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It seems every time I try to come to my father about something, he brings up my social life. And then he tells me maybe I should cut my hair. I find that ironic considering he had long hair throughout his life, and cut it when he turned 27, when he got married to my mother. It seems as if he sees my hair as a problem.
I'm normally a very quiet person, so I don't talk to many people. Just a moment ago, my dad came and just started talking to me. He started a conversation, and then he started talking about my social life, again. I told him I really don't mind not having a lot of friends, I'm just a quiet person. He said "Maybe you should adapt, and fit in. Then you would talk to more people, maybe you should cut your hair. There aren't any boys with hair as long as yours". This isn't the first time he's not told me that having long hair is a problem.
I used to wear my hair in a ponytail all the time, and one day he approached me and told me to start wearing it down. So, I started wearing it down, all the time. Not because he told me, but because I used to care alot of what people though about me. Wearing my hair down gave me sort of a confidence.
Now it seems as if my father is feeling the opposite. I'm tired of him telling me to cut my hair, and talking about how I look. It's like he sees as cutting my hair as a solution to everything. Every time I try to explain to him that I don't care what people think of me, he tells me to just listen to him. How do I get him to stop talking about my hair? It's really starting to irritate me.
It seems those people who are more extrovert, and used to socialising with others a lot, find introverts very strange. While introverts (like myself) can easily enjoy my own company, others might think i'm feeling lonely or something and give unsolicited advice. Maybe you can explain to your dad that his understanding of "fun" and the benefits of socialising obviously differ from yours?
Tell him that he can't help you until he understand you, and tell him that by ignoring your opinion of your hair, your social life, etc. and just telling you to do what he says, then he's not even trying to understand you. If he really has your best interests at heart, hopefully explaining that to him might help?
The extrovert has no concept of the desire the introvert feels to just be alone by himself. The irony is that the introvert is thrown into a crowd at a party or other social event, he thus appears awkward and shy, automatically others assume he's "depressed," has no friends, needs "help," etc. when all the poor introvert can think of is how nice it would be to be on a long walk all alone or reading a book or listening to music in a little alcove somewhere!
Your dad probably means well, so try to cut him some slack. He wants the best for you, and it sounds like he's one of the people who believes that popularity is a measure of success. There's nothing wrong with not having loads of friends and being the centre of society in school. That might have been what your dad wanted for himself, but it's not necessarily what's right for you. I'd say having a couple of very close, very good friends is much healthier than being "popular" and having loads of shallow friendships. You're also less likely to get into trouble because of peer pressure. Tell him he should be more worried about your grades than how long your hair is or how many friends you have. Ask him what the popular guys on his year in school are doing now. Do they have good jobs, stable families? I'm sure he'd rather you ended up financially stable and happy in ten years time with a few good friends as opposed to being a popular drunk with no money. Another point is that the length of your hair has no relation to how many friends you have. That depends on your personality and getting a haircut won't change that. If you're the type of guy who prefers to stay in your room and read or listen to music, a buzz cut isn't going to suddenly turn you into a party animal. In fact, it's more likely to have the opposite effect, especially if it's done against your will.
Parents don't ever seem to be totally happy with how their kids turn out. They see the world from their own perspective, and while they mean well in most cases, what was right for them may not be right for their kids and at the end of the day, their kids aren't them. They have to be allowed to grow up at their own pace, have their own experiences and make their own mistakes and learn from them.
I agree with you Viking, since my dad has a similar attitude. The major difference is that I only see him very occasionally.
Regardless
I have a similar problem, but for a different reason. My dad thinks my hair is crazy and wild. However, I only spend like 2 percent of my time with him. As for you, go to a remote place, and call your dad on the phone. Try to explain everything to your dad, and be really strict. Threaten him that if he still keeps it up afterward, he will lose the right of seeing you. If your parents are separated, live with your mom, like I do.
Just do not give in to your father's wishes, and do not cut your hair.
Regardless
It sounds to me like your father is worried about you and projecting his own adolescence onto you. Especially since he suggested that you wear it down and now wants you to cut it. Has he been watching crappy TV shows about teen suicide? He might just need some reassurance that you're okay.
