new thread
Hello everyone, i'm from Brazil and it's my first time posting something here on the board.
Firstly, i would like to congratulate the owner who's maitaining this website for all that time, since 1997 Wow!
So, i'm here to tell you my story about me and the fascination to long hair since the begining.
When i was a kid in my 4-6 years old, i've always hated to get monthly haircuts and i tried doing everything for not going to the barbershop with my father.
In the end, it was always the same until one day, my father decided to do something to make me hate even more haircuts, a forced headshave on the barbershop, and was saying repeatly to me that a good man needs to get his haircut every month and long hair was only for woman and little girls.
In our way back home, i was crying a lot and it maded him to get very angry at me to the point that he ended up beating me in the front of everyone passing on the street and that scene was very embarrassing to me to remember, even 15 years later i never forget that scene.
The kids on my classroom always laughted at me for what my father was doing to me, forcing me to do everything and not asking what i wanted, and my mother on the other hand always supported me on everything, but could do nothing because of fear that my father would divorce her and leave us alone, he was the only man who worked in the house and because of this, it was a source for many fights at home between my father and my mom.
One day, two new kids arrived at my classroom in that day, they were twin brothers and both of them had one thing in common, the LONG HAIR, at the moment i was happy and though "Wow, how they parents allowed those brothers to grown long hair?", many classmates maded fun of them because of long hair until the end of that year and for me, they were very good people and, as I was a very isolated child in the classroom, the first child they wanted to play and talk was me, since that day i learned that it's not just hair people are maded, they're maded of personality, how they express themselves and this is the only thing that matters.
When I was 14, I already knew what I wanted for my life and wanted to get a job, but according to Brazilian law, is only allowed to work as an apprentice at age 16 but, getting an apprentice job at age 16 is not a good idea because in Brazil, conscription is mandatory for every male who has just turned 18 years old. It normally lasts for twelve months. However, due to the excess of contingency, most end up being exempted and because of this, many companies do not hire apprentices to work so they need to fire those apprentices and in that period i started to take courses in something I liked, computers (Nowdays i'm a Computer Technician here in my town, i love what i do, but not my father, he wanted me to work with him at the factory where he works)
When I was 16, my father even knowing about conscription, was threatening me to throw me out of home if I do not get myself a job soon, in that moment i went into despair and started sending resumés to every company in town, but I already knew that none would hire because of conscription and we started to fight each other at home, but without damaging physically but verbally and the fights were initiated by anything, either because I didn't want to get a haircut, or for not wanting to do what he wanted me to do, since my 4 years old i couldn't let grow 5cm of hair and he was dragging me out to the barbershop.
From 17 to 18, on my birthday, August 9, I ran to take all documents to open my business legally, but unfortunately that day the system crashed and only the 10th I managed to get the documents and of course, all hidden, as my father would not want me to take the documents and went to work in the factory with him, I fulfilled the conscription, and only after that, and after i have reached 18 i could really do what i wanted so badly in all my life, let the hair grow but I couldn't do for so long, I ended up having serious problems with kidney stones and ended up getting one month hospitalized in a hospital bed, still ended up suffering more complications and almost died because of that, I only remember having entered the operating room, closed my eyes and when I awoke, I was in ICU and spent a week there suffering, my father did not care for my situation, only my mother who came to visit me and stay with me during this one month, At that time, it was where I realized that life was short and we have to make the most of it, we all die, and it was there I began radical changes in my life, I stopped listening to what my father said and started to do what I well understood, I ended up getting unmotivated to return after i got out from the hospital, as for staying one month in the hospital and doing absolutely nothing without hearing news, since I am a guy who is always watching things that are happening in the world, i compare the time i spent in the hospital to having spent time in prison, it's a very bad feeling, I ended up dropping my studies, but finished my computer courses, I was doing what I liked, since I never liked school even.
Today, I'm 19, about to turn 20 and for the first time, after years and years, I feel happy for being who I really want to be, not what my father wanted me to be. I started to let the hair grow in February 2013, since then my father and I are having (and much worse) fights all because of my hair. He is always asking me questions when I'll cut my hair, I always answer: never. He does everything to try to convince me that I should cut my hair, even says I'm looking like a beggar,or a madman who left the hospice,or I'm going through a rebellious phase. Because of so many complaints from him, I'll be completing next month, 1 year and 6 months without a haircut. Every time I step in front of the barbershop, the barber always asks me "Will cut hair when? If the problem is the money,I'll do it to you for free if you need" and starts laughing.
