new thread
I am recently married, and I cut my hair from about shoulder-blade length down to maybe 4 inches or so, and shaved my goatee, for the wedding. I did this because my fiancee/wife felt that it would make for nicer pictures, and she disliked the scratchiness of the beard anyhow. The agreement was that I would stay shaved but could grow my hair back. Now she is pressuring me to get my hair cut, and keep it short. She claims that now that she has seen it she thinks I look mroe handsome with the shorter hair.
I believe there are other factors involved in her desire for me to have short hair; after all I had the long hair throughout our courtship and even up until 2 days before our wedding. She found me quite attractive then, and, of course loved me enough to marry me. I believe the other factors are social. She is filipina, and, there, not only is short hair the absolutely overwhelming norm, but also "fitting in" and not going against societal norms are very highly valued.
So, with all of that background information.. how do you suggest I explain to her why it is so important to me to have long hair? I have tried the same trick she uses on me when I say something aesthetic about her is not that important; ie I said that it is about self image and what I like. She simply dismissed it by agreeing that self image is important and therefore I shoudl prefer to have the shorter (more attractive) hair.
WOW, there's so much that I want to say here... but, I need to proceed w/ tact & diplomacy, as I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings...
First off, I wish you had posted here BEFORE you had given into cutting your hair. Most of us here at MLHH unquestionably advise *against* giving into a spouse's or other family member's request that you cut before a wedding (or other similar formal occasion), exactly because of what has already happened afterward, --- in other words, people who ask you to change something as important about you as your long hair, don't tend to be satisfied with just getting their original request fulfilled... they want you to make more sacrifices for them... and more, and more, and MORE...
You don't need to explain anything to your wife. She originally agreed to you being able to grow your hair back to long again after the wedding, NOW IT'S HER TURN TO PROVE TO YOU THAT SHE'LL KEEP HER END OF THE DEAL!!! You like you hair long. Period! She met you when you had long hair, --- and she knew that this was a part of who you felt you were, and how you felt most comfortable. Period!
Quite frankly, unless she is financially the person in your marriage who is totally supporting the both of you, she has no power over you and no choice in the matter: either she'll get used to the fact that you have every right and capability to grow your hair back, OR..... (I'm sure you can fill in the blank on your own here - lol!!)
Just grow your hair back. No need to explain anything, no need to get her "permission", no need to tell her bedtime stories about it, no need to bring in a translater or mediator... Just grow it back. The fewer words, the better. Just smile and shake your locks as they get longer (which will make you smile even more)!
I'm sorry, I guess that answer didn't have all that much, "tact & diplomacy" in it afterall, now did it? I'll just blame my bluntness as having been passed down from my grandmother's side of the family!
- Ken in San Francisco
HI Merp,
For me and my wife, it comes down to basic respect. Sounds good. Takes work. The issue is respecting your spouse when he/she says they want/need to do something because it's important to them. It doesn't matter much that it's not important to the other.
If my wife tells me she wants to try something, do something because it's important to her, I honor that. She does the same for me.
And beware the old manipulation: if you respected me you would do what I want. Nope. Nobody asks another to give up his/her integrity in the name of respect. That's a contradiction.
Best wishes for you as you work this out. You can do it. It's not easy. We've been working it out for 26 years. It's never done--always a trip!
Bob
Do what you want to do. If she loves you, she wont mind the hair =)
If a girl wants to marry me, she is to accept the fact I have my hair long and want my hair long. I will not cut my hair for another person anymore, whatsoever. If she does not like my long hair, I will not marry her.
Regardless
Been there, done that, stick to your guns. It may be hard at first but its what I had to do and my hair is still long, )mid back) and my wife has learned to live with ith and its been long enough now it has become the norm to her and all the other people we have met or known. It is you, your individuality and thats important to everyone. Be you, its who you are and makes you hapy about your self. Good luck
Some people, if you give them an inch they'll want a yard.
It seems to be common, unfortunately, for women to marry thinking they will change a man, but they seldom succeed. The flip side is that men marry hoping their bride will never change, and she often does. Old words, but true ones.
I think that maybe you were tricked, but you can still call her bluff. She already said you could grow it back, so grow it back. Just calmly repeat her own words back to her. She won't like it, but it is not good to always give in to her.
Robert also spoke very wisely when he said that you have to let each person in a marriage have their say on things that are important to them. That applies here, but their is an even more important principle, and that is having control over your own body.
That way you'll both be happy.
That reminds me of a kid I went to high school with. He had half of his head shaved, and the other half shoulder length.
Nothing to explain. You like long hair, she doesn't. You lived up to your part of the agreement, now she wants more. If she loves you, she won't try to change you.
True love knows no bounds and the person is excepted and loved just as they are. Anything short of this is "faux."
No explaination needed.
