new thread
Hello everyone.
This picture shows what I look like as of now (for reference of this post).
About 99% of all the people that sees me enjoys my hair, or not care at all that I am growing out my hair. Only the tiny 1% of all the people (or maybe less) wants me to cut or trim my hair (or do whatever to reduce my length of my hair). Yes, there are people who say trimming is a good idea, or my hair would look better trimmed, but they are actually not requiring me to get one.
You might think that it is easy for me to steer clear or walk away from that <1%, but think again.
My dad falls in that tiny <1% category. He was the one that made me get a trim in February for my cousin's wedding in NC (otherwise, he would not let me go on the plane to North Carolina; my mom considered this extortion). After that, I no longer looked like myself for the next couple of months. My sister thought I looked goofy right after the trim (she's not being rude or anything).
And guess what? He wants to give me another trim, this time, just for the heck of it. He said it just now. He said that my hair is wild-looking and bad. He said that he want me to trim my hair twice a year. When he said the word "trim", I just put on my shoes, left his apartment and walked back to my mom's house (they live two miles apart). Don't worry, my hair was not cut and I still have my mane.
I want to grow out my hair as fast as I can the natural way (no extensions, no wigs, etc) with minimal use of products. I am growing it out to mid-back. Only then, I will not mind a trim, but I am only going to let the pro trim my hair, not my dad, and only at my decision, not my dad's decision.
I have some frizzles where my hair parts from the center of my head (no, frizzles are not split ends; the former occurs on the top of my head, and the latter occurs near the ends of my hair). My mom said that as long as I have long hair, I am going to have some frizzles on the top of my head.
I have almost no split ends (as all the shedding was showing me), and my hair is almost even so trimming is currently not necessary for me. I however, am tempted to cut off the frizzles, but that would only solve the problem for a month or two.
It is true that I find guys with long wavy or curly hair snazzy, but I would have an easier journey growing out my hair (at least around my dad) if my hair was perfectly straight.
Why do my dad have that attitude? Either it has to do with the frizzling hairs or the fact my hair is wavy. The waves in my hair made my dad think my hair is going to grow outward instead of down. Either that, or my frizzles is grabbing my dad's attention, or that my dad takes it for granted that all men have short hair and that long hair is only for women (or maybe long hairs only look good on men if his hair is perfectly straight). Maybe my dad just want to control me.
My mom's and my dad's opinions are out of sync. My mom saids that I have full control over my hair, and that I, and only I have the right to get a trim. She, however, want me to keep my hair neat and combed. My dad, on the other hand, told me that he wants me to get a semi-annual trim. If that is the case, then I may never get the hair I want, and I will not be happy. I am looking forward to the day I can put all my hair in a ponytail, but if I have to get trims like that, that day may never come. Everyone else in my family is pleased with my hair (well almost everyone; my grandma is really forgetting things, and she probably only remember me with short hair). My mom does not see why my hair is bothering my dad.
If I have an ability to speed up my hair growth, I would go for it, providing it is not too risky. If I have at least three wishes I can make, one of my wishes that I have instant mid-back hair that can only be cut under my decision, NOT someone else. For example, it would be impossible for my dad to cut it or make someone else cut it for me.
I will not cut my hair for someone else, and I will grab my shoes and whatever I brought and run away if someone tries to approach me with scissors. If I have to catch a bus, I would take a bus stop some distance away from that person.
I know it is a long post, but it is rather serious. Thanks for taking the time to read this.
Regardless
Why would your father have any say in your hair decisions? You're an adult. Sometimes parents need a little nudge to understand that they don't decide for you any more. Sometimes it has to be a very firm nudge. As to not going to a wedding, I'd be thrilled to have an excuse to avoid one. And funnily enough, my mother refused to take me to her co-worker's wedding, to which I was invited, because I had long hair. The difference is that it happened to me in 1973. You could try telling your father that he's channeling a dead 81 year old woman. That might snap his head back.
