new thread
First I apologize for the confusion in last post and also for the title and that wasn't good choice of wording. I am doing this post instead of adding to other post incase it's confusing. I actually wasn't clear in last post and wanted to clarify now. Right now I haven't recieved any negative comments but I have in the past but need advice because I am really depressed it will be the same as last time. In 2010 I wanted to grow long hair for first time but after family knew I wanted to grow long hair they kept saying get trimmed mostly my mom harrassed me about it so I stupidly did because I trusted her at the time and the woman who did it didn't do it even and one side looked long and other short so I had to shave it because it looked bad and at that time I realized your not supposed to trim it so i regrew it again and told my mom thats why it looked horrible due to trimming it when it was not even long. Also my Uncle said outloud that my hair was ridiculas during a family BBQ in front of family members in 2011 and i was upset that he did that but i just looked at him shock and didn't say anything. One day I told my mom that if she doesn't like long hair on me that her opinion but I want to grow and she said after she don't care but as long as its clean which she stills says today and it sounds like she thinks all long haired guys are dirty so I just ignore now and she doesn't really harrass me so far as much as before. Because I moved out last year so its really my business and she doesn't have to see me everyday. But in May I shaved my head because of negative comments from family and people I don't know. But after I did shave it i still felt depressed because I been wanting to grow long hair since 2010 and kept shaving it off and on with the same result of being unhappy. So know I really want to grow long hair and this time I am serious and sometimes I get depressed because i have to deal with comments for almost 2 years or however long it takes to grow it especially the awkward stage. Right now I mostly worry about familys comments and i am doing better not worrying with comments from strangers since I don't know them and they don't have no part of my life at the end of the day. Most of my fsmily is judgemental over things and i am basically the only one who doesn't care what others do and judge other's. My uncle also asked other week if I am growing it long and he gave a dirty look like its so wrong. The only ones in my family i worry is my Dad, Sister and Uncle and Grandparents and I need advice how to respond to them in a good way? Because I respect my elders and I don't want to respond really mean so if anyone who's had experience with dealing with elder family members that would help. I also liked Teds response because part of the response is what I was justing thinking while ago and that is that if I keep cutting it and not growing than they will win and they are happy but I will still be unhappy and also that's why they don't take me serious because I keep giving up. Same thing with my weight since I been cutting down on junk food i lost some weight and some family keeps saying I am to skinny and it's not their business I also got negative responses when shaving my head before so its true that they will find something to negative to say. I do agree life is short and I might not have hair when older due to something and I want to enjoy my hair now. As for my Uncle since hes been commenting more in bad way and I only seem few times a year mostly holidays so i dont get why its his business but I still like to know what would be good to say or do to get my point across without being disrepectful. The part that doesn't make sense my Aunt has short hair and and has been for very long time and that doesn't seem right to judge guys with long hair. Lastly the last several months everytime I go somewhere I see atleast 1 longhaired guy almost everytime and never noticed it until I wanted to grow hair again and I go with my mom since she goes in with me sometimes. I show her and said theres a guy with longhair adult guy because before she only said kids and music groups have long hair and i think that's why she hasn't been harrassing me as much since she was trying to get me to not grow it. Lastly my cousin wanted to really grow a long beard but he shaved it off due negative opinions and wasn't even long but starting to. Hes almost in is late 30s and I don't want want to be like him where someone stops me from growing long hair anymore especially since I am an adult.
Hi Ryan,
Thanks so much for taking the time to "paint a picture" (with words that is, so-to-speak) -- it gives me a clearer image of what you've been going through, and helps me to feel like my advise might be more on-target, rather than maybe miss the mark...
So, in a nutshell, this is what I understand to be your current situation:
You'd like to grow your hair out; but some of your relatives are very critical about it, as well as occasionally a few other people in your life also comment negatively about long hair on you. You'd like to tell them to mind their own business; but you also want to be polite to them... Did I get most of your story correct?
In my experience, the fewer and simpler the words, the better. You don't really "owe" anyone an explanation as to "WHY" you want to grow your hair long -- just that this is your preference, this is what you like, this is what you want to do... Period! It doesn't really matter whether it's your uncle, your mother, your dad, your long lost cousin, your best friend, or your ugliest enemy -- when it comes to YOUR HAIR on YOUR OWN HEAD, it's YOUR OWN DAMN BUSINESS. (Again, "period!" -- there's nothing more that needs to be said!)
I realize that "in real life", problems are not always as easy to solve as they sound on paper; so let me share a few other ideas that have worked well for me in the past...
Worst-case-scenario, whenever I have vehemently disagreed with someone about how I am "supposed to" run my own personal life (according to them), I find myself able to deal with their intrusiveness better by simply distancing myself from them. This distance can be physical (example: moving farther away from these people), or it can be an increase in time-distance (visiting someone less frequently, or in some cases, no longer visiting them at all), or it can be simply "emotionally" distancing oneself a bit (no longer confiding too much in them if they are not respecting your own personal wishes).
Under the very worst of the worst-case-scenarios, keep in mind that if someone is very rude and disrespectful towards you, you do have the right to defend yourself -- including, if they don't know how to behave themselves properly and/or listen to you the first time, to say something BLUNTLY to them, like: "Mind your own business!"
