new thread
Here it comes... My sister is here visiting, and my hair and beard come up. "You would look better buzzed because your bald" "Arn't you going to shave for your sisters wedding in the spring". And when I try to defend myself and say no, I want to be me, I get treated like I am the bad guy. I am so over this! This is why I dispise the holidays. Why can't my own family just let me be me. I am not going to change, and not for a stupid wedding. I am so sick of this. I am so sick of this. I bet my Mom is going to take my sisters side too. If they are going to be this shallow, then I don't even want to goto that stupid weading or be part of this family. I am so over this SHIT!
Mike you know you are not going to cut your hair. The only way to handle your family is NOT to defend yourself in any way, no explanations no defenses no nothing!
I have things I refuse to argue about with my family and the only thing that works is this. If the subject comes up don't say "I will not cut my hair" only say "I will not discuss this".
No matter how many times they bring it up and no matter how they bring it up, always say only "I will not discuss this". Seriously Mike don't alter the words or the delivery or anything here. The idea is to get the rest of your family to automatically hear in their head you saying "I will not discuss this" before they even bring it up. Eventually if you keep this up and do not actually discuss the hair or alter what you say there will be less and less approaches your family can use to try to hook you into even talking about it.
Mike you know you won't cut your hair so there is not any point in discussing it, your family might resent it for awhile but there is no reason for you to feel guilty about any of it.
Try this "I will not discuss this" and don't alter it, they will soon know you are serious if you don't change the wording. The idea is to eventually have them tire of even asking you.
Show them you are over it Mike, try what I suggested see what happens. But stick to your guns and do not change this response.
I hope the closing went OK Mike. Talk to you later
Chris is right, whenever we go about defending ourselves it results in a conversation and that is what you are not interested in having. So Simply refuse to discuss it and if they persist after Yuo said what Chris suggested give them silence and walk away.
It just floors me all these families who feel like they have to
weigh in on your choices in life. I'm lucky I guess I have a family that lets you get on with your life and doesn't bother you about it.
Good Luck
Kevin
Both that have posted below this are so very right. The minute you try and defend yourself, the better it is for them to continue harassing you. But without leaves them no place to go. Perhaps if it gets too much for today simply leave the room, and everytime the subject is brought-up give forth not one single comment. Ignor any and all comments and just smile at them in silence.
After a while they will at last get the message.
My best to you for a happy Thanksgiving.
I know EXACLY how you feel. People at my school aren't always so nice to me about my hair either, they look at me like an alien and point their fingers at me and asking me if I do drugs. My parents used to blame my hair for everything that I did wrong as well. Don't feel alone. It's all good, just laugh at them when they start and they'll eventually leave you alone.
-Josh
Thank goodness my mom never had problems with my long hair (female) but she never has liked any of the long haired men I date, but if that is the only thing she has to worry about I feel like she should be thankful. Life could be so much worse! Although, I have had problems with my family around Thanksgiving since I am a vegetarian. I was teased and ridiculed for years (sometimes I still get nasty comments). I grin and bear it and fill up on mashed potatoes :) They are family and sometimes the ones that love you the most are the most critical of you. Not because they love you any less but because they feel that because they are related they have the "right" to tell you how they feel. Just be a good person, be comfortable with your decisions, don't react (it only gives them more fuel for the fire) just gently change the subject to your year's accomplishments and future plans. Maybe next year they will have someone else to pick on and leave you and your hair alone. Good luck and walk proud! Happy Thanksgiving.
-Earthygirl
There's quite a bit of wisdom posted so far. I particularly like the notion of, "I will not discuss this with you." Sometimes that's the way it has to be if you're to be true to who you feel you are.
The notion of "not discussing" is what I finally had to do when it came to repeated abuse from my grandfather back in the 1990s. I'd "had it" with the grief I was continually getting, and finally I'd had enough; he insulted me one too many times, and I simply turned on my heel and walked away. The next time I saw him he was in a box ready for burial. Now that's a bit extreme, and in hindsight I know it was the dementia talking and not him, but still, the level of hurt was astonishing. And needless.
So, yes, just simply take the notion off the table. Don't try to "defend yourself" because that just gives your opponents fuel. If they can't "get it", make sure they know that it's their loss; as an adult, you have the power to make that choice, and if they don't like it, then they can rethink their tactics.
he insulted me one too many times, and I simply turned on my heel and walked away. The next time I saw him he was in a box ready for burial. Now that's a bit extreme, and in hindsight I know it was the dementia talking and not him, but still, the level of hurt was astonishing. And needless.
this gets me particulary hard, my nan has dementia, and she always insults me and my family.
It's such a pity becuase she was such a strong woman, she loved us all and was very independent.
Now she's just not herself.
Dang, Beanz, I'm sorry to hear that. It may sound trite, but I feel for you.
Dementia (of which "Alzheimer's Disease" is one variant) is really insidious in that regard. On the one hand, the people whom we've known for so long look like they always have, it's just that "their brains are busted" and they don't *act* the way we remember; this can cause untold hurt.
Don't blame your nan. Her actions are not the result of her own volition; it's likely the disease talking.
he insulted me one too many times, and I simply turned on my heel and walked away. The next time I saw him he was in a box ready for burial. Now that's a bit extreme, and in hindsight I know it was the dementia talking and not him, but still, the level of hurt was astonishing. And needless.
this gets me particulary hard, my nan has dementia, and she always insults me and my family.
It's such a pity becuase she was such a strong woman, she loved us all and was very independent.
Now she's just not herself.
I also remember this one time my dad was with me in the car (I have mid back length hair) and the window was down, and it was blowing, so he rolled it up and said "I don't want to mess your pretty hair up" and for a few months I was scared to wear my hair down in front of him LOL.
-Josh
You know why I'm proud, Mike? Some guys would doubt themselves and get guilted into thinking maybe they were letting the family down. You haven't been worn down by their foolishness and that says good things about you.
I'm sorry your family isn't supportive of you, that isn't the way families should be. If it helps any, keep in mind this really is not about your hair but about your sister and the others that harp about your looks and probably everything else. People comfortable with themselves don't need to change the harmless traits of others.
Elizabeth
This really sums up the whole problem quite nicely and should be our motto!
Hope you are having a good Thanksgiving Elizabeth and that everything is going well for you :)
The others are right. Some things in life don't require any reasons or explanations, and your hairstyle is one of them. Just say no! That has evolved into an anti-drug slogan, but where it actually makes sense is that if someone offers something you don't want, a polite "No, thanks" works better than any explanation, because there is no way to answer it. I works for haircuts as well as dope!
I meant "it works for haircuts as well as dope!"
I kind of doubted that you would be interested in either of the above :)
I hope you and your family had a great Thanksgiving!
Remember that whoever angers you controls you. By getting upset, you play into your accoster's hand. Just let it roll off your back like a duck. Tie your hair back in a neat tail, and go have fun at the wedding as if nothing had ever been said. Handle it with grace; you'll be the winner.