new thread
One of my favorite Swing dance partners and a long-time close friend is a woman named Christina. We've hit a few rough spots during our 20+ year friendship, --- one of which was 9 years ago, when she made a very critical comment about my long hair, right after I cut it off in Y2K (but announced that I was growing it back)... I'll narrate that full story in a follow-up post to this one (because I've shared the story before, and want those who might remember it to feel free to skip the juicy details); but, my point in posting this thread is that this friendship USED TO BE "close"... And I can't help but think that one of the main reasons I haven't picked up the phone and called her in at least 5 or more years is because of her critical attitude towards my hair being long.
I don't ever expect people around me to "love" my long hair, --- they can even silently dislike it, for all I care. But, to openly criticize it or verbally attempt to change my mind about me growing it or keeping it is just a waste of their time, --- and an annoyance for me to have to listen to! So, the outcome of that type of conflict usually results in me no longer being interested in spending much time around them any more.
You'd think that critical people would someday figure these sort of things out on their own. I'm certainly no brain surgeon, and I totally "get it!", --- so, why can't they? I guess in some cases, hanging onto rigid negative opinions are more important for them to keep than a nice friendship. Fortunately for me, I have way more friends that would rather see ME happy than to see me cut off my hair in order for only THEM to be "happy"... It's all about loving "the whole person", the priority being on who we are are the INSIDE, --- rather than to let overly-controlling people around us dictate how they wish us to look like on the *outside*...
For MattG and others that are new to MLHH (or also for those that might not remember the juicy details about my confrontation with my friend Christina back in Y2K), I'll do a follow-up posting of the conversation I had with her about my hair 9 years ago....
Happy Hair-farming!!
- Ken in San Francisco
Ken:
I think that there are people in the world who feel complelled to make pronouncements on how others should live their lives - and suspect that they feel that they are performing a public service. One of my best friends has this trait and despite his tendancy to tell me how to live my life we continue to get along. After almost 15 years of friendship he now knows that I don't listen but that doesn't stop him from telling me.
It can be quite a trial though. As a hobby I build small boats. My most recent project is the most ambitious - a 16 foot long gaff rigged sloop, that I tow behind my small Toyota. During it's initial launch, I intentionally went to what I hoped was an isolated spot just to avoid the inevitable group of people who would feel it necessary to tell me that there was no way that my car would be able to do the launch or retrieval. I didn't help that I had my own doubts and had asked my wife to bring her 4X4 and a tow rope "just in case". That perhaps makes it worse, when you yourself are unsure and then are brow-beaten by the "armchair" crowd. BTW - the launch and retrieval went smoothly, the sailing part on the other hand .... the repairs were just finished last weekend.
Another instance was during a minor natural disaster when the village I was living in was flooded during heavy rains. I was standing knee deep in the street trying to keep debris from a storm drain to minimize the water pouring into my basement. Several people found it necessary to stop and tell me quite forcefully that A - I was wasting my time, and B - that it was all the government's fault. They never offered to help, or to suggest anything at all useful.
I don't know if this will help the next time someone else tries to run your life, but at least you'll know that neither you, nor the other person are at all unique.
AndrewB
ROFL!!! Yes indeed, --- and your way with words describes my friend Christina's attitude PERFECTLY (lol)!!
Thanks so much for your comments and narrative about your boat, Andrew. I agree 100% with what you just said! Human nature doesn't change all that much throughout the years and even back into ancient history. I've been guilty of making "public service pronouncements" myself at times, --- although I at least hope I know how to stop myself from putting BOTH feet into my mouth before it's too late (LOL)!!
Re. my friend Christina, I still think mostly in a fond way about our 20+ year friendship, and definitely miss Swing dancing with her. Unfortunately, however, some of the stressful times in that friendship (including the confrontational conversation I narrated as a follow-up to my original post) have occasionally out-weighed the happy times.
Who knows... maybe I'll give Christina a call tomorrow, --- I'll definitely make it a point, though, not to remind her of the Y2K haircut story & conversation (LOL)!!
Thanks again,
Ken
Before I narrate the confrontational conversation that I had with my friend Christina in Y2K, I should first briefly explain about my short haircut that preceded it...
