new thread
Just for fun, I was thinking about how I would describe different hair lengths of longhairs, and what correlative name I would give to each specific length. This post should not be taken too seriously, --- it is just my childish way of amusing myself before having to go off to work! Starting with the length description on the left, I'll put its name in CAPS.
OK, here goes...
1) Hair falling into eyes, tickling ears, and starting to look shaggy on the collar = ENTERING AWKWARD STAGE
2) Hair regularly out-of-control, falling across the rest of face, and solidly covering ears and collar = OMG, I DON'T THINK I'LL EVER GET THRU THIS! (AKA, "Full-blown Awkward Stage")
3) Hair finally rests on top of shoulders, and ability to put most of mane back into a pitiful-lloking ponytail = NEARING END OF AWKWARD STAGE
4) Hair actually falls & flows over the shoulders and onto upper torso, and can all be tied back into a very decent-looking ponytail (including all of the bangs) = EUREKA! HEY LOOK, MOM, --- A LONGHAIR!! (AKA, "The Jesus Look" / "THE Major Benchmark" / "Finally, a Member of the Club!", etc.)
5) Hair flows all over shoulders and chest, reaching nipples in front / shoulder-blades in back = OMG, IT'S REALLY LOOONG NOW!!
6) Hair hits mid-back, and you start hearing muttering out in public, like: "Look how long that dude's hair is, --- or is that a girl with a beard?" = YOU'RE A [SHORTHAIR] "LOST SOUL"...
7) Hair arrives at waist-level = "I GUESS I'M PRETTY COMMITTED NOW!"
8) Hair hits belt-length = WOW, I FORGOT WHAT SHORT HAIR EVEN FEELS LIKE!!!
9) Hair past belt-length = UNFAIR (to others - lol)!!!!
10) Butt-length = LEAVING EARTH'S NORMAL ATMOSPHERE & ORBIT (AKA, "Breathing Heavy, But Floating Light!")
11) Past Butt-length = OMG, I'M ON MARS NOW!
12) Knee-length = IT'S GOTTA BE A WIG!!
13) Ankle- length = YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING!!!
14) Floor-length = NO WAY!!!!
15 Dragging behind you on the floor, being careful not to trip over your own mane = DREAM ON, DUDE...
Hope these categories & "definitioons" have helped anyone who might be confused about where they are at on the official Longhair Chart...
- Ken
LOL:D that's great Ken! I always enjoy reading your humours posts:D
I guess in just a few months i'm about to enter the second chart on your list:)
Simon
Hahaha nice man
Thanks for the laughs.. i actually learned something =)
I'm on stage 4, yey :D
Thanks for those definitions, they were lots of fun to read.
I would declare myself a 3.5 because my back hair is getting to 4 comfortably but my front hair has not quite received the memo declaring me a longhair.
Of course, there are lengths before stage 1. And in fact some might declare stage 1 to be insanely long for a guy--these people are misinformed.
I would put myself a month or so behind the first one
My fring is reaching my eyebrows if i pull it, so thats a no no, but the hair around my ears is growing like wildfire and it tickles me when i try to sleep and thats annoying
Looking shaggy on the collar, i wish, it only just brushs my collar when i put my head all the way back
Now i just feel worse
This is what it's like for someone like me
1) Hair can actually be be pinched without pain NICE
2) you can actually pull your hair a little bit to see how much it has grown- I HAVE A FRINGE!!!!!
3) You feel like you are developing a mullet at the back- WOWZERS
4) Hair actually tickles your ears- IS THAT ME IN THE MIRROR (my stage)
5) That tiny mullet becomes more apparent- ARRGH< I LOOK LIKE DAVID BOWIE IN THE 70's
6) Hair brushes your collar with out your assistance - OH-MY-GOD
7) you can feel it on your shoulders- (faints)
8) touches your back- (smelling salts over here)
9) your hair is on the floor- i AM NO LONGER A MERE MORTAL, I STAND WITH THE GODS IN MY INFINOTE-OWW, I TRIPPED UP OVER MY HAIR!!!
That's a good list, too! Another milestone I might add is when you actually get to smell your own hair. Yes, hair has its own smell, actually quite pleasant from my own experience.
Dave
I actually smelled my own hair today. What people have been saying about my shampoo is true--it does make my hair smell good.
It smeels even better without shampoo, I only water wash and my hair smell is great, its sort of like sheeps wool, very natural and organic.
I use one of the Herbal Essences shampoos which is vaguely natural as compared to a lot of other shampoos. I swear by it because it keeps my hair clean and smelling good without being too artificial. By the way, my formula is their "Drama Clean" which has berry tea and orange flower as its scents.
