new thread
It seems as though there have been a number of recent new members in the MLHH community who are starting on the journey toward longhairdom. As perhaps the shortest-haired long-standing community member around here, I know full well the challenges of making it through the first year or more of remaining scissor-free. For what it's worth, I thought it might be helpful for some to take a look at the "No Cut" chart I designed a while back (and revised), to help stay motivated and keep track of how long it's been since the last time I received a hair cut.
As a (long ago) former longhair myself, I do have some knowledge of how to achieve and maintain long, healthy locks. More importantly for me in recent years, I am also a proud and loving father of three boys (13, 6, and 1-1/2) and a girl (8). It is in large part to support my sons--and the sons of others--in expressing themselves authentically, that I have remained so active with the MLHH. My wife also appreciates the fact that, when a question about hair care arises in our household, I am looked to as the authority on the subject, mostly due to what I have learned here over the years! When my eldest son was 8-years-old, he decided that he wanted to grow his hair long, and has not cut it since. Apart from one slight trim at the age of 3, my 6-year-old son (a self-described "viking") has never had his hair cut. I don't believe in forcing my kids to wear their hair a certain way, so we'll see what the baby decides to do when he's old enough to care! My wife and daughter have both been staunch supporters of the long-haired males in our family, and have not only supported my sons in having long hair, but have encouraged me to regrow mine when I feel the time is right.
In light of a recent, brief conversation with my 6-year-old son, I decided that the right time may truly be NOW. I came home from work and found him playing outside, toy pirate sword in hand, with a black beard and eyebrows applied with face-paint. This was comical, because he is quite blonde, though to him the look had been achieved in complete earnest. For the first time in his life, he mentioned that he might want to cut his hair, and that his sole reason for doing so would be to "look like" me. I know that, developmentally, this is a time during which boys often experience a strong desire to emulate their fathers. I am concerned that, by not having the grit to grow my own hair long, I may be unintentionally encouraging my son to value "being like someone else" above "being true to himself." I asked my son later if he really wanted to cut his hair short, and he simply responded, "No." I know that, were he to cut his hair, it would be emotionally devastating for him.
If I am to set an example for my children, it must be an example, in part, of genuine self-expression and perseverance. I cannot deny that once again having long hair would be, for me, an expression of personal authenticity. And I must (shamefacedly) admit that for years now, I have continued to find reasons to justify keeping it more-or-less short, when the plain truth is that, though I want it to be long, it has simply been easier (socially), to avoid going through the trials of growing it out. That conversation with my son was sobering, and it made me realize that not only have I been denying myself the freedom to enjoy fully BEING myself, but I have been unwittingly teaching my children to at least consider changing or limiting themselves to suit others, as well. This, to me, is unacceptable.
As I was tucking my son into bed a couple of weeks ago, he plainly stated, "Dad, I want you to grow your hair long."
I felt a sort of wave of energy flow through me, with the feeling that I was about to enter into a very important agreement. I responded, "You do, eh? Okay. I will not cut my hair until it's been growing for at least a year, and then we'll see what we think."
"Good." he replied. So that seals the deal. Until at least one year has passed since my last haircut, I will not cut it. Though I've let myself down in the past, I will not break an oath to my children. This is a great opportunity to teach them by example the value of one's word, as well.
Well, this has become a much longer post than originally intended... sorry for getting so long-winded! Please do take a look at the "No Cut" chart, above... I hope it might inspire some of you to devise a similar tool, if it seems helpful. You'll see that it's been about 5 months since my last haircut, which was quite short (3/8" back and sides, 1" top). I'll post updates from time to time, and you know you can count on me to chime in on the board on a regular basis!
Take care, my friends :)
--Val
Chart front. I used an image of both long hair and physical fitness/presence that I find inspirational (actor Jason Momoa, from the movie Conan the Barbarian).
--Val
It's a shame Jason cut his hair short, because he looked absolutely phucking handsome with in Conan the Barbarian and in Game of Thrones.