In January this year, my mother had an accident doing a track together with my father, and by his own fault to have let slip she ended up breaking his leg and ankle. Conclusion:It left for me to do everything for her and him too, since he always said that going to the kitchen and washing dishes and cooking was a woman's thing and that male actually had to work. In this period I was taking care (and still I am) my mother, he didn't fight and didn't complain even once, he's probably surprised by my actions, so I am obliged to do everything around here, lunch, dinner, still take my mother to the bathroom in a wheelchair and bathe her, put her to sleep and so on. Soon my mom will be fine and she can do everything herself again. And this time taking care of my mother, the time is passing too fast and for me, it still seems like I'm at the beginning of January and because of that, I end up not getting anxious for my hair to be growing and without notice, in a few months we will complete two years without a haircut. I usually do with my hair what most people do here, I wash my hair 2 or 3 times a week, I use the conditioner too and whenever I can in the shower, comb it under water slowly to draw the tangles and then use the conditioner.
Since then, I never thought about quitting to let the hair grow, never had fear, the only real problem was my father (and sometimes still is) all this time. If i am going through the awkward stage or not, it doesn't matter to me anyway, i also not care about what others think of me, there are people who stares at me for hours and when I face, they try to disguise, there are others that pass me by laughing, I just do not care, the thing is, i'm happy right now, even taking care of my mother, i could finally be myself, not what my father wanted.
I hope you guys like my story and soon as i could, i'll post a photo here of me in the past and nowdays.
Thanks to everyone who readed this!
Thank you for sharing your story, Guilherme S. It is quite a story of persevering through the trials of life with a dominating father... some of the guys who will read your story can surely relate to your journey.
You are a good son to your mother.
I am proud of you for going for what you want in life. Keep being strong!
Fitz
Hi Guilherme,
I cried when I read your story. Mine in some ways was much the same. We are what we call on MLHH "born longhairs". We have for all of our lives needed to have long hair. I ran away from home when I was five years old because they cut my hair all off. At that age, I didn't get very far, but the battle from then on was ongoing.
Every two weeks they would make me go to this barbershop where they knew I hated them cutting my hair. They would threaten to cut my ears off if I did not cooperate.
Having my hair cut off was an assault on my body. It was like rape but worse, because everyone on the street could see that it had been done. I was like a fire hydrant that the dogs pissed on, but the piss never dried.
When I was eleven I was big enough to defend myself, so my mother hired two large thugs to kidnap me and drag me off to a barbershop. They held me down while the barber cut off my hair. Since that day, I have no memory of having ever been in a barbershop but once, although that day made me terrified of having long hair and I got it cut off all the time.
On my 17th birthday, my mother told me that I would not get my birthday dinner unless I got a haircut on the way home from school. I was friggin 17 years old and I was still being hounded about haircuts, but this was the only day I remembered it. The harassment was so horrible that I had suppressed all the times it had occurred. The only reason I remember that one day was that they killed the president on that day and this made it a very weird day.
I let my hair grow longish as the years went by, but not until I was in my forties did I realize that in fact I had been raped, and that the crime had been perpetrated by people far more powerful than I was at a young age. Like a huge dog afraid of rolled up newspapers because he was beat by them as a puppy, I was terrified all those years of getting comments that my hair might be long. Enough enablers would appear from time to time, employers and such, to keep the fear alive. During all those years I was afraid of people in general. I trusted almost nobody. I was never able to just relax and have a normal social life.
In my forties I finally realized what had happened to me, I grew my hair out, and except at times like right now to help others, I never looked back.
The past two decades of my life have been my happiest by far. At last, I feel like I am myself. There are pictures of me when I did not have my hair, but I don't feel like they are of me. My biggest regret is having never seen what I would have looked like when I was young. I at last feel like I am myself, but I feel like I have always been an old man.
Bill
Oh my god Bill, my father and your mother could hold their hands and even worse than that, you got raped and this is horrible, I think you have every reason to hate people because of your past.
I remember, when i was 9, i got a C grade on the school and my father heard about it, he became very angry with me and for no other reason,he just hit me with a stick of green bamboo for 1 month and it was being like this since the time he went to work and by the time he returned from work, beat me sleeping , and I still got a punishment, unable to leave my the room, watch TV, just staying inside the locked room doing absolutely nothing.
And for not getting worse than that, he took me to the barbershop in the next day and asked to the barber to shave my head to the scalp and he said to me:
-If you tell someone in your classroom about what's going on with you, will be much worse for you.
In the next day, i've arrived at the school and they started asking me what was going on and even so, i couldn't really say a word about it, fearing what my father could do worse to me. I remember when those kids stared at me, looking at my shaved head, they started laughing, I couldn't even sleep right, because I knew that when my father arrived from work, I would got beaten again.
