cut and sometimes doesn't. Usually, he prefers it in a braid because, now get this, some people don't think he's a girl! I love that kid. My youngest child , almost 6, is my daughter. She likes long hair. Several times, in either son's classroom, I'm easily identified ad their dad. Of course, on an other note, there is another boy at thier school, whose age I'm unsure of [9-11 ??], who sports a long braid. I'm unsure of his ethnicity [sp?] but we do have a strong Bangadese community here.
If worse comes to worse, just tell the kids, "Dad is going through a phase. Support him now and he just may take you side when you do something odd." It'll catch them off-guard.
Eric
Heheheh... right on, bro. Thanks :)
My kids have never seen me with short hair. The way I see it. kids will always be embarassed by their parents and think you are weird anyway. It makes no difference whether you have long hair. They will think your clothes or your taste in music are quite odd. You simply don't belong to the same generation as them, and that's OK.
I think your problem many have been that they didn't want you to change the way you looked. Sometimes parents get that way about kids too, but it is an inevitable part of growing up that they will change. Kids too can quickly learn that dad with a moustache or dad with long hair is still just the same weird dad.
Very true... thanks for the insight, bro!
I also remember Arlo Guthrie saying on stage that his kids had been nagging him to cut his hair, and I'm pleased to say that he didn't.