And here we have the late, great Peter Steele, bassist, vocalist, and front man for the band Type O Negative!
And, for the sake of full disclosure, a picture of yours truly, taken in my office today. It's been about 5-1/2 months since my last haircut. I've also shaped my beard to the desired proportions, and will be letting it grow out as well.
Cheers,
Val
Nice pic! Great update, and excellent comments, too!! And, I have to also add in one additional comment of my own: it's so refreshing for me to see somebody else here besides just me be a little bit on the long-winded side (LOL).... All in all, just a terrific post, Val!!
Don't be too harsh on yourself for not growing your own mane out sooner. You have a lot of big responsibilities on your plate: a young family for you and your wife to take care of, that includes the raising of 4 kids; career and job decisions to make and/or worry about; several recent moves and various other change in your life, etc.... I didn't achieve ponytail length myself until my 40th birthday, when my own life finally settled down a bit -- enough to make me feel a bit more stabile, and to finally concentrate on having the guts to do what i always wanted to do with my hair: to grow it!
In any case, I certainly support your decision to grow your hair out, no worries there! But honestly, the world needs more people like you, even if you had decided NOT to grow out that wonderful hair of yours... which, by the way, I predict to be pretty damn awesome-looking, if and when you do achieve that full year of untrimmed hair!
My best to you!!
"Onward & Downward!"
- Ken in San Francisco
Thank you for the empathetic and encouraging words, Ken. Life has been busy for sure, but it's time to stop waiting for that nebulous day when the time is "right," and just realize that in order for something to happen, one must stop preventing it from happening! That little conversation with my son served as a solid kick to the backside, and has gotten my mind moving in a good direction. At this rate, I will also be 40 when my hair finally returns to ponytail length... better late than never!
Cheers,
Val
When I was a student at Fribourg, I once needed access to the Bodleian Library in Oxford. Our British ways can be amusing to others. I had an oath to take:
Do fidem me nullum librum vel instrumentum aliamve quam rem ad bibliothecam pertinentem, vel ibi custodiae causa depositam, aut e bibliotheca sublaturum esse, aut foedaturum deformaturum aliove quo modo laesurum; item neque ignem nec flammam in bibliothecam inlaturum vel in ea accensurum, neque fumo nicotiano aliove quovis ibi usurum; item promitto me omnes leges ad bibliothecam Bodleianam attinentes semper observaturum esse.
In English:
I hereby undertake not to remove from the Library, nor to mark, deface, or injure in any way, any volume, document or other ob ject belonging to it or in its custody; not to bring into the Library, or kindle therein, any fire or flame, and not to smoke in the Library; and I promise to obey all rules of the Library.
Perhaps we could swear:
I hereby undertake not to mark, deface, or injure in any way my hair; not to bring into its proximity any cutting instrument or scissors; and I promise to let it grow and flow.
Perhaps that could be translated back into Latin!
Anthony
* * *
in order for something to happen, one must stop preventing it from happening! That little conversation with my son served as a solid kick to the backside, and has gotten my mind moving in a good direction. At this rate, I will also be 40 when my hair finally returns to ponytail length... better late than never!
I love the library oath, as well as your hairy twist on it! It would be enjoyable to read it in Latin.
--Val
Nice Pic! Wishing you all the best as you go the journey....
The Spaf Man
Thanks for the well wishes... I'll keep ya posted!
--Val
What an inspiration. Out of the mouth of babes and sucklings hast thou ordained strength. About 100 years ago in Europe, little boys from aristocratic families had long hair and it was often styled - but having it cut was a sign of adulthood (!). I love knowing that your little boy asked your to grow out your hair again.
Myself I have learned so much from this forum, not as a long hair "admirer" but one who is "doing it". I have had to pass on a lot of this knowledge to my wife who still believed the old wives tales. I have cut my hair so much in my life that it should be very strong and thick. It isn't as thick as when I was a teenager. Only by NOT cutting it will it grow long. I told my wife that I'll let her trim the back a little - only when my front bang is well through the ponytail point (even if I wear my hair loose most of the time). She will have to wait a long time, maybe more than a year... It's sinking in. I want to be through the "awkward stage" as quick as nature will allow, and then she'll find it really nice to put her fingers through!
