new thread
Mostly for all the newbies, here's a updated list of my favorite hair retorts. It includes some excellent responses from other members of this board.
"Get a haircut"
"What's a haircut?"
"I was thinking about getting one until I saw what yours looked like."
"Which one? This one? That one?"
"Get a face lift."
"Get a life."
"Right after you cut your nose hairs."
"Worry about you own damn hair."
"I got one... 4 years ago."
"Damn, I knew I was supposed to do something, NOT!"
"Give me $20." (If they actually give you money, don't cut it... you just asked for money.)
"I just shaved my _____, does that count?"
"What are you... the damn fashion police?"
"Have you ever said anything that wasn't... stupid?"
"What is this thing you speak of... haircut?"
"I was once like you... then I got a life." (Ok, you could use that one for a lot of things.)
"If I do I'll avoid whatever idiot cut your hair."
"I couldn't wear mine that long."
"That's right! Long hair ain't for sissys."
"It's true, only real men can have long hair."
"If you grew your hair, you might be cool... like me."
"Why? Are the hair police on the prowl again?"
"Yeah, a**holes aren't allowed to wear their hair long."
"Why do you want/have long hair?"
"So my head don't look like squirrel nuts." Especially if they have a buzz.
"Your mom likes to run her fingers through it."
"So I can be cool like _____" Insert favorite longhair's name.
"I don't have long hair, you're having a hallucination."
"Long??? This ain't long, I was still planning on growing it another foot or two!!"
"The cowardly lion had longhair."
"Gollum had longhair." It's true, he just didn't have a lot of 'em.
"The voices keep telling me to grow it out." With a sinister grin.
"So I won't look like those kids that shot up the school." (Just making a point, it's true.)
"That's what happens when you don't cut it" said slowly, like you're talking to a small child.
"I think it's wrong for a man to have longhair."
"Who asked you." Simple and to the point.
"Really? I've been thinking about growing mine out." Best if your hair is already mid-back or longer.
"So did Hitler, Stalin, Mao, Kim Sung" or choose your favorite communist dictator.
"Then I'm glad your opinion doesn't count."
"I thought you were a girl"
"Ever get your eyes checked?"
"Do they have any girls on your planet?"
"Ain't been around many girls, huh?
"Uhh, buddy you need to feel again."
"You must run with some pretty ugly women"
"What? The beard didn't give you a clue?"
"But I am a girl, I work for the circus. I'm the The Bearded Lady!"
"I thought you were a girl" when you're at the urinal. (Yeah, it happened to me.)
"So you know a lot of girls who use the urinal?"
"Does this look like a girl?" (you know what to do next.)
"Fag"
"Your not my type buddy."
"No, sorry. Keep your hands to yourself and we'll be fine."
"Most homosexuals have short hair... like you."
"Longhair is gay"
"Why ain't yours long then?"
"Hair is gay? Hair has no sexual preference."
"That's an ignorant statement."
"Does that mean you're attracted to me?"
"But your dad doesn't have long hair."
"I don't like long hair on men." from a woman
"But your daughter does."
"Oh, you're just jealous that my hair is prettier than yours."
"And your opinion matters to me... why??"
"You're NOT the woman I'm trying to impress"
"I'm not a man... I'm a lesbian." (Followed with a wink).
"I don't like long hair on men." from a short haired woman
"I have to wear it long... to make up for all these women with short hair."
"Oh... I'm sorry, hows the chemo going?" (Yeah, that's pretty mean, snicker.)
"This ain't the 60's"
"Wow, really? I gotta check the batteries in my watch..."
"Yeah, I thought there would be a vaccination for you by now."
"What are you, a fashion Nazi?"
"It ain't the dark ages either, buddy."
"Hippie!"
"Hippies are pacifist, I am not a pacifist." Crack your knuckles.
"Groovy! Thanks for noticing... MAN!" Give 'em the peace sign.
