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“The Canal:” A mostly off-topic story with two or three passing references to hair…
About eight months ago I went to the dentist for a check-up and cleaning, and the dentist found a cavity in the side of my second molar on the left. I am notorious for putting off dentist visits. Not so much because I’m scared of them but because I am not ever thrilled at the bill that results. The receptionist always says in such a soft, soothing voice: “Sweetie, It’ll be $450 today.” So, I scheduled appointment the next week to have it filled. When the dentist got to drilling, he found that the tooth was more than he could fix. He said the cavity was too deep and that I’d have to have a root canal; he puts a temporary filling in it. The words “root canal” always strike me with a little fear and apprehension. So he says that he know a good dentist in Albany (Georgia). I’m like whatever. Dr. Jones’ same mellifluous receptionist made me an appoint for two weeks later. Well, you know, things get crazy, things happen, one gets busy, the tooth’s not really hurting much at all, the dog needs to go to the vet, the house needs a’cleaning, the homework need a’doing, etc. The week of the appointment came, but I had a little too much going on to break away. I think I had to finish some Thoreau and translate a bunch of Latin or some lame-ass excuse like that. I cancelled the Albany appointment two days ahead of time. I told them I couldn’t make it and would just have to reschedule. They were fine with that and added that I shouldn’t wait too long.
Fall to winter turned;
Winter turned to spring.*
Why have I never learned,
To listen to one single thing?
*(February is pretty much the beginning of spring here.)
Then, three weeks ago, this second molar on the left with the temporary filling started hurting like hell right out of nowhere. I must have bitten down on something or maybe a cold drink hit it. Who the hell knew? All I knew was that I had this excruciating, throbbing, hot pain one the whole left side of my face. It was rough. The tooth had never hurt until now, but I guess it had just reached the point of no return. Little second left molar was screaming in my ear. I can stand a lot, but this was too much. At times, the pain seem’d to abate or lessen. I tried Tylenol. It helped a little, but the throbbing throbbed on. I called to reschedule the appointment with the root canal people. “We can’t work you in until late next week.” I was thinking, “Yeah, thanks, bitch.” Of course I didn’t dare say that though. I was nice and wrote down the time and day. The pain radiated on down to the neck. One night I was almost to the end of the rope. This one puny tooth had me still awake one night about two A.M. The later it got, the more it hurt. Eureka! My dad has some pain killer stashed somewhere, I thought. I found it in the pantry; Oxycodon, that’s a real good narcotic prescription drug! So I popped one of them and was out in about twenty minutes. No pain, no nothing. Luckily, this was on a Friday, so I didn’t have to get up the next morning. Good thing, for I didn’t even roll over until about ten. I was out.
A nice opiate sewed it up right,
The ravel’d and torn sleeve of care.
The poppy defeats tooth’s might;
I’d not ever before known such despair!
My appointment was at 9:00 this morning. So that means I had to leave by 7:30; so that means I had to get up at 6:00 because I had to e-mail some stuff to someone that I’d promised on yesterday. And drink coffee a while, etc. Alright, I get to the Albany “endoscopic surgeon” just on time. Of course they have to do X-rays and such. Fill out some forms. Some questions. The doctor went to Loyola. I don’t know why that’s important, but her degree had the motto “Maiestas Maiora Dei” on it. That’s pretty. I wanted a root canal after I met this doctor. She was so kind and so gentle that I was completely relaxed. Her assistant was rubbing my shoulder during the local anesthetic, the needle in the gums. I had never had this kind of dental treatment. It was like a spa or something. The only downer was that I got my hair caught somehow when she was reclining me back in the chair. So they have this cool system where the X-rays come up on a computer screen and can be viewed. I got to see all that right along with the doctor. So she’s plotting out the length of the tooth and all this. She takes a look and mentions that she need to prod around and see what going on because the now-eight-month-old temporary filling looks funny. She looks all down in there for a few minutes and decides that the tooth can’t be saved. The temporary filling fell out! I think I knew that somehow this might happen beforehand. It was “rotten to the core,” literally. She said I needed to try to get in at my regular dentist today if possible since this tooth could easily become infected. She put in a temporary filling…where have we heard that before. The only thing is is that my dentist is in another town forty miles away. I asked if there was another dentist close by who might could get me in today. So they call a colleague down the street.
A prescient mind I have not,
A good imagination perhaps,
At least to know a tooth might rot;
But how my logic did lapse.