I told her about MLHH and she was quite amazed. There are plenty of forums for the ladies, and many of the practical questions are the same. Only the philosophy is different. We don't become effeminate, but more truly virile, more ourselves with our energy and strength.
Anyway, your story is an inspiration. Man has been to the moon and split the atom, but knows so little about hair. This board is a great contribution to learning and dispelling ignorance and error.
Thank you, and keep your wisdom and experience coming.
Anthony
* * *
Thank you for the kind words, Anthony. I'm glad you have found the MLHH... you've already proven yourself to be a valuable and positive member of the community! I enjoy reading your thoughts and perspectives, and look forward to updates on your own future progress.
Cheers,
Val
And thank you also for your kind words. I do my best. I made an adaptation of your no-cut chart and put it in my study where my wife can see it with a "no scissors" sign.
She had another go with her "cutting hair makes it grow" nonsense last night, and I told her "no". She will learn tolerance if she doesn't want to be systematically opposed in everything she wants to do. La donna è mobile!!! She'll say something else tomorrow. It's all about control, so I have to be very vigilant.
Reasoning: "If I cut off 1 cm, it will grow 2 cm instead of 1". Then what's the point of cutting? In reality, it would just stop growth (1 cm growth + 1 cm cut), maintain me in the "awkward stage" and the frustration would drive me to the barber! I read it like a book. "I don't dance, Mister President". The experience of hearing this stuff is fascinating. Thank goodness for the internet and the use of reason!
I can also argue that the more she resists my hair farming, the longer I will grow it!
I think I will really need the "no-cut" chart, and summer 2015 will be the only trim I will allow to clean the line across the back and get rid of any split ends. Month by month, day by day, brick by brick.
Anthony
* * *
I'm glad to hear the chart might be of help to you. The idea that cutting hair makes it grow faster is nothing more than an old wives' tale... maybe that's where the name came from! The fact of the matter is that, apart from the new cells forming in the follicle, a shaft of hair is not living. It does not grow from the distal end, the cutting of which has no effect upon the rate at which new cells proliferate at the follicle. Kudos to you for your determination and commitment to authenticity... once you've "arrived," I am confident that your wife will be pleased with the results!
--Val
Many thanks, Validus, for these kind words. Absolutely, I have read the biological evidence. The shaft of hair outside the follicle is inanimate matter, unlike a plant like grass. It is no doubt a belief according to which the hair would be like a plant that causes this old wives' tale. Only the root has living cells.
I think that a wife becomes afraid of something out of her control. It is human to want to be in control. We prune trees and bushes in the garden and manicure our lawns, but hair has either to be left to grow - or cut and styled. My wife has to learn that awkward stage hair cannot be styled. It can be bound with a headband, restrained by clips or gunked - but no cutting. She has to be patient. I have told her that if she is patient, she will be able to cut the nice clean line across the back - once I have decided whether I want it straight or rounded. I think rather the latter from what I have seen. That will be at least a year away, certainly longer, as I only arrive towards the end of my sixth month since my last haircut.
Women have a different way of looking after their hair. I don't use a hair dryer after washing and conditioning, just a gentle combing and air drying. I don't use the clips she uses because her hair isn't long enough (she is afraid to do so because it is very frizzy).
How's your wife about your own journey? Does she "come and go"?
Anthony
* * *
I am fortunate in that my wife and all of my children actually prefer that I grow my cranial hair long, as well as remain bearded. Generally speaking, as far as they're concerned, the hairier, the better! Even the awkward stage is fine by my wife, who quite likes the little "flips" and "waves" that form as my hair grows out.