"No dumb*ss, I'm a Viking... like DUH!"
"No, I'm a (your actual job here)"
"I'm not old enough to know what that is, apparently you are."
"I'm wearing a 9mm... not a peace sign." Just be careful with that one.
"Hippie? Is that the best you can do? Come back when you're worthy!"
"If I'm a hippie what does that make you, a fascist pig?"
"At least I'm not a... Loser!" L sign on the forehead.
"The bible says it's a shame."
"How many pictures do you have of Jesus?".
"Did you read the next verse? The church nor God has any rule about it."
If it's a short haired church lady, "It also says, 'A woman's hair is her glory'."
"The Bible also tells you not to eat pork... have you eaten any bacon for breakfast recently?"
"More people in the bible had long hair than short." (It's good if you can name some as well, Jesus (probably), John the Baptist, Samson, Samuel, Absalom, etc.)
"What about the Nazarites? God wanted them to grow theirs."
"Short hair was a Roman tradition, not a Christian one."
"God has longhair!" Who knows, it may be true!
Hope everybody enjoyed these, feel free to use them as your own.
Paul
It's Only Hair
Bwahahahaha I really enjoyed reading that, Paul. I can't stop laughing at some of those!
Now I have to memorize them all...
Nah. Don't try to memorize them all, just remember the gist. Something original will come to you on it's on.
Paul
These crack me up. thanks for sharing. I've actually told guys with shaved heads that they make good looking chemo patients.
Good one, I'm gonna use that one next time I crack on a shaved headed friend!
"How the chemo going?" LOl
Paul
Paul, Cool questions and replies. When I get asked, Why don't you cut your hair? I usually reply. It's easier and cheaper to just let it grow! Usually get a puzzled sneer out of this one!
peace, jonalbear
Lol, They just can't believe it can they?
Paul
The bearded lady one made me bust up laughing! Bookmarked!
Yeah, it's great but I can't claim that one. I forgot who, but another hyperboard member came up with it.
Paul
Very nice!
Can't wait until I can actually use some of these!!
I got one for the "why do you have long hair" one:
"I wanna look like my idol Jesus!" (then smile really big and innocent-like)
Thanks for the compliment Dio. But it's not true, I just got a bad attitude.
Hell yeah!!! And it's even better wearing a black tee shirt with skulls one it. Hehe.
Paul
The best diplomacy, still, is to walk away in silence as you never know how the other side will react at the retort. What if he/she learns nothing and asks you to keep explaining? Any reply is just a waste of breathe, but that's just me...
This can work but I have no problem in being rude to them - those that are stupid enough to mistake me for a woman get both barrels, those who are just plain rude get whatever - and certainly one or two of Paul's can join the repertoire!
If someone criticised your clothes you would say something - hair is just the same.
... And have a fight with someone because he was an idle, pathetic immitation of a human who commented on my hair? How immature would that be?
If someone called my mother a whore though... I'd make them beg me to accept their dearest apologies. You know what method I'm refering to...
Another problem is family violence. As eagerly as I would fight with my elder brother for his offending my hairstyle, there would be numerous consequences to arise that I wouldn't like, among others arrest (what sympathy would the police have if I explained them it wasn't me who started it?). So, yes, diplomacy does prove to be an intelligent move, as occasionally it is safer when wisdom prevails over instincts.
If it were someone I'm not related to, though, and if it were something as grave as demeaning the people I love most, I'd make him check how bad my feet smell.
": If someone criticised your clothes you would say something - hair is just the same."
I am not emotionally tied to my clothes so I wouldn't get offended anyway.
The issue is not about "diplomacy", but of recognizing to what degree someone has been genuinely rude. Rudeness, in whatever form, doesn't deserve "diplomacy": it deserves being called exactly what it is!