Hi Merp, I have the same story as you and the others. My wife didn't want me to grow my hair long and at first she was quite adamant that I continue to have my hair cut regularly and in fact I gave in a couple of times. Then I just skipped one of my next appointments, said nothing, and by the time she noticed my hair was getting longer, I was on my way. At first we had some heated discussions about it, but I tried to keep a cool head. I just said that this is what I want, this is what I like. She finally gave in to the notion that it's just hair and no need to get so upset about it.
You also mentioned that she said, if you were worried about self-image, that you would prefer short hair. Well, beauty is in the eye of the beholder and, although she thinks short hair is more attractive, you have a different view on that, and that's OK. That's the way it should be. She has the right to her opinion and so do you. Stick to your guns, smile and stay non-confrontational.
Bruce
My wife, too, was comfortable in my having shorter hair for our wedding (and to be fair to her I never really had long hair at any point before), but not very supportive in my decision to grow it out.
Finally, after over two years of growing it, she makes (some) positive comments on it or tries to find ways to help me style my hair more in accordance with her tastes (i.e. less poofy). by suggesting products.
If you can refrain from getting major haircuts, it would be better for you (and her) in the long run, give you feel more personal attachment to having long hair.
Scooper said it right when he said to keep the discussions light.
It would help if you could get a few of her aunts and cousins to comment positively on your hair (in her presence) so that she doesn't feel that your hair will be cause for family and community upset.
Ultimately, you just have to be willing to say, "Mahal Kita, but this is my hair and I prefer it longer."
Best of luck.
Shawn (Mr.Crow)
The agreement was that I would stay shaved but could grow my hair back. Now she is pressuring me to get my hair cut, and keep it short.
It's an issue of trust. If she will not honor her word here that is a bad sign.
Simply tell her that you kept your end of the bargain by cutting it before the wedding. Now it is her turn to keep her end of it.
If you let her call the shots on this one, that will set the stage for her to call the shots on every issue for the next forty years. Is that the life you want?
Couples can't vote on disagreements because they will always get a one to one tie. Instead, issues have to be decided by the one who the issue means the most to. When it comes to one's body, that is one of the issues that is most clearly of more concern to that person than to his partner. If you let your partner get away with ruling the roost on issues like this, before long other guys will consider you to be henpecked. Since "image" is the issue here, Is that the reputation you want?
Bill
Tell her you'll cut your hair when she loses x number of pounds or get a boob job or whatever. Then, when the time comes, say, "There. Now you know how it feels," and keep your hair.
No, I know that would never work. Besides, that lays the groundwork for years of argument. As some of the other posters said, she loved you enough to marry you with long hair and agreed to let you grow it back afterwards so she should honour that. If she doesn't she was lying to you, which isn't a great start.
You could also try, "You don't love me any more," every time she mentions the subject.
Be careful. A relationship is like a fine piece of china. You can keep it for fifty years, or you can break it with one careless act.
You can stand up for yourself without attacking your partner or the relationship. A relationship is only as strong as its two parts - the two people in it - and the glue that binds them together. Standing up for yourself without turning on her or the relationship will make you stronger and will thereby make the relationship stronger. That is what you want.
Bill
Merp, often in these situations its not her view at all, its her worrying about what the family will say. People are so wrapped up in what others might think and they fear the notion of having to 'explain' your long hair to others.
You must do what is right for you.
Cheers Dave
This happens a lot. Women know that men are sexier with long hair. Why do the romance novels poetry men with long hair on the covers? It is because well kept long hair is very sexy on a man! Just grow your hair out and tell her that is how it is going to be. I think she will respect you for that, however let her know that the long hair on you head belongs to her and her only. It will work out and untimately she will like it better that way.
jeffrey
Your wife is just being honest with you. You wrote that you had always had long hair since she's known you. She found you attractive with long hair. But now that she's seen you with shorter hair, she finds you even more attractive. Your wife is just being honest with you (which is a cornerstone of a marriage, correct?) You can't fault her for expressing her opinion and telling you that she finds you more attractive with shorter hair.
You loved and respected her enough to cut your hair for the wedding. You should also respect her for being honest with you.
Of course, it's still your decision about what you do with your hair. If you decide to grow it long again, you'll do it being well aware that she finds you more attractive with shorter hair. So there will be no surprises down the road if it becomes an issue in some way.
My wife married me with short hair. She knew that I always had the desire for long hair, so she told me to grow it. My wife does not like long hair on men, but she knew it was something I wanted. I've had waist length hair for about 6 years. I am well aware that my wife would love it if I buzzed my hair tomorrow.
In a marriage, you must always consider your wife's feelings/opinions. That does not mean that you always must follow her wishes, but they should always be considered. If you decide to grow your hair, you must make it clear to her that you took her opinion into consideration. And even though you decided to go ahead and grow it, you love her and support her (and hope she will do the same for you).