new thread
Hello all! I'm here because I've been a loyal MLHH fan for nearly 8 years. Recently, she has been trying to get me to cut it short. Although in the beginning of the relationship, she loved it, she now denies ever even liking it. However, she grabs it now and then and says 'it's so sexy'.
Here is my thought. Every once in a while, when we go out to restaurants, the maitre d or the waitstaff would address us as "Ladies". An honest mistake, but this makes her furious. She always responded with "I am NOT a lesbian and I'm sick of being mistaken for one!". Anyone on this board who knows me, knows I have a sense of humor about clumsy comments, but unfortunately, my girlfriend cannot come to terms with the ignorance of others.
I do ponytail it, but even that isn't enough at times. Sometimes I let beard stubble grow, but it is too sparse and noone sees it.
Any suggestions? I have thick skin, as many longhairs do, but it is hard to convince the g/f to ignore such silly comments.
One of the many lessons I've had to learn over and over again in life is to remind myself of the fact that you can't ever wait for another person to change their thinking or behavior, you only have the power to change how you think and behave -- including how you react /inter-act with another person you love (but are sometimes disappointed with, and/or get frustrated over their stubbornness about hot-button issues).
My suggestion would be for you to grow MORE hair, not less -- including, if possible, facial hair!
If your girlfriend really loves you for you, then she will not try to "change" you into something or someone that you are NOT.... End of story!
- Ken in San Francisco
Hi again Savage Hair,
I forgot to add in a comment about your g/f's statement re. not wanting to be mistaken for being a lesbian...
Living in San Francisco, I know a lot of lesbians. However, I can't think of a single one of them that has any facial hair (although maybe some of them WISH they could grow it - LOL) -- which is one of the reasons I suggested to you to grow some facial hair!
Homophobia is a strange bird. I've known strait women in my own past who are terrified of either being around lesbians, or of being mistaken for one. Similarly with strait men re. gays -- some men are totally confident in who they are, and so have no problem being around gay men (or of accidentally being mistaken as possibly being gay); while others find the thought completely terrifying!
Sometimes logic and reasoning can help a person overcome unfounded fears like that; but sometimes the phobia is very deeply ingrained for whatever reason. In any case, I hope your g/f eventually lightens up a bit about this, as she certainly has no logical reason for being afraid she's secretly a dyke!
Being a gay guy myself, I have never been offended for being mistaken as a strait man (LOL) -- which happens most of the time I meet people! Imagine my embarrassment every time I meet an attractive woman on the dance floor (I used to do a lot of Swing dancing, C&W, Salsa, and a little bit of Ballroom), and noticing yet another of these lovely females showing a lot of interest in me, I might eventually have to take her to the side and explain that I'm no good at "horizontal Mambo" with women -- only vertical, and remaining fully clothed (LOL).... Well, I guess we all have our burdensome crosses to bear, don't we? (!)
Anyway, 'nough said! I hope that you and your g/f can work things out!
- Ken
Thanks, Ken That is so true. I'll definitely take the advice you give me. And I'll grow more hair! Facial hair is impossible to grow, due to my American Indian heritage. And the high cheekbones, thanks to Mom!
Hi SavageHair,
First of all happy Thanksgiving!Now with that out of the way I 'd have to agree with what Ken said below.Nothing for nothing but it is your hair and you have the right to wear it the way that makes you feel good about yourself.If she's worried about being mistaken as a lesbian when with you at restaurants maybe she should cut her hair short!You think they'd make the mistake and address your girlfriend as Sir!LOL.Oh what a nutty world we live in that we can't just be ourselves and not what others think we should be.I hope you don't make a bad decision just to appease her.You never know as you could cut your hair today and she could leave you tomorrow.Not that she would but if she did then you are left holding the bag with a buzzed head:(Anyway hope you enjoy your Thanksgiving and consider what your friends here at mlhh offer on this subject.Cheers
Mark
m
I agree with the others and what they have said. If your gf loves you she will understand how important your hair is to you and be content with it. I'm glad to see you are at peace with the comments and laugh them off that's a good attitude to have. Life's to short to worry about what some stranger may say or think.
All the best to you,
Jeremy
Hello there =)! Sorry to hear about that, but in my eyes, she is not respecting your right to be yourself. Try to be reasonable with her and see what happens. As Mark said below, you could get a haircut and then she leaves you (Not that anyone here is seeing to that lol). Always remember, hair is one of your better companions. It's always there for you, is has it own "behavior" (which can be amusing or not to you), and when you both get together perfectly, it's THE marriage lol. If she is trying to change you, she should know that you can't, and you're not supposed to change anyone.
Big hug and good luck in your relationship with her!
Time for a new g/f! :)
This time lay down some rules:
1) must be easy-going
2) must have wicked sense of humour
3) miust like long hair on guys
4) must not change her mind later in the relationship!
;)
Damon
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Oh yeah ... and ...
5) must not give a **** what some bozo in a restaurant says but just lighten up and see the funny side
6) have enough self-confidence to do that!
Damon
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Pretty much what I was thinking!
When I notice myself have a reaction to something, I think: "Well, are they right or wrong?" If they are right, well, that is MY problem/issue, if they are wrong, well, it doesn't matter, does it?