Yes, I am 22 years old, and my hair is my hair. Fortunately, I live at my mom's house 95% of the time, and I only go to his apartment for a few hours on some days.
I might say what you said, if he brings it up again (regarding channeling a dead woman), although he might take it as a back-talk.
I told my mom about that, and she said that my hair is my business, not my dad's. My dad needs to learn to mind his own business. Most people, I can walk away. But I cannot effectively walk away from my dad.
Regardless
"But I cannot effectively walk away from my dad."
Parents know that and use it. The moment that he thinks that you can and will walk away, he'll start treating you with the same respect that he would accord any other adult. It's really a very reasonable thing to request.
If you were a child, it might be considered back-talk, but you are not a child. You are a man. Act like one, and exercise the right to speak AS an adult TO other adults. If your father can't handle this, then you really SHOULD walk away from him.
--Val
I will try talking to him over the phone, so I can keep distance at the same time. Thanks for your input.
Regardless
I just have to pipe up here:
I lived at home all through my college years. I'm the youngest child (of four) of a youngest child (of eight). I have first cousins who are old enough to be my parents. So I grew up in a moderately, but staunchly conservative environment. For years and years, it was either keep my hair Bobby Brady-length or risk getting kicked out of the house, which would mean having to get a job (for which, well, I might have to cut my hair) AND pay for college. So I buckled down. Now I'll never know what it's like to be 19 and have long hair. But people do wind up in positions like that. (My mom finally admitted they should've let me grow my hair, by the way; they just couldn't believe it could mean THAT MUCH to me.)
Now, HAVING SAID THAT, I get my hair trimmed a few times a year, just to keep the ends neat. I keep wanting to get my '80s rawk-star bangs back, but I'm lazy and keep putting it off. Right now they just about cover my face, but are a long way from catching up with the rest of my hair. End digression.
Antinous, if a trim means half an inch or just "neaten up" the ends every six months, I'd say that was OK. You're about ready to put your hair in a tail, anyway. But it's your call.
I read your reply, and I am looking forward to putting my hair in my tail, and I will not accept trims from other people. I am the only person who have the right to get a trim or a cut.
A trim on my dad's point of view would be at least three inches off, and would make me not look myself anymore.
Regardless
A trim on my dad's point of view would be at least three inches off, and would make me not look myself anymore.
Oooh--that's different. Carry on!
Sorry for the misattibution in my previous post--I was addressing Regardless, not Antinous. Apologies to both.
Hi, Regardless. My stepfather's animosity toward long hair is probably the reason I hate haircuts. He believed that men should wear "sidewalls" (no hair around ears). It was not until my 40's that I was able to grow my hair out. This should be a warning to fathers against long hair.
TLH
Hi TLH. I do have a step-father as well, and he does not mind my long hair. I live almost full time with my mom. It is when I see my dad that my dad has an attitude. Since February, he did not have an attitude till yesterday. If he keeps it up, I will be spending less and less time with him.
Regardless
Hi Regardless
Your statement above could very well be the case in this situation. (Just a guess on my part of course.) Alas, many parents always think of their children even past the age of 18 as their little ones. I knew a women years ago in her 80's who was still talking to her son in his late 50's as if he were still only a little boy. And he actually obeyed her every command! (This never would have happened had he allowed it to however but he left himself wide-open.) Some parents just cannot let go for whatever reason. They probably can't help it, but it does happen.
On the other hand, it is up to the child, (now of adult age) NOT to allow the parent(s) to continue to lead their lives for them as if they were still 10 year olds. Just a suggestion: Next time your father brings this up, don't even let him get a rise out of you. If possible remain calm, listen and then change the subject completely. If he continues to bring-up the long hair topic keep changing the subject. Perhaps with luck at long last he will finally get the message that he cannot push you around and prevent you from being yourself now that you are an adult. In any event, to give-in sets the stage for your dad to never let up. It takes strength because he is your father, but it is the strength you have within that will set you free of being pestered by this talk.
Hope this is of some help.
Justin~
ps: Your long hair is looking terrific!