Hi Ken,
You ALWAYS have the most ORIGINAL and hilarious posts, and this one is NO exception, I LOVE it! No wonder you are such a joy to have around the hyperboard.
As for me, I would say between a 4 and a 5. I CAN get the hair down to my nipples, but only by pulling (wishful thinking, perhaps?). And it is always longer when wet. If only the darned stuff would GROW FASTER, lol!
Take care, Ken,
David
Hi Ken,
A very amusing read and a masterpiece well done!
Cheers,
John.B
Hilarious, Ken! I think I'm somewhere at about 2.5. :-)
Mouse
Those are pretty much my exact comments whenever I've experienced/seen other people in the stages. Thanks for the great list Ken.
Peace,
Ryan
Is this some new kind of 12 step program?
Hi, I am Chris and I am a recovering short hair.
[approval noises]
Today I am at step 5 on my journey
[applause]
or maybe its the amazing 15 step Dr. Ken's Healing through Hair program (TM)
Sign me up today
---
Can we use the word "nipples" here? I am scandalized!
Hi Chris,
How's things with you?
Interesting reading from the 5th dimension.
Cheers,
John.B
Could be better John but hanging in there. Hope things are going smoothly for you after your German expedition :)
Hi Chris, I'm at Step 5 also. Can we carpool to the meetings?
Maybe "Buttons" would be more family friendly! lol
peace, jonalbear
LMAO!!!! Priceless! This has to be the most hilarious yet accurate list that I've ever witnessed. I love it!
My longest hair which comes from behind my ears now reaches my collarbone if I pull it straight down. I guess that puts me into stage 4. Maybe I'll reach stage 5, aka nipple length, by next winter.
David
Well I'm glad its not just my ponytail that looks pitiful :P
I guess im classed as a number 5 on your catagory list
Hey Ken. I'm at level 6 now and hoping to get to 7. Your system is quite unique and well thought out. I suspect that you have a little too much free time or that you are totally obsessed with hair. But, since I am also totally obsessed with hair, I admire your creativity. Hope that the dancing is going well. I'm taking my students to the Rainbow Room in NYC in August and to the Taj Mahal in Atlantic City in September for dinner and dance trips.
Del
LOL! You obviously have a lot of fun being a longhair. One of those positive attributes of a longhair; they have way more fun!
Carol
Don't people consider waist and belt length the same, or is that only me?
Most men consider them the same place, while most women don't. I remember this was discussed not too long ago. Men's Levi's are marked W34L32, for example, and the "W" stands for "waist". If anybody knows where men's waists are, it ought to be Levi Strauss.
Women are shaped differently and they generally cinch their belts well below their narrowest point (waist). Men don't have that hourglass shape, and they tend to cinch their belts at or near their narrowest point, if they even have such. Quite a few skinny guys are pretty much the same diameter for quite a ways down the torso and hips, and finding a narrowest point would be futile.
One big guy, the last time we talked about this, got the biggest laughs. He said his narrowest point was right under his armpits! But he did not, he implied, consider that his waist!
Men generally say "waist length" hair for hair down to where the pants are cinched. "Belt length" is a term women use for that spot and "waist length" is a term they use for a higher-up spot that is unremarkable on men.
Bill
Which is why I'm happy with "belly-button length". That's fairly unambiguous as long as you stand up properly.
Many people consider the belt the waist, but in terms of how clothing is designed, (and for this post) that the belt is your hips. The best way to think of the waist is where your kidneys are, below the ribs and above the hips.
Most people do, but it's not accurate. Your true waist is approximately level with your navel. This is where guys all used to wear their belts ... fifty years ago, LOL! I am old enough to remember when wearing your trousers on your hips was considered to be weird by parents and other oldies, maybe 35 years ago. Of course, now nearly everyone does it.
Just because something was done fifty years ago does not make it any "truer" than how it is done now. If so, the only "true" television would be in black and white. Words are defined by what, as you put it, "now nearly everyone does".
Bill
Hi Ken! Man that must have taken you awhile to work up that list but it is fun to fit yourself into the appropriate one.So for me I'd say a number 8 best describes where I'm at now.Would be nice if I could make a 9!LOL.Thanks for the fun post Ken as sometimes we get too serious here.Mark
Ken! Omigawd!
You're not only a born philosopher as I can tell from havin' grooved on certain of your more loquacious interspective (from many angles) AND introspective (lookin' within oneself) musings, but you're a natural comedian, as well! LOL! When oh when'll ya start doin' stand-up?