Exactly what one should say or not say as a response, however, is best left to an individual's sense of intuition at that moment. To memorize certain prepared one-liners might be fun to consider; but, there are way too many variables that will happen in real life at the time of an anti-longhair slur actually occurring to make it a safer to quietly take a mini-second to THINK, first, before being too quick to open one's mouth to reply...
But, then, if one's "gut feeling" says it's appropriate to do so, VERBALLY BLAST THE BLOODY DAYLIGHTS OUTTA THEM!!!!!!!
By nature, in real life I'm known by most of my closest friends and family to be usually very polite and courteous towards all. But, everyone who knows me well also knows that I have quite a MOUTH on me when I really need to use it, --- including a very sharp forked-tongue towards anybody who doesn't know appropriate social "boundaries", and is fool enough to think that I would just passively allow someone to verbally step on me like a door mat. My sarcasm usually quickly takes care of most idiots of this nature; but, in extreme cases, ripping them a new asshole just might be the order of the day!!
"Otherwise"... Yes, diplomacy is a wonderful thing!
- Ken in San Francisco
Eloquent Ken, simply eloquent.
Paul
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Quite right Nikola!!! And that's why I wake up every day and thank the almighty that I am not a diplomat! Whoohoo!!! Thank you God for giving me a pair!!!
(Actually I grew my own pair after years of dealing with bullies. At my school you either learned to defend yourself or get the hell beat out of you.)
I hope you realize, I do use a lot of tact in any "discussion" I get in; I let the other person set the rules, I always give them an "out" and I never ever kick anybody after I knocked them down, figurative or physical, that's just bad manners.
As for them learning something, well... that's exactly why I respond! So they will learn something. Your silence, in their twisted minds, means they've won, they whipped your butt and you went crawling off while they bask in their own self indulgent glory. Being ripped a new a**hole. on the other hand, is certainly a learning experience. It's funny too.
The trick is not to go too far. I don't want them to hate me, I want them to understand what they're doing is wrong. Tit for tat. The only wasted breath is all the stuff you wished you had said later.
From what you've posted before I think your brother has tainted your confidence. When are your going to finally snap and bloody his damn nose?
Paul
Yeah, i hate when that happens. Whether I just didn't want to deal with it then or couldn't come up with anything at the moment(luckly now we have a list) i always end up like a minude later thinking "Damn, i should have said that!"
It's weird theres about 60% of my school with "long"(dumass surfer/skater hair) and about 10% with actual long hair but we still get s**t for it all the time so I've had time to think of smartass things to say (now all the bald rednecks just think Im a smartass... ohwell)
Oh, and I've figured out that if you call someone with a shaved head bald instead of shaved they get pissed. :)
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one of our super long haired users. Hair Religion posts infrequently but he has some great responses as well. Some are quite amusing. He has absolutely gorgeous hair. (See link)
Take a look, Paul. See how many you share in common. Long hair forever.
Scott
http://hairreligion.tripod.com/sick.htm
Thanks Scott, I probably should have posted a link to his responses.
I just realized, my list is bigger. Whoops, was that testosterone talking? Lol, just kidding.
Paul
I have a suggested comeback for people who think that you are selfish if you don't donate your hair to Locks of Love.
"If it is that important to you, why don't you grow your hair long to donate it. You should get started right away!"
Bruce
Yes, good one!!! The whole "Locks of Love" scenario is something I completely overlooked. It hasn't happened to me yet.
Good catch Bruce!
Paul
"Hippie!"
"Where?" (confused look)
(dirty look, then turn back and hold your hands up to your face)"let me smoke my weed in peace"
"Get a haircut!"
"I did...(find a single hair, the longer the better) I got this one cut yesterday"
"Gimme a couple years to think about it"
"Girl's are supposed to have long hair"
"There supposed to have noses too, is that a problem for you?"
