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one year...
Seriously, guys... this has been a tough journey for me. I waited a long time before I finally got the nerve to pursue it. I am not sure it looks all that great. I have thinning hair and a bald spot on top.
It's been a journey of patience and enduring toward something I wanted to try to do...
I am giving myself some time to decide whether I will continue for another 6 months till my 58th birthday in June.
This link is my photo journey since last December till today.
Give me your honest feedback, guys.
Before cutting, if you're on the verge of that, you may first want to toss a bit of facial hair into the mix. Sometimes it will complement long hair to create a very good look together. Even a beard with short hairs but long enough to be hide the skin underneath, which won't take long to grow, can have a striking effect.
Bill
I'm not on the verge of cutting - I am serious about evaluating, though. I used to have a goatee and mustache - it is white now - and I shaved it off after years of wearing one purely for the vanity of thinking I look younger without the white whiskers... but, if and when my head turns more gray - white - as it is beginning to do along the temples - I will seriously consider growing the beard back... thanks for the thoughts.
Hi Fitz - fantastic progress - ur concerns are valid - I'm the 1st to admit, that long hair isn't always the most flattering look for us longhairs - but it goes deeper than superficial appearances = it's more about soul-connection - what does your heart, intuition & soul whisper to you ? - that will be your final answer & course of action ... growing long hair is not about pleasing others - but about connecting with your authentic self ... the tools required to grow long hair can be a metaphor for life ... as ALL the qualities needed, will hold you in good stead for your journey thru. life ... which will have its challenges: ( as sure as rain, tax & sunrises ) good luck my friend CEM. :))
hey, CEM - thanks for expressing that so well - I think this process has been as much about that as anything. This year has been about me doing something for myself - and that is connecting to something much deeper than I expected.
Wow CEM, that was a beautiful answer and so true.
cheers Dave
Let it grow man, don't worry about how long just keep living life and letting your hair be what it is, congrats on the year!
Thanks - I am going to try and do just that- just live and let it be!
I believe you have made a nice progress and will keep getting better.
What is your goal right now? Getting to June or growing longer?
I like both the color and texture of your hair so I dont see why you should cut it.
Please, keep us updated.
Dave,
I think I am overly sensitive about how thin my hair is on top and I think it would probably look better it if were cut shorter - you can see that how it looked in the picture on the street taken last year - compared to how it looks now with longer hair. BUT, I am not sure that is good enough reason to cut it - I want to say I'll give it another 6 months - I want to see how it will look once I can pull it back into a tail.
Thanks for the compliments on the color and texture of my hair. When I was your age, I had beautiful hair that women envied - now, it is not so much to be envied - so, now I do this for myself only - and have to disregard my insecurities on how I think it may really look... as CEM said, the look of my hair is only one part of the overall heart of growing it long.
It has to feel good to finally be doing something you've always wanted to do. You're really making some progress now too! Don't cut it man!
Thanks, Jason - it does feel good. But, I thought that you of all people here might comment on the thinning hair situation. I know how you pay attention to receding hair lines.
I think most, if not all, longhairs would prefer to have full heads of hair but it's also about making the most of what you have. I don't subscribe to the belief that one must cut their hair short once some recession or thinning arrives.
Neither do I, however I firmly believe that hair should be grown out as soon as possible so one can achieve his absolute peak, seeing as how the condition of the hair doesn't get better with time. You will never know what a glorious mane you could have had in your 20's when you just decided to grow it out in your 50's.
Very true and I'll be forever disappointed that I only started my long hair journey as I entered my mid 30s. I would love to have seen how my hair would have looked if I had grown it say from age 15 to 25!
I completely agree... I had beautiful hair as a young man - my son has beautiful hair now at 24 years old and has grown his hair out twice now. I don't know why he buzzed it off in 2011 but he immediately started growing it again - and his second growth process encouraged me to finally do it, too. I can't change what I didn't do back in the 70s, but I do have something to say about what I do going forward. I've been insecure about doing this at my age, and part of the insecurity has been the thinning hair - but I've received enough affirmation to keep me going.
