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I've been lurking on this inspirational board for years, and after two abortive attempts made it through the awkward stage (now at 17 months growth) to something like shoulder length. Yes, I love it!
The problem is, my wife does NOT like long hair on me(n) (about the only flaw she has!), but has been very abiding with me. However I did agree to an, um, cut-off date: 31st March.
Fair's fair, a deal's a deal, but has anyone got any tips on how I might win her over yet?
PS. I admire some of the hair journeys taking place here!
Hi Suelto,
I hate to say it, but you're going about this the wrong way. You should never have to agree to any "cut-off" date. You are thinking that long hair is something that has to be tolerated, or looked down upon as a "phase". Simply put, if your wife doesn't accept that long hair is what you love and who you are, this is HER problem, not yours! You shouldn't feel embarrassed about it.
In my mind, this is not "fair" at all. It's just your wife restricting you and exerting power over you concerning your own body. Saying that you have to "win her over" just makes it obvious. How would she react if you told her that she should agree to a "cut-off" date?
My fiancee prefers me with short hair, but accepts that long hair is what I want and it's what makes me happiest. She would never want me to do something that would make me unhappy just because she has a preference, just as I would never in her case. Mutual respect is key.
-Dan H.
Dan H, spontaneous posting! very well put!
Deal? A deal is where both parties give up something of equal value to them. What is she to give up that means so much to her as your giving up your hair would mean to you?
You don't have to "win her over", because what you described is no deal. If you don't stand up for yourself when it comes to your own body, dude, you are henpecked. That will never end until you put a stop to it, and the way you do that is just to say "no". Just tell her the "deal" is off.
You only have so many years to live. How many of them do you want to own yourself? To maximize that number, there is no time like the present to put an end to that behavior on her part. You do that by just saying "No!"
Be prepared to get a string of requests, because that often happens. People will ask that you cut for your cousin's wedding, for your sister's graduation, for Thanksgiving dinner at grandma's, and for your next door neighbor's dog's bar mitzvah. There will always be some "reason" they come up with, and they will come often enough that you will never grow your hair. However, if you are to be a longhair, you have to be a longhair year in and year out, because hair grows slowly. To be a longhair, you have to ALWAYS say "No!"
This is what sets longhairs such as the men on this forum apart from other people: To be a longhair, you have to be willing to own yourself.
Bill
Bill, what can I say as that response is definately a "Home Run".Dan H. also posted an out standing reply as well.Talk about a one sided negotiation as one side gives up the store while the other gets the gold.If you really want longhair you have to stick with it for the long haul.Like you said Bill, hair doesn't exactly grow long overnight as its a long term commitment.I hate to say it but this is a case of simply wimping out:(You have to wonder what other so called deals are made here.Kinda sad...
Mark
It's always good to hear from you, Bill. And of course you are 100% right.
Women are funny creatures, though. It is best not to give in too much, or they'll press their advantage.
Nicely said, Bill!
In fact, just reading the title, "Henpecked" makes a big smile come across my face, imagining a giant annoying chicken clucking clucking clucking away, pecking pecking pecking pecking until you're so worn-down that caving in feels like the only logical solution...
Time to fly away out of the "chicken coop" in order to get a fresh view of life from the outside, I'd say!!
- Ken
Bill and Dan said it best, but I'll throw my $0.02 worth in anyway. You say "Fair's fair, a deal's a deal", but please explain how this situation is "fair".
Let me give you some examples of similar situations from my relationship:
My wife has known for years that I much prefer longer hair on women, but her hair length has gone "up and down" over the course of our three decades together. She's asked my opinion when she was considering a change, but she never asked my permission. And my usual response to her was, "Well, you know I'd prefer you keep it longer, but it's your head and your hair, do what you want with it."
When I decided to start growing mine out, her only comment was to jokingly tell me that was fine, as long as it didn't get longer than hers (which was mid-back at the time). However, when mine passed her length, she never tried telling me "You have to get it cut."
