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I am beyond stressed out over my son's hair. Not hardly a day goes by that he isn't accidentally called a girl when in public & I am always being told how I need to get his hair cut by strangers, friends, & even family. He just started t-ball this spring & the first practice a boy called him a girl. My son said, I'm a boy. The other kid said well you look like a girl and you need a hair cut. My son said, I don't want a hair cut. The other kid says, well every time I see you I am calling you a girl. So my son pushes him and then it escalates from there with kicking & hitting. I had to walk out onto the field and stop it and tell the other kid my son is a boy and has the same equipment down below he had and that they are team mates so they had better get along and learn to play ball so maybe we could win a game. I was furious the coaches had done nothing and furious the kids parents just sat back. That was a long night for me as I struggled with being angry enough to take him out of t-ball or just go have his hair cut off. I cried that night. I think it's crazy how this bothers me so heavily and my son don't seem to care so much. When someone calls him a girl he always corrects them but not once has he came to me and said, mom, I want my hair cut. I have taken him into get it trimmed up some especially from his eyes and he usually pouts about it. Even after his t-ball practice deal he still didn't want his hair cut. I want him to succeed in life, have friends, and be accepted but I also want him to be "him". I worry about his mental state from being teased or called a girl. I guess what I'm looking for on here is suggestions, support, & advise on how to deal with what strangers say or even family & friends. And how to help my son still be a confident boy without feeling like a freak for his choice of longhair? The only thing I have ever told anyone who says he needs a hair cut or you need to get his hair cut is, he doesn't want a hair cut. Of course I've had some say, who is the parent? Or he don't know what he wants he is only 5. I guess I've just had it with people calling him the wrong gender and telling me what to do with my kids hair and I'm not a rude person but today I feel like I could be or need to start speaking my mind.
Hi Mom3,
Sorry to hear about how your son is being treated right now and what your having to deal with :( ! From the way it sounds, what I would suggest is that if you're going to let your son have a little freedom in how he looks, then support his wishes in his choices and back him up when he needs it. Neither having had short or long hair has never guaranteed successes in life nor does having long hair lead to mistaken gender identity. On that same note, just because your son is being called a girl doesn't mean he'll think he's one... like you've said, it's what's down there that matters. In fact, it sounds like he wholeheartedly defends himself on that point, anyways...
If you feel like your son is being bullied on his T-ball team, talk to the coaches, and if that doesn't have a good outcome, then pull him off of that team & put him on another... or help him find a different activity where he would find peers more accepting. Young kids usually point out to things that are different when they usually don't understand it. In a few years, though, given time (and if your son keeps his hair), his friends might finally see things in a different light.
But overall, do what's best for your son. To me, sounds like he likes his long hair, but that's up to you in the end, ultimately ^_~ . I hope he keeps it :) . Hope all comes out well for you both ^_^ ! Best of luck ^^ !
Sincerely,
yoshiki
First off, I'd like to say that I had (relatively) long hair for a period of five or six months. The school made me cut it off and tightened up on dress code, but I've noticed that they have particularly bad trouble enforcing that little code of theirs.
Unfortunately, that's the way that kids are. I just learned that anyone younger than 14 (that's the lower age that kids start reforming themselves, I've noticed... maybe the hormones start doing the right thing?) would start saying stuff about my hair. Most kids that reach that age (Myspace/Facebook age) typically would be mature enough to say anything. So just have to wait nine more years...
Unfortunately, even though little kids have big egos (I occasionally have to take care of them during church events. I know.), you have to figure out a way to lower it. Maybe he has to swallow his pride a little bit and get used to all the name calling. It's sort of like bullying -- after a while, if the other kid(s) don't get a response, they'll stop. I had to learn that growing up since I was the wimpy kid on the playground (unfortunately, the one with a really bad undercut).
At least he has support. I don't have any and I get offers from the wierdest possible people to ask me to get a haircut. In fact, my mom asked my youth pastor if I should get a haircut or not. Luckily for me, he said that he honestly didn't mind. (Yay!) On the other hand, my school (being a private school and all) is known for its homophobia and *required* conformity.
Have you tried pulling it back and tucking it into his uniform, and then using something like a hairglove to make sure that that [his tail] doesn't come out during some rough play.
Honestly, in my opinion as a teenager, you really won't start caring about your appearance until you're about 13 or 14 -- when the hormones kick in and girls don't have *cooties* anymore. Children don't need to look presentable until they become teenagers, but they shouldn't look like slobs either, before someone gets the wrong message. However, you should teach him proper hair hygiene (how to brush/comb it out and how to wash it) and all those niceties.
On the other hand, he's probably going to need braces. May I warn you that when he gets headgear, it's going to make a particularly nasty mark that doesn't come out except by washing his head. The neck brace should be put underneath his hair, so also to avoid that mark.
Also, if you need for him to go to a better (private) school, look for a secular one. Even though he may receive a lot of good attention in public school, he may receive also bad attention -- fights and that sort of thing get to a whole lower level in high school. And religious schools typically don't let hair go down below collar length.
Also, may I request for a picture of your son? I really want an idea of what I might have looked like had I had long hair ten years ago when I was a little boy instead.
