new thread
I said this in a post earlier, but I would like some input on it. Recently, while my brother-in-law and his wife were visiting my wife and me, I ran on to one of my first verbal confrontations about my hair. My brother-in-law's wife is one of those people who acts like she has a written permit that allows her to tell everybody she meets about what she thinks is wrong with them. I do not get along with that type of person. Especially when they're visiting in my house.
To put this into perspective, I will tell you all that these two have a habit of coming up to OKC from out of town when they have business to take care of, a doctor's appointment to go to, etc. And that's fine. But, even though they come up for about one day's business, they usually use it for an excuse to stay at our house for about a week's time. During which time, my wife and I have to feed them three meals a days, let them stay in the guest room, rearrange our leisure time completely while they monopolize the television, computer, and whatever else they choose to take over.
They NEVER offer any money to compensate. It's just a free time for them.
One night recently, I reached the breaking point when my brother-in-law's wife happened to see a new picture of me that showed the length of my hair really well. Her immediate response was to say, "Oh, God!" right in front of me, my son, and whoever else was in earshot. I looked at her like, "What?!" She shuddered and said, "I just can't get past that hair! I hate it!"
All I could think of was how ungrateful she was (not to mention rude) right after we had waited on her hand and foot for about a week. She went on to say that her grandson would NEVER be allowed to "look like that"! I said she better face it that the child would grow up someday and whether she liked it or not, he would have his own free will at some point and not just live to to please her. She just spouted off some crap about that day would never happen, etc.
It won't happen again. She will NOT BE ALLOWED back in this house if all she can do is use us and then go down the list about all the things she doesn't like about us. I really don't know if she is just so dumb she doesn't know she makes people react the way she makes them do, or if she simply doesn't care.
But, in no time at all, she made me feel like a piece of dirt just because she doesn't like the way my hair looks--and she purposely insulted me in my own home.
I know they have another appointment in early October. Common sense says they will be contacting us pretty soon for permission to stay again. I don't want to offend my wife's family, but I don't want to be run over by them any more, either.
What would you do?
Steve
I had a similar situation where my mother would complain about my
hair. I finally reached the breaking point and told her "this
is my house, i'll wear my hair the way I want. If you don't like
it then you're welcome to leave and never return."
Where it was my house, and I paid the bills, it was my rules.
Yes it sounds harsh but she accepted it and I never had any more
complaints.
Hi Steve,
What you described is just maddening!I will offer this as a suggestion.When you see your inlaws coming, shut off the lights,hide in the basement, and release the hounds!I know,I know it sounds far fetched but it's amazing what a big dog could accomplish:)Just trying to lighten the mood.Good luck, you'll need it.
Mark
I'm amazed that someone would say something like that while staying at your house. Even if they didn't like your hair long, that's an awful way to say it. It would be different to see a picture of you with short hair and say they like the way it looks. Also they are your wife's family, so it's not like it's your family that's known you your whole life. That seems extremely rude. I usually shrug off rude comments, but this sounds like more than just a rude comment about your hair. It sounds like blatant disrespect towards you in your own home.
This is a real tough situation for you. I can't deal with those kind of people either. I know this may be a bit rude, actually very rude, but maybe you should turn the table on her. Mention every thing that you think is wrong with her. The two most likely outcomes here are: It will make her think before she speaks, becoming more considerate, or she won't visit again for years.
Maybe it is time to limit their visit to just one day only. If they want to stay longer, there is always Motel 6.
Maybe tell her this: God created both men and women with the ability to grow their hair long. God, in all his infinite wisdom, ordained it this way.
Maybe this grandson will grow his hair out someday and she will be forced to accept it.
This is a very good choice to make. She has already caused you enough grief. Again, there is always Motel 6.
That behaviour is unacceptable.
I assume that their presence is causing your wife some grief too. Otherwise, the above mentioned won't work too well for you.
Scott
Hey Steve....
Since you asked "What would you do?"....I'll put my two cents in....if it seems I'm critical or overly judgmental, then take what I'm about to say it with a grain (or perhaps a ton) of salt...It's meant with the best of intentions, though it may sound harsh...