Hi Justin. I did get your message. Nevertheless, I live almost all my time at my mom's house, and I only see my dad a few hours per month. I will try your suggestion if he brings it up again.
Regardless
PS. FANIQ is a sport program that may or may not interest you. I sent the invite to ALL people in my address book.
So this means we should let kids do whatever the heck they want, defying what their elders say?
I look at it this way: Under 18, under HIS roof, do as HE says.
If we start letting kids push us around, even with something as "docile" as hair grown, then what comes next. Give a person an inch, they'll typically go for that mile.
It's called discipline people, and there seems to be a large lacking of it. Growing up, my parents enforced rules on me that I didn't care for...the school I went to enforced rules I didn't care for. But I'm a better person for it today because of them.
Once you are of age to get out on your own, you can "show him" however you see fit, and he won't be able to do anything about it. But until then, as he is your parent, and you are his child, well, I gotta side with him.
This guy is over 18, he's 22 (even though he may not look it), so I strongly disagree with you.
If you let yourself be conformed by such rules then that's your problem. Others like to stand up for themselves and this is what makes people better in the end, not 'learning how to be disciplined by authority'. I don't agree you're a better person because you're thinking by this whole "disciplinary action rules supreme" frame of mind. It's this mentality which makes authority harsher than needed on youngsters. Get a grip, seriously.
Your dad just wants to control you. In reality, the choice is yours not his. You have to step up and tell him that you will not cut it otherwise he'll continue controlling your life. Talk to him and tell him that you are not going to cut it. Be serious and do not resort to petty verbal attacks or childish behavior. You are an adult and should be able to make your own decisions. If you are not financially independent, he may have a stronger hold over you but that still shouldn't give him the right to make such decisions for you. Good luck.
Fortunately Chris, I live with my mom 95+% of the time, and I only spend a few hours with my dad per month. I would try talking to him if he brings it up again.
Regardless
Yes, he does. He may also have a negative opinion of your long hair, but it really boils down to one person's desire to control another.
--Val
Agreed. But I spend most of the time at my mom's house, and she does not mind my hair.
Regardless
Fortunately you don't have to live under the same roof with your dad as you mentioned he is in an apartment and you have the luxury of going back to your mom's home who at least is supportive of your hair.Basically you just have to stand your ground and remember that old phrase the next time your dad brings up a trim and that is to "Just Say NO".
Mark
n/t
It's your hair and your choise to grow it out.
Just stand your ground!
I told the people at work, and they said the same thing. It is my choice to grow it out or cut it, and I am growing it out. My hair is not my dad's business.
Regardless
Have you tried explaining to your dad that your hair is going through the awkward stage? Tell him that by trimming it, he's only making it look worse. Only when it comes out of the awkward stage will it start to look much more manageable, especially when you'll be able to ponytail it.
My dad kept trying to convince me to trim my hair when I was groing it out too. Only be ignoring the requests will he let it go. You have to provide disincentives. So next time he starts to talk about your hair, rather than perhaps walking out, just ignore him until he changes topic. Make it a sort of taboo topic. Whenever he talks about it, make your whole demeanor change. That's a more passive way of dealing with the problem than just walking out on him.
Also, you could try telling him that as a parent, his job is to support whatever decisions you make. While he can give you advise otherwise, once it becomes intrusive and annoying, he's crossed the line.
To tell the truth, after the February trim, my dad did not say anything about my hair till now. Then he said "it is time for a trim. You need a trim every six months from now on. Your hair looks very wild and bad." I did say "see you later" when I walked out.
If he brings it up again, I will try explaining what you said, but when I am done explaining, and he still brings it up, then I will go.
The bright side, I am with my mom 98 percent of the time. I have decided that I am going to ignore his commands on my hair, and hope he is going to knock it off.
Regardless
It's a simple fact of life that you can't please everyone. Nor should you try. But I realize it's especially harder when it's your own father. I hope your relationship with him doesn't sour over hair--that'd be truly tragic.