After over 9 years of growing my hair out the first time, I had gotten to waist-length by late 1999 and early 2000. Then on the first day of summer of Y2K, I impulsively cut it all off to short (typical male haircut length). I was going through a lot of "mid-life crisis" issues at the time, --- and thought that by going back to short hair, that maybe this would "help"... It didn't. I ended up deeply regretting it (an understatement), and immediately knew that I was going to grow it back. That entire summer was a very difficult time for me, as the haircut actually sent me into a worse depression than I was dealing with BEFORE the cut, --- so, friends who made any critical comments about my long hair finally being gone were quickly chastized! 99% of my friends (as well as my family) were quick to realize that long hair was important to me, as well as to my overall happiness, ---= and so were 100% supportive of me growing it back! My friend, Christina, however, apparently never quite got that message. Here is the conversation that ensued in August of Y2K, which was approximately 6 or 7 weeks after I had cut off my long hair... Enjoy!!
I arrive at Christina & her husband's house for a BBQ party with another friend of mine (actually my former partner, Peter), and this being the first time in about 9 years since Christina had seen me with short hair, here is what I remember to be her first comment:
Christina: "WOW, you look GREAT!! It's about time you cut off all that hair!!!"
Me: "Fuck you, --- I'm growing it back, anyway!" (said half-kiddingly / half-seriously)
Christina: You should NEVER grow it back, --- you look SO much better with it short!"
Me: "Fuck you!!" (said with a little more serious tone in my voice this time, --- trying to give her the clear message that I am NOT happy with my hair being short)
Christina: "No, really, I mean that: you really need to keep your hair short, --- I can't tell you how much better short hair looks on you than that long stuff."
Me: "FUCK YOU!!!!"
At this point her husband even gave Christina a dirty look, at which point she FINALLY got the message to shut up about the hair. Peter quickly changed the conversation to some other topic; but, later asked me why I felt the need to be so severe in my reply...
"Because she was playing, 'Mother Knows Best', --- and she is neither my mother, nor knows what is best for me!"
in hindsight, I'd do it and say it all again. She needed to be put in her place. And, most interestingly of all, her husband who was standing by the entire time that this converation was going on, never once reprimanded me for saying what I did to her. I rarely use profanity when I speak. I'm sure he knew that (even though Christina and I know each other much better than he & I do). I also think that he knew how to take a hint better than his wife apparently did (LOL)!!
Nowadays, my long hair speaks for itself, --- it says the "F" word for me, whenever needing to make a strong statement to those that still might be clueless (LOL)!!
- Ken in San Francisco
That's infuriating Ken! Good for you for standing your ground.
I have very little patience for anyone who publicly disparages my hair. Fortunately, it almost never happens. The only ones who did so were my family and I rarely talk to them anymore.
Hi Jason,
Thanks so much for your comments, --- and so great to hear from you!!
I'm so sorry to hear about your family and their unsupportive attitude. It's really THEIR LOSS, though. What a shallow reason for not loving another family member as they are, just because of lengthy protein strands growing out from from our own heads!!! It's not like we would ever ask of them to do the same as we like, --- so, how dare they ask of us to be "just like them?"
Loving or rejecting a person, just on the basis of their exterior (in this case, simply re. the length of your hair) has got to be the most foolish thing in the world for a person ever to do. In their twisted minds, they think in terms of hoping you'll one day conform back to the "norm" of what's right and "proper" for males to look like. Sadly, they are totally disregarding the most important aspect of any human being: the personal QUALITIES of THOUGHT and ETHICS, --- as well as the unconditional love that could be there for them (if they only knew how to give unconditional love in return)...
Anyway, thanks so much again for your reply, Jason, --- I much appreciate it!
- Ken
That sucks, Ive lost a couple friends and kinda distanced myself from my mom in the past couple years over hair. The latest was a friend that has never seemed to have a problem with my hair, but last thursday wouldnt stop telling me it needed cut, so I cussed him out, punched him in the arm and havent talked to him in a couple days.
The "Cage The Elephant" CD is great for showing your feelings about what other people think about you and... ANYTHING. My mom started complaining about my hair a last week (you'ld look soo much better if you got a trim before school... NOOOOO) but she just kept on it so I walked back to my room and blasted the whole CD for the next hour. It really made me feel better
On wednesday I did get a $100 bet from one of the guys who used to not like my hair to not cut it atleast until I graduate (which I had already planned on) so hes out 100 bucks :p
Anyway, I would have told her that I'd cut it as soon as she starts shaving her head.
