new thread
I was just thinking today of a topic of interest to me: Compromise. Human existence doesn't sail along very smoothly without it, --- whether it be between 2 large & powerful countries, or just between 2 individuals. But, in specifically thinking about the issue of compromise as it relates to long hair on men, I was wondering where others here might draw that famous, "line in the sand" re. whether or not anyone has the right to ask us longhairs to alter anything about ourselves.
To illustrate my point in this thread, and my question to others, I'll use the following fictitious example:
Pretend that I was just asked to be a close friend's Best Man at his upcoming wedding (easy for me to imagine, since I've been a best man on several occasions during my lifetime - LOL).... If the Groom-to-be were to request specific changes in my appearance, changes that go considerably beyond my usual "norm", how far would I be willing to compromise?
Here's my own examples of how I'd answer the above question:
1) If I was asked to braid my hair instead of bun it for the wedding day, I would comply, --- because I have no objection to either braids or buns (they are both equally good ways to contain long hair, and I like doing either one)!
2) If I was asked to tie my hair back into a ponytail, rather than wear it down (or, if the request was visa-versa)... again, I would probably feel no hesitation in wanting to make my friend happy by following through on his preference for how I wear my hair on his "Big Day", --- as long as he did NOT ask me to cut it!
3) If I was asked to cut my hair in order to be his Best Man at his wedding, this is where I draw the line... I would absolutely NOT do so, --- in fact, I'd tell him to go find another "best man!"
It's all about what's most important to us, what we hold dear, and what feels like rightfully a part of our own identitiy that should NOT be compromised, --- and recognizing when someone is plainly asking just too much out of us...
Everybody is different. For some, even being asked to wear a suit & tie to an event like a wedding is asking too much! (As far as myself goes, although I'm not crazy about those damn "monkey suits", to me, clothes are not a big deal, either way, --- so, I don't see it as any sort of difficult "sacrifice" for me to comply with wearing one.)
As many have said here before, "a wedding lasts only one day; but, growing one's hair out takes YEARS!!"
Braids, buns, segmented ponytails, --- hell, even a Beehive hairdo! --- whatever makes someone happy (as long as their request doesn't make me UNhappy)... i MIGHT even go so far as to agree to trimming off an inch to remove split ends (since I tend to like to do this, anyway - lol); but, ask me to cut off more than one tiny little inch... And, "them's FIGHTING' WORDS!!!"
- Ken in San Francisco
Hi Ken,
You certainly have a very good point there and well argued and I don't think alot of people could differ with you opinion.
Just remember if her day is not "perfect" she'll have big stomp about it anyway and of course the have to spend thousands just for that perfect day!
Cheers,
John.B
LOL, no truer words have beeen said about that, John!
One summer I worked part-time for a wedding photographer, a friend of mine and regular dance partner who felt she needed an "assistant" at the weddings and receptions that she was photographing. It was fascinating to observe how different folks handled their "Big Day", the majority of the brides it seemed were too busy micro-managing and stressing over all the little things that could (and did) go wrong.
One exceptionally serene and beautiful bride stands out in my mind as the exception to the above rule... She was very young (at the oldest, my guess would be 21 max), and came from a VERY disfuntional family: her mother & father being divorced and hating each other, the mother showed up at the church in a black mini-skirt, chain-smoking and a nervous wreck; her father showed up already drunk, with new girl friend in tow, later giving a slurry-speeched toast to the bride & groom. The bride had 2 younger brothers, --- the older one as gay as a goose (lol); the younger one a longhaired rocker-type. But, you could tell that her brothers really looked up to her, because she more or less held that family together. EVERYTHING that could go wrong, did go wrong; and yet, the bride was unphased! She just radiated beauty, calmness, and poise. She probably knew well ahead of time that nothing would go "perfect", so she just, "rolled with the punches", --- and when she did the traditional first dance with her young hubby, she actually looked totally relaxed and having a good time!
Conversely, that summer I also witnessed a bride that was truly The Bitch from Hell... She was in her 50s, was on her 3rd marriage, and was such a control-freak that by the end of the day she was sweating and screaming at people and looking like her make up belonged more fitting to a scarey Halloween costume than to a so-called "beautiful" bride --- YUCK!!!
Nice to hear from you, John!
- Ken
This is a great story, Ken! It sounds like the basis of a short story.
Hi Ken,
That's a great thought provoking post for a Sunday morning!LOL.I like things such as this to pop up on the board occasionally just to see what other guys thought processes are like.For myself I would be in total agreement with you as I would style my hair anyway the groom might suggest as actually it might even be cool looking back at photos showing my hair braided or such at that moment in time.However a suggestion to chop off my hair crosses the line and would say to me that they think I look horrible with longhair otherwise they would have never suggested it.My thought then would be OK then ask all the bridesmaids to shave their heads as well so we can all look alike hairwise.You know got to be consistant here.LOL.Obviously that would not happen so its not like if they said OK we'll do that then I'd be locked into getting a haircut.But that kind of illustrates my point.I will never compromise my hair for a wedding,job,or anything else as longhair has been a part of me so long now.
