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My family's discontent about my hair is growing every day and I start to listen to some comments I kinda never expected to hear.For example, "either you cut it or go live on your own", or from my elder brother "one day I may get really pissed if you don't cut it", or "you are really ugly to watch"...
So, now, having been faced not only with their dislike but with threatenings as well, I've started for the first time to take some serious moves into consideration: e.g. to go somewhere else and live and earn money on my own...
...because I am 22 now and am finishing the 3rd year of college! Only one more year of my official schooling (and the so-called 'master degree' year, the '5th' year, which is a matter of choice) and I'm freaking done with school forever. Being near to my own bread anyway, I believe I don't deserve to be treated like a toddler, and I especially think I don't need 'you are a monster' comments.
In order not to suffer the b****t any longer, and at the same time not wanting to cut my hair, I've decided to tell to my parents I'll live on my own by translating books and holding private classes (I am a student of English language). I believe I will succeed it doing so before the bigger trouble occurrs.
I will not cut the hair I fought for for so long because of someane's poor beauty tastes. I think most of you'll say I'm right. But (!) for the sake of calming them down and lessening the colective anger, I'm also thinking of cutting it and letting it grow again after I've gone away when I finish my 4th year of studies. That's idea I personally don't favor as much as I do the first one, yet it seems to be more diplomatic.
What do you think I should do now?
Hi Nikola,
I've seen your story many times here and certainly its a tough decision trying to balance keeping the family happy to, more importantly, keeping yourself happy.Really, I never understand it when family takes such a hard line position of your having longhair.It isn't like you are doing something worse such as taking drugs.Possibly they are thinking you having longhair will hold you back professionally but that's not always the case.Anyway I think if you want your hair long then they should respect that and just drop the subject but some people just don't know when to quit.Good luck my friend as I do hope you stand your ground:)
Cheers
Mark
Lets look at the situation. If I remember your one post correctly you live in Serbia so finding work and living on your own may be a challenge. If you have friends who are working and going to school maybe you all could come together and pool your resources to get a place to live. As your written English is very very good you may be able to make some money helping other students learn. English, since it is increasingly popular in Central Europe with more countries in the EU and English being a common second language for everybody.
I would explore options for getting out of your parents house before you give in. I see the issue as less to do with hair and more to do with control, their control over you. If your options don't look good then you may have to cut it to keep peace until you are out on your own, your young enough you still have lots of time to grow out your hair. Most important right now is get as much education as you can and don't let the hair issue distract you from that. Often working a lot to live on your own and going to school is so much that you stress out and the grades go down and you don't want that.
As angry as your family makes you take a deep breath and think about all the details and prioritize. As we say over here you have to pick your battles because you can't win them all so win the important ones. I say school is more important than showing your family who's boss, you can do that after graduation by letting it grow as long as possible.
Good Luck
Kevin
n/t
Hey there!
I just can't believe peoples views on longhair sometimes. I mean with all the things people do in this world, how growing your hair long is a bad thing I'll never know. You sound like your doing really well with your schooling. You think this would be enough for your family.
I say keep your hair and chill out at home while you can. I mean its your family they'll get used to it. I can't seem them forming a mob in the middle of the night and sheering your head.
Hope it works out for ya!
"...I'm also thinking of cutting it and letting it grow again after I've gone away when I finish my 4th year of studies. That's idea I personally don't favor as much as I do the first one, yet it seems to be more diplomatic..."
It always saddens me when someone relays a story like yours where parents put the "hair issue" above their relationship with their children causing irreparable damage to the family. In my opinion good parenting should encourage experimentation (as long as it is moral and legal).
Your priority should be education and if your family is supporting you (emotionally and financially); you may want to take the diplomatic route. Doing so, you will be taking the more mature and adult position.
Good Luck and let us know how things work out.
Walter
Nobody can tell you exactly what's best to do, not even us. Having said that, though, --- and having lived through a similar situation like that when I was your age myself --- I can only add that I think that Kevin's comments, as well as Walter White Tail's, are both very wise and practical advise.
I left home at age 18 for the very same reason as you're considering leaving your parent's home right now. My dad was impossible to reason with, and he and my step-mom were going through divorce during the one and only year I went off to college.
The fact that I left home in order to go into the workforce early eventually turned out to be that I never finished my college education. I would GLADLY have finished my degree, --- and if I had done so, would probably be making more $$$ than I currently do as an adult. I have a good job now, --- one that I like very much, and feel paid decently. But, it has been a long, hard road for me to get there (my age is 55 now).
Tough choices. And, in my opinion, VERY unfair. Either way that your story turns out, though, I applaud you for handling a difficult situation as maturely as possible.
My best to you!
- Ken in San Francisco
Here is something else to think about: is it just about the hair? That is, is your family's discontent with you growing your hair a symptom of something else going on? Maybe they resent your independence of mind. Maybe they are jealous of your success in school. We don't like to think that our own family members would feel like this, but they often do. Usually, such comments as you have stated are a backlash against some sense of hurt or misunderstanding on the part of the speaker. It could be about control, or resentment that your youth and potential is not theirs, or any number of things.
Others have given good advice, but my take is to truly assert your maturity through the way you deal with your family situation. Take the higher ground and refuse to become embroiled in name-calling or back-biting, a war of snide remarks. As such, you prove who is really the adult, who realizes that your hair is just that, your hair, not an indicator or symbol of subversion, disrespect for authority, etc. Also, your education is very important, so if I were you, I would do whatever best guaranteed finishing your schooling with success. This is a hard choice. But it could be as easy as finding out why your family is angry at your hair.
.
"Here is something else to think about: is it just about the hair? That is, is your family's discontent with you growing your hair a symptom of something else going on? Maybe they resent your independence of mind. Maybe they are jealous of your success in school."
Well, there's a grain of truth in that as well, e.g. my elder brother is three years older than me, yet he can't seem to finish his 3rd college year. Like you said, I wouldn't like to believe it is his latent jealousy that stimulates his anger against me and my hairstyle, but I often find that you're actually right.
Me being a pacifist and not a bloodshed-monger, I try to restrain from any potential conflict and quarrell. Somewhere in my mind, I still hope my "bread for stone" philosophy and letting the things go will eventually put an end to the misunderstanding and if they won't agree with my ideas, oh well, they will at least stop grumbling and criticizing me for my freedom. There won't be long until I've started living on my own anyway.
If you don't set limits now, they'll treat you like a five-year old for the rest of your life. Personally, I'd rather live in a refrigerator box than deal with people who are supposed to care about me treating me like a servant.
I know it's a very difficult situation and I think that Kevin and Matt have come up with some good advice there.
Cheers,
John.B
Personally, I would do nothing, i.e. continue to suffer the comments but don't cut the hair, but that's just me.
Hi!
I can't really tell you what to do, but I can tell you: My family took a hard line, and they came to regret it, simply because they came to realize that it wasn't worth the grief expended over something I wanted THAT MUCH. Tell your family that and maybe they'll understand.
BTW, do you ever tail it? Maybe that'll help. (Is it long enough to tail?)
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