new thread
For those who have been following my story, here is an update, and not a happy one.
The amount of ridicule and negative comments from my family have been increasing. Last night was the tipping point. To sum up the event, I was basically sat down in front of my entire family and interrogated as to why I grow my hair as I do. I maintained considerable constraint throughout the entire event (looking back I probably should not have), but was incredibly hurt. The final straw was when a family member grabbed the back of my hair and threatened to get scissors and cut it off right there.
I backed away, and told everyone that I had enough of the persecution, the insults, and the lack of acceptance for who I was. I said I would never understand why this is such an issue for them, and that until I can be accepted for who I am, I will no longer be seeing them. It hurt me very much to do this, but I felt I had no choice in the matter. Some may not agree with what I did, but if I can't feel safe and accepted around my family, then where can I turn to?
Thanks for reading.
Hi Rich, I am sorry you had to go through this. You sound like you handled it the right and mature fashion.
Just a suggestion, since they are your family. I would write a letter stating your feelings and what is needed from their part in order for you to be with them again.
If you really want to reunite with your family again, I would suggest whatever you think the most effective course of action for them to accept you.
All that being said, someone from your family also needs to take action. Good luck Rich and all the best :)
Congratulations for standing up for your self.
Whilst it is sad, these things need to be done sometimes.
Don't now background, leave them to make the first move toward reconciliation.
They may never accept you. They acted like enemies. It sounded like The Puritan and Spanish Inquisitions!!!!!!
I would do my best to avoid them. Some people never really learn, you know. Try not to fool yourself.
Wow, Rich...first of all, you stood up for yourself. That shows great character. However, these rifts within families can be quite tough. Rest assured we're behind you 100%! I hope that your family comes around soon and realizes how they hurt you. In the meantime, hang in there and good luck!
Brett
Hello Rich,
Having followed your previous story I was hoping that your family had come around to accepting you, but I was wrong. I honestly got a terrible feeling and cringed while reading this update. I am just completely in awe of how someone people would drive their own family away for such childish, small-minded reason.
Sure, I get comments from family members, but they are mostly inquisitive and in jest. I just laugh it off and things are good. By this point I rarely hear anything about it, and this is a traditional, conservative group of people who actively refused any of my desires to be different from the norm when I was growing up. Maybe it's because I'm out on my own, supporting myself, and proving that I can hold onto a decent job and long hair (something my father never believed possible).
What I'm trying to say is that the animosity expressed toward you is completely uncalled for and out of bounds for normal behavior. It sounds almost like an intervention was called for you to "stop this terrible behavior". Sickening.
Please don't give up my friend. I noticed that once a year passed from when my family first saw my awkward-stage hair, and I could tie it back nicely, the vast majority of the negativity stopped. They are only looking at the "now" while you are looking at the "finished product". I can only hope that they come around and get used to your new look once they accept that you're not going to budge on the issue. If so you deserve an immense apology.
You are being the bigger man here and are acting much more maturely than your family. It's sad how people see long haired men in such a negative light when nearly all I've met are 100x more caring, accepting, respectful, and "human" than those who hate us so.
I wish you the best of luck,
-Dan H.
Hey Rich,
I'm sorry to hear about the "interrogation" your family put you through for what should have been a non issue.Like the others said you acted the most mature in the way you handled the situation.You could have really blasted them hard and loud once they put their hands on your hair!That really crossed the line in my opinion.At this point they should seek you out to apologize for their bad behavior as you did nothing wrong just being yourself.Please do keep us posted on any new twists to this issue.Keep the faith my friend.
Mark
I am so sorry you are going through this. Every time I hear stories like this, it just totally blows my mind. I have had long hair off and on (currently I have very short hair due to some recent bad choices / mistakes on my part, but I am growing it back out) for close to 20 years now and NEVER has my family or friends made any bad comments about it. EVER. I just dont see how in the year 2011 people can possibly care about something as unimportant as how another person wears their hair.
Sometimes, if you set limits and stick to them, they come around. It might take awhile, but once they realize that you've really stopped speaking to them, they may rearrange their priorities.
One advantage to being an only child with a single parent was the impossibility of anybody ganging up on me.
Hi Rich
You must remain true to yourself and hold on to what you believe in. You have the respect and support of us all on this forum and you will prevail. Good luck
My family used to be like this in how you describe your situation. Thank G-d it is something that is completely accepted now. Those years growing up were no picnic.
If you don't already, the best solution to deal with this problem is to wear your hair plaited, bunned or ponytailed. I almost always wear a ponytail around the house. I live with my family. As long as it is this way, it is never an issue with them.
If you wouldn't mind, could you show us a photo of what your long hair looks like now? Perhaps we can give some suggestions as to how it could be managed in order to be less a subject of controversy in your family? Maybe what you ought to do also is show your family this web site to see how much long hair matters to so many.
Hey Rich,
I'm saddened by how your family treated you. You did the more mature thing by standing your ground. When your family sees how resolute you are and that your hair is that important to you I hope that some of them may reconsider their attitude and action.
Perhaps your backing away from them is the first step toward reconciliation.
Stand firm, brother. You're doing the right thing.
I'll pray for you and for your family. I hope that there will be a gradual reconciliation.