I agree. One of my biggest regrets is having never seen what I would have looked like when I was young. I didn't really come to know myself until I grew my hair out in my late forties. I have therefore never really known myself except as an old man.
Bill
Bill, I'm really curious if you don't mind my asking, as to why you waited as long as you did. I know the horrible way you were treated as a child concerning haircuts but once you were an adult, what held you back?
I had been abused as a child to the point that I was terrified of the thought of having long hair. I was like a huge dog that is scared of rolled up newspapers because he was beaten by one as a little puppy.
I also wanted to have a beard, but this did not start until I was age 14 and my beard thickly came in. I got the same abuse about the beard, but I was older when that abuse started. I had little trouble growing out the beard in my twenties when I decided I wanted it. So "being really young" has a lot to do with it.
When I was five, I ran away from home, over to my grandmother's house, five blocks away. It was over an unwanted haircut. When I was eleven, my mother hired two thugs to kidnap me and drag me off to a barber shop and hold me down while the barber cut all my hair off. She wanted to ship me off to a gulag school, but my father wouldn't hear of it. He was never around though, so that was all he could do. After that, I was told that I would not be let into the house or be given any food if she wanted me to have a haircut.
By the time I was grown, I was terrified if anyone ever commented on my hair being too long. To avoid that, I would keep cutting it off. With maturity, I finally put all the pieces together. She had a fetish for shorthaired boys, and she was using me as a stand-in for my father who was never around.
When this all came to a head, the one thing I required of her was an apology. It was not forthcoming. She lived for eighteen years after that, and she never heard from me again. She died alone.
There was no such thing as the Internet or MLHH back then. There was no place I could turn. That is one reason I stick around here. I don't need the support here now, but there are a lot of younger guys who do. Quite a few of the older guys on here are here for the same reason - we remember how wonderful having support would have been. We strongly want this refuge to always be here. We remember what it was like when there was no place to find that there are others like us and that we are all normal.
Jason, I recall you went through a similar tough time escaping from an abusive religion that was obsessed over your hair, so I think you know well what I am talking about. I know we aren't the only two on here with "abuse stories". It's good that we are all here.
Bill
I should add that there was more to the abuse than an obsession about my hair. My mother was also obsessed about my clothes. She wanted me to look a certain way, and I did not identify with that look at all. It was what we would nowadays call "very yuppie". If I got clothes that I liked, she would immediately throw them into the trash, and then tell me it was one of my chores to burn the trash. She would stand at the back window and watch me to make sure i burned my clothes that she did not like.
Right before I left for college, I got clothes that I identified with. The day before I left, I dragged all the clothes she had bought for me out behind the house, and I burned them all. I counted 28 pairs of pants, and there were about the same number of shirts. I remember the fire got so big that by the end the pants I was throwing in were burned up completely by the fire before they ever hit the ground.
A few years later a kid down the block said to me, "You now look just like the rest of us. We all knew your mother dressed you funny."
She also would never let me have any friends unless she approved of them. This, I finally figured out, meant that she was attracted to them. If they looked the least bit longhaired or wore clothes most kids wore, she would not let me associate with them. This deprived me of anyone who would give me support. Her tactics to get rid of friends when I was younger was to call their parents and say their kid was a bad influence on her child. This behavior would weird the kid's parent out, and it accomplished her objective. They were told to stay away from us. When I was older, she would come on to anyone she met that had an interest in me. This would weird them out.
Ditching her clothes was the easiest. One match and they were gone. Getting the beard and getting appropriate friends took a few years. But getting the long hair was a bitch. I had been abused over that for way too long, and when I was way too young.
Abuse is seldom about one thing. It is an attack in all directions at once, which is a quite common approach by abusers, that can bring a child down.
Bill
ThatÂ’s truly horrific, Bill. I didnÂ’t realize the full extent of the abuse.
Yes, I can relate somewhat. Although my parents werenÂ’t abusive, they were quite strict in upholding the rules of the religion. Upon reaching adulthood, I remained under the control. Long hair and beards were both prohibited.
