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How do I convince my parents to let me grow my hair?
Hi, Brett!
I speak from experience here, but the best way to let your parents grow your hair is just stop getting hair cuts and accept whatever punishment they give you. Once they see that you won't get your hair cut, they'll back off.
Chris
Thanks chris. I'm not letting them cut my hair, but I am ready to accept any punishment they might come up with. I'm almost 17 and I'll look the way I want. They say that as long as I'm living under their house I will follow their rules, but I really don't see how the way you look can be a rule . I just hope they enjoy having power over me cause in a little over a year, they wont whatsoever :)
ask them why they don't want you to have long hair. Usually there isn't a good reason for them to want your hair short.
If it's because they think that long hair is feminine, ask them why jesus, rock stars who have more women than anyone else, the founding fathers all had/have long hair.
If they think lang hair is evil, again go to the jesus thing.
If its because long hair is "dirty", then why arent any of your relatives (man or woman) who have long hair dirty
If they think men aren't supposed to have long hair, then why are we able to grow it?
anything else they come up with post it up here and we'll help you out
As a matter of fact, there is no convincing. The reason why (well, at least if I'm not wrong) you and all of us grow long hair is because we LIKE it that way! And liking isn't a rational argument, but irrational - and therefore there is no justifying it with rational explanations. Your one telling "I like long hair" can prevail over ALL the "rational" arguments for having it short, such as "you'd look more decent", you're not a Jesus", "You're not a rockstar", and yadda yadda...
I actually think irrationality plays such an important role in duscussions over one's appearance that even the justifications for having hair short are, in the long run, based upon their not liking your style; i.e. it's not that they think you'd have much less effort with maintaining short hair, it's that they think you're ugly as a longhair, but they won't tell you... Which, as bitter as it sounds, gave me even more motivation to persist in growing my hair, as I will not lower all what I have striven for because I'm ugly to somebody (and stupider yet - ugly to SOMEBODY, not to all - that is, even though there actually are people who like me the way I am and support my cause).
The question is whether you want to be the slave of others' "benevolent" and "utopian" ideas, or to be the free master of your own world, imperfect as it is. Just remember that slavery is always slavery, no matter how brilliant the idols may seem. Though beliefs can be imposed, the happiness of believing cannot. Implying your authority to deem beautiful what you think of as beautiful can and must go beyond the suggestions of mass media, commercials, peers, etc. Or otherwise it is not you who enjoy, it is the likeable-to-masses phantom of yourself who enjoys, and the very you are still disatisfied.
You don't. And the more you talk about it and bring it to their attention the worse.
But, you could "try" this and see what happens:
Do NOT say another word and just let your hair start to grow. When they finally say something agree, drag your feet a little and just get a "slight" trim. Little by little you may be able to work your way up to some lenght. Just no more fighting with parents.
No offence Justin, but I wouldn't do this. You never know if your parents happened to talk with the barber before hand. See "sad longhair story" thread. Even if you dont think your parents would do something like that, the fact that they don't like your long hair might be enough.
I agree...don't wanna think about my pal...:(
-Andrea
Justin,
There could be some very strong reasons (nb: I didn't say good) why your parents don't like long hair on men. Depending on the way your parents were raised, long hair on men could be a sign of rebellion, bad upbringing, a religious statement, et cetera. If they feel so strongly about long hair, you growing it out anyway will achieve your goals - but potentially at the cost of your relationship with them.
I'm sure that talking seems like a waste of time, but there are a few angles that you can take - and keep in mind that just by engaging in the conversation, you're sending the very clear message that you respect where they're coming from (an important consideration when talking to any authority).
- Find out why they think long hair is bad, and then explain how you are growing out your hair for your own reasons and not to spite them
- Explain why you want to grow your hair out - even if its just 'because I like the way it looks', it gives them something to replace whatever ill reason they want to attribute to you.
- Tell them that this is not some passing fad
- Point out the areas in your life that you're already responsible for (school/car/bills/work/whatever) - this is another responsibility that you're assuming: your own image. Build a case for them to see how you are ready for and understand this responsibility and its potential consequences.
In the end, I am running from the basic premise that your parents have a reasonable right to make decisions for you while you're in their care. And how you look reflects on them, their values and upbringing. You can break from all of that - you have free will after all - but be very careful about if/how you do that. The cost of having long hair shouldn't be something you look back at with regret for having acted imprudently or uncharitably.
Peace,
Father M
Hi "Father M"
Think you've got the wrong guy. My parents have been deceased now close to 20 years.
Justin~
Sorry Justin! I meant to address this to Brett.
- Father M
I have to agree fully with Father M. Talk to them and explain why you want to grow it and find out why they have a bad opinion of it.
Then grow it out anyway.
Paul
But the parents don't need to explain. He's under 18, which makes him their responsibility. He's a minor. He's living under their roof. When he turns 18, he can move on his own, and carry his looks however he chooses. Until then, I have to side with the parents. When I was a lad, I wanted to stay up late every night, but my folks enforced a bed time for me. Did I think it was fair? Of course not. Did I do it? Yeah, because I knew better than to disobey them. By giving this kid advice of "talk to them, then defy them", is counter productive. All he does is alienate himself from his parents.