You closed your post saying that if you can not turn to your family then who can you turn to. You have us, bro. We here at MLHH are your family. We're here for you.
Raymond
Thanks everyone for the immense support! This truly is the best community!
J.M.M. asked for a picture of my current length. Here is a picture I just took while at work, I'm not sure if it's a good indicator of the length or not. I can post better pictures later.
Your hair is looking really nice and well groomed. I can't see why your family objects or has a problem with it? Maybe they're jealous of you? I'd love to see your hair really long and how it looks! Keep up the great work!
Sty strong dude, i went through the same thing your going through.
take care , James
You stood by your convictions, your family basically forced your hand to do so. If we aren't willing to stand up for what we believe, then we don't deserve to have such beliefs. It's a tough price to pay for retaining your right to individual expression and autonomy, but this is what makes revolutionaries. You officially joined the longhair cause, and there you will find camaraderie with others who have had to walk the same path; you will also find brothers and sisters who will support your choice to have long hair. Welcome to the revolution, may your hair grow long and prosper!
Well done for standing up to your family and also for holding your temper. Family and friends are always the most difficult to deal with, because you do care for them and, regardless of whether or not you agree with them, deep down, you do want their support and approval.
Grabbing you by the hair constitutes assault in most countries, so it might be worth reminding them of that for future reference. If they try anything like that again, I wouldn't hesitate to call the police.
Out of interest, would they have reacted the same way if you'd grown a beard for example?
I'd say you have two options open to you at present: 1) wait for them to contact you, however long that takes, or 2) write them a letter telling them how hurt and shocked you are at their reaction to something which doesn't really concern them. It's maybe worth putting down your reasons for wanting to grow your hair and letting them know that you're not going to cut your hair for them or anyone else, because it's your life, not theirs. I would also ask them why they feel so strongly about your appearance and what gives them the right to try to control you.
Good luck for the future.
No-one on this board can know all of your circumstances but to be assaulted, emotionally and/or physically, is not good and that seems to have happened here. Personally if you feel unsafe in any situation then imo walk away and don't look back (if you can stand on your own two feet and support yourself financially and in your own space - if not, you've an even bigger issue)
There's an old saying "You can't choose your family but thank the Gods you can choose your friends" and some friends, given time, can be so much closer than family can ever be. I'm not saying its easy but if you have to (and its your choice) grieve for them, the loss, and move on. In time they may come to you but dont let anything or anyone not let you be you. It all sounds a wee bit daft/stuipid to me tbh
imo :)
Hi Rich,
I am so very sorry to hear about your abusive and extremely hurtful treatment done to you by your family. In my view, you behaved amazingly mature and respectful towards them while enduring such negative pressure -- especially in consideration of the fact that they did not at all behave respectfully towards you in any way whatsoever.
At times like this, sometimes it is best to realize that the time for conversation about the issue is at an end.... No more need to speak to your family about the topic, because they are NOT listening, anyway. They have already made their choice -- the choice to treat you abusively (hoping that by their threatening behavior towards you, that you will cooperate with their will -- and thus give up your own). In other words: it is their bad behavior that has driven you away from them (and NOT the other way around)...
I wouldn't even bother wasting my time writing them a letter. If they have any kind of a conscience, one by one, eventually they may wake up to the error of their ways, -- including to the faulty thinking that got them to the point of treating you so wrongly in the first place.
Even more frankly: they don't deserve the pleasure of your kind and wonderful company, because they have crossed a line by stepping all over your rights as a human being.
If the kind of behavior that they just exhibited is what they call, "family", then maybe it's time for you to leave that particular group of abusive people in order to form your own much more loving and accepting family.
I applaud your amazing inner strength of character, and want to say how very impressed I am over how well you handled such a difficult and painful situation.
My best to you!!
- Ken in San Francisco
Well said Ken!!! :)
Hi Rich,
I have gone through something similar with my mom.
We have argued for YEARS about the length of my hair. IT has been a battle ever since I was a teenager - and I'm 42! Sometimes mothers still think you are a kid, no matter how old you are!
One night, I was visiting them, and My Dad - thank heavens for him, he finally said something.... and he was actually kind of brutal about it. He yelled at her,"STFU! I'm sick of you badgering him about hi hair - every time he comes over you ridicule him about the length of his hair - how would you feel if he talked about how fat your @$$ is every time he came over?( a sore subject for her, because my mom is a former model.) Look - he is a GROWN MAN!! You're worrying about the length of his hair, you should be proud of him - he's turned out to be one hell of a man, so leave him alone!"
I was TOTALLY floored, because my dad never really praised me about anything, and while my parents love my brother and I - my mother, because she had been a model - she is extremely superficial.
But I loved the look on her face when my dad ripped.
Here is th kicker, I am getting married, and my mom went on about how she hates my hair to my girlfriend and Lisa told my mom,"I LOVE his hair and don't want him to ever cut it off!"
YES!!
This picture is from around 6 months ago. I shaved off the beard and we just dyed my hair "Soft Black" last weekend.
We used Garnier, but I prefer Clairol as this didn't take in my hair very well.
Tim
Do any of the women in your family cut their hair? If they do, tell them that they have no say since if they have the freedom to wear their hair any length they want, then they MUST give you the same freedom!!! Wayne