As I faded from the religion, the first thing I immediately did was to grow my hair so they retained absolutely zero power over me in that regard. However, many other aspects of the fear and guilt driven control have remained in place even years later. From my first memories, it was constantly instilled in me that the world is about to be destroyed. I still have nightmares about it. But, like yourself, I feel much more whole at this point in my life and certainly far more authentic. ItÂ’s very hard to be happy if youÂ’re pretending to be someone youÂ’re not.
ItÂ’s very hard to be happy if youÂ’re pretending to be someone youÂ’re not.
This is so true -
Guys, thanks for sharing your stories -
I hope they're not getting lost in the depth of the threads - but maybe that's OK with you. Glad I caught it.
Keep in mind that the word "abuse" is much broader than "sexual abuse", although a rush to euphemisms by that segment has confused some people into thinking something can't be abuse unless it's sexual. Wrong! There are both physical abuse and mental abuse. A very strong element of all abuse is prevention of escape. You can't abuse someone if they can readily escape. To escape, one needs support. So a key element to defining abuse is "isolation". My mother became a mastermind at that. Your church was a mastermind at that. They do everything they can to keep members from associating with people who aren't "in the faith".
To deny someone his innate identity is a form of abuse. Dressing a boy in girl's clothing is an obvious example of that abuse; however other forms less obvious but just as injurious to the victim are making a person cut his hair or wear clothing that is inconsistent with his identity. Another example is forcing someone to live with a sexual orientation that is different than their innate identity.
We now know we were both "born longhairs", the term we apply to those longhairs for whom having long hair is part of their core identity. That it took us years to overcome the abuse does not mean we were less strongly identified. It means we were more strongly abused.
When men are in their forties, the truth often comes out. They realize life is not infinite, and they see a need to finally be themselves. Some people call this a "mid-life crisis," but I call it "finally growing up". This is the age that men, always gay, but finally realizing it despite having married a woman, come out. This is the age that quite a few of us on MLHH finally throw our finger at the would-be abusers and finally grow out our hair.
Abused people out of desperation are drawn to fantasize escape strategies. I had two. One was that I would eventually grow up and get away from my mother. The other was that I could always walk away. I eventually had to work that one out of my system. In 1998 I flew to Boston and headed west on foot as far as I needed to go. I sorted it all out 300 miles and 18 days later in Rome, NY. In your religion the escape strategy they offered was "the new order of things". Their abused followers ate it up.
Well, "the other side" is the real life you were entitled to live and are now living. I really am enjoying being here, and I can tell you are, too. Welcome to the other side.
Bill
In all of those pictures I never noticed a bald spot. Which is not to deny it exists, but it's not prominent in your pictures. I'm glad you're going another six months...I hope you decide to keep letting it grow even after that.
Chris
one year...
Thanks, Chris, for the encouragement -
I spy no serious thinning. However, it is no matter. You have a rich color and nice wave in your hair. You are going through the final stages of the "awkward Phaze" and that is when a lot of folks feel most vulnerable regarding the decidion to grow. Definitely give it another 6 months I hope you go and grow, even longer. But,It is your hair and your decision.
Thank you for the encouraging words - I am definitely sensitive about the thinning that's taken place - I guess I do feel a little vulnerable about it - obviously I am not a life-long, long haired guy - even though I've always thought I wanted to be... I'm not ready to fold yet... I guess it is still at the final awkward stage - still can't pull it all back in a tail. Almost, though.
Hi Fitz,
I am sorry to hear this has been a tough journey for you my friend! I will agree about the patience part though! But you just have to work at it and I know you will be pleased you did it! Nothing good comes easy. I do know that you will look great with longer hair. I wouldn't worry about the thinning-it doesn't detract from your hair's great look. I thoroughly enjoyed your photos and wish you much success and patience in your journey!
Ted
thanks, Ted - I probably overstate the struggle of the journey - actually, I've had unspoken support, at least, and no serious detractors - It's just the surprise of how long it takes - and the patience I've had to muster to keep going - I am typically a quick decision maker and not one to stick to things... So, this year has been a real victory! Thanks for your votes of confidence... and the wish for patience- I'll need that, for sure...