There has only been one time in my life when I had to use severe language when an old dance partner and formerly close friend of mine wouldn't shut up about her critical comments about my long hair -- forcing me to be not only BLUNT, BUT EVEN DOWNRIGHT RUDE (and even right in front of her husband!)... But those kind of situations are rare; but if that's what it takes to shut somebody's negative mouth, then sometimes you have to do just that!
I hope my comments have been helpful!
- Ken in San Francisco
Ryan,
I can relate to you in many ways...
I was always the kind of person who did what I was supposed to do and bowed to my mother's wishes when I was younger. I also had an uncle who would state his opinion and sometimes the things he said hurt. For some reason, some people think they have the right to say things that are really not their business, and sometimes they say things in a hurtful way - and you would never repay them with disrespect of hurtful comments in return - instead you just feel bad and internalize it or out of respect, do as they say, instead of doing what you want to do. Now, I am a lot older than you and I am finally growing my hair long. But, even at my age, I have had to endure some comments from people - like "has your barber retired?" or "I've got a pair of scissors and I know how to use them!" and I've had people come right out and ask - "what are you doing that for?" My personality is such that I take it personally, as if it is an attack, and fret that I am doing something that someone else might disapprove of - ONE THING that has come out of this growing my hair out experience has been to learn to walk through these times with my jaw set and my mind made up - I learned from the guys here - that no matter what happens do not break the 2 week rule - and do not cut my hair as a knee jerk reaction to anything I am feeling - and so far, 10 months into this - I have avoided the "pressure" I sometimes take on or put on myself to conform and be like all the other "sheep" in the pasture... But, I recognize in me - and I sort of hear it in you, too - that we care too much about what others may think of us - and we don't take care of ourselves enough - So, this growing our hair out is something we want to do and we should set our mind to do it until we decide it's been done to our satisfaction... It's really a very harmless thing to do - you aren't hurting yourself or anyone else by growing long hair - Just keep your jaw set and your mind made up - and let these negative comments go by the wayside - explain your thoughts - simply - if you need to - its just something you want to do - no big deal - and quite possibly they will say something further - but they may just let it go... Best Wishes, Ryan.
Fitz
I did to on most things, but I refused to do it with my hair
and the clothes I wore. So staring in 1964 I started growing
my hair long and keeping it long. When it came to clothes and hair i often broke the rules big time.
Or you do what I did. I treated them with the utmost respect but
continued year in and year out to keep my long hair long.
How old are you? I'm 59 now, the comments and complaints stopped when I reached the age of 45.
Persistance pays off in the end.
I started growing my hair long in 1964 and went through that.
My mom was OK with my growing my hair long, dad wasn't but since
mom and dad were divorced he had no say.
I had a number of relatives who were ex military and ex police
and they ragged on me about my hair. Also a number of these relatives were active in the civil war group that i'm in.
To make a long story short I stuck to my guns and kept my long
hair long and finally when I reached the age of 45 the ragging stopped, the hassles stopped, and the relatives realized that
I was keeping my long hair long.
I hated that ragging and complaints but I also strived to keep the responses civil.
I also joined the civil war group which made a number of
thsee relatives happy. When I first joined the civil war
group my hair was long. All these years later i'm still active
in the group, and my hair is still long. I'm now 59 years old
and haven't gotten any hassles about my hair for the last fourteen years.
Alot of it is older folks like to rag on younger folks. Now that i'm 59 years old i'm one of the oldest family members
and the remaining family members accept that my hair is long
and is going to stay long.
So now at the age of 59 i'm now that eccentric uncle who
has long hair and wears cut off shorts all year 'round.
It comes down a choice, are you going to give in, cut your
hair and regret it every single day, or are you going
to let your hair grow long and fight the battles to keep it long.
After 49 years of having long hair and fighting alot of battles over the years i've chosen to keep my long hair long until the day I die.
That long hair is who I am, and i'll remain true to myself until the day I die.
Or if you want a semi-non-rude way to shut them down, say this or something similar; " So if Jesus Christ walked up to you, you would tell him to cut his hair because YOU don't like it? You DO know what he would tell you to do, don't you? I'm growing my hair long, LIKE HIS, and if YOU don't like it, don't look at it!" Then turn your back and walk away if you are able to.
Yeah? Well it seems like you're unhappy anyway so you may as well just grow it out. Let them get used to the idea. And they will, what choice do they have?
Personally I don't see why you're so worried about getting your point across without being disrespectful. It seems to me you are the one being disrespected. Not even a compromise offered. (Put it in a tail at family get togethers maybe.)
You will not be satisfied until you grow it out and frankly, you don't even know yet if you are really going to like it. It may just be a phase. Almost against my religion to say that, but it's true. Grow it, ignore their remarks (or put them in their place) and find out for real if it's for you. Sometimes you just got to say "what the fuck" and do what you want to do.
Yes you are absolutely the one being disrespected. It's your
hair, it's your choice of how you want to wear it. Other
folks should respect your choice.
I gave up long ago on the compromise thing. MOst of the time
UI wear my hair down and loose. The only time i'll
bun it/pony tail it/braid it/pig tail it is to prevent damage
on stormy/windy days or to prevent damage to the hair.
I'm 59 years old now, the complaints stopped years ago when
i hit the age of 45.
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Whew!
Ted