new thread
Approximately 5 or so years a go I got a letter from an older gentleman who wanted to tell me that he admired my long hair, wished he could grow his own out; but "couldn't" (because of several different kinds of social pressures on him that would always be standing in his way).
His fears were many: he had a wife that just wouldn't understand, his grown daughter would think it too weird, his golfing buddies would be too critical and probably laugh at him, and his community and family in general just didn't approve of long hair on men.... And, in all fairness to this man, I'm sure that having been surrounded by this kind of negative anti-longhair thinking all of his life, I have no doubt that it must have felt like an impossible mountain to climb in order to ever succeed at growing his own hair out, -- especially with himself as his only supportive pro-longhair "friend" nearby!
But, this man had one powerful thing on his side that he probably had not seriously considered: Mother Nature!
FACT #1: Hair grows on its own -- only YOU have the power of decision to cut it or not cut it.
FACT #2: The hair on your own head is YOURS... you own it; only you and you alone have the yes/no power to do whatever you want with it.
FACT #3: The hair on your head is a part of your own personal body -- and therefore, your own personal decision as to what to do with it!
The facts I've just listed above means that all social pressures on a man that make him cave in to either cutting or keeping his hair short are.... SELF-IMPOSED pressures.
True, if I lived in Nazi Germany during Hitler's time, I might fear for my life if I tried to keep my hair really long back then; but other than in extreme examples like that, most men are freer to do as they wish with their own hair than they usually allow themselves to think. (This statement I've proved in my own experience, as it took me until age 40 to finally have the guts to grow my own hair out to ponytail-length.)
Since hair grows very slowly, people around you at first will not notice if your locks are increasing in their length, -- until it gets rather obvious, at least. Once they do notice, and if negative comments abound, critics will probably demand for an explanation...
You don't actually "owe" anybody an explanation; but if you're feeling generous and empathetic towards them, and would like to help them understand you a bit better about this issue, then my advise is to keep your explanation simple, like: tell them that you simply LIKE long hair, and that you've always wanted to try it! (There's nothing about that kind of statement that they can argue with!!!)
If they continue to make a lot of noise and nonsense about this "issue", then just politely excuse yourself from the table and tell these silly control-freaks that the discussion about your hair length is now OVER.
The ruder the people are who are trying to get you to cut your own hair, the more they are not worthy of being around your company.
I don't know about you; but for me, my time is too precious for me to spend it around rude, selfish, or very demanding people!
Over time, the people who truly love you for YOU will get used to your new look of having longer hair... It really should be no big deal -- it's just HAIR!!!
Stand tall, stay firm, and listen to your inner voice (rather than to all the noisy voices that are trying to force THEIR will upon you).... and don't forget to SMILE (because Mother Nature -- as well as lawyers all over the world -- on on YOUR side; not theirs)!
- Ken
Nice Ken, couldn't have said it any better myself. Although I usually dont stop those conversations. It's way more fun to be the prepared one and watch their arguments crumble and the smug look on their face fade away.
I'm a twisted little son of a bitch when I wanna be :D
Hi Ken,
That's a great essay and your points are well taken.Couldn't disagree with any of them, but really, we ARE on the same page my friend:)Your post should be laminated and kept in the wallet of every man on earth and who knows,maybe just maybe the longhaired guy would become a majority someday in the future:)Wouldn't that be heaven!Cheers
Mark
Good read, Ken. Thanks.
I'm coming up on 4 months of growth and since I started with a buzz, the initial growth was very obvious. I got a few odd comments and a flat out rude remark at first, but that has subsided as folks have gotten use to it. My supervisor is very cool about it and when I'm having a bad hair day and complain, he says to just keep letting it grow, once it's long it'll fall into place. Couldn't ask for better than that on the work front!
Hi Kevin,
I couldn't agree more!