You sort of have a Kevin Sorbo look.....keep going !!
WWT
Gee, White Tail - that's quite a compliment, even if I just sorta got that look going -
thanks!
Hi Fitz,
If I didn't say it before, we are a lot alike. I also want to do this before it's too late... but never got to because of other's wishes. You are doing very well, and I wish you continued success. This does teach a person patience.... My journey is going slower than normal,(avatar pic is about 4 years in to it!) I hope I can get there before I'm bald...(I am trying some new things so maybe that will help.)
Keep Growin and have a Happy New Year!
The Spaf Man
Thanks for your compliments and encouragement... I guess we are men of a certain age and men who should be glad we got what we got!
Thanks for your compliments and encouragement... I guess we are men of a certain age and men who should be glad we got what we got!
It doesn't quite look like a bald spot, but the thinning is definitly visible. Looks still good to me, especially for your age.
There is no reason to stop. You have held on too long on this dream to just let it go now.
Thanks, Michail - I appreciate your honest comments - I'm gonna keep going - I'm holding fast to that 2 week rule about cutting the hair - so, that helps keep my commitment and stretches the patience... It dawned on me when I read one of the other comments - that I am at the end of the awkward stage - so one year is not really long enough - I have to keep going to fulfill my "bucket list" goal - of growing long hair - it's not officially long yet! So, yeah - game on.
Hey fitz, I can definitely see the bald spot, but it appears to be covering up quite nicely as your hair has gotten longer. My advice would be to keep going until you can feel like your out of the awkward stage, and then evaluate how it looks at that point.
I myself will probably get a trim when I reach that point as I don't like the overall look in certain places as it gets longer, but I know this is just mainly because I'm still in the awkward stage and really can't style it or anything at this point. Once we get to our goal length we can finally do some "cleaning up" to not feel so self conscious about what your hair looks like.
Hopefully that makes sense?
Appreciate the feedback...
Hi there Fitz,
Here's the way I look at us older longhairs, and what it means to us as we grow our hair out at our age:
1) Yes, it's true that the "reality" of receiving a lot of compliments about our hair as we get older tends to diminish in proportion to our age, our hair's thickness & color, and all sorts of other factors too numerous to mention.
2) Yes, it's also true that any hair-thinning or other hair loss (like MPB) tend to increase the possibility of negative comments from others, especially from the self-appointed "Fashion Police"...
3) Having said the above, however, this does NOT mean we shouldn't grow our hair out anyway -- if it pleases US, if it makes US happy, who has the right to criticize us for doing something as harmless as growing our own hair out on our own head?
4) At age 60 now, my own hair is way thinner than when I was in my teens or early 20s, plus I have a receding hairline, plus the blonde color has mostly turned gray now (AKA "silver" - LOL); but honestly, I so enjoy having long hair (and never had the opportunity to grow it out when I was younger), that it would depress the hell out of me if I had to cut it back to short.
5) In spite of all of the obvious "imperfections" of being an older longhair, I find great joy in not only being the natural-born longhair that I know I am myself; but also in seeing other older longhairs pursue their dream as well...
6) FACT: your hair will be the same, regardless of whether you decide to grow it long or cut it short -- so why not grow it out, since this will make you happier, and is something that you always wanted to do?
7) Live life to the fullest! (Even if it means we are pursuing some of our youthful dreams a little bit later in life...)
8) Hair has a beauty all its own -- whether we are young or old; our hair is luxuriantly thick & full, or thinning; a brilliant vibrant amazing color, or graying... It is truly BEAUTIFUL, and something to celebrate & encourage.
9) Personally, I happen to like your longer hair waaay more than the pictures I've seen of you with your hair short; but hey, maybe I'm just "weird" that way (LOL)!!
10) Just hold your head up high & proud -- you don't even need to try to "explain" it to others that may never understand; but just smile and be yourself... People will love both you AND your hair, because it is genuinely who you are and who you most want to be.
... I hope my comments have helped!
- Ken
I thoroughly enjoyed reading your posts, thank you for taking the time to give such great feedback.