new thread
For jimho85 and any other newbies who might want to use them.
Here's a updated list of my favorite hair retorts.
It now includes some excellent responses from others here as well.
"Get a haircut"
"What's a haircut?"
"I was thinking about getting one until I saw what yours looked like."
"Which one? This one? That one?"
"Get a face lift."
"Get a life."
"After you cut your nose hairs."
"Worry about you own damn hair."
"I got one... 4 years ago."
"Damn, I knew I was supposed to do something, NOT!"
"Give me $20." (If they actually give you money, don't cut it... you just asked for money.)
"I just shaved my _____, does that count?"
"What are you... the damn fashion police or something?"
"Have you ever said anything that wasn't... stupid?"
"What is this thing you speak of... haircut?"
"I was once like you... then I got a life." (Ok, you could use that one for a lot of things.)
"If I do I'll avoid whatever idiot cut your hair."
"I couldn't wear mine that long."
"That's right! Long hair ain't for sissys."
"It's true, only real men can have long hair."
"If you grew your hair, you might be cool... like me."
"Why? Are the hair police on the prowl again?"
"Yeah, a**holes aren't allowed to wear their hair long."
"Why do you want/have long hair?"
"So my head don't look like squirrel nuts." Especially if they have a buzz.
"Your mom likes to run her fingers through it."
"So I can be cool like _____" Insert favorite longhair's name.
"I don't have long hair, you're having a hallucination."
"Long??? This ain't long, I was still planning on growing it another foot or two!!"
"The cowardly lion had longhair."
"Gollum had longhair." It's true, he just didn't have a lot of 'em.
"The voices keep telling me to grow it out." With a sinister grin.
"So I won't look like those kids that shot up the school." (Just making a point, it's true.)
"That's what happens when you don't cut it" said slowly, like you're talking to a small child.
"I think it's wrong for a man to have longhair."
"Who asked you." Simple and to the point.
"Really? I've been thinking about growing mine out." Best if your hair is already mid-back or longer.
"So did Hitler, Stalin, Mao, Kim Sung" or choose your favorite communist dictator.
"Then I'm glad your opinion doesn't count."
"I thought you were a girl"
"Ever get your eyes checked?"
"Do they have any girls on your planet?"
"Ain't been around many girls, huh?
"Uhh, buddy you need to feel again."
"You must run with some pretty ugly women"
"What? The beard didn't give you a clue?"
"But I am a girl, I work for the circus. I'm the The Bearded Lady!"
"I thought you were a girl" when you're at the urinal. Yeah, it happened to me.
"So you know a lot of girls who use the urinal?"
"Does this look like a girl?" (you know what to do next.)
"Fag"
"Your not my type buddy."
"No, sorry. Keep your hands to yourself and we'll be fine."
"Most homosexuals have short hair... like you."
"Longhair is gay"
"Why ain't yours long then?"
"Hair is gay? Hair has no sexual preference."
"That's an ignorant statement."
"Does that mean you're attracted to me?"
"But your dad doesn't have long hair."
"I don't like long hair on men." from a woman
"But your daughter does."
"Oh, you're just jealous that my hair is prettier than yours."
"And your opinion matters to me... why??"
"You're NOT the woman I'm trying to impress"
"I'm not a man... I'm a lesbian." (Followed with a wink).
"I don't like long hair on men." from a short haired woman
"I have to wear it long... to make up for all these women with short hair."
"Oh... I'm sorry, hows the chemo going?" (Yeah, that's pretty mean, snicker.)
"This ain't the 60's"
"Wow, really? I gotta check the batteries in my watch..."
"Yeah, I thought there would be a vaccination for you by now."
"What are you, a fashion Nazi?"
"It ain't the dark ages either, buddy."
"Hippie!"
"Hippies are pacifist, I am not a pacifist." Crack your knuckles.
"Groovy! Thanks for noticing... MAN!" Give 'em the peace sign.
"No dumb*ss, I'm a Viking... like DUH!"
"No, I'm a (your actual job here)"
"I'm not old enough to know what that is, apparently you are."
"I'm wearing a 9mm... not a peace sign." Just be careful with that one.
"Hippie? Is that the best you can do? Come back when you're worthy!"
"If I'm a hippie what does that make you, a fascist pig?"
"At least I'm not a... Loser!" L sign on the forehead.
"The bible says it's a shame."
"How many pictures do you have of Jesus?".
"Did you read the next verse? The church nor God has any rule about it."
If it's a short haired church lady, "It also says, 'A woman's hair is her glory'."
"The Bible also tells you not to eat pork... have you eaten any bacon for breakfast recently?"
"More people in the bible had long hair than short." (It's good if you can name some as well, Jesus (probably), John the Baptist, Samson, Samuel, Absalom, etc.)
"What about the Nazarites? God wanted them to grow theirs."
"Short hair was a Roman tradition, not a Christian one."
"God has longhair!" Who knows, it may be true!
Paul
Hi Paul,
Wow such a choice list of expressions. You should get a book published Paul.
Cheers,
John.B
It's a work in progress John. If I ever do publish anything you can bet the protagonist will have longhair... and use many of these. ;-)
Paul
"I don't like long hair on men." from a woman
"But your daughter does."
Love it LOL
Mmmhmm!
"I can't tell if you are a man or a woman" [from an ugly old balding man with unpleasant attitude]
"Gosh, I'm glad my target audience doesn't have that problem!" or "Mmmhmm...don't worry, the pretty girls can!"
From a person not in my target audience "(something unfavorable, I don't remember what, but I'm sure it is in the list above!)"