Bottom line: Whose head is the hair attached to? Because that's the only person that should be making that decision.
Regards,
Frodo
I'm going to echo pretty much what others have said, that this sounds like a one sided "deal" unless she's giving up something equally important to her. Does she alter her looks just to make you happy regardless of how she feels about it? And what exactly would be the consequences of voiding the deal?
If you've managed to make it past the awkward stage your hair should be looking neat and tidy when tied back. Messy looking hair is often one of the bigger objections during the growing stage, so there should be little to complain about now. Cutting it at this stage seems like a downright foolish thing to do if you like it long.
So my advice is renegotiate the deal. If you must cut it, make sure you get a concession of equal value in the deal. Otherwise you're just letting someone else walk all over you.
--Dale
This is far from fair at all - do you try to control her appearance - no I imagine so why should she control yours? Try her on that simple logic and TELL that we must all determine our appearance - it is a part of each of us and she should not be so controlling or domineering. You have to be very firm and just refuse to cut.
If she really resepects you, she will back down. If not you must choose what you prefer in life - to be trampled on or her. rememebr this will happen time and again simply when she wants her own way.
There is no compromise possible here. Man or mouse?
Can't win her over. Sounds like you are the puppet and she pulls the strings. About her ONLY flaw????? Hmmmm. Isn't a true loving spouce suppose to be accepting of the others desire to express how they wear their hair? (Or was that just something from the olde days from which I emerged?) It used to be called: "Unconditional love." And, as I remember, it happened quite naturally.
It sounds like somebody might be (expletive deleted) wipped !!!!
... Stand your ground. Refuse to cut your hair. Observe whether she is interested in having a husband (i.e., in being married to a real man), or in having a pet or doll with which to play dress-up.
If you cut your hair just because somebody else wants you to do so, I'd say hair isn't the only thing you need to grow.
--Val
LOL, I like your straightforward, no bullshit posts!
Could not have put it myself Val :-)
Hey Val,
If MLHH ever held a contest for the most unforgettable replies, this one would become an instant classic! I will never forget this response -- you made my day today!!!!
- Ken (still giggling)
I agree with what others have already said, you need to just make a stand, she's your companion not your master. I also think it'd be a real shame to cut it now that you've just come out of the awkward stage and finally putting all of that hair-frustration behind you. You would deeply, deeply regret cutting it, since you like it long now. You would probably end up deciding to grow it back sooner or later anyways (since you love it) and then you'd be starting from scratch all over again. I wouldn't recommend cutting it, unless it's what *you* want (for yourself, not for your wife). Your hair length is not something that should truly make her unhappy or matter in your relationship so this should really be a non-issue. It's fine for her to have an opinion about it but not a command.
I agree with this 100%. 17 months is when things are just getting fun! You finally look like an actual LONGHAIR at the stage that it finally gets to your shoulders and you can put it in a decent looking tail. If you want to cut it, cut it. But only do so if thats what YOU want to do. Dont cut it just to make someone else happy, even your wife.
I've been through what your going through, today "I WON"! This story should inspire you....
I have always wanted long hair, I was always a long hair at heart. In high school our dress code stated that "Hair could not touch the collar on men". My hair did not touch my collar, but it was about a quarter of an inch above. 2 weeks after high school I joined the Air Force, so my hair growth journey was over. Once I got out of the Air Force, I grew my hair for about 9 months, but job searching and things caused me to reluctantly cut it. I was going to school to be a pilot and working at a charter airline that I was supposed to eventually fly for. Long hair was not permitted. I wanted my long hair, but I put so much effort into flying that it just wasn't practical. Well, let me tell you what. I ended up losing that job after 9-11-2001, so I should have kept my hair! About 3 years ago, I had about a years worth of growth. We had a family tragedy which caused me to take time of work. I ended up looking for a new job. My wife told me, "go get a hair cut". I just ignored her and went about my business. One day she harped on me so bad about not finding a job, because of my hair (which was in severe awkward stage). I turned the wheel in the car and went and got a hair cut. The barber who I was friends with was very happy, my wife was happy, but I was miserable, it was like cutting of my arm. Well, I've been growing it again and it's been 13 months now. My wife has asked me to cut it, done the same stuff. Only this time, I didn't give in. I am job searching again, after having to move a year ago, due to the tragedy and getting laid off. Contrary to what my wife says "people are not going to hire you with your hair looking like that", I got a job today working in an office at a pharmaceutical company. Today, my wife said, "if you start your job on Monday, shouldn't you get some pony ties" It was sweet music to my ears. I was expecting the hair cut speech and my heart jumped when I heard those beautiful words of acceptance.