--Val
Going by your little avatar photo , we seem to have a similar type of hair, straight on most of the head and wavy at the ends. You have seen the photos of mine. The waves are called frisettes in French. My wife has been most amused, as has the other lady in our singing quartet who sings soprano (my wife sings alto and I sing tenor)! I am just as amazed, because I have never seen my own hair wavy because it has never been long enough.
My wife still needs to get over the conventionalism and "What will other people say?" She gets nervous singing in public. I don't, and I don't mind what people say about my hair. I could always start flapping my right hand and say "Give me a kiss, ducky!" No, self-restraint is needed so that she sees that men's long hair is masculine and normal for us, not "camp" or silly.
Another thing is the painting of her grandfather in my mother-in-law's flat in Rouen. As a child in the 1900's, he had beautiful long golden hair, all in curls and blue silk ribbons. Perhaps I remind her of that, having that kind of hair as a middle-aged adult.
I don't like bourgeois dress. I like to be unconventional. It took her a long time for her to accept my wearing a hoodie, because it is associated with young men getting into trouble with the police. We are married, but some things are sacred! I respect her secret garden too. It takes time...
So the frisettes will go downwards as the hair grows, and everything will take its proportion. I like waves at the ends of long hair. I am very happy that I seem to be made for that, and to have natural hair that many women would pay for!
Regards,
Anthony
* * *
Even the awkward stage is fine by my wife, who quite likes the little "flips" and "waves" that form as my hair grows out.
First and foremost, I'm glad you will once again join the longhairdom and it is amazing that your son inspired you to do that.
What was your reason to cut your hair short and how long have you worn your hair long, until you cut it short? Also, how much time has passed since then?
Thanks for the kind words, Michail!
I wore my hair long for about 2 years, back in the mid-1990s (after graduating from high school). At its longest, it reached almost to the middle of my shoulder blades. At one point, I intended to enlist in the military (not even considering the possibility that I might not be accepted), and I cut my hair short. Due to an eye defect, I was deemed permanently ineligible for military service. That was nearly 20 years ago, since which time I have made a number of unsuccessful attempts to once again grow my hair long. Above is a picture of my hair when I was a much younger man, as it was in the process of growing out.
Cheers,
Val
Hi Val,
Wow, I must say you had some really nice hair back then! I can't wait to see you grow it out again! Sorry to hear you could not join the military. But we have to do what we have to do! Thanks for posting this wonderful photo!
Ted
Thanks, Ted. I do feel fortunate in that I seem to have good "hair genetics," and hope the quality hasn't deteriorated much over the past couple of decades. It is still quite thick and wavy (albeit with a good handful of silver hairs now mixed in, which I quite like), and I've been told by an expert that I will never experience male pattern baldness. As far as the military goes, in hindsight, I am very glad that things worked out the way they did... Life has taught me that one can be a warrior without being a soldier.
--Val
Hi Val,
You definitely have great hair genes! I seriously doubt anything has changed! And yes, the silvers are awesome too! Good thing about the MPB thing-that just doesn't work! I absolutely agree with you about the military. We all have to be a warrior in our own way! What matters is that we fight the good fight my friend! Keep on persevering!
Ted
Thanks again, Ted. From what I've learned of you here, "Perseverence" might well be your middle name. However, I would probably have to add the prefix, "Joyful," as I do so admire your ability to recognize how wonderful this crazy ride called Life really is, despite its challenges. Keep on keepin' on, and remember, "Soldiers march, but warriors dance!"
Have a great weekend, my friend :)
--Val
How true! Sometimes only the astute can separate the two.
Hi Val,
What a wonderful post as I loved the part about taking that oath with your son :)You are great in supporting your own son in his desire to be long haired so it makes sense that you follow though as well especially since he brought it up.I agree you have to follow your heart when it comes to something as personal as this.I knew years ago I wanted to be a long hair and am grateful to have lived by that for more than three decades.I fully stopped having haircuts/trims of any kind back in mid 2005 and have not looked back.I feel let my hair be free to do what it wants and be as long as it wants :)My only input was to become a hennaed redhead which I still absolutely love.Cheers my friend.
