new thread
Long post but oh well...here goes nothing.
So recently, according to my parents i'm a fu***d up 17 kid.
Been receiving lots of BS from them lately about the music i listen to, the way i am, the things i find enjoyable and the people i hang out with.
I'm mostly into the underground subculture of black and death metal, so they are very aggressive and ignorant towards this and think that growing my hair is a way of expressing my love for this genre of music.(Which is not i just fricking love long blonde hair k?)
Today my dad DEMANDED me to get my hair cut. I mean, really dude? Why should i do that? It's been 8 long months and i really don't want all this hard work,will and patience go to waste. I've been forced to get it cut last year as well, and even the hairdresser was confused at to why parents would DEMAND their kid to get a hair cut. My mane has started growing out very well, and i love the way it feels, the way it has it's own life/identity/soul..And i'm very proud of my Scandinavian or let's say ''viking'' ancestry, so cutting my hair would be like cutting off my MANHOOD.
I don't really care, and i'm not gonna listen, since its MY hair and MY head. But i would like for you guys to give some tips or perhaps some advice how to counter this. And i would also like your story on how your parents friends e.t.c. reacted if you ever tried to grow out your hair when you were teenagers.
Peace,
Psyche
This sounds terrible, I'm so sorry =( I can relate to you.
People relate long hair on men to lots of things they find negative on society, and subcultures is one of them. Not intending to be judgemental myself, people relate these kinds of subcultures to drugs, alcohol, and an unhealthy lifestyle.
Of course, when that's the case, and there are bad lifestyles in every culture/subculture/social position or whatever, that is a bad thing.
So, I think that the best thing you can do about that is showing your parents the reasons why you love what you love, and how it makes you happy and a balanced healthy person. People need diferent things to be happy and healthy, but in general society names what's good for you from what's a standard way of living, and that's such a close minded way of seeing it.
I was never forced to cut my hair but I have it long because I like feminine things and androginy, and that's hugely controversial for men as well. I did my master's degree around feminine men and it still didn't solve things yet, but you just have to strive for yourself. I'm 23 now and I'm still fighting for the things I want for me, and for my right to have them.
You have to keep in mind that being diferent, or even, not being "normal", "standard", or "regular" will always make you a freak in a lot of people's eyes, and that sucks of course. The way to deal with this is realize that it's society in general who is lacking on knowledge and the will to make conections with diferent people and treasure them for their unique qualities instead of putting them apart and making fun of them, all because they're scared of what they don't know or don't understand. This is probably the case with your parents, and especially at your age, they probably feel like they should know everything about you and understand you, but how could they? How can they understand things they never lived or that they don't know about? It's up to you to be more rational than them, understand that they might be lacking knowledge and have the patience to defend yourself and explain to them why you are suposed to live the way you want, and prove to them that they can be safe about your health and future, since that's generally what parent's care about the most.
In the end, I'm sure they love you very much and only want what "they think" it's best for you.
I really understand where you're at right now. I can't tell you that this has a permanent solution. I suggest you take baby steps and introduce them to the things you enjoy.
I wish you the best luck and I hope I was somehow helpfull! Sorry for the long post though!
João David
I'm really sorry to hear what you are going through. I can relate myself because my religious high school used to make me cut my hair all the time. They considered it a form of discipline to have short hair, even though I never understood that concept. My dad used to make me cut it when I was a teenager as well and it made me upset every time. Long hair was always part of my identity and I knew I wanted it since I was a kid. I was never allowed to have it which just made me want it a whole lot more. My suggestion is to give in to some of your parents demands but not all. This way they won't think you are growing the hair in order to rebel, but because you like it. I'd also suggest dressing a little nicer around them. I know it sounds silly and irrelevant, but if you dress all metal around them AND have the hair, then they will assume the worst... they are parent after all =/
Anyway I wish you the best of luck. DON'T GIVE IN and do NOT cut off your hair. That would be like cutting off a part of your body.
Keep us updated on the situation and let me know if you need anymore help.
Hey man thanks for the reply, thought i'd update on here and say that i do NOT dress in a ''metal'' looking way, only metal thing bout me i'd say are the band t-shirts. And they are ok with that.
I dress normally, without silly chains dangling beneath my legs or any sort of funny attire like that. But still they are worried for some bizarre and mind-boggling reason.
I was certainly upset when i posted this last night, since it really hit me out of the blue. But i'm not doing it to rebel, so i'll try to explain to them slowly that i actually ENJOY having long hair... (it's still medium-ish but it's getting there!).
Oh and thanks to everyone that replied.
Psyche.
It occurs to me that perhaps part of the problem is that your hair is likely at the awkward stage where it looks messy no matter what you do and that's partly what they're objecting to. So perhaps you need to explain to them how you want your hair to eventually look and that the unkempt look is just something one has to endure to reach the end result.