To be perfectly frank, parents should not have to be forced to be "politically correct" where their child / children are concerned. I'm not saying lock them in a closet every day, but setting boundaries for them (yes that includes what the parents feel should be proper dress and appearance), they won't be thrust in a world where they will believe that simply "doing it anyway" will be acceptable.
Now on the other hand, if he's willing to pay the bills, house note, etc., then I'm sure they will be more than happy to let his hair grow as long as he wants. In the end however, it's their say. And no, that doesn't make the parents fascists, nazi's, or discriminatory. It just means that he'll have to wait until he's 18 and on his own to do whatever his free will desires.
I agree with Paul. No matter if he's under 18,jeez,it's just growing his hair long,it's nothing too extreme. His parents are too strict as many parents I know. (Luckily not mine)
-Andrea
I doubt you're either a longhair or a parent. I am both, I have 5 kids living under my roof they all do well in school and never get in trouble.
My boys (4) all have longhair. Well, except the baby. When your kids want to be like you then not only are you a good parent but also a good role model.
Only my daughter ever wants to cut her hair. She's a daddy's girl and she knows I don't want her to cut it. But, I have let her cut it before after she asked for a week or so. Fortunately she didn't want it cut too short.
If one of my boys wants to cut his hair, which I expect sooner or later, he will have to wait as well. After a week or so and I'm sure he is really set on it then he can get it cut. Same thing if any of them want to dye it blue.
This "child" in question is 17. I think he's quite old enough to expect his parents to say something other than, "because I said so".
I think it's his parents who should worry about alienating the relationship with their kid. You might make your kids follow your rules but you cannot control who they are. You cannot force them to change their personality.
And "politically correct" did you say? Lol, now I know you don't have kids! Maybe you have a book written by someone else who doesn't have kids! It's not being "politically correct", it's how to not be a fascist parent.
I am perfectly willing to stop and explain each and every rule I make, I have no bullsh*t rules in my house. Results? Happy, well adjusted, confident, independent and sensible kids. They can talk to me about anything.
I really hope you're not a parent and if you are, I feel sorry for your kids. Next time you post something "lurker" make sure you don't have your head up your butt before you open your mouth. You just pop up from nowhere to set me straight about parenting not realizing I am an excellent parent. Lol! (Oh, even my mother-in-law who doesn't like me said so.)
Proud Parent, (and here's the link if you don't believe it)
Paul
(JohnB, your opinion? Troll maybe?)
It's Only Hair
well, Im not John, but I call bulls**t.
Come on the board just to say respect your parents (which I don't see how not cutting hair is disrespect, if anything your respecting their money and not wasting it on cutting something that will be back in a month :) ).
On top of that, the word hair was not used once in the post, now theres some UVALee that Ive never heard on the board. I think I may know, if they are parents, whose parents they may be... Just a hunch
It reminds me of the ranting employer I saw on here before who "had no problem with long hair, but wouldnt hire someone with longhair because of his longhair"
Being that Im not a parent, I'm 16 in my parents house, you can take my opinion for whatever you want.
Theres also alot worse that Brett could do. Its not like he's going out getting tattoos and peircings and other things to "mutilate" his body. He isnt joining riots in the streets and puting himself in danger, he is doing something that is natural, more natural that what is happening now.
ohh, and like the site paul, but the link to the "code of conduct" doesnt work anymore, do you know if there is a new one, or if they just took it down completely. liked the others though, especially the ones that show why its wrong to have long hair.
You said it my friend.
Thanks for the info about the link I'll check it out.
This might be "you know who's" parents, good insight. Lol
Paul
Paul you've hit the nail on the head. I could not agree more with your post.
Some parents (my own included) loved shoving their irrational "ideal" opinions on their children. This is very different from setting important boundaries to protect your children. Nobody likes to have someone else's personal views shoved down their throat.
Kids are not stupid; they will know when they are being treated unfairly. The only reason I ever argued with my parents was about hair length. All it would end up in was a bout of shouting and animosity, and for what purpose? It only served to show me that I was being suppressed unfairly. I knew it was a stupid opinion yet there was nothing I could do about it. It only forced me apart from them.
Sorry, dad, your great parenting didn't work. I'm growing my hair out anyway, and you can't do a damn thing about it.
-Dan
PS: Thank you Paul, for being a good parent. We could certainly use more people who think like you.
SHOUTING FIRST, the next best thing to being right.
As I read your response, one line really stuck out: "I'm not saying lock them in a closet every day, but setting boundaries for them (yes that includes what the parents feel should be proper dress and appearance), they won't be thrust in a world where they will believe that simply 'doing it anyway' will be acceptable. "
While this advice is not what this young man wants to hear or what others on this board may suggest, it is sound advice. As a teacher, I see too many parents who do not set boundaries for their children, and, as a result, they simply don't understand that there are boundaries and don't understand why they can't do what they want when they want to.