Hope you are off today Ken relaxing for a change as you are working much too hard lately my friend:)Looking forward to hearing from you again.
Mark
Thanks, Mark! I wrote it while I was still in "late Saturday night mood", since I think I posted it around 12:30 or 1AM (lol), --- so, that explains it being "thought provoking" (LOL)!!
Yes, I agree with your comments, especially about short-haired minds not even thinking about what a sacrifice it would be to cut off what took YEARS to grow. Society in general wouldn't dare think of asking a female to sacrifice her long hair for a one-day event such as a wedding (not to also mention sacrificing long hair for a job); and yet it seems that the average person in today's society doesn't think twice about asking a male to make that kind of sacrifice... Go figure!!
The next time I get asked to cut off my hair for some stupid reason, I hope I have the guts to say something like this: "Oh, yeah, sure, --- what a GREAT idea, why didn't I think of that before! It only took me 8 and1/2 years to grow it this long, so no problem... Say, speaking of making a sacrifice for this wedding: you don't *really* need your balls anymore, do you?"
- Ken
Ken, you just reminded me of something:
Dave Stewart (not the Eurythmics guy, but also a British rock musician of once fairly avant-garde tendencies) once wrote about an ancestor of a fellow musician, "allegedly, a nonconformist of bohemian appearance, who, when confronted with uncouth yells of "get your hair cut' in the street, would retort with 'get your throat cut!'"
My Myspace page
A very understandable reaction you describe here, Panurge, --- I don't blame him for saying that (lol)!!
- Ken
The thing I noticed about your examples were the ones you agreed to were temporary things, while the one you refused is a (not-quite) permanent change.
I can handle temporary changes for others, like wearing my hair tailed or braided for work, but the only permanent changes will be by my choice.
I just experienced this exact scenario: Best Man in best friend's wedding - he asked me to "maybe clean it up a little."
I did, and still regret it.
That said, the main difference is that I've only been growing my hair out for 8 months. I got a tiny trim - only an angry inch - but because my hair isn't all that long yet, it made a real difference in volume and shape.
I only agreed because I'm still in the awkward phase, and the request was not unreasonable.
However, if my hair could have been pulled into a ponytail (almost!!) it would have been a completely different story.
I lost a few months. To ask someone to lose a year or more is absolutely unreasonable.
Hi lifobryan,
I agree with all of your points, --- very well stated!
Some interesting things happen as your hair passes a certain point in both time & length (somewhere around shoulder-length, when you can fully tie it all back into a ponytail:
1) People will be less likely to ask you to cut your hair (probably because by the time they see that your hair has actually made it that far, they'll realize that you are indeed, "serious" about wanting it long)...
2) YOU will be less likely to want to cooperate with any sort of outside pressure to give in to cutting your hair...
3) In exact proportion to however long your hair gets, in that proportion will you find it TOTALLY ABSURD that anyone would even DARE ask you to cut!!!!
It becomes even an unconscious thing (even to most people who WISH you'd cut your hair)... The majority of folks will finally simply back off re. the subject of you cutting your hair back to short. Although there might be a few "die-hards", in general, trust me: the longer your hair gets, THE MORE YOUR HAIR WILL ULTIMATELY DO THE SPEAKING FOR YOU!!!!
Happy growing, --- and my best to you!!
- Ken in San Francisco
Heh...an inch or two...I'd do that...I mean, it grows back in a month or few.
More than that? Nope.
The goatee, though? I shaved it recently by request...happily, the requester didn't like it any more than I did. So it is well on its way back to normality.
I don't find any need to be rude or unpleasant about it...OK, that's I lie, I kicked a passenger who wouldn't let it go off my bus one time.
But if a "friend" was annoyingly persistent, I'd probably just start drifting away from them.
Well said, style is not problem to change because it's only temponary. A cut is a problem because it can take years to grow back.
Yes, absolutely, --- and not only that; but, also... if someone gives into another person's willful pressure to do something that they really & truly don't want to do, then what will happen is something WORSE: deep regret, resulting in resentment!!!!!!!
Generally-speaking, the longer it took to grow the hair, the deeper the regret will be that the longhair gave into the pressure to cut it... God help any short-haired guy that might be idiotic enough to successfully convince a mega-longhair to cut off his mane!!!
- Ken
If someone were to ask you to CUT your hair for their wedding...Would you really feel like their "best man?"
Kind of like saying..."you can be my best friend IF etc. etc."
There's something to be said for appreciating who a person is, and being happy they're happy. =) It'll show in the pictures believe me. =P Would you rather have a happy long haired best man, or a grumpy shorter haired best man?
Just a few thoughts...
Tristram