Nevermind what he says about your hair,and try making a joke of it sometimes.Works for me,and hopefully is gonna work for you.Peace and good luck :).
Hi Josh,
I'd live your life your way and tell him to get a life!
Cheers,
John.B
Unfortunately Josh, people in the catagory such as your father appear to like to debate and nit-pick about the little things, and yet the BIG PROBLEMS facing the world overlook compleatly all so often.
You might "try" next time he brings up the subject of long hair saying something like this: "Hey Dad, instead of talking about my hair, I'm interested in what your opinion is of the state of the economy right now, and I'ed REALLY like to know if you have ever done anything when you were younger like me to help someone.........you know, like help someone with a disease like Cancer. What was it like to know you were helping someone in need?"
A diversion such as this for all you know may take him very much by surprise and so off-guard that the "Hair subject" may suddenly vanish as he tries to think up these answers.
Just an opinion for what it is worth on a tough situation that can plague so many up and coming longhairs by their parents.
Justin~
But with all respect...
World problems are not a true father's main concern. A father's biggest concern are his children. I'm a father and there is nothing more important in my life than my son and his well-being.
This father, justified or not, seems to be concerned by his son's lack of friends. A person can only base things on their own experience, which I'm sure this father is. His concern is great enough that he is talking about with his son and trying to come up with suggestions. Forget about the minor detail of hair length....this father is showing his love and concern. And he's trying to do it in a gentle way (He's not coming in and yelling, etc., at the son.)
Remember that his father had long hair, so he does have real personal experience to share.
I would look at this in a positive way....You know that your father is concerned. And he's trying to find a way to help. He means no harm...in fact, just the opposite. Be thankful you have a caring father!
With all do respect:
If you say so.
TBH, I can see what he's saying. *My* dad would just say "Get a haircut" and that would be the end of it.
Not quite sure what my dad would say. He's deceased.
It doesn't matter how many friends you have Josh, it matters that the friends you have like you for who you are not how long your hair is or isn't. True freinds aren't going to judge you based on shallow opinions, but the kind of person you are. Believe me, there are plenty of shorthairs that have the same shyness and feel awkward talking to people. Hell, I was one of them growing up. You'll grow out of it and once your in uni or out on your own, your whole world will open up. It has zero to do about hair!
Bruce
If all of the below is true and correct, you might want to use it as a response to his annoying queries regarding your so-called "social life", or lack thereof.
"You had long hair my age, how was your social life? Did your hair have anything to do with your social life when you had it long? Do you really think it effects mine? Do you regret not cutting your hair as a teen, thinking you missed out somehow on a "social life"? Because you may have had/may not have had regrets, you think I will? I am not you, you cannot relive your life vicariously through me. If cutting my hair = "social life", is the "social life" worth having superficial people as friends, who wouldn't befriend me had I worn long hair?" Emphasize that you don't care if not many others are wearing their hair long, the few friends you have accept you for who you are, and you are quite content with where you are now; but you will be sure to come to him if you don't feel the same in the future. If you have good grades and stay out of trouble both at school and in society, you could try this reasoning; "My grades are good, I don't drink, I don't do drugs, the school hasn't called you regarding me, I am doing everything right to be a good kid. So why would you want me to increase my social circle and therefore increase my exposure to peer pressure and popular conformity? Why can't you just let me be myself, and be grateful that I am not the kid with the shorter hair and large social circle impregnating girls, doing drugs, running with gangs, failing in school, disrespecting and talking back to my elders, etc? Are you the least bit proud of anything I do, or is it so important that I socialize more, and thus expose myself to outside influences that don't have my best interests in mind?
I have never "adapted" or "fit in", and I never will. So bravo to you if you want to be a non-conformist rather than a mindless drone. You are already rocking the boat and making a statement regarding your hair. You need to be firm with your dad that this is one area that he is just NOT going to win with you. And as long as you are being a good kid in every other way, he needs to lay off on the hair issue. I was the quiet kid with a small circle of friends. None of were part of the "popular" crowd, and we weren't troublemakers or headaches for our parents. My parents went through plenty of rebellious teens, my mom said I was a breeze to deal with. I have always been both quiet and fiercely independent. I see this trait a lot among longhairs, they are very independent-minded individuals, and are not typically social butterflies. It's better to have a few friends that you value, than a lot of friends who are just that in name only.