And, like Ken, I'd worry more about the homophobia than anything else.
Ah! Thanks! Another rule ...
7) must not be homophobic or have any other sad prejudices which belong in the Stone Age
And, just throwing this in while we're at it ...
8) must think I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread
Oh okay, maybe Rule #8 is pushing my luck but the other seven seem pretty basic.
Damon
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I would definitely give her a thumbs up for her response!
YES!!! Definitely in the running! :)
Damon
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Hi
I made a video about this very subject a few months ago. Hope it helps. All the best-
Justin~
ps: Your long hair looks GREAT! :-)
You know I have always wondered how women would react if their boyfriends made the same request of them and said something like
"Honey, I'm tired of your long hair and if we're to stay together you're going to have to get your hair cut short and I would love to see you get a Pixie cut like Emma Watson!" lol
Could you imagine if we did that to women? they would completely lose it!
no, imho I think you should probably consider breaking up with her at this point.
if she is that paranoid about what others perceive of her being out with you in a public place mistaking you as a woman(you don't look like a lady to me btw) then she's probably very insecure about herself(the "lesbian" comment says it all).
I think this will continue on until she addresses her own personal issues.
I am sure you could find some nice lady that has no issues and does not care how others perceive her or her long haired boyfriends.
Good luck!
Thanks very much. I don't think she'll entertain the idea of doing an "Annie Lennox" for me, either. And I wouldn't want her to. It is all about happiness and being comfortable with yourself.
The g/f works in the corporate world and thinks men should be a certain way. Ted Lapidus suits, Bragano shoes and short hair! I told her "Hey, two out of three ain't bad!"
But seriously, I thank you for your comments!
Yo man, long hair greetings to ya. Here's a quick and entertaining story for you: when my girlfriend and I first met, she had long curly hair, and noticed I had the same hair-type as her (though mine wasn't long). I laughed and said, "probably not", but now that I've grown my hair out, she was right! People will say to us, "hey look you guys have the same hair", or "do you guys try to look the same?" to which I reply with whatever good-natured remark first comes to mind. About your girlfriend man...she sounds like a problem! You'll find someone who cares about you and who you are as a person...just take your time and wait for her. And good luck to you my friend, you look great.
Hello SavageHair! Your photo is awesome, thanks for sharing! :) Now on to my response: DO NOT CUT YOUR HAIR.
The problem you are experiencing in your relationship is not due to your hair. The real cause of your girlfriend's discontent is that she is not completely comfortable in her own skin. Each one of us has to figure out who we really are, what we believe in, our likes/dislikes, and hopefully get to the point where we are completely comfortable with ourselves. Some people are able to do this at a rather young age, but for most people it takes many more years and experiences in life to truely understand and accept ourselves.
Your gf obviously likes your hair, for she demonstrates this privately (i.e. grabbing it and saying, "it's so sexy"). The problem is when you two are in public - her concern for the way *she believes* other people perceive her outweights her true feelings. This is causing her internal confusion, which is expressed externally as anger. She feels upset and uncomfortable inside herself, but can't figure out the true reason why ~ so she does what a lot of people do: blame the uncomfortable feelings (which are invisible) on something that is highly visable (in this case your hair). So she mistakenly thinks that if you cut your hair, she will not feel uncomfortable inside herself anymore. This is not a logical response, it is an emotional response; it indicates that she is presently highly emotional and not able to step back and view the situation objectively. She is right in the middle of the process of figuring out who she really is, and is having a difficult time reconciling what her own heart/mind/spirit tell her with what she has been taught to believe through religion/culture/family/community/peers. We all go through this; it is relatively easy for some people, but can be quite difficult for others. You did not cause her to feel this way (like I said, everyone goes through this process), and you cannot reconcile it for her (by cutting your hair or through any other means). It is HER journey, SHE has to go through it. What you can do: first, always be true to yourself, to who you really are. Changing something about your true self, solely for someone else, only leads to resentment and regret. Secondly, you can be there for her emotionally, having honest and open conversations - with no judgement - about what she is really feeling and thinking. And you need to remember that she may be very irrational and emotional at times - when this happens, remember that anything she says is not really about you, but is a reflection of her emotional state.
Good luck with whatever happens. :) :)
Thank you, Laura! I appreciate the compliment and will not cut my hair! I intend to grow it longer if possible.
You are right. My g/f is a bit of a conformist. I adore her, but she is concerned with what people think. Hence, she won't introduce me to her co-workers at her company. But I'll say she does say she likes it, but wishes I would cut it. I did tell her she needs to accept me as she found me. I intend to better myself in many ways, got the MBA a few years ago, and may undertake other projects. She does overreact about the "Ladies" faux pas. As you said, she needs to finish her journey of self-discovery. Thank you for the kind words!
Hate to say it, but that should tell you something if she won't introduce you to the people she works with and you know for a fact that the hair is the reason why. All of my wife's friends and co-workers know about my hair length. The two of us have the attitude that if they don't care for it, they don't see me that much anyway and, hey, I didn't grow it out for them in the first place, so they can just chill.
Steve
Suggestions?
Grow it even longer.
Thanks very much! I intend to grow it much longer!