Hope your "friend" pulls her head out of her ass and you guys become close again.
~Jarvis~
Well Ken I have to say, very impressive! Even the nice guy has a line you better not cross. Lol.
I hate that your good friendship went south like that but, like you said, she needed to be taught a lesson.
One of the reasons I wear mine long is to say "F*ck you" to the people who don't like it. Mine is also red and a lot of 'em had a problem with that, so now they have even more of it to look at.
Paul
Yes indeed, --- "Ain't that the truth!!" (LOL)
Someday I'll attempt to pick up her friendship again from wherever it was last dropped off the map; but, in the meantime, we least have a mutual friend in common (another woman who also happens to be a favorite Swing dance partner that I've known for equally as long a period of time as Christina, --- in fact, longer... Her name is Lily, and I consider her to be my actual "best" friend)... She keeps me posted on what's happening in Christina's life, --- as well as probably keeps Christina posted about what's happening in mine. All I have to do is pick up the phone someday, and I'm sure we'll both be happy to hear each other's voices, --- as long as there's no anti-longhair comments coming out from her big fat mouth, at least (LOL)!!
ROFL!!! That's one of the funniest comments I've ever read here, --- makes me wish I had red hair, too!! Way to go, Paul, give 'em even MORE red hair to have to look at then (LOL)!!!!
Thanks so much for your reply, --- always a pleasure to read your posts!
- Ken
I don't think I'd have reacted quite in that way, although I might have thought something like it. OTOH, I've never really had that major a haircut, at least not on purpose. I did have far too much cut off when I was 20 (NB: I'm 51 now). I was tricked into it by my mother and her friend who did the actual cutting. When they told me how much they preferred it my response was very non-committal, but I did grow it back, and then some!
LOL, --- once long hair grows back again, to me that's when my hair "does the speaking for me"... In other words: usually no verbal exchange really needs to take place anymore in order to defend my preference for my hair being as long as it is, because i HAVE it! It's when I felt like a shorn sheep (deeply regretting that Y2K haircut) and my defenses were down... that's when I felt like I had to speak in the rough manner in which I did to her, because it felt like she was pouring salt into an open wound by insisting on telling me I "should never" grow my hair back long again.
Every person is different in how they act or react to one another, --- as well as different situations bring out different responses, even with the same exact players involved (including both the "best" and the "worst" in human nature)... I doubt that I'll ever have to verbally react that way to anybody like that ever again in my life; but, "when push comes to shove", I can't help revealing the fact that I have not only a sharp tongue (when the occasion seems to call for it); but, also a bit of a forked tongue (or, in Christina's case, a profane tongue - LOL)!!
Thanks for your reply, Alun!
- Ken
I am glad that my dad who has short hair does not comment anything negative about my hair. He has told me that the color of the hair looks like that of my mothers hair (in a good way)
I wish some of you would have understanding parents like my dad.
Birdman
I, personally, think your hair is awesome. Some of my friends that have voiced strong opposition to my growing the hair now that it is getting an acceptable length have apologized for the negativity. I just smile, thank them and remind them that I told them they'd like it if just given the chance. Have a good day and talk to y'all later.
Thanks so much for the nice compliment, Charlie, --- it made my day!!
And, if I'm correct in thinking that you're the Charlie from Tennessee that has shoulder-length brown hair, your mane is hands-down AWESOME as well!!! In fact, I'm rather envious of you: your hair looks BETTER than mine by far!
Take Care, --- and thanks again!
- Ken
I can deal with the occasional "You looked better with short hair" comment from friends or family. As long as they're willing to leave it at that, I'm perfectly willing to agree to disagree and let it go quietly, with nothing worse than a "Well, you're entitled to your opinion... I just don't share it." But the persistence of that woman was something else entirely.
Hi JS,
I completely agree with your attitude and comments, --- and had I had long hair at the time my friend criticized it, I'm sure I would have spoken to her in more gentle terminology. The fact that I was ultra-sensative at the time because I regretted having cut it, she apparently felt was OK to disregard, even after letting her know that I intended on growing it back long... I guess she felt her short-haired preference was STILL important for me to have to listen to, --- as if I had never heard it before from anyone else, maybe? (LOL)
Yes, Christina can be that way sometimes about other things in life, too, --- for her not to catch the "hint" (LOL, as if I hadn't spelled everything out for her in plain black & white English!) that she was entering into dangerously personal territory of mine was just plain FOOLISH of her.... By the third time, though, at least then she finally shut up (lol)!!