My advice to you is do not cut it if you love it. I did that for my wife once and I love her, but it wasn't worth it. I was not happy with myself. You need to sit down and talk with her. Explain to her that you are going through an awkward stage with you hair and what your plans are after it's long. If you are going to pony tail it for professional dress, let her know that. I dress for work, so I cannot leave it just hanging, because it's not long enough to do that yet. But I can put it in a tail that is a little below the nape of my neck. Just have a serious talk about it with her. Get her opinions and reasons that she doesn't like it. Give her the same speech that women give "do you love me for my hair", lol. Good luck and keep the faith, I never expected my wife to say that, so there is hope.
Hi
Thanks to all of you who have taken the trouble to post a reply. Particularly a special thanks to Christian Kramer, who really gave a great account of his own and suggested a real way forward!
The point is, my wife didn't marry me with long hair, and we both stake claims on one another in our married life,as this is our understanding of togetherness. It is not just about the respect she owes me for my decisions, but also about *my* respect for *her* feelings. Respect goes both ways, call it henpecked if you want, but I feel it's important to keeping a marriage afloat.
I am aware that for some of you having long hair is an absolute non-negotiable, come what may, and I respect that. Although I love long hair, I'm maybe not quite that radical - certainly my wife is far more important. In any event, she has been very tolerant of me over the last 1 1/2 years, as she doesn't really like it, and it represents a big concession to her. Also, she has always kept her hair long for me.
As it so happens, I've sat down with her and maybe for the first time talked about *why* long hair is important to me, not just *that* it is important to me. She really understands me better now, and we will see how it goes together. In any event, I have more space for now and the 31-3 is off! :-)
It's great that you have a bit more breathing room to decide what you want to do. I fully understand what you meant about mutual respect, as I feel the same way about my relationship. Her happiness is essential to my own, so sometimes doing what only I want can make my partner umhappy, which diminishes my own in a different way.
I suppose its a trade off of different forms of "less than perfect" amounts of happiness. But I obviously am not the most die hard person about hair either.
I hope you make the decision that will make both of you the happiest.
Hi Suelto,
I'm the guy who posted the "henpecked" post.
It's great that you are talking to each other. As a man in a 34-year relationship, I would say that is crucial. One thing we learned the first year is you can't put disputes in a relationship to a vote. If you do, you will always get a 1-1 tie. Instead, you have to talk about to which of you the matter matters most.
I spoke to you with experience because I've gone through some similar journeys. When my husband and I met, he had long hair. Then one day about a month into our relationship he came home with much of it cut off. We had a major discussion and we came out of it realizing it was his body and what was done with it mattered more to him than to me. He also said he really wished I would grow my beard because he really liked beards, and at the time it didn't matter much to me, so I grew it out. (Since then, it has really "grown on me" [grin] and I would never cut it off!) Then, 20 years into the relationship, I wanted to grow my hair out to terminal length and 30 years into it I wanted to grow my beard out to terminal length. Both meant a lot to me, so he accepted it, although his preference for both was "shorter".
I would add that everyone has their limits. Most people would not allow a relationship to continue if the other party had a sex change operation, for example. To a partner that would normally matter a lot. However, it is not normal for the length of one's hair to be in that league.