Strangers that you'll never see again are the most fun
"I thought you were a girl"
--"So did I once" (stare blankly into their eyes until they walk away)
"Men shouldn't have long hair"
--"I knowwwwww, its completely disgusting"
or if some stranger comes up to you staring at your hair before they even start just say
"Yes i have long hair, its real, I'm not going to donate it, you can't touch it, your opinion doesn't matter, have a good day :)"
this usually works and confuses the hell out of those people if you time it right.
have fun making people look like idiots.
Oh yeah!!! I love these!!!
All these are awesome Jarvis, but the "Nuclear Bomb" on your list, the one that knocked my socks off, the one so dead on is the last one;
"Yes i have long hair, its real, I'm not going to donate it, you can't touch it, your opinion doesn't matter, have a good day :)" ROTFL!!!
Classic!!!
Paul
Thanks (you and Angel). Like I've said in some other posts i live around a bunch of redneck hair-nazis and have been growing for 29 months so theres plenty of time to think these up.
All that and good genes, my dad and uncle think up incredibly funny things on the spot constantly.
Jarvis,
All of yours are great, but I agree with Paul, your last one is classic.
Angel
Good post. Some of them gave me a good laugh.
Damn! I forgot one; Conan had longhair!
Paul
He even pulled off bangs with long hair. Few men can make that work.
Thanks Paul, there were amazing, some of which I've never heard, much less used before.
Be SAFE, Be WELL - - PEACE To ALL. . .
-Lone Wolf
This is my take on it:
I'll tell you what - - if I get a Hair-Cut then only YOU win. But if YOU get a personality, then we BOTH win! -Lone Wolf
Thanks for sharin' your list Paul, I'll be happy to share some of those with the Hair Haters. L.o.L.!
Lol!!! That's another classic that I have to add to the list. It's at least as good as the one's I already have.
Awesome.
Paul
Great thread Paul lots of good points and lots of laughs.
Kevin
Hey Prez, I'm glad you liked them.
Paul
How about :
"Go away trimmers...I'm feeling ill"!!!
Those damn trimmers.
I meet them irl all the time, ya' know? Not many down here who just want to see how long it will grow.
Paul
I always bring up the fact that if God wanted men to have short hair, he would have built it into their genetic code. Terminal length for head hair varies, but is typically measured in feet, as opposed to body and pubic hair, which is measured in inches, or less. Proof that God could, if He would have wanted to, limit a man's hair length. So, a quick comeback could be along the lines of, "If God wanted it short, He would have programmed it into my genes: my head hair wouldn't be much longer than my pubic hair, kinda like yours! That's what Nature teaches us."
Add this to the list -
When some fool says to you: GET A HAIR CUT!
Reply with: GET YOUR THROAT CUT!
Duncan
Lots of great replies.
My usual reply is a simple "No, thank you".
Thanks for the laugh Paul, that was great.
Here's one (said to an employee):
"How would your manager feel about you if he found out that he was losing customers because of you?"
my own response to an unsolicited opinion (like on my hair) is, "if I cared about your opinion, I would have asked for it."
For the Christian longhairs here, and for people who make remarks such as "In the bible it says it's shameful to have long hair", here is a contradictory argument straight from the bible.
"Everything is permissible for me"—but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible for me"—but I will not be mastered by anything. Corinthians 6:12.
Even though the remark stating that longhair is shameful unto men is in the same book, I think that Paul was speaking towards the Corinthians, and not to every person. But it says right there everything is permissible from me but not everything is beneficial.
Plus remember some people in the bible who had longhair such as Samson? In the bible his long hair gave him strength. It reads he even tore a lion open with his bare hands. When someone cut his hair he lost his strength.
Plus God wanted the Nazarites to grow out their hair.
Hopefully these things were helpful,
Best wishes,
Josh
I didn't mean just Christian longhairs, I meant for everyone. I thought Christian longhairs would find those interesting though, that's why I posted that statement.
Sorry for any misconceptions.
Oh yes it's quite interesting to see the different interpretations of the "good book"!
Cheers,
John.B