- Ken
It's amazing how many of your family and friends who had been quiet in thier opinions to you as a longhair suddenly are so "relieved" and "thanking God" himself when you cut off your hair. They act as if a hurricane had just past through and now, finally the storm is over. I got that reaction, also in y2k (tough year), and it did leave a burn mark in my memory. Maybe for the better, for it makes me more resolve this time around not to cave in so easily. (perhaps you should be thanking her for pissing you off so much!)
I should add that there were some that expressed the opinion that my happiness was more important. That I do cherish.
It's so good always to hear your stories and reflections on life and long hair.
Bruce
Thanks so much, Bruce, --- and so well-stated! In my opinion, the "hurricane" should be viewed in the opposite manner, because to me buzz-cuts look WAY more offensive than long hair ever could... But, that's just me (LOL)!!
Thanks again for the nice comments, Bruce, --- I much appreciate it!
- Ken
I have no idea why some people just don't "get it" or are THAT way. It's friggin ridiculous! Ah well, you're better off with those people OUT of your life!
Yes, people who continue to behave badly like that I actually consider to be "toxic" to one's mental health. My friend Christina probably has let the hair issue go by now; but, I'm still very slllo-o-o-o-oww to pick up the phone and give her a call, --- I mean, it's been over 5 years since we last talked (LOL)!!
- Ken
Most of my friends wear they hair short, most have buzzes and I have to hold my tongue every time I see them. Lol. I think it's hideous, it shows clearly every dent and bump on their misshapen heads! Arghhhh!!!
I'm not talking about the so-called "normal" school boy hair cut which doesn't nauseate me, just the buzzes. I never tell them how much I hate that hairstyle. I never voice my opinion unless it's solicited by a remark from them. The only thing I ever say is something like "you ever thought about growing it out?" and I don't say that very much.
My point is, I admit I'm a smartass and even I don't pop off without provocation. This means those hair hating devils are much more ill mannered than I am. Scary.
We are certainly on the list of "ok prejudices".
Paul
I most certainly hold the same view of buzzcuts.I certainly would never tell a guy who has one how much his head looks like a potato as that is just poor manners:)LOL.Too bad the hair haters are less civilized to us longhairs.
Mark
Hi Paul,
I am so glad to hear someone voice out loud what I always think about buzzcuts as well, --- I mean, who the hell would WANT to look that ugly??? Seeing a shaved head is especially nauseating. It makes me want to heave every time I have to stand behind some guy like that that's in line in front of me even at places like the grocery store!!!! I sometimes wish I was bold & brazen enough to ask them: "Do you know how totally UGLY that shved head of your is?" But, thankfully, the better part of me always refrains from making any comment, because I try my best to live by the Golden Rule, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."
To my eyes, any degree of length to a person's hair, --- whether male or female; whether short-haired, medium-length, or mega-long --- is BEAUTIFUL. But, seeing nothing other than stubble on a lumpy bumpy shaved head to my vision is a reason to thank myself for delaying getting much-needed new glasses... On the other hand, seeing a great-looking head of hair (whether male or female) is reason enough for me to hurry up and go to the eye doctor real SOON (lol)!!
- Ken
And all this time I thought I was the only one that thought that way about buzz cuts and shaved heads...yeah right!
I have been tempted to say something to my dad about his buzz cut just to get back at him for all the hell he put me through about growing out my own hair (or wanting to when I was under his roof) but the better part of me thinks better than to open that can of worms again since he has given up on saying anything to me about my hair for several years now. I will however use a friendly jab with some of my buzzed off friends, but even then it's only rarely because I value our friendship too much to stress it out over an ill timed jab.
Daniel
Hi Daniel,
I think friendly jabs are great, --- I totally LOVE recieving them, just as much as giving them back! The vast majority of my closest friends, both male and female, are all pretty much short-haired (although the women are only "short-haired" in comparison to long-haired women)...