Similarly, I had a supportive boss the first time i grew my hair out in the early '90s. Even though there were other personality traits that I didn't like about this particular boss, I was stunned one day when he said just out of the blue, "You know, you'd look really good if you grew your hair into a ponytail." And this statement was coming out of the mouth of a very conservative-looking short-haired man!
Since I had always wanted to grow my hair long, that statement was just the words of encouragement I needed to get me through my first awkward stages... Other than having to repeat the experience a 2nd time around (because of an impulsive decision to cut it short in Y2K), I've never looked back since!
Thanks for the reply!!
- Ken
Ken -
Brilliantly put and very true in my experience.
For some reason I feel compelled to share an experience I had last Christmas at a family reunion. My brother has beautiful thick black hair and frequently grows it to a bit longer than shoulder length. He is a film score composer so it kind of fits his lifestyle. Because of his lucky hair type and his vocation I don't think he gets a lot of negative feedback about his hair.
I have thin, flyaway hair. I'm hoping this due to misuse which, thanks to this board, is changing.
I had been growing my hair for about a year at this reunion and it was well into the awkward stage - still is. My other brother's mother-in-law, who is Cuban and extremely sweet and extremely conservative, took it upon herself to very forcefully tell me many times in front of everybody that I MUST cut my hair. It was very embarrassing for me.
I recognized that her motivations were good - she loves me and wanted to give me her "objective" viewpoint about my hair. Her comments did not make me angry - in fact I appreciated the spirit they were given in. My hair did look awful most of the time. I blushed and agreed with her but told her, as someone else who has responded to your post said, that I simply want to grow it long even though it looks horrible now.
I'm not sure what my point is here. It may be simply that a rebellious, screw-everybody-who-doesn't-like-it attitude may not be necessary. I think this response is perfectly appropriate for blatantly obnoxious, offensive comments about my hair from someone who could care less about me, but sometimes this "advice" is truly offered in love, however misguided it may be. It think the best approach in this latter situation is listen and understand but to recognize that her opinion is not mine, and that I have no obligation to satisfy her wishes for me. A loving and understanding reply is not wimping out or giving in. As longhairs who have the guts to swim upstream, we need to be bigger than our critics.
Does this make sense?
-- George
Hi George,
What you said above most certainly does make sense, I agree 100%!!
Every situation of being critcised is unique -- including however our own particular mood is that day. Some days I feel like a very mature, patient, fully competent "adult"; while on other days I might be overly sensative and react too quickly to someone's negative comments... Coupled with however a person decides to word their criticism, as well as tone of voice, all will result in how one decides to respond,
Also, at a certain point in time, I've found that long hair eventually does the "speeking" FOR us (once we are out of the awkward stages, for example) -- it's like people give up on trying to change our minds, once our hair reaches a length that they consider to be too long to "save" you (LOL)....
Thanks so much for the reply, George!
- Ken
Ken -
I can't stop thinking about this essay and at least one other you have posted here. And the brilliant essay that led me here, "On Being a Longhair". It would be very cool if there were a place to post this stuff in a different context, more of a blog or a wiki, where the original essay can be discussed and then revised as new information comes in. I have the feeling that "On Being a Longhair" sort of evolved this way. In the current BBS context your important points are just messages that people can respond to but then they are more or less lost to posterity, buried under more current messages. I think much of what you write is timeless.
Your essays are insightful, thoughtfully worded, and very thought provoking. They start with a long hair theme but quickly become very philosophical and general. "Inner Longhair" would work just as well if titled "A Path Lesser Trod". I think they should be collected and posted somewhere as a unit, perhaps chapters of some unit, where each chapter has its own stream of responses and observations from others. For instance, I was disappointed that I could not respond to Bill Choisser's essay if for no other reason than to thank him for it and let him know how impactful it was to me. That essay also should be stewarded and nourished IMHO. It is something of a rallying cry for all who eschew conformity.
If nothing else I want you to know how talented, intelligent and important your writing is. I think it deserves better than just this message board. Thank you for all your contributions.
-- George