Dr. Smith down the street, a “maxillary and dental surgeon” can take me. I drive down there, but by this time the local anesthetic has had the effect of making the entire left side of my face numb as well as somehow affecting my vocal cords. So I really can’t talk clear. I kept putting “nt” sounds in words. Odd. Another few forms to sign and fill out. Another X-ray. I think I may be glowing. This doctor has this X-ray machine that looks like something out of Star Wars that one stands in while a plate rotates around your head all the while making a cool, spacey sound and takes a panoramic view of all the teeth. Then I wait a while longer. The doctor comes in and asks a few questions. He leaves. I’m reading plaques on the walls here too. Looks like he was a Navy dentist at some point. His plaque says “Facilitas Ad Marem.” I’m not too sure about this, “Easiness at sea,” “Good-naturedness to sea?” Whatever. He brings in the anesthetist and says that they will need to put me to sleep since my teeth have really long roots. Who knew? Ok, so I’m here, the tooth has to go, and I can’t put it off. BUT . . . but I have to pay FIRST! I guess they’ve had some experience with bad accounts. Pull out the plastic. They do an IV drip for the anesthesia. I’m out cold in no time. I wake up; however later it was, I don’t know. The good thing was that my pants weren’t pulled down and the nurses weren’t laughing when I woke up. The tooth came out in four pieces. My mouth’s full of gauze. I fell back asleep. The dental intern with a red beard came in and asked me if I was OK. I was just like let me sit here another minute. They told me not to drive anywhere just yet, and I agreed that this was a good idea.
Damn you puny tooth!
Now I’m $900 in the hole;
O tell to me sooth,
How might I this day thole?
I had an idea. I’ll call my best friend. I can get him to take me over to his house where I can hang out a while. I get him on the phone. He’s on his way to quote some jobs. I’m like please come get me. He’s like Ok but you’ll just have to ride around with me. Fine. He wants to go to Wendy’s. For Chrissakes! I’m starving so I ordered a hamburger although I had no idea how I’d eat it. As we were riding from one place to the next, I began to come around and ate the hamburger over the course of an hour. Well, while we were riding around, this guy who’s building a new racetrack in town calls and asks my friend if he wants to bring his car out to the track and try it out. HA! My friend races super late models, the highest class of dirt track cars. But two weeks ago, he got the crap knocked out of him when racing down in Brunswick. The front end of the car got hit by some kid who came from the bottom of the track to the top and hit the left front. It bent the frame, and it’s not yet been fixed. So he looks at me. I too have a car. I built it four years ago. But I ran out of money. Mine’s much less sophisticated, more of a stock car. A ’78 Camaro with a full cage and x-braced chassis and Chrysler leaf springs and Chevy engine bored out to 0.60 over and all that fun stuff. The car’s ready to go pretty much and has been. Last year, I let my friend race it a time or two at the local asphalt track. Our deal was that he get me a rear-end gear. All good. But, I’ve never driven it. So, as much as I wanted to just go lay down somewhere, I agreed that we’d take my car out to the track and let him drive it. When you let someone else drive your racecar, it’s kind of letting some other dude sleep with your own girlfriend or wife (or perhaps even boyfriend!). That sounds strange, but when you work on one of the damn things so long, it’s like your baby. So we get out there and he goes out. It’s just a ¼ mile track, so you’re not on the gas long. Fun stuff. The only thing is that the car’s rear brakes have never worked well. All front brakes. All front brakes causes a hellacious push on corner entry. Then you get back in the gas on exit and it gets loose. I just watched all this go on. It was fun to see the old car actually being driven. It wasn’t like we were there to set a track record, just a test day, so he just drove it the best he could.
My jaw began to throb again,
Another dude was in my car!
Around the little track he did spin,
I hoped the paint he would not mar.
For some reason, I began to feel better. The guy building the track wanted to drive too. I thought he’d not wreck since he’s actually got some driving experience. He goes out, makes a few laps, and drives pretty smooth. While I’m watching this, I start to think that I ought to just get in my own car and try it out. It is, after all, my car. The anesthesia’s worn off. We're right here. This is a good opportunity. He pulls in. I get in. I had to borrow a too-small helmet and damn if it didn’t pull my hair when I was putting it on. I finally got it so there wasn’t tension on my strands. One hitch. My friend put a clutchless transmission in the car when he raced it. Here’s the modus operandi of that devil – Crank the car. Put it in gear. To get it going in first, push the clutch in at the same time as you give it gas. Stay in first till you gain speed, then with the clutch still pushed in, shift to second, release clutch. Sounds easy. But it’s so backwards. I got it after two stall-outs. Wow! I had a good time. I haven’t driven a racecar in five years and I’m inept at it anyway, but just playing around with it was a blast. I didn’t want to come it. I just kept making laps and trying different lines. I spun it around on the front straightaway once. That’s always fun. So I got my fill of it. How ridiculous to have built a racecar and not to have even driven it one time until today. Racing’s like doing crack, only more dangerous and more expensive.