First, to paraphrase the late, great Dear Abby (yes, I admit it-- I read her column to pass the time during those long, long subway commutes)...no one can take advantage of you unless you allow it.....so, I'm going to address YOUR actions rather than the dreadful ones of your sister-in-law. Mainly, why do you let her stay in your house in the first place? To keep peace? Why? Unless she is gonna leave a large inheritance for you in her will (and it certainly doesn't sound that way), just tell them to stay at a hotel ...if you want to invite them to dinner or spend time with them, that's YOUR choice...and then tell them to hit the road jack.... tell them to go to the Hyatt, go to the Marriott, go to the Comfort Inn..or just tell them to go to hell...problem solved..then they won't infringe on your free time, you don't have to cook them meals, etc. You are allowing them to do this to you...you need to take responsiblity for this..it's not your sister-in-law's fault..it's you and your wife's fault..you allow it...if the sister-in-law doesn't like that she can't stay at your home....tough @@##....
If what I said is easier said then done, then my question is why? When you visit them, do you stay at their house for a week and freeload there for week...so your relatives are just reciprocating? (Somehow, I don't think you do that to your relatives.)
The word NO is powerful, simple and direct....YOU are allowing their boorishness to continue....it sounds to me you are in your late forties or older...it's time...you need to take responsibility for them taking advantage of you.....
As for her comments on your hair, that's not your fault that she made them...but you allowed her to continue insulting you...me, I'd have told her to shut up or leave my home...Actually, I'd have told her to @@@@ off...case closed....
Of course, you can be much more diplomatic with her than I might be... no cursing her, no yelling at her, no arguing with her...really, what's the point?...to keep in their good graces?....no way...they are insulting you and making you feel bad, angry, etc...who needs that nonsense in your life?....life is hard enough without all the extra grief those relatives are giving you....
I hope I didn't sound too harsh because I know what it's like to deal with insufferable relatives.....I feel for you....
Oh yeah, by the way....there were only two tidbits of information I ever kept from Dear Abby....one was what I told you about being taken advantage of.....and the other was that she really did think her sister was a bitch....Hey, even Dear Abby had problems...who'd have thunk? (thunk? is that even a word?)And for those of you brave enough or foolhardy enough to have read this entire reply, I hope I didn't bore you too much (oops, too late!)....To the multitude of posts I constantly read here about men thinking of growing their hair, or worried what people would say or worried about the awkward stage....
Just grow your hair....and don't worry about all the other stuff...like dealing with people's negative reactions or getting a haircut for a job...these things usually work out if YOU take control of the situation....The only concern you should have is to grow your hair and to forget about all the other negativity out there...(although admittedly, the teens here who are living with parents who hate long hair, you might have to wait till you're on your own)
Just remember, the older you get, you might not have the ability to grow long hair (like it or not, almost 80% of men have some degree of hair loss as they age...only a small percentage will have a full head of hair by the time they're 60 and have it as thick as it was in their 20s... the majority of men have some sort of receding, however slight, even if they do not go bald....sad but true....)...
Jeez, now I know why I only respond to a message every 5 years or so........To all the guys on this site, thanks for your inspiration....you are truly are a plethora of prodigious pulchritude....how's that for vocabulary building?...and I'm not even cramming for my SATS....
Was your wife on scene to winess her sister-in-laws' social ineptitude? If she was mshe should 9I hope) agree with you and have no qualms about your action to put up the "No vacancy" sign. If she was not present, You need to explain and hopefully have her agreement, to hold off any domestic discord. Regardless, Your sister-in-laws, presence vexes you so, and with good reason. you may have to explain why they are now persona non grata. Too often such acts occur with no consequences and the problem continues. You may also, if apologies are presented, and accepted, also explain that the free kitchen, entertainament center and free internet services will be sharply curtailed, That perhaps they should at least offer a meal to you on their dime. Being family is no excuse for boorish behavior and freeloading.
No. The sister-in-law always manages to act this way when my wife isn't around to hear it. My wife is definitely with me on this and feels we ought to speak to her in the very same way, just to see how that goes over!