My view on this topic is that if we don't have a sense of humor about ourselves, then how are we to expect to ever get along with others who look totally different from our own tastes? It's the mean-spirited jabs that need our serious attention and awareness of that as being unacceptable, because it's just plain & simple, "verbal abuse!" Friendly jabs, in my experience anyway, usually signify total acceptance with both love & respect, --- just disguised in wolf's clothing (instead of a wolf diguised in sheep's clothing)...
Thanks for your comments, Daniel, I enjoyed reading them!
- Ken
One thing about shaved heads though - it makes phrenology easier ... Not if only "applied phrenology" would work, just carry a small hammer if you don't like the attitude of the other person....
AndrewB
Phrenology - personality map
haha, thats the funniest shit Ive heard all day
yeah, it sucks, someone should convince obama to grow fot the next 4 years... as long as he doesnt completely screw us over ;)
~Jarvis~
I'm shocked!
Kevin
Hi Ken,great post from you as always.Even though I remember you telling your Y2K story in the past I just had to read it again just as a reminder of how thoughtless some people can be.You'd think Christina would have gotten the message early on but NO,she had to keep harping on how she liked your new haircut when it was obvious how displeased you were about it.In spite of the rough language it was necessary to nail down your point to her.You did nothing wrong in my view.
I've been fortunate in all the years I've had my mop, not to be pestered to that extent.Oh yes there would be the occasional suggestion by my mom that maybe I should try going short again but I believe she knew how much my hair meant to me and never overdone that request.The other time I remember getting the haircut request was during a job interview back in the 1980s.Obviously that wasn't going to happen so I never accepted the position and in the end I got the same type of job without the cut demand at a later date from another employer.Anyway thanks Ken for telling us about your experience as I know there are many other longhairs who have gotten the same treatment.Hope they handled it as well as you clearly did my friend:)Cheers
Mark
Hi Mark,
Thanks so much for your nice comments! And yes, I agree that Christina should have gotten the message earlier on that "enough was enough" about her anti-longhair comments; but, I guess we BOTH learned something from the experience and confrontational verbal exchange. I know I did: I learned that sometimes you really DO need to use the "F" word in order to get your point across, --- even though profanity is not normally my style. And what did she learn?? I don't know, because I'm not privy to that private bit of information, since I have shosen never to discuss that particular conversation exchange with her. Hopefully, she at least learned to keep that topic "off limits" from at least mentioning it ever again to me... Then again, since I don't see or speak to her often (an understatement), even though at one time we used to be close friends, I may never know her thoughts about that event.
"Live & Learn", --- I guess it's all a part of the experience of becoming a true-blue longhair, going through trials and tribulations of one kind or another in order to get there.
Thanks again for your reply, Mark, --- always great to hear from you!!
Long Lox 4ever,
Ken
How sad it is to be critiize about your hair. It was rude of her to critisize your hair, because friendships are based in the heart not on what hte lenth of hair is
My wife likes my long hair. Although I like long hair on women it does not make any difference if my wifes hair is snort or long, I love her just the same. I will never critisze her on her hair.
I don't make keep or lose friends based on the lenth of thier hair, it is based on what is in thier hearts. I can be friends to anyone regardless of the lenth of hair I have both long haired and short haired friends and they don't talk bad about my hair.
A previous wife of my Dad said that I should cut my hair but I ignored her advice. I like mine long thank you.
Birdman
Keep if growing friend.
AMEN, brother!!!! No truer words could ever be said on the subject, as you just did, above...
Thanks for your nice reply, Birdman!
Long Lox 4ever,
Ken in San Francisco
Hi all you Hairy People,
Many thanks for all the great comments, as I much appreciate it!
Also letting anyone who replies after this particular post from me know that I tend to be away from my computer for several days at a time, due to my job; so, I'll be unable to respond to any further replies that come after this... Just mentioning it, so nobody later on might think I'm being rude by not responding...
(Or, maybe just in case you'd wish to have a reason to say, "F*** you!" to ME, then here might be your perfect opportunity, then - LOL)!!
- Ken (AKA Urban Cowboy)
Juicy indeed I made sure to have extra napkins around. I agree that as time goes by you find yourself detaching from some people for similar reasons, and they don't get it. None of my friends nor any of my family comment on my hair as they "get it"
My mom said recently I wouldn't be me without it. She got it.
I'll count myself lucky I guess.
Kevin