new thread
Hi all of you,
First of all, I love your site altough I feel a bit out of place being a women but I do have long hair ;-)
The story I want to tell here is not about me.
It's my boyfriends.
My boyfriend has grown his hair for 12 years.
Five years ago he separated the mother of his kids, she was dating somebody else and he left to live with his sister.
From there he wanted to get a new place, he was paying his childsupport and had the kids every other weekend at his sisters house.
After about six months he came to the old appartment to collect the kids and found a big mess, police and childprotection serviceagents who wanted to take the kids. Before he had picked the kids up downstairs at the appartmentbuilding, he didn't know anything about the situation inside the appartment. Mom failed big time and left with her new boyfriend leaving 2 kids, 2 dogs, 17 cats 6 birds and tons of litter.
Later we found out she left a lot of unpaid bills and debts to.
To make a long story short, he was given a change by CPS to clean the appartment and make it "liveable" within 48 hours. He made it and got the kids, shortly after that I came around and now we are 4 years further on. Still we are fighting for custody for the children. Instead of checking mom, my boyfriend was checked by CPS and he had to prove his ability to be a parent, over and over again. Meanwhile mom has another child with the new boyfriend, nobody seams to care. The kids end up in hospital 3 times when they are under moms supervision, nobody seams to care. They nearly drown and again, nobody seams to care. We still have to give the kids to mom every other weekend, that would be ok, if it was safe, but it isn't. Seeing my boyfriend struggle made me so angry. In an attempt to help him, I got to talk to a socialworker who suggested that he had more chance in court if he would cut his hair. There's no way my love is gonna cut his hair, the only way he would go short is if he gets bold. He stands for who he is and I'm so proud of him, this is exactly what I told that person. It seems that having long hair is a criminal act while, in fact, the real crime (read childabuse) goes unattended.
We'll keep on fighting for the kids and for the rights of men (in particular, dads) with long hair. In fact my oldest son and my boyfriends youngest son have long hair and are proud of it! You'd probably see them around here when they get a bit older and learn englisch.
I'd love to hear reactions from other dads or couples how they got trough this. Please don't cut but fight for your rights!
Love,
Danielle
Hi Danielle,
This is one of the most common and worst form of discrimination against men. The courts, especially in conservative states like mine, Texas, almost always side with the mother. Long hair may or may not have anything to do with it.
My prayers are with you and yours. Don't give up the fight for what is right.
TLH
Welcome Danielle, you have lovely hair.
There is always someone who thinks that long hair speaks badly of one's character and while it's true you may get the same reaction in a court of law, it not necessarily the case. First thing, make sure you go to court with adequate legal counsel. Second, having not given in to cutting his hair, go to court in the best monkey suit your money can buy. I think that being well dressed says more about character than length of hair.
Good luck!
Bruce
With all due respect, I have to wonder if this is a well-crafted troll.
I think that there is extreme bias against dads in custody disputes, regardless of what they look like.
IME judges don't care about long hair, but they are impressed by a suit and tie. Around here only the lawyers wear a suit and tie, and anyone else who dresses that way in court makes a big impression. A haircut, OTOH, just makes you look like everyone else who comes before them. Not that I've ever been in a family law court, I'm happy to say, just traffic court.
Social workers, on the other hand, scare the holy cr*p out of me! In some ways they have more power than judges and police put together, but know far less about the law and are far less impartial.
No real advice on your situation, sorry. That's one kind of experience I hope never to get.
I realise that is good advice, forget the haircut and save up to buy a really good suit.
This is a really horrible story and I hope it sorts itself out. It's totally ridiculous that the social worker suggested such a thing! What does long hair say about a person?!
I wish him good luck and that he will win custody.
Some people just don't deserve to have children at all :(
Shawn
I have more advice.
You see, despite never having been in a family court I have defended myself on more traffic tickets than I can count, so I have more advice about appearing in court that might perhaps help in a custody hearing? I am a habitual speeder, one of those people who thinks everyone else is going too slow, but I have never yet lost my licence.
OK, I already said wear a suit and tie. The suit part maybe applies to you as well if you have to appear. I guess they may want to see you, but I don't know how that works.
Hair of course needs to be clean and combed, but beyond that I honestly don't believe it is an issue. With waist length hair and a good suit and tie I stand out from all the other people who, frankly, seem to dress like 'bums' for their day in court. I don't know why they do this, it puzzles me?
Nearly all the people who appear in court don't know what to call the judge. I always say 'your honour'. I don't know if that is correct in the particular traffic courts I have appeared in, but I do know the judges like it! Most people say 'sir' or I suppose 'madam' when it is a woman, but 'your honor' sounds better, LOL!
