new thread
Hey Guys. Hope all of you are doing great. For rhose who remembers me , my hair is doing great and i will certainly post progress of it in the near future.
Right now, i just want to share something with you guys. It's about my parents,my mum to be more exact. I love both of them very much but some things really bother me. I'm typing this just after a heated argument with her and guess what was it about. Yes indeed, it's about my darn hair. She didnt like the idea of me growing my hair out from the start but she knows she can't do anything at the same time because i'm 19 this year and i ought to have a say of my decisions in life. At times if i'm lucky she would not bother me about my hair for a span of months. Every now and then she will try to persuade me to cut or trim my hair. I told her thats not the point, i will decide to trim it when i reach my goal length. She obviously didnt know my goal length. until today..and shocked she was..
This morning she told me that alot of her 'friends' and people around me have commented on my hair. I knew it wasnt good because i would describe those people around her as radical upkeepers of society norms. Then the dreaded word came, cut or trim. As usual, i would keep my composure and tell her i woulndn't. The discussion became more violent as she became more persistent..Well that's not the point i'm trying to convey. I have seen various ways of dealing with outsider or friends negative comments about the 'hair'. But what if our loved ones has problem with it, how do we cultivate the tolerance we need in order to live normally. Obviously i don't have much option as i'm still mostly living with my parents.Feedback and suggestion from you guys would be much appreciated :)
Hi Jackson,
Giving advise to someone who is still financially dependent upon their parents, and while also still living in the same household, is a tricky thing -- especially if one or both parents are not supportive of you having long hair.
First of all, although the fact that you are over 18 helps (in that you are certainly of legal age to do whatever you wish now, especially re. your own hair), that won't change the fact that your household may have a lot of tension and disagreement over this "issue"... which can at times be VERY hard to live with and endure.
I left home at age 18 myself when I was around your age, because my dad was so unreasonable to deal with about this very issue -- and he and my step-mom were also going through a divorce at that time as well.
However, if at all possible, I do NOT recommend leaving home if you have not yet finished your full education. I missed out on finishing my own college education because my dad & I did not get along back in the 1970s; but that doesn't mean that you have to do the same. If you can focus on your schooling at this time in your life by getting excellent grades, chances are you will accomplish TWO wonderful things for yourself:
1) you will secure a brighter future for yourself by getting a degree (which usually results in a better-paying job after graduation, -- as well as afterward as an older adult);
2) if your grades are good enough, chances are that your parents will no longer care that you want longer hair anymore.
Other than the above comments, I'll refrain from giving advise -- after all, it is you and you alone who have to live in this household atmosphere of constant disharmony.
Once you have your full education under your belt, and afterward get a job, you can then afford to go out and rent your own place, however humble it may be... and in it, you can then rest assured that there you will find the peace of mind to freely make your own choices without fear of criticism, including however long you wish to grow your hair!
Hope my comments have helped.
- Ken in San Francisco
I'm 21 now and I had some arguments with my parents too, thing is they were more early on, and when they realised they can't change my mind they stoped bothering me. They don't like it, but I do, so what I like they accept, like many other things. I also have a long goatee(without moustache) and you can imagine that I don't really fit in the usual 21 year old male look. No matter how aggresive the comments towards me are, I respond to them at the same level, as if someone jokes with me about my hair I joke back, if someone TELLS me to cut it I tell him to cut his *insert body part here*, of course I couldn't tell that to my parents but when they bugged me about it, I just told my mother who is short haired to let her's grow or that I'm having long hair to compensate the lack of her's, or with my father same thing but beard instead of hair(and btw since I stareted having small goatees from like 16-17 years he let his beard grow, and still has it today :D).