Just realize that his opinions are a reflection of him, and not you. And try to treat him with the same love and respect that any son should give their father--"regardless" of their position on long hair.
Take care, bud.
Eric H.
You have a point, but I also don't see him that often anyway. Yes, it is harder for me to give respect if I feel like I am being bossed around.
Regardless
It's easy to deflect the negativity of strangers and acquaintances but boy it's a lot harder to hear it from family and friends. At least you have the support of 99% and more importantly, your mother. Hang in there Matthew, your hair is lookin' great.
Bruce
Hi Scooper. I am going to hang in there like you said, and I am going to take a break from seeing my dad. I am kind of busy with work and school this fall, anyway.
Regardless
How old are you and with which one do you live or are you funded?
I am 22 years old, and I live with my mom almost full time. I only spend 1-3% of my time with my dad. My mom has no issues with my hair, just my dad.
Regardless
At 22 years of age you are an adult and should stand up to your father - it is absolutely NONE of his business.
You need to learn to take control of your life and now is as good a time as any.
There is no easy way to put this - good that you mother is happy with it but her opinion is irrelevant equally.
Your post clearly brought up a lot of memories for those of us who grew up in the 60s and 70s and were constantly at war with our parents about our hair.
It is interesting to know. I am about to say that my dad is still living in the 1970's (when it is already 2008).
Regardless
My hair is no where near as long as yours but my parents want my hair styled (in more sense trimmed or cut short), it's a pain parents. They wanted my hair styled style this month, but I thankfully pushed it a couple of months to December, so that'll give me time to convince them for good that my hair is fine the way it is.
I hope everything goes well with you and your dad, you look just fine with long hair, in fact you probably look betetr with long hair than you do with short hair :P
Patrick_R
Thanks for the statement Patrick. As for you, at least, you have another option with you hair, that does not require a cut. I live with my mom 98% of my time, and I only see my dad once in a while. I am going for mid-back hair, and I am not going to listen to my dad.
Regardless
OK, I'm getting in on this one late, but I think this needs to be said.
You're and your dad are going though that difficult stage that every child and parent go through that marks the transition between the parent making decisions and the time when the child starts making them. It's a hump to get over. Once you do, you'll both breath a sigh of relief.
Everybody here believes, as I do, that hassling people about hair length is absurd. One way to deal with them and keep long hair is to go out of your way to look good. Everywhere you go, you see women with long hair that people actually admire. It's not just because they're women. It's because the do the grooming thing.
I had a similar situation when I lived at home. The way I dealt with it was to 1) use all the same quality shampoos and conditioners women use until my hair texture was fantastic. I went to a hair stylist who does good work with long hair and started getting regular trims--end mainly. It was just a blunt cut with no bangs, but the cut it so it tapered right and turned under well. They also gave me tips on drying/parting/etc to look best on my face and all.
End result: I wore my hair in an exact same above (then below)shoulders blunt cut style many women did. It actually looked better than most. My parents quit saying much about it. People in public were more accepting, too.
Try harder and you'll win.
Gene
To me, I am going for my goal length as fast as possible, without cheating. My parents are separated, and I live with my mom 98% of the time. So following my dad's rules is pretty much useless. I agree with the fact that hassling with hair length is useless. Most people do not care that I have my hair long. That means they will not make a deal about it. I am going to see how long I can go without seeing my dad. I don't go crazy on hair products. I just keep my hair clean.
Regardless
You don't live with Dad, and you don't rely on him support. It's time to stop the madness, and put his comments out of your misery.
A) Do not listen to Dad.
B) Do not listen to Dad.
C) Do not listen to Dad.
D) Do not listen to Dad.
Etc, etc, etc.
The sooner you put a stop to Dad getting his comments in, the better. If it means physically getting up and walking away from him when he starts, do it! He's probably not going to stop, so you have to get assertive and simply tune out the message. Walk away! Run if you have to...
Thanks Carol. I was just thinking the same thing that you just said. I will go if he brings it up each time.
Regardless