Dad needs a wake-up call. He's not only barking up the wrong tree, he's apparently doing it for all the wrong reasons. To this day, I still have clueless people who can't mind their own beeswax, saying that I spend too much time alone, I need to get out and socialize more. There is this crazy dichotomy where you are either social, or you are not right because you are not. Too much emphasis is placed on social activity, but I don't see people being any more happy about their social engagements. I think the whole social game is highly overated. I am far happier not dealing with the cattyness, backstabbing and gossipping that goes on in a typical social circle. I don't miss it in the least. :-P
If all of the below is true and correct, you might want to use it as a response to his annoying queries regarding your so-called "social life", or lack thereof.
"You had long hair my age, how was your social life? Did your hair have anything to do with your social life when you had it long? Do you really think it effects mine? Do you regret not cutting your hair as a teen, thinking you missed out somehow on a "social life"? Because you may have had/may not have had regrets, you think I will? I am not you, you cannot relive your life vicariously through me. If cutting my hair = "social life", is the "social life" worth having superficial people as friends, who wouldn't befriend me had I worn long hair?" Emphasize that you don't care if not many others are wearing their hair long, the few friends you have accept you for who you are, and you are quite content with where you are now; but you will be sure to come to him if you don't feel the same in the future.
If you have good grades and stay out of trouble both at school and in society, you could try this reasoning; "My grades are good, I don't drink, I don't do drugs, the school hasn't called you regarding me, I am doing everything right to be a good kid. So why would you want me to increase my social circle and therefore increase my exposure to peer pressure and popular conformity? Why can't you just let me be myself, and be grateful that I am not the kid with the shorter hair and large social circle impregnating girls, doing drugs, running with gangs, failing in school, disrespecting and talking back to my elders, etc? Are you the least bit proud of anything I do, or is it so important that I socialize more, and thus expose myself to outside influences that don't have my best interests in mind?
I have never "adapted" or "fit in", and I never will. So bravo to you if you want to be a non-conformist rather than a mindless drone. You are already rocking the boat and making a statement regarding your hair. You need to be firm with your dad that this is one area that he is just NOT going to win with you. And as long as you are being a good kid in every other way, he needs to lay off on the hair issue. I was the quiet kid with a small circle of friends. None of were part of the "popular" crowd, and we weren't troublemakers or headaches for our parents. My parents went through plenty of rebellious teens, my mom said I was a breeze to deal with. I have always been both quiet and fiercely independent. I see this trait a lot among longhairs, they are very independent-minded individuals, and are not typically social butterflies. It's better to have a few friends that you value, than a lot of friends who are just that in name only.
Dad needs a wake-up call. He's not only barking up the wrong tree, he's apparently doing it for all the wrong reasons. To this day, I still have clueless people who can't mind their own beeswax, saying that I spend too much time alone, I need to get out and socialize more. There is this crazy dichotomy where you are either social, or you are not right because you are not. Too much emphasis is placed on social activity, but I don't see people being any more happy about their social engagements. I think the whole social game is highly overated. I am far happier not dealing with the cattyness, backstabbing and gossipping that goes on in a typical social circle. I don't miss it in the least. :-P
All good, valid points.
You often find that the social butterfly types are overcompensating for loneliness. They stay out partying because they don't want to go home to an empty house and most of their friends are superficial. I'd rather have a few good friends who I could spend quality time with and who would be there when I needed them instead of having lots of acquantances who wouldn't notice or miss me if I wasn't out partying with them.
I had the very same problem with my father, and I even have now when I shortened my hair for 10 cm, dammitt !
You just take good care of your hair and shorten it only if it needs trimming. As for shortening it for the sake of someone's favor and caprices, just no....
Parents are funny like that. They care about you deeply, but they care about you from the persepctive of what they deem important. It's not any certain parent's fault; it's more of a human condition wherein it is impossible to truly escape one's self.
Your dad seems to be remembering things from his socialization and assuming that they now apply to you. Maybe they do, maybe they don't. If you're truly doing your own thing and have no other issues that might make your dad think you need his help and advice, then I'd say he's projecting his fears about not being social enough in his own life on to you.