We all wish you two the best in working this matter out. One thing I'd add is that we've learned that hard deadlines such as your "March 31" don't work. Instead, we follow what we call "the two week rule". It has no dates in it. What it says is, "If two weeks go by and I don't want to keep my hair at any time during that continuous two weeks, then I cut. If I have a moment of not wanting to cut, then at that moment the two week clock is reset, and I start the two weeks over."
Good luck to achieving the result that gives the two of you the most combined happiness!
Bill
bill, marriage is between a man and a women, am i missing something here?
James,
Bill and his loving partner of decades were legally married a few years back in their home state of California. Anyone who can't respect that is certainly "missing something."
--Val
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Well said Val and I couldn't agree more with you. I've actually met Bill and Larry in person and can say they are very nice people.I cannot understand why this issue raises the hackles of some people but to each there own.I personally am truly happy for both Bill and Larry:)Cheers
Mark
Yeah, probably several years of ever turning on the news. [grin]
This is not surprising after what I saw last night on American Idol. The contestants were to do Beatles songs, and some of them had never heard of the Beatles. People nowadays have so much media to pick from that they can be selective as to what they take in, and that can mean they miss stuff. Granted, these kids weren't born yet when the Beatles were on the charts, but from someone embarking on a singing career, this was incredible to watch.
We have been together for 34 years, and I'd bet few others who frequent this board have been together so long, so our marriage was way overdue. Our wedding pics are at the link. Two guys who frequented MLHH at the time were in the wedding party; you should have no problem picking out which two they are.
You expressed our feelings on the whole matter very well in your recent post #278430: "LIfe is short i will fight like hell to be happy and be myself the rest of my life." Thanks to Val, Mark, and others on MLHH who have been supportive, and who realize being yourself involves more than hair length.
Bill
Hi James,
Bill just gave you such an excellent answer to your above question that really all I can do is echo his sentiments by chiming in with my full agreement. Also, Validus and Hairball summed it up in a nutshell as well.
All I can add at this point is that if you have never met any openly gay men wherever you happen to live, then trust me when I say this: you probably DO know some gay men or lesbians that are within your circle of friends and/or relatives -- just that they are not open about it.
Gays and lesbians are everywhere that you go, in case this is "news" to you. They dress like everyone else, they usually look just like anyone else, and they usually talk just like everyone else (UNLIKE the Hollywood stereotype) -- in other words, unlike physically noticeable racial differences, there is no way for you to know for sure about a person's sexuality unless they tell you.
Any consenting legal adult will admit that it's of paramount importance to them that they be allowed to marry whomever they most love in life, regardless of whatever that person's race, religion, monetary situation, or social status might happen to be...
Is it THAT much of a stretch of your imagination to figure out that gay men and women would of course wish to only marry another member of their own sex, rather than a member of the opposite??
It's only a matter of time before society will finally wake up to realize the complete unfairness of calling same-sex marriages "illegal" or "Immoral", -- just as unfair as back in the day of when marriage between Blacks and Whites used to be outlawed in the US.
I hope this little "introduction" has helped!
- Ken in San Francisco (and just in case you were wondering: yes, I happen to be a gay man as well!)
IM sorry if i offended anyone, im kind of old fashioned about these things, your friend James
Gay people have been around since the Stone Age; I really doubt you're that old. [wink]
But so have longhairs been, and there are some people around who just don't "get it" with that, either, as we all know. [sigh]
Bill
Hi Suelto,
I'm glad to hear your wife may be a little more respectful of you wanting long hair and I can understand where you are coming from based on your comments.Still long hair must be of enough importance to you being you did seek out this board for advice.I have to say as unselfish as it is for your wife to have long hair on herself for you maybe, just maybe you want your own longhair possibly?After all what good does her longhair do for your appearance.I don't want to come off harsh but this just confirms there is still an "anti longhair on men' attitude that the general public seems to harbor.Anyway I wish you the best as most important is that you are happy with your appearance in public.I know I am ;)Cheers
Mark