new thread
I'm reading a book right now that opens with the following powerful beginning statements:
"With great love comes great grief. If the love weren't so strong, the intense grief and sorrow at the time... wouldn't be so wrenching."
WOW, the odd part about reading those statements was that it brought back to mind my emotions that I had right after I had impulsively cut off all my waist-length hair back in Y2K. I had very few friends I could talk to at the time about it, because I felt so embarrassed trying to put into words my grieving over a stupid little haircut (let alone the fact that it took the insight of another friend of mine to point out to me that it was indeed the emotion of GRIEF that I was dealing with). In addition, the vast majority of my friends and some of my family all thought that my new short hairstyle looked "great!', "wonderful!!", "makes you look 10 years younger!", "makes you look 15 years younger!!", "makes you look 20 years younger!!!" I hated every damn "compliment" they tried to throw my way to make me feel better, because I was in misery that I had impulsively cut off what took me 9 long years to grow out....
There are as many different kinds of losses in life as there are valid reasons to feel the need to grieve them. I lost my mother when I was 10 years old, for example. One of my uncles lost one of his hands in a machinery accident when he was just a teen. My father died when I was 22; but, I never shed a tear over him, because we never got along (an understatement). In the early '90s, I lost some wonderful friends to AIDS. All of the above are excellent examples of what the world recognizes as "valid" reasons to have a good cry or 2 (or 3 or 4 or 5 or 6...)
But, grieving over any kind of hair loss (whether it's the gradual onset of MPB, sudden hair loss from an accident or illness, or even just a deeply regretted haircut).... Well, society in general thinks that's just not a valid enough reason to indulge in grieving, --- it's just not considered very "manly" (only "wusses" do that)!
And now for sharing the name of the book and its author:
"Grieving the Death of a Pet", by Betty J. Cormack.
I know: I was a bit surprised myself!
I came upon this book because my partner is deeply grieving over the death of his favorite cat, Bibbins. He rescued that kitty (along w/ his tiny siblings) from under a wood pile, bottle-feeding it from day #1, --- right after the mother cat had been killed by a large dog the day of those kittens' birth.
It's embarrasing to admit this, but here goes anyway: it never occurred to me how deeply someone can grieve over a pet! I've had LOTS of pets, --- and eventually they all died... Yes, I've always had a good cry afterward; but, then usually I quickly "get over it!" (or so I thought...)
It's all a matter of perspective, --- and who (or what) is important to us.
Just felt like sharing this, because the book reminded me of a time when I didn't know anybody who could possibly understand what I was going through after just an impulsive stupid haircut!
- Ken
Hi Ken,
What a wonderful post regarding that book you just mentioned.It made me think of what I will feel when the three cats I currently have eventually pass on.Two of these cats were my mom's cats and the third is the one I rescued from a job site I was on.My mom did enjoy all three cats and when she passed away this past May it was sad seeing all her cats and she no longer being around.I know one day when the cats do die off it will remind me again of the good days when my mom was still around.I know this sounds weird but your post just made me think of it for some reason.Tell Even I sympathize with him over his cat as its just sad when that happens.Take care Ken and hope to catch you on the wire soon my friend:)
Mark
Hi Mark,
I will gladly pass along your message to Even. Re. your mom's passing, that must have been a very difficult time. Some people grieve very hard and for a very long time, while others just have a good cry about it and then move on with life quickly afterwards. It all depends on so many factors, --- a person's religious or philosophical beliefs; the intensity of the relationship that was lost; who (or what) was also left behind, etc., etc...
I know a guy in my C&W dance community who has been taking care of his father ever since his mother died over 15 years ago. His father just went to pieces after his wife's death, unable to even function on a normal, everyday-routine kind of basis. WOW, talk about being hard-hit by grief!! You just never know how some people are able to deal or not deal with life after a tragic event like that.
I'll be working again this weekend; but, Sunday afternoon might be a good time for us to be able to chat over our cells, if that works for you.... And also looking forward to October when you get out to CA again, --- I want to do whatever I can to be able to meet you in-person this time!
Take care, my friend!
- Ken
Hi Ken
At my age I have sure known alot of grief as well as happiness.