First off, my heart goes out to you, as you are obviously dealing with a very monumental issue. Let me say, I commend your son for being able to shake off criticism like that. Many MEN aren't even capable of that, much less and young boy.
He's ahead of the game. If he has the emotional maturity to really not be bothered by those malicious children (or just absent-minded) he's a step ahead of many.
Just a quick story. I have hair down to my upper back (work in progress), and my wife and I were walking through a store. One of the attendants was walking up behind us and said "good afternoon, ladies". Once he saw my face he immediately started stuttering. I just smiled and said, "don't worry about it, bro, it happens all the time." And it does. The fact of the matter is that, as males in today's society we are going to be mistaken as a woman. That's life. Man = short hair, woman = long hair as far as people understand. Not their faults, it's just a fact. Those of us men that have long hair just need to deal with the "mistaken identity" from time to time. Your son is clearly of the higher breed that can smile, instead of getting upset about it.
But I see you're also dealing with malicious children that want to make fun of him for his hair. Let me tell you one thing: you don't want your son to be friends with them anyways. Even if his hair was to be cut and short, I'd still do everything in my power as a parent to keep that disgusting influence away from my son. So it's not about acceptance, as that would also be unadvised. As for the ridicule, short haired boys get made fun of too...trust me. If it isn't one thing, it's another.
This isn't to say that you should brush this off. First and foremost is the safety of your boy. If he is seriously bothered by this to any extent, talk to him in a serious light and tell him the life lessons that there's just some people out there that'll be like that you need to brush it off. Take strength in yourself and in your family (provided your family is supportive of your life).
Secondly, I would do a pretty swift march up to these kids' parents. When kids are malicious, and just bad in general it's typically not their fault. They do what isn't corrected or not taught wrong. You show me a bad kid, and I'll show you a bad parent. I'd walk up to the parent and take two approaches: 1) be civilized and ask that they talk to their child about their behavior. I'd be willing to bet, that with a child and (non)reaction like you explained, that probably won't get anywhere. You may have to go to the coach. And you said the coach did nothing. Go above him. Go until somebody is willing to listen. I guarantee you, there are local and state officials that will hear you out and do something about it. Bullying is particularly a very hot topic right now....rightfully so. I wish it was sooner. No government official wants to be the most important guy that ignored the mother claiming her son is getting bullied.
Your son is doing the right thing. He's strong. He'll be fine (but, again, as a parent you need to ensure this). You need to cope. Take happiness and comfort in your son's well-being and good fortune. What it comes down to, it's really you and him (and your other family) against the world. That attitude typically helps me brush off external ignorance.
Hi MOM3,
I will briefly add without unnecessarily repeating what others have already said. If he were to dress in clothes that had a strong masculine colour of blue, black, maybe with boys themed image logo on t-shirts and sweaters, (I'm thinking Wrestling, Sport, Trucks etc or even have his first name emblazoned on a custom t-shirt) it may help the conditioned social robot people to see him more as a boy then as a girl. Good luck.
Cheers,
Duncan
or need to start speaking my mind.
You just said it. If anyone says anything nasty about one of my own, I F*ckn speak my mind. So what is wrong with you? Speak up - no matter what, if your son or daughter has an issue and others start to bully (and that is the only word I have) - speak for them.
But also allow them to speak for themself. And teach them to stand up for themself too, which sometimes means you have to step back. And the whole girly thing - sorry nooo.. that just shows how thick they are.
In reply to Asdis, Duncan, Long Hair Guy, Matt, & Yoshiki.
Thank you all!
I do always dress my son in boy masculine clothes. He can be dressed in his John Deere camo shirt, or his monster truck shirt, or even all decked out in his western clothes and I swear people can't see cause they will still confuse him for a girl sometimes. Now that being said he does have beautiful straight blond hair, blue eyes and long black eye lashes. He is thick built though and looks like a boy body wise. So I guess most strangers just see his face and that's as far as they get when their mouth opens.
I asked again the other day if he wanted a hair cut for summer? He quickly informed me that he was never getting a hair cut. LOL!
I do homeschool so he doesn't have to meet public school dress codes. To be honest he hasn't ever had any other "kids" picking on him for his hair until t-ball. Of course I always prepare him by telling him, remember some kids can be very mean and say ugly things, it could be cause you have different shoes or you are not wearing name brands, or just anything different they can pick out to give you heck about & they will. I also have always taught him don't go looking for trouble but stand up for yourself. Guess he has just been lucky enough to of been around some great kids in all the other activities he has been in.
So I think I'll start preparing myself with a mental pep talk prior to going anywhere & I'll be ready for what ever comment or advise on my kids hair comes my way.
All in all I have discovered one thing from this, my son, even at only 5 yrs old, has a great self esteem & feels strongly about what he wants & who he is. That in it's self makes me smile. ;)
Bangs can look very girly, so a first measure I'd suggest is stop trimming it "out of his eyes".
About the bullying: kids will be kids, and as long as he doesn't ask for a haircut, it means he can handle it. Just make sure you have an open atmosphere at home where he CAN ask you for a haircut to stop being teased. He can always grow it out again later when he's no longer in school, a.k.a. Bullying Central.