In the end though it all differs from person to person, mine were not that conservative, on the contrary my mother loves fashion so she often went like, "hair that long is not in fashion!" while my father is a sport teacher and allways said "short hair is more hygienic"( he is right a little on this part since I'm doing a lot of sport myself and getting really sweaty daily with long hair is a bit of a hassle to get used to). It all comes down to how stubborn they are and how much they want to control you. If you can't change they're mind and want to leave home you have to make sure you are ready financially, I sure am not so untill I finish college I will try to play nice, with long hair and goatee.
Very valid points, Solfaur -- and also glad to say that it sounds like your parents are a lot easier to deal with than my father was when I was in your age range...
My dad was quite a control-freak. He's been deceased a long time now; but he unfortunately left quite a wake of destruction in his path (including his first wife having committed suicide, my step-mom emotionally and sexually abused, and my step-brothers and myself emotionally, psychologically, and physically abused). The fact that all of us kids had been given no choice in our military-style short haircuts (including mandatory buzz-cuts every summer) was the "straw that broke the camel's back" -- which is why I left home to be on my own at age 18.
Everybody's life-circumstances are very different; so I always try to be cautious about giving advise in a situation that I really know little or nothing about...
Thanks for the nice reply, Solfaur!
- Ken
Most parents disapprove of what their offspring do or look like in their teens and early 20s. It sounds like you're handing it in a pretty mature fashion.
You could try pointing out that there are much more important things for her to be concerned about, especially if your grades are good and you don't smoke, drink or do drugs and that she should think herself lucky that you're not a delinquent.
It's possibly inflamatory, but you could also say, "You're turning into your mother!" and then stand well back. I bet they had similar discussions, probably on different topics when she was your age. It's often a good one for ending that type of discussion although if your grandma's within earshot, it could spark off another one!
I'm sure my parents and I would have had similar heated discussions. This idea came to mind as a retort...
Say you have a book, perhaps not your favorite but one you like nonetheless. You decide for a change to get a book cover for it. Yes, that does change the way the book looks from the outside. However inside the book remains the same. We all do things to change out outward appearence for whatever reason, but all in all who we are remains the same. I will still be your son no matter what the outer appearence is, take it or leave it. It's my decision .
Maybe that can work for you maybe not, I thought it kinda put it in a different light. Good luck ,keep us posted.
Charlie
I like that idea alot but the more i think about it the more i am convinced that my mum is actually worried about what others will think of me or maybe she's afraid that others will think that she's not being a responsible parent because of my outlook. I can't blame her in that sense because society has already been conditioned deeply that way . Thanks for the suggestion anyway . Maybe when she starts talking to me again, i'll tell her that.
I guess all of this little conflicts and thorns in the side are all part of the challenge of being a long hair :)
I like all the responses here, esp. those that suggest that we all NOT succumb to the behaviors with which detractors associate long hair - a druggy lifestyle, poor hygiene, anti-social negativity, and so on. We are bigger than that.
I agree with Ken that your attitude seems to be remarkably mature for your years. I think if you can maintain that level head and autonomy long enough your mother will start to respect it.
I would just add that you might want recognize verbally that your mother's concerns are rooted in love and concern for your welfare, especially if they are expressed in a hostile or obnoxious way. This negativity is probably not coming from a wish to control alone, although that is probably a component.
My guess is it is coming from the feeling that you are not listening, that you don't understand what she is trying to say, so she is just turning up the volume until you do. If you use good listening skills - restrain your emotional response to the extent you can; wait until she has completely finished speaking; echo back to her what you thought she said until she is satisfied that you heard her; and then express as lovingly and calmly as you can that you understand her wish for you to not make mistakes and that this wish comes from her love for you. But in this case, even if it is a mistake, it is a mistake you are choosing very deliberately to make, and as a thinking, intelligent adult, you will bear alone all consequences for your decisions.
This may help defuse the situation and even win her over to your side. Even is she continues to disagree she may recognize your right to your own view. It is very difficult to be more mature than our parents, but, as adults ourselves, we can do it. There are parents who don't like their kids' long hair but still respect and stand up to others for their right to grow it.
Good luck,
-- George