Next, research the law that affects your case. Even if you have a lawyer this is never wasted. It is very important to know what factors are actually being used in the decision, to help you give your best statement to the court.
One of the reasons it is important to know the law is that judges hate listening to anything that is legally irrelevant. They also hate to hear any 'excuse' for something that is not a valid legal excuse, and there aren't too many of those. In your context I would say that if your BF has been required to do something and hasn't done it, be very careful about what excuses you give, as most of them will just annoy the judge.
OTOH, I have heard that family courts often ignore some of the finer points of the law and concentrate completely on the 'best interests of the child'. You have to build a case why it is in the best interests of your BF's kids to stay with him and not go with their mother, and do that using reasons that the law actually recognises, not merely anything that comes into your head, which again is another reason to know the law.
I would guess that you should be able to use previous neglect and/or abuse by the mother, not so much directly, but mainly to stress the FUTURE DANGER to the kids if they go with her. Best interest is about the future, not the past, but the past can be used to guesstimate the future.
Don't rely completely on a lawyer if you have one, although getting one is a good idea.
All that said, there is a long history everywhere of bias in favour of the mother, and that is what you have to overcome.
I am not a lawyer and this is not legal advice. In fact I haven't mentionned any specific law because I don't know it! You should know the law, not just your lawyer. Now is a good time for you to hit the law books.
Hi Danielle,
Me and my wife stayed in family court from Feb. 2000 to Nov. 2006 against her ex.
During all that time I never got a haircut, I vaguely remember somebody suggesting it once.
I won against an assault charge (he started it!) and eventually he signed over his rights.
(It's weird now that the court is NOT involved we all get along fine. When we see them now, we act like old friends.)
Elektros is right, dress nice, stand proud, respect the judge, the hair will not be an issue. If he is at all worried about it, pull it back and braid it.
Most everybody else will be dressed in work clothes, I never have figured that one out.
Good luck,
Paul
Just trying to figure out this avatar pic thing.
Your issue is really a CPS issue. Trying to deal with Child Protective Services can be a living hell, especially if you are not up to the caseworkers standards. Did he have a place of his own with adequate bedrooms for the kids to go to? I don't get why CPS made him responsible for cleaning up the mom's apt. By rights, he should have physical custody relinquished to him, and he should have been able to take them home to HIS place. CPS is one agency that somehow is able to act above the law, and parents and caregivers have fought back legally to get them out of their private affairs.
They tend to overstep their boundaries, and often get away with things that police and law enforcement would be in huge trouble doing. Your BF needs to break the CPS involvement cycle, and get them off his back. He shouldn't have to go to court and prove diddly-squat; it is the burden of CPS to prove they have any reason to impact his parental rights. If he has done all he could, and has never been criminally charged regarding the care of the kids, CPS has no business being involved.
Please visit http://groups.google.com/group/alt.support.child-protective-services/topics?lnk=srg&hl=en. You can also access this group on USENET using a reader such as Outlook Express, if you have USENET access. You are looking for a man named Dan Sullivan who is a regular poster there. I have referred others to Dan, he is a incredilbe source of info and advice on fighting CPS. He will tell you and your BF exactly what you both need to do to sever the CPS apron strings once and for all. He has succesfully fought, and won, against CPS himself. And has helped thousands fight back and win too.
It is absolutely amazing the discriminatory and invasive practices that CPS uses, that any other agency would be unable to use without citation. I refered a mom with Autism trying to get CPS off of her back, after obtaining custody of her kids. Since 2 of the kids also had Autism, the CPS caseworkers kept questioing her ability to parent, though they had NO charges filed crinminally against her. Dan helped this lady to finally get CPS out of the family's life. Your BF's hair should not be an issue, that is typical CPS bullsh*t to keep them in control. They get lots of federal funding, per child, and once the money from Uncle Sam comes in, they will fabricate lies and make excuses to keep these kids on the CPS roles.
Post what you posted here, give Dan whatever info he asks, he'll guide you on what to do. Tell BF not to cut hair, follow what others advise about showing up in court neatly dressed. Don't wear hair loose in court. Tie it back neatly in a tail or braid, so the focus is not on hair length.
My brother has physical custody of his 3 kids from his ex-wife. So it is possible for dad to get primary physical custody, sadly much harder to control when/how kids see the non-custodial parent. My brother has had issues with the fact that CPS did not do enough, regarding his ex. While with their mom, they were frequently unsupervised. As a result, my niece was sexually abused by her grandfather, and later by a teenage step-brother. My brother got a good lawyer to restrict his ex's visitations, and require certain things be in place for the kids to stay with her. So another thing you need is a family court lawyer who deals regularly with CPS cases.
Good luck to you and your BF.