"Let me show you something: (person actually is engaged enough to pay attention)(I pull out my camera, cue up picture of two young beauties hugging me) You know, if I get this on the last trip (transit driver) I really don't care that you don't like my hair!" I was good and didn't say anything about the commenter.
Lol, every longhair should carry a pic of him with two fine women snuggled up close. I guess that shut him up!
Not saying anything bad about the commenter but putting him (or her)is his place is a burn par excellence.
Paul
I've noticed that when I dress up[1], I get more female attention when my hair is down than when it is up. I'll admit that it pleases one who is on the shady side of 40 to overhear attractive young women comment (along the lines of) "Dayum, he's hot!"
[1] That includes when I am at work in uniform[2]...I think there is something about a well fitting vest...
[2] Although typically, certain parts of the uniform are not official issue...but so long as I am getting compliments from my managers "looking sharp!" I'm not too worried about being "out of uniform!"
Absolutely the most FANTASTIC retorts ever Paul. I DO believe you have covered EVERYTHING possible. Applause and standing ovation!
Justin~
I have had luck with:
"I have recently been afflicted with an acute and severe scissors allergy. A tragic condition, I know."
Or...
"It isn't that I'm growing my hair, but my hair IS growing."
The usual response is a blank stare or laughter.
Those are great man.
"I have a allergy to scissors." is a definite addition! lol.
Paul
These are great responses.
I have a favorite:
The insulter (male with mohawk): "Get a haircut."
Me: "I never knew that my appearance disturbed you."
The insulter: "Yeah, it does. Men don't have long hair"
Me: "Real men don't care what other men think about their appearance."
The unsulter: "... uhhh..."
Excellent!
"Real men don't care what other men think about their appearance." That is classic, I'm adding it to the list.
Thanks,
Paul
Here is another one, Get a haircut!
No , my hair has nerve endings, it would hurt too much (smile).
Birdman
Hey Paul,
Great list of retorts there as I have to admit you have a way with words.Every longhair should get that list laminated and keep it in their wallets for quick reference:)You have to be prepared for that mindless anti hair attack my friend.Cheers
Mark
Hi Paul!
That is an aweome list of good answers =) THANKS A LOT!!
// Jim -- jimho85
Hi Paul,
It's always fun to read your hair retort list. I believe I'm not mistaken by saying that I think I contributed a year or so ago to that list... if I'm wrong about that, my apologies; but since I'm feeling too lazy today to add any more myself right now, just go to HairReligion's website, as he has plenty of them to read there, too!!
I've always found it interesting to experience negative comments about my hair in real life, as it so rarely happens to me -- most hair comments in my direction are either favorable, or just fun teasing.
Twice in real-life I've found myself so shocked at a negative long hair comment made at me, that nothing appropriately clever or sarcastic came out of my mouth -- I guess I was actually almost "speechless!" It's not worth narrating either of those 2 stories (although I did bother doing so at the times that they happened; so they are probably in the MLHH archives).
There have been other times in real-life, though, where some idiot's negative comment about my long hair has brought on a very quick and appropriately witty retort that made others who were within ear-shot nearby either laugh, wink back at me, or even applaud!
The important thing is to be "in the moment" when such surprising comments happen. Actually , I take that back: that's the SECOND most important thing... The FIRST most important thing to remember whenever receiving a negative comment about your long hair is to NEVER CUT IT, regardless of the put-down!
My favorite retort, which I remember my [longhaired] partner making one time, was right after a total stranger on a city bus suggested that we both get haircuts because it was no longer the 1960s. "Really?", I remember him saying in just as equally a loud voice as the man used when suggesting the haircuts, "I didn't know that -- WOW, well then, that's the first thing I'm sure we'll both do right we get off this bus.... I just can't wait to look as cool as YOU!!!!"
With that comment, people sitting nearby both laughed AND applauded, -- and since the bus was just pulling up to our stop, we gladly got off the bus and got away from that man!
People like that are strange, and they deserve any crazy odd-ball comment that will fly out of your mouth at the time, because that's all part of being, "in the moment!"
- Ken
Hey Ken, I'm pretty sure you did contribute to the list. A lot of MLHH users did and a few real life friends as well. I have a wordpad doc somewhere listing everyone who added, I think.
That was an excellent burn your friend said, would that be sarcasm or mockery? Hehe, I love it.
I do firmly believe that some comeback is important. The idiots that like to ridicule others need very much to be given a dose of their own medicine. No reply is often interpreted as "He's too chicken sh*t to say anything." That's the bully mindset.
I prefer to give the message, "Screw you! Your momma should have taught you some manners, she didn't so now society has to. I guess today is my turn."
Paul
I ignore rude people. This packs a more forceful punch than anything you could say, because it puts them on the lowest rung, "not worthy of comment or attention".
After you do this awhile, rude people other than the very clueless can sense that you will ignore them, and then you even get less rude comments!
Bill
You might be right Bill but it's not near as fun.
Paul
I know I am a Bad Person! Indeed, I do ignore some rudeness, but at the same time, I'm willing to go there with a rude person without using the magic words or being nasty...better to make them look the fool in front of their peers...and maybe they will think twice about being rude to the next person.
Yes, I'd say that's a winning comment there, trolleypup! I agree with you that profanity used for retorting purposes tends to make the 4-letter word utterer look like the "bad guy", as well as will make the longhair seem less intelligent and/or refined in their character; whereas if a foolish and rude comment is greeted with an equally ridiculous comeback to make the rude person look even more idiotic, then "all is fair in love & war -- and hair insults!"
- Ken