What’s the point of all this? Here are some potential morals:
Don’t sleep with another guy’s wife but once and only if he gives his permission.
Root canals from hot dentists could be fun.
Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow.
An ounce of prevention might not prevent the need for a pound of cure except in the case of rotten teeth.
The bird builds her nest on the highest roof beams, but the spider lives there too. (???)
A loose racecar’s a fast racecar, unless it’s not.
Red bearded, red headed.
The more the risk, the more the gain.
Wow, Matt, talk about an adventure (most of it painful)! Such odd events leading form one to the next: like many of the movies coming out these days where one strange goal leads to all sorts of weirdness (like 'Little Miss Sunshine').
How long did it take you to write out that email? No spelling errors (well maybe one word 'it' instead on 'in') and well-written.
Thanks for sharing the OT story.
Shawn
PS I notice how you 'just had to' include references to hair (i.e. the times it got pulled).
I don't even know why I wrote all that. Whenever a bunch of disconnected things come together, it's fun to write it out with no regards to trying to make it logical. You just tell it and see what happens. It didn't take too long, an hour? It's fun though. Thanks for reading.
I hope your school year's going well and all the lads and lasses are learning their lessons well that you're teaching.
MB
Here's a link to my blog site with more junk-writing on it if you're interested...
http://ursuluscaruscapillatusque.blogspot.com
Once again, I'm bereft of the ability to express my GRRR8 appreciation of your literary acumen, Matt, nor is my amazement at how men of GRRR8 literary talent pepper their output w/ self-deprecatory critiques diminished. LOL!
Truly remarkable "Kongeegen in Denmark" photo, viewable by your page's end. I wonder if that's located anywhere near my screenwriter friend, Max' ... ALSO, Matt, I thought that we'd be treated to the history of Lupercalia, the ancient pagan Roman high holy day, rife w/ much revelry, which is today, the fifteenth.
Your account of your (mis-) adventure w/t DDS (and raceway) reminded me of the grueling extraction of my own impacted wisdom teeth. You oughta be published in THE NEW YORKER magazine. I'm serious. Lotsa literary giants have appeared in its pages.
Quenyan
NY
Quenyan,
I had to look it up again, but the Kongeegen, or "King's Oak" is located near Jægerspris on Sjælland. I think that's the island where our member Mesmerized lives. It's a beautiful tree, one of the oldest in Europe.
About the Lupercalia, it is indeed today! ;-)
Since you asked...it's a pretty complicated festival. Some say it's associated with the wolf (lupus), or she-wolf who raised Romulus and Remus. The festival ties into fertility rites considering the "Ficus Ruminalis," a certain fig tree that supposedly grew by the Tiber where Romulus and Remus washed up in a basket (doesn't this sound familiar?). As fig tree leaves produce a certain mlky white juice when broken, the association with the tree and a mother's milk are certainly valid. This same tree was supposedly magically transported later to the Forum where it grew alongside a grape vine and olive tree, representing three important Roman crops.
Also, the Greek Pan from Arcadia came to be identified with the Italic deity Faunus over time. In any case either god went about naked, thus the naked runners who went about the streets of Rome beating maidens with goat hide strips. What about the goats though? The goat was sacrificed for Faunus, a woodland diety. Romulus and Remus were rounding up a neighbor's cattle that some cattle thieves had harried off through the backcountry. Remus found the cattle first and made it back to where the goat had been sacrificed. He declared that he as victor should only betake of the roasted goat. The manner of the event survives. Also, a dog was sacrificed, relating to the she-wolf. The flagellation with the hide strips also ties into purification rituals as February is said to be named after "februa" which just means "religious purifications."
There's another cool story about Mark Anthony and Julius Caesar. One Lupercal, Mark Anthony was participating in the naked running around the Palatine and apparently very drunk. He kept telling Caesar he should be emperor and making a big spectacle of things. This was still when Caesar was consul (I think).
This probably sounds about as clear as mud, but one can find the whole thing in Ovid's Fasti (2.267-474) and many other ancient sources. I'm certainly no expert on the rites either. It sounds like it would have been a fun festival though!
Thanks to for the encouragement, but I doubt The New Yorker would want any of my drivel.
Yours, Matt B.
Thanks for that, Matt! It brightened an otherwise thoroughly drab day.
A wonderful story that put a smile on my otherwise drab day. Thanks
Bruce
Zowee! What a story! I had one of those nasty little molars go bad, I had it yanked. $65 for the oral surgeon, and goodbye. For furure reference, Eugenol (Oil of Cloves), applied directly to the affected tooth, is a very potent killer of nerve root pain. Most pharmacies have it available. Much better than Ambesol or Orajel. Kept my sanity until I could get in to see the surgeon. You can also buy temporary filling kits too.
Carol