All too often that just leads into a pissing contest, and brings you down to her level. I'd say your best bet is simply to talk to her and the brother-in-law to let them know that a) her manner of speaking to you is completely unacceptable, especially as a guest in your home and that b) the extended "commandeering" of your home and free time needs to change. After that, as Trolleypup said, "let the chips fall where they may". They can either start treating you and your home with more respect, or they can find other accomodations.
Frodo
Exactly.
* After she has her say, then tell her what you don't like about her hair. Tit for tat. See how she likes that!
*Why do your wife and you have to feed them and do all of these things? Were you asked? Are you suppose to jump every time they snap their fingers? Next time announce that they are to bring their own food "if" they are intending to stay, though they had not been invited. Also ask for an X sum of $$$ to "help-out" with expenses for the extra utilities that they will be using. CASH UP FRONT! And, they are top send you the $$$
"in advance" as a USPS MO! NO check, no entry into your house.
*Well then, you have to tell them that you must charge them something.
* Tell her that you hate hers just a much, so now you are both equal.
*Who told you that you had to wait on her hand and foot?
*I'm quite sure this bitch on wheels knows EXACTLY what she is doing. Somebody has to tell her that it is time she grew up and to get real. At this point, do you really care what you say to her? She surely couldn't give a rip what she says to you.
*She can only do this if you allow her to. Walk out of the room or walk right up to her face and say: "Comment out of bounds!"
*You have made other plans for "next time" so sorry, but there are Motels nearby or whatever. And of your other plans? (You and your wife have decided to no longer allow yourselnes to be abused.) The ball is all in YOUR court, and you don't have to take this.
*Who cares. I wouldn't give another thought to her. AND I WOULDN'T LET HER STAY IN "YOUR" HOUSE EVER AGAIN. "If" you feel that you must meet her, meet in a "McDonalds" and please tell her to play in "Kiddy Land." When people end-up like this and are abusive and insulting, it is about impossible to change. You and your wife must have better things to do with your life than be slapped around and insulted in your own house. How about severing the ties. Sometimes it has to be done, family or not, and done to save your own sanity.
good luck
Justin~
That is a great reply. Do check out my choice words below too. Those inlaws are outlaws.
Scott
Hey Scott!
Good one and choice of words. And yes, you are so right. There ARE inlaws and OUTLAWS. You hit the nail right on the head.
But oh, how could I forget this one other delightful little catagory: "Loved ones." That could go either way. LOL
Take care Scott :-)
Justin~
Thanks a lot, Justin. You know, it's kinda funny but every time she does go off on a rant about what she doesn't like, she always makes certain my wife is not in hearing distance. I guess she knows my brother-in-law will nail her butt if she offends his sister--as well he should.
I have decided the next time she announces that they want to come up, I'm going to speak to her point blank about the kind of things she causes to happen every time she's here. If she acts like I think she will, she won't take any responsibility for anything--and that's when I will tell her that it's better that they don't come.
Hi! :-)
*Hmmmmmm, sneaky bitch isn't she. She knows "EXACTLY" what she is doing and uses YOU as HER personal WHIPPING POST! Reason? Most probably she hates herself, and so she delights in having someone to lash-out at, torture, destroy and make miserable your life. Well, if this her GREAT satisfaction of life, guess it is about time for her to find someone else. Bullies are always insecure people and will pick on a target that they know they can get away with. Time for her to walk the plank out of your life for good.
* Well, of course, you know the whole picture better than I do, but people like this just do not change. Oh sure, they might "act" sweet and dear for a little while and then all hell will once again break loose on you. (She can hide or even be nasty to you on the phone as long as nobody is within listening distance to her.) This kind of person has to be spoken to right between the eyes. But the real solution is to severe all ties, family or not. Either that, or more of her and possible damage to your overall well-being and health. I rather think that you and your wife come first.
I wish you well and am sorry that this has been happening to you. I DO feel, "another chance" will not work with such a person.
All the best-
Justin~
ps: Here is how my phone conversation would go if I had her to deal with:
Her: We're coming up to your place on Oct 3rd so be ready for us.
Me: Just so happens we have other plans, but please enjoy the trip anyway.
And with that, hang up the phone. HARD, WITH A BANG!
"I'm sorry, you are not welcome in my house, please find other accommodations while you are in town. We are also not interested in spending any time with you.