Also, your so-called "definitoons" oughta be illustrated as a trade paperback and stocked in the "Humor" section of national book store chains. A perfect gift-giving idea for anyone who knows or IS a longhair!
Best wishes in longhaired camaraderie,
Quenyan
Hey Ken: I figure I must be a 4, but I'm trapped in a 10's body! But that's better than a 0 (shaved head) which is where many of us used to be. lol - Bruce'ster
I'm on the highway in between the town of "ENTERING AWKWARD STAGE" and the greater metropolis of "OMG, I DON'T THINK I'LL EVER GET THRU THIS!"
Safe travels to all,
-Christian Epp
Hi Ken, mine is maybe a 12, or at least 11 3/4. Judge for yourself, and it is not a wig.
Scott
Hi Ken,
I would say I am between 5 & 6. funny is people are already giving me that wierd look either on the subway or streetcar(too bad). And of course I have my share of compliments too from strangers out of the blue--a grocery store; an elderly lady wanted to touch and feel my hair, God bless her heart. Two days ago I had my hair washed and hot oil treatment done at a salon. This shy Korean shampoo girl asked me a several questions "Are you an artist?" "Are you a designer?"practically interrogating me. I kept her guessing...I guess we long hair folk do mystify others more ways than one. People do wonder what occupations we have and how come we can get away with murder with our long hair at our work place?
I'm probably in the #5 region. Would like to be much farther
down the list but probably will never happen.
I'm a number 3 for sure.
This is great! You also put a smile on my face Ken.
Bruce
(at 4.8 on the LH scale)
Hi Ken
That was a breath of fresh air in my day dude, you made me laugh out loud, im only a mere 2.3 now ,but i know i will be a fully fledged 4 in the next year. All the best mate, Jonny H uk
12.5 Calf length - BEFUDDLES SHORT-HAIRS
I can't yet claim to have proper calf length because my hair just brushes the top of my calves.
The description comes from a stranger who remarked Why would anyone want hair that long?
(;-)
Ed
I would add : UNFAIR !
By the way, I really would like to see your hair now !
Bye
Vivien
Haha, very fun Ken!
I'd say I'm at the step 5.5 (6 ?) even if a friend called me Jesus two month ago ! ;)
Bye
Vivien
I enjoyed your categories; I wish i had that much free time on my hands!
It's nice to know, though, that at age 53 I finally progressed to the HEY LOOK MOM stage!
Onward!
George
And what a great way to start the day! :-) A childish way of amusing oneself couldn't but be more fun.
One thing however, the kid that wrote this actually hit the nail right on the head so many times.
Fun posting Ken and thanks so much. :-)
Justin~
Nice Ken ....
that was great!... :)
Tristan
Hi Ken,
hehehe cool post!! I think I must be a 5 or a 6. Wish my hair would grow quicker! I want an 8 or 9 pleeeeez!
Neil
3/4 :)
Hey Ken!
Woohoo!!! According to your list I fall into the "nearing end of awkward phase"! Personally, I'm looking forward to the #5 item on the list...which I think will be in about 10-12 months from now...but I must say, the end of awkward phase is VERY difficult for me. :-( I hope that in 2 months or so from now that will change. (Have had those days when I consider getting it all buzzed off.)
Thanks for sharing...that was a very fun list!
Cheers, Max
Brilliant post, as usual Ken.
I have a few strands in the middle that reach 7 if I pull them straight, or even 8 if I lean my head back! I really should be an 8, though, because I haven't been a zero on your scale since Nixon was president! I do remember Watergate, though.
As for the Bruce'ster equating a zero to a shaved head... no. I have never had a shaved head. I remember the skinheads, and that was enough to dissuade me permanently.
I'm starting to get junk mail from the AARP, and I haven't had short hair since I was a schoolkid. It's not that I can't remember having short hair atall, it's just that when I picture myself with short hair I don't see an adult, because I never really was a short haired adult. I did have one disastrous haircut as an adult that took me back to the awkward stage, but I grew it again right away.
Mine is at 6 and it might reach 7 if I stretch it. The problem is that I can't find my waist...
--
A Linux Longhair
Hi Ken
Shouldn't #13 be called the Danny Cecati. LOL
You know we're probably overdue for a pic to be posted of him as an example.
Kevin
It seems that there are only a few long-haired men on the world whose hair-length belongs to the categories 12ff. (12. Knee length; 13. Ankle-length; 14. floor length; 15. dragging behind you on the floor). I know some examples for two categories: Category 12: Baron Misuraca from VASARIA, Jack from 8MMOVERDOSE, Category 14: Danny Cecati from the Australian Metal band EYEFEAR.