Don't get me wrong. I'm all for self-expression (and long hair!). I don't have an issue with his trying to find out why his parents are against the long hair. Even if they insist on his keeping it short, he will at least know why they believe what they believe in. We need to teach our young people to look at other perspectives. Some times, it's not easy to see another's viewpoint.
No matter whether this young man is allowed to keep his long hair or is required to cut it short according to his parents' wishes, this is a tremendous learning opportunity for this young man.
Yeah, he learned something didn't he?. Something about his parents.
You're so "for longhair"? Post a pic already! Because frankly, I don't believe you.
Truth is, our society has a lot of stupid rules. By their very nature, stupid rules need to be broken. Stupid rules need to be changed. Remember we're talking about hair, not popping a cap in somebody, not robbing a store, not running around buck naked. Hair. Just hair, and hair length should NOT be an issue.
Now that I agree with. One thing, change "young people" to "society in general". I'd like to do this myself.
As far as Brett goes he shouldn't worry anyway. One more year and he's 18 and can do what he wants anyway, legally. The thing is, how will he feel about his parents afterward if they force him to cut it?
Paul
Would you still say the same thing if they made all their kids, boy or girl, completely shave their head face and eyebrows once every couple of weeks?
Or howabout if everybody was forced to never cut their hair for 18 years.
When would you draw the line for what it is acceptable for parents to make kids do; hair, clothes, and otherwise.
Parents have the right to set boundries but this kid is 17 one year away from adulthood so the parents should start thinking of treating him like an adult and let him make some decisions advise him of the consequences but teach him to start looking after himself.
There is such a thing as over parenting. My mother was well aware that 16 year olds sneak around and drink and smoke, was well aware of other kids who got into trouble with the law as a result. She felt it better to allow me the experience where she could keep an eye on things (at home). So from 16 on I had access to alcohol and cigarettes and thus it was no big deal and I learned how to manage it. I smoked 5 years and quit. My point is the best thing you can do is get them ready for adulthood by letting them call some of the shots. No we're not letting them rob banks or do drugs or other extreme things but hair is hardly an extreme thing.
Parenting is a tricky business and so many don't get it right and there are many different arguments as to what is right. Many would say my mother didn't get it right others admire her tactics and results. In the end he just wants to grow his hair so let him, yeah he'll suffer forms of discrimination that many of us do. So let HIM find that out for himself.
You can't dictate to them forever.
Kevin
That is what I consider intellectually lazy parenting.
Sorry, but that was just an ignorant post. Sure, parents need to set boundaries, but no good ever comes out of being too controlling of your children. And as far as appearance/hair, etc, goes, I'm sorry, but the kid is grown up enough to make his own decisions about that sorta thing. Simply saying "because I said so" is not gonna work on a 17 year old. Hell, it wouldn't work on a 15 year old. Being concerned about your kids is one thing, but being their "dictator" is another thing entirely.
I'll have to come down on a middle ground between Paul and whomever this poster was. (And yeah, you have to wonder about the legitimacy of someone posting under a pen-name. He/she could have just as easily used the name as a subject line, and used a more identifiable name.)
On the one hand, with my boys, I certainly didn't explain/justify every decision/rule made. For one thing, I simply wasn't going to take the time. For another, there are quite a few circumstances in life where there are rules you have to follow that you're just not going to get an explanation, and you've got to learn to deal with that.
On the other hand, I was ready to provide an explanation for important decisions, or decisions that didn't really have a "right/wrong" answer, like how you wear your hair. I've gone thru discussions about haircuts (whether they wanted it long or short) with all three of my sons, and the end result was that they did what they wanted, as long as it looked presentable. About the only "style" choice I ever came down on was when my oldest decided he liked the "saggy pants" style for a bit. I simply refused to have one of my boys walking around with his pants halfway down his butt showing off his underwear. I find that offensive, and while he was living in my house, that was just not gonna fly.
My final point: In some ways, the advice to find out how the parents feel, then defy them may not be the best plan. Finding out how/why they feel about long hair is great. Communicating rarely hurts. As for the "do what you want anyway" part, that depends on how you value your relationship with your parents, and how much hassle you want to live with for the remainder of the time living with them. That's a question only the person in the situation can answer, and will depend on your perception of how much trouble this will cause between you and your parents. Blatantly defying them if they cannot be persuaded can lead to not only hassles about your hair, but hassles in other areas if they're already annoyed with you. Considering you're only a year away from adulthood and being in a much better position to do things your own way, is it worth the trouble it can cause to start growing now? Or would it be better to simply wait a year to start growing? Again, these are questions only you can answer.
It may not make his parents right wing. You, OTOH, I'm not so sure of, LOL!
His parents have limited means to enforce the rules, not including assault. Nobody can make anyone cut their hair, they can just make things unpleasant if they don't.
I think you've got a fight on your hands there. Chances are you'll never be able to convince them.
Like others have said, I'd suggest finding out what their objections are and why they don't like it. Then start working on those.
At least long hair isn't an irreversible expression of individuality. If you don't like it in later life, you can cut it off, whereas if you'd decided to get tattoos or piercings, they're a little harder to reverse.
It might be worth getting a good temporary tattoo and seeing how they react to that.
Good luck!