Most of us respect our parents, but sometimes we have to take their advice with a grain of salt. I learned this eventually, and it made my life much easier after that. When you realize that they are human too, and when you realy listen to what they might try to pass off to you as "advice" isn't so much at all, sometimes you realize you just can't take it because it doesn't even help or apply to what's really going on.
And, think about this. It's not really the hair, but that's the easiest target for your dad. If it wasn't that, it would be the next easiest thing -- yur messy room, the type music you listen to, too much computer time, etc. etc.
It seems every time I try to come to my father about something, he brings up my social life. And then he tells me maybe I should cut my hair....How do I get him to stop talking about my hair? It's really starting to irritate me.
Boy, this is a hard one. (Well, for me, anyway.) Lots of great suggestions have been made here already, so I'm probably just piling on, but here goes:
I've normally been pretty introverted too and just had a few friends (though a few "scenes" have opened up to me lately), so maybe it's a matter of projection on your dad's part--I dunno. My folks appreciated the upside to my introverted ways but still had major trouble with me wanting to grow my hair. Maybe next time he brings it up up you should ask him about his experience having had long hair; dudes with long hair have had thrust upon them a reputation as outcasts, and maybe he's trying to make sure you avoid being, well, cast out. Did he feel like an outcast when he had long hair? Did "adapting" work for him? Point out that you followed a suggestion of his already and it worked out for you. (Of course, maybe that's the problem.) Point out that you do value his opinion overall--otherwise you wouldn't be coming to him. Remind him that you're going to have to live with all this in a way that he doesn't. Maybe you'll just have to accept it as "one of those things"--no biggie, eh? Just don't let it get in the way of the rest of your relationship. DON'T do what I did, which is clam up and walk away whenever my dad brought it up. DON'T surrender yourself--it generally doesn't work out (as you can see all around you these days).
In any event, whatever happens, especially if it comes down to you having to put your foot down about it, I wish you the best.
Compared to my father (who under no circumstances whatsoever would allow me or my 4 brothers to have long hair while living under his roof), your dad sounds like a very kind and loving parent, --- just concerned in an odd sort of way.... and coming to even odder conclusions!
I've found that as I've matured as a human being (which some friends of mine would even question as having ever happened - LOL), that I am at my very happiest when I am most busy pursuing my natural interests, and the hobbies that give me the most personal satisfaction or meaning in life. Sometimes these hobbies or interests lead to joining a social group of some kind (like when I took up partner dancing when I was in my early 20s, which I love to go out and do to this very day, and get to see many friends whenever I do). But, conversely, some hobbies or interests are more solitary (like my interst in photography, --- another thing which I started getting into in my early 20s, and still do whenever I find the time). And even more interestingly, some interests or hobbies can sometimes lead to a profession (I both cook for a living, and also still have some gardening clients, --- the first is quite hectic and social; the latter is more quiet & solitary, yet still something I love to do as well).
The next time your dad brings up the topic of your hair, --- which seems to be always linked with his concern over your social life, for whatever reason --- see if you can steer the conversation AWAY from hair (which, in my opinion, has nothing to do with one's social life)... Talk to him about your interests and/or hobbies, --- and share with him whatever it is that makes you happiest. You can even tell him about MLHH, and how you enjoy coming here, and that you are getting to know other longhaired guys, because you feel you have something in common.
Also, if it helps any for me to say this additional comment: within the main group of people I go out with and socialize with (fellow C&W dancers), I am usually the only longhair in the crowd, --- and yet, it does not inhibit me one bit from feeling a sense of "belonging" to the group! I absolutely love my dance friends, short-haired as they are (lol) --- just feel that they are missing out on life a bit by not growing their hair out longer (LOL)....
Take care, --- and good luck with your talks with your dad!
- Ken in San Francisco
That's a difficult situation, it's good you stand your ground until now. The argument he uses is not correct, having not many friends is just how you are and has nothing to do with your hair.
When you get older you maybe get to know more people.
I've haven't got many good friends either and used to be very shy.
The older I get the better this gets, but that has nothing to do with my hair.