Mârk
Thanks for the kind words, Mârk... I know I can count on you as a source of never ending encouragement and inspiration!
Cheers,
Val
Wow, good luck on your new journey Val! I am interested to see your progress in the coming months.
-Tommy
Thanks, Tommy... I'm looking forward to providing some worthwhile updates!
--Val
Hey Val,
It's great to hear you're determined to achieve your goal to become a longhair again. I can relate to the powerful effect what your son said to you would have. It will leave a lasting impression upon him to see you follow through.
After the year is complete, you'll really be at the cusp of being out of the awkward stage and ready to enter new territory. I look forward to following your journey!
Best,
Jason
Thank you, Jason. I know you've been down this road with me before, and I deeply appreciate the support, encouragement, and inspiration you never fail to provide, both man-to-man, and father-to-father.
--Val
Hi Val,
Wow! What a post my friend! Very timely and well-written I must say!
I am so happy that you and your wife are such good supporters of long hair! Let's just hope your baby decides to carry on the tradition!
It's okay that he's blonde with black face paint beard! You know what's in his heart! But yes, the time is now for you to grow your hair! No better time than now my friend!
I have no doubt you are setting a good example for your kids! But I think it's awesome that you know you really want your hair long! Go forth and conquer!
I simply love this!
Good stuff my friend! Kids tell it like it is!
More good stuff! I wish you much success!
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this post! I definitely look forward to your updates! Thanks for adding your great information to the board! Please be well my friend!
Ted
Thank you for all of the positive feedback, Ted. Stay tuned for future updates!
--Val
Val,
well, there were so many great feedback comments, I didn't think you needed any further words - but I couldn't help it - what you shared here about your family, your son, and your new journey - it was so awesome - I want to thank you for writing it - and all the other feedback was great, too. What an fabulous group of guys meet here.
Fitz
Thank you very much for the kind words, Fitz... every bit of encouragement is appreciated! You are correct: the guys of the MLHH express more genuine, good-natured congeniality than any other online community I've ever experienced... yourself included!
Cheers,
Val
Hi Val,
First if all, my apologies for the late reply, since I just haven't been as active lately.
This is such a wonderful, uplifting, and inspirational post, and thank you for sharing. Cheers to you, and also cheers to your sons for encouraging you, and you can be assured of my support in your long hair growing journey. I look forward to following your progress.
Take care,
David
Thank you, David. Like I said to Jason, I know that you too have been down this road with me before; your unfailingly kind words and encouragement mean a lot to me. I look forward to sharing my progress!
Cheers,
Val
Great post, Val. I'm glad you've decided to make the journey once again. The first time I grew my hair out, I dyed it black. After a year of heavy maintenance and chemical damage, I decided it wasn't worth the effort and buzzed it all off so I could return to my natural color. I dreaded having to go back through the awkward stage, and nearly decided not to. If it hadn't been for MLHH, I might still have short hair. Out of curiosity, did the anticipation of going through the awkward stage have anything to do with your hesitation?
Thanks, Michael. When I have jumped ship and cut it, it has been for reasons of either obtaining employment, or simply habit. I'm glad you were able to weather the storm and return to an inspiring level of longhairdom! Although I do have some moments of frustration during the "awkward stage," for the most part, I actually enjoy the various phases my hair goes through on its way from short to long. It's been my experience that attitude is often the deciding factor, in terms of whether or not a person "looks good." When a person is several months into growing and their hair looks sorta crazy, appearing self-confident and acting as though that's how they want it to look makes it "look good." On the other hand, if they are overly self-conscious and appear to lack confidence in themselves and/or their appearance (the surest way to be "uncool," in my opinion), it will be virtually impossible to really be attractive... especially if they overuse hair products in a lame attempt to hide the fact that their hair is getting longer. I say just keep it clean and in good condition, and go with it!
Cheers,
Val