Good luck!
--Dale
I'm 60 years old and have hair down to the middle of my back, because I like it that way. So, yeah, I do see why you wear it just because you like the way you look with it; that goes without saying. I will say, though, that one reason your parents are acting the way they are toward the situation MIGHT be the attitude you show toward them. If you SPEAK TO THEM the same way that you WROTE ABOUT THEM in your post here on the board, then--as a parent, myself--I can definitely tell you that they are feeling hurt and at wits end, not knowing exactly HOW to deal with everything. Yes. I get it. This is about your hair. But, you need to understand that acting like they're the enemy isn't going to do ANYTHING to help your cause. Discuss it with them in a tone of voice like YOU would want to be addressed in, showing some respect instead of acting like they owe you something, and you might be surprised how agreeable they become.
Amen, I agree!!
I also want to add a comment that I hope will help this young man: if a 17 year old who still lives at home and is still financially dependent upon his parents for his survival will focus on getting excellent grades in school right now, then most likely his parents will not care one hoot about how long he grows his hair.
Any teenager who lives under his parents' roof and is totally financially dependent upon these adults in order to survive, has to realize that this situation does not last forever... Some day (SOON) teenagers eventually become adults, and have to make it on their own -- which takes making $$ on your own in order to financially survive. The better grades a kid gets in school, the more likely he will graduate from college and get a good-paying job.... Etc., etc., etc...
I had to leave home at age 18 because I had a very difficult father (including re. him hating and not allowing long hair on any males in his household). This was right after he divorced my step-mom, and tossed out my step-brothers as well. I gave up completing a college education at that time, going out into the work force at an earlier age than I wish I had to, because of not getting along with him (including not getting along with him on the hair issue).
I'm not a parent; but I've seen what all of my brothers have had to go through with each of my nieces and nephews, and can only add that neither side is very easy -- but compassion, kindness, and a few thoughtful and caring words, as well as showing mutual respect, will go a much longer way than animosity and bad-mouthing will ever do.
My $.02, anyway!
- Ken in San Francisco
- Ken in San Francisco
I never repeat myself. And I also never repeat myself! (LOL)
- Ken, the old geezer
- Ken, the old geezer!
So ... where are you again, Ken? :)
Damon
I agree with the other replies here- maybe a bit of give and take is required. They may be worried it is some sort of gang style. Try and see their point of view and allay their worries about lifestyle etc. Show you can dress a bit "smart", as much as you can stand to anyway. Also I would suggest keeping the hair clean and perhaps if it's long enough wear it in a ponytail whenever around your parents.
Only a few suggestions-but try and meet your parents halfway, and you shouldn't reasonably have to compromise on the hair length.
When i was younger I was always trying to push things hairwise, the parents were not too bad about it, but the school principal had the last word I'm afraid. I'm much older now and people have given up telling me how to cut my hair.
regards
Andy
Psyche,
I am a 50 year old scientist and advocate of long hair. Since you are 17, I presume you are still a dependent of your parents, so you may have to compromise somewhat until you are not under their roof. I agree that it's your hair. But for some reason, some people have a hissy fit when a man's hair goes past the shoulders down the back. So perhaps a compromise solution would be to wear it shoulder length (for now). At the same time I am trying to educate people about long hair. You should get a copy of my book, Our LONG HAIRitage, that explains how and why longer hair is healthier. It also has a great historical about our long haired ancestors and it gives a plug for the long-haired Scandinavians. Give the book to your dad to read so that he too can be educated. "Our LONG HAIRitage" completely abolishes all arguments against long hair. http://longhairitage.com.
I'd tell them to f**k off, myself, actually. What would your father do to you? My mom got so bad sometimes, I would swear at her and say I wouldn't give in no matter WHAT she tried to do or actually did.
If you really want to keep it or do what you want, you have to be prepared to face whatever they might do. Not take it, neccessarily, but be prepared. Possibly prepared even to talk to the police about threats if they get out of hand, or maybe having to move out even. It'll probably end up being all bark and no bite, where they try to control you by finding a way to scare you. If you can withstand that you'll probably have success.
I like the Vikings too, and made a rosewood hairstick based on the bone ones the men and women used in the Bronze age to wear their hair in a bun. They're on the website, Urweg dot com. They have the hand carved replicas of combs too, in bone.
I agree with you regarding your right to having long hair. But as you may have heard from the others who replied to you, you have to engage in an intelligent, respectful dialogue with them in order to get them to at least see your side of the arguement. Also, keeping it as neat as possible, especially during the awkward growth stage will help your cause.
I truly feel for you. I remember all the times as a pre-teen trying to grow my hair, only to be dragged to the barber to get buzzed. But some day, when you are on your own, you will not have to answer to anyone regarding your hair. Hang tough, and I hope your parents change their tune!