Thank you."
Let the chips fall where they may.
Hey Trolleypup! :-)
Think I (and just talking about myself here) would be inclined to leave-off the "I'm sorry" or the "please" part of the statement. But, in me older age perhaps I am losing patience with people the likes of the bitch-witch. LOL
But yes and absolutely, let the chips fall where they may by all means and no loss if these people are never seen or heard from again.
All the best-
Justin~
Steve you will be well off not letting them stay in your home if that is how your sister in- law feels. Your home is your castle, you and your wife set the rules no one else does. Stand up to her, she sounds very ungrateful.
Tom(Hairboy)
You have my sympathies. To be honest, I'm surprised you didn't call her on her manners then and there, but a verbal assault like that can come as a shock and leave you speechless. Saying that, it's probably a good thing that you didn't, because sometimes, it's best to come up with a reasoned response rather than saying things in the heat of the moment that you regret later.
My suggestion would be that when they get in touch to organise their next freeloading session, you say to her or your brother-in-law that she made it quite clear on her previous visit that she didn't think you were good enough for her, and that you're surprised that they would actually want to spend time with you and your family.
I would also insist on an apology from her for her bad manners - ideally to your face - before she sets foot in your home again. If you ever do receive that apology, I'd also make it clear that you're not happy with being taken advantage of and that you're not going to put up with it any longer.
All the best
This is plain bad manners by any standards. Insulting your appearance and values in your own home is way beyond the pale, and should be challenged immediately, firmly but politely.
As in how would she like it if you ridiculed her hairstyle?
Either this woman is too thick to see how much offense she is causing, and how inappropriate her behaviour is, or she is delberately stirring things to see what she can get away with. Either way, you don't want this sort of thing in your own home.
You don't say what your wife feels about this, or even if she is aware of the situation, but you must of course agree on a united front in your dealings with this.
I hope things are resolved without too much awkwardness.
Maybe you could suggest staying for a week at her place?
Regards, Andy
Ireland
Hi Steve,
I brought a female co-worker "friend" of mine several times to different dance classes and dance events, a beginner at partner dancing when I was already at the intermediate level and even a bit beyond that, all because I felt a bit sorry for her and offered to introduce her to people I knew in the local dance community.
I once wrote a long-time long-distance friend of mine who also happened to be a favorite dance partner from many years ago, the following summary at the end of a letter complaining about my co-worker:
1) she's very fat and she can't keep up with the music, can't even last a whole song;
2) she's got bad rhythm, and I have to keep talking in her ear to help her keep her timing;
3) she's extremely unattractive to look at...
4) she behaves in a childish, jealous manner around my friends & regular dance partners, and has even become quite possessive around other women;
5) she's CHEAP -- she just sits there and expects me to pay for all of her drinks, as well as I treat her to the entrance fee!
6) and I'm a gay guy -- so what the hell am I doing in this crazy situation???
After finishing writing that letter and sending it off to my good friend (the long-time female who happens to be an EXCELLENT dancer, as well as also happens to be drop-dead gorgeous to boot - LOL), I realized who the fool was in this situation: me!
I never brought my fat co-worker to another dance again.