Today was a hit hard however. My sister, (last of my immediate family now living) has been diagnosed with Colon Cancer at the age of 58. She is now weighing in her mind going for treatments or simply letting nature take its course so as to not extend suffering when there isn't really any hope in the end. Apparently it is wide-spread. "Quality" of life is more important to her as it would be to myself.
Justin~
Amen to that statement, Justin, --- I can fully relate!!!
WOW, Justin, I am so sorry to hear this news. My best to your sister, whatever decision she ends up choosing re. this situation. "Quality of life" is indeed VERY important; but, still, it is very hard to think about just having to stand by and watch as you know you are gradually losing someone very dear to you.
Years ago I read another book on the topic of grief, during a time of having to go through a lot of hard times myself. The book is called, "Swallowed by a Snake, --- the Gift of the Masculine Side of Healing", by Thomas R. Golden. Mr. Golden is a therapist and grief councellor (as is the woman author of the book I'm currently reading on the topic of Pet Loss), and he has an amazing ability to talk specifically about how MEN grieve (which tends to be very differently than how most women grieve. It's a great book! I remember it being hard to put down once I got into it when I read it how ever many years ago....
Take care, Justin, and I hope you stay well yourself!
- Ken
My sister, (last of my immediate family now living) has been diagnosed with Colon Cancer at the age of 58. She is now weighing in her mind going for treatments or simply letting nature take its course so as to not extend suffering when there isn't really any hope in the end. Apparently it is wide-spread. "Quality" of life is more important to her as it would be to myself.
hey there justin im very sorry to hear about your sister and i truly wish her the best of luck with whats happening - dave
Sorry to hear that Justin. Stay strong for her, she'll need your strength.
Bruce
Hi Justin,
Of course I am genuinely sorry to hear this news about your sister, and you can be assured that she will remain in my thoughts and prayers. It is extremely difficult to see a loved one suffering.
Take care,
David
I'm so sorry to read about your sister, Justin. Back in '92 I lost my grandfather to throat cancer after about a 4 year period of watching him become sicker and sicker. He was much more to me than a grandfather though, he was my best friend. He did go through 2 surgeries and one round of radiation treatment (which once was enough for him, he refused to go a second round and would not go through cemo) So he ultimately chose quality of his remaining years over (the possibility of) living longer.
I hadn't thought about him for quite some time until your post here, which brought me to remebering the memories that we had together. I guess one never truely gets over the loss of a loved one.
Daniel
Hey Justin,
I have to say it really hits home when I read what you just described your sister is up against.I feel for you my friend as much of my immediate family is gone as well.Some at least got to live a long life while others passed on much too soon.I certainly hope the best for your sister and whatever she decides to do puts her mind at rest.I can't even begin to imagine what my thought process would be if a bomb like cancer was dropped on me.Its gotta be the worst feeling in ones life.Take care of yourself Justin and be there for your sister.
Mark
Ken your longhair makes you look 20 years younger.
Kevin
Thank you thank you thank you THANK YOU, Kevin!!!! But, uhhmmm....
"Younger" than WHAT???
(LOL)
Which reminds me...
Speaking of when I was younger, I remember chasing a sabertoothed tiger once, --- or, was he chasing me? Anyway, I digress from my main point: he tripped over my looooooooong, loooooooooooooooong hair that I had back then, which only dragged behing me on the ground for approx. 5 or 6 feet (it used to drag behind me by at least 7 feet when I was REALLY young...).... Anyway, the tiger got all tangled up in my hair, which enabled the rest of my caveman family to club him while our pet Brontosaurus slapped him silly with his tail...
(To be continued when I remember the rest of the story....)
- Ken
Excellent post Ken, as always. I know how you felt. It's a sick feeling in your stomach as in "Oh crap, what have I done". The compliments are just kicks in groin!
I've seen grown men wilt when their beloved dog passes and I've seen pets put down because it had a bad case of fleas. Grief is an emotion so individual, that other people, even those very close to the grieved, can not dictate, when or how long the grief should be experienced. Comfort and support can be the only thing that help.
Bruce
Hi Ken,
Thank you for sharing with us this your wonderful post.
Also, my deepest condolences to Even on the loss of his beloved pet.
Take care,
David
Ken,
sorry for your partners loss... we all feel grief for different reasons. I too felt terrible when I had my hair cut off in late 1997 it was one of the biggest mistakes of my life and it nearly destroyed me.
Mike