Does that answer your question? (LOL)
- Ken in San Francisco
Good thing I wasn't drinking when I read that last line, I'd have made a mess of my keyboard!! Thanks for a good laugh, Ken. :D
Frodo
Sorry to hear this is happening to you, Steve. I could be wrong, and I don't know the whole story, but with the info you gave, my take on this is:
This woman is not insulting your hair because she doesn't like it; she is insulting it because she recognizes how much it means to you, and she really, really wants to elicite a strong negative response from you. She enjoys upsetting you, it gives her a feeling of power. There are people who purposefully provoke negative energy in others, then "feed" off it, so to speak. They are highly manipulative, know exactly what they are doing, and are able to zone in on the "weakness" of their "prey." If you cut your hair (I am NOT suggesting that you cut it, simply illustrating a point), she will find some other way to provoke you. And I am guessing that she views herself perfect in every way, or has a "reason" (read:excuse) for something that is not perfect about herself; and when something goes wrong, she does not take personal responsibility for it, but always claims it is the fault of someone or something else. You also stated that she is negative towards you in private, but not when around your wife, and that she belittles you in ways other than your hair. I am guessing that she behaves nicely - sometimes too nice, like it's an act - in front of other people, and lies about, or makes light of, the things she has said to you in private (i.e. "Oh, I was just kidding" or "I never said that!"). This is NOT ABOUT YOUR HAIR. This woman is the type that chooses one or more targets (you), then instigates a strong negative response (the stronger, the better for her) by one or more means, "feeds" off of the negative energy, and leaves the victim (you) feeling very deflated, upset, confused, angry, hurt, and drained. She is controlling your emotions, and she is enjoying every sadistic second of it. You need to keep her out of your life as much as possible. If/when you are around her, you need to cut off your emotions. Shut them down, show nothing, do not give her what she wants. This will most likely cause her to provoke you even more, possibly even come up with ways to upset you that she has previously not used. Do not give in, show her no emotion, give her absolutely nothing to feed off of. Over time, she will provoke you less and less if she does not receive the negative response she craves. But you still should keep her out of your life as much as possible.
I suspect that your brother-in-law is not happy in this marriage, and is using you and your wife as a buffer between himself and his wife - that is why they stay for an entire week, so he can have a week of you two buffering him from his negative and manipulative wife. Whatever is going to happen to your brother-in-law's marriage (stay married or divorce) needs to happen *without* you and/or your wife being the buffer. You need to keep this woman and her negative energy away from you, your family, and your home. People like her do not change; you need to keep her negative power and control out of your life as much as possible.
I am actually amazed that anyone, no matter the circumstance would allow someone to run another person down, never mind it is in your own home.
This person obviously has no manners and would be told immediately that she nor her husband were welcome back until she apologized and changed their ways. It would be made clear that her opinions are not welcome when they are clearly meant to be hurtful and embarrass and that you would never begin to make a disparraging comment about her. That her taking advantage of you and her sister on their impromptu visits would not be allowed in the future until her manners improved. I would certainly hope that your wife would have stepped up as well and told her sister that her comments and her disrespectful attitude was not appreciated.
I am actually amazed that anyone, no matter the circumstance would allow someone to run another person down, never mind it is in your own home.
This person obviously has no manners and would be told immediately that she nor her husband were welcome back until she apologized and changed their ways. It would be made clear that her opinions are not welcome when they are clearly meant to be hurtful and embarrass and that you would never begin to make a disparraging comment about her. That her taking advantage of you and her sister on their impromptu visits would not be allowed in the future until her manners improved. I would certainly hope that your wife would have stepped up as well and told her sister that her comments and her disrespectful attitude was not appreciated.
Steve,
A word of advice
get this woman out of your life completely!
she really is a miserable person and wants to excel at making you feel miserable too-possibly lowering your self-esteem in the process.
avoid her at all costs because from what you've said she's already had quite a detrimental effect upon you psychologically and I can sense as many of the others here probably have already that you're very upset with this whole situation.
it is better to associate with those who will lift you up, not bring you down!!
Sorry to hear about your sister-in-law's ungrateful critiques of you.
What I've noticed through experience is that those who do that sort of thing to others are generally pretty miserable people. I don't see how any genuinely happy person can behave like that. And based on your comments, it sounds like she may also have a bit of a control problem.
In that sense, I wouldn't take it too personally. Her words and actions say much more about herself than you, so consider the source of the comments and stay well above that behavior.
Maybe you could communicate with your wife about this and set some boundaries. Maybe come to an agreement on how long they can stay and talk about how your sister-in-law's comments are annoying you.
The last thing to do with people like this is to get into a loud argument/shouting match. Some tend to love that stuff and feed off of it, so sometimes going that route puts you on their "turf": their psychological dysfunction.
I hope you get it worked out. Take care.
qn 1 - what does your wife say?
qn 2 - if its that bad why the f*ck not?? - say NO - and mean it
Don't you dare let them over. She's childish and spoiled, and needs a little slap in the face like that, of taking the convienence of a place to stay away, at least for a while. Perhaps QUITE a while - until she understands why - REALLY understands, not just a fake apology & give us our privelige back.
Be strong.
John C