He kept doing this until I was 14 for anything, even in a day I lied to him, saying that on that day there would be no tuition at school, because was getting sick and was not well, but he still wanted me to go to school until he ended up calling the school to ask if there would be no tuition at school that day and the school principal and he said no, that would be tuition normally that day and i went at my room being beaten by a bamboo stick again and this time, it was equal when i had 10 years old, but for this time it lasted for 3 months being beaten, without leaving the room, getting headshaves every 2 weeks and so on.
I carry with me those words my mother said to me "He's not going to change, even when he gets old" and i think she was right, the time is passing and he didn't changed a bit, it's getting even worse while the time passes by.
When i was 10, my sister arrived in the world (Nowdays i'm about to turn 20 and she already turned 10)and the things around here got even more worse than i expected, i couldn't move a finger on my sister and he starts screaming "If you do anything to your sister, i'm going to beat you down" and so on. Nowdays, my sister points her fingers to me and starts calling me names, I try to rebuke her and he starts to scream, "Get out, if you lay a finger on her, I'll kick your ass" unlike me, my sister does what she wants and when she wants, he protects her way too much.
You are having a pretty rough time getting through adolescence, for sure. It is usually a tough period of life for everyone, but the good news is things get better as you move on to an adult life. Your story has a lot of similarities to my own several decades ago. My father was very intolerant to long hair as well.
Here's something that might help to know. When their children are young parents feel they are responsible for pretty much everything about their children and anything that seems wrong is a reflection of their own failure. When a child reaches his or her teens both the child and the parent begin the difficult period that ends in the child being responsible for himself. The good news is that once that happens, the parent often feels a sense of relief that they no longer bear the burden of responsibility for the child. It's likely that once you prove to your father you can live on your own and make your own way in the world he will accept you more. At that point he may consider you your own person and not his responsibility any longer. You need to aim for that time as soon as possible, I think.
Good luck, Guilherme.
Don't count on it though. My mother never accepted my having long hair, and she never accepted my having a beard or wearing the clothes I wear. I never had the angst about the beard and clothes, though, because they came about as part of my identity when I was 14 to 16 years old, and I had not been harassed about them when young and helpless. I got just as much crap about them from employers and such, though, but I readily brushed it off.
The long hair issue came to a head when I was 45 years old. My mother was as abusive as ever, and one day it all blew up. I never contacted her after that, and I never heard from her again. 18 years later a friend from my high school years tracked me down on the Internet to give me his condolences when he read in the local paper there that she had died. That is how I learned of it. I cried that day, but it was over recalling all the abuse she had heaped on me over the years, not over any sense of loss. I have cried over the loss of other family members, but as for her, I have never cried again.
Ken Gourley here on MLHH will probably weigh in that his abusive father never outgrew the abuse. Sometimes to get on with your life, you just have to write such people off.
Bill
I'll add that soon afterward I went to the cemetery, 2000 miles from here, because I needed to see the hole in the ground next to my dad. Deep inside, I wanted to see with my own eyes that she was dead. My urge was to piss in the hole, but I refrained. At last I had won, and there was no need to carry on the battle anymore.
Bill
I too would love to have seen my hair long when I was in my 20's. My mother in particular would make sure that a visit home involved a visit to the barber's. In hindsight, I was aware of wanting long hair when I was 12, but accepted the haircuts without too much ado.
Neither of my parents has been abusive. They always believed they were doing the best thing for their children, but they came from the English establishment and Victorian morality.
Over the years, especially through my seminary years, hair cutting was just a part of the deal, and I went to buzz cutting a little more than 10 years ago, persuaded that hair was just nothing to be cared about.
Only now that I am 55 and white-haired have I decided to go for it and I approach my 9 months. Last May I saw my father, but he didn't say a word about my hair. One sister simply exclaimed "Ooh, long hair!" and said no more. My wife still tells people that I'm "going through a phase" or having a "late teenage crisis", but she did finally ask me the reason why. I suspect she knows that I am dead serious about it and I'm stubborn.
It is never too late to discover ourselves. Being ourselves is often a test of friendships and family loyalty. It is something we all have to do in our own ways. It is part of what Jung calls our individuation and emotional balance. We can't be any good to other people until we get ourselves together.
I am really inspired by Val's family and his lovely little boy who has always been allowed to have his hair as he wanted. Some families have grown out of selfishness and "convention" to put the human person first. That is human nature at its best.
Long hair is part of it for you, and it is for me.
My blog
That was a really emotional read there, Bill.
Thanks you for sharing, and thanks for this community here. The more I read and write here, the more I learn we are all the same.
Whether young, old, gay, straight... we are all people who believe everybody should take charge of their body and their life, and do whatever makes them happy, without hurting anybody else.
If only the rest of the world was a bit more tolerant.
But hey, one person at a time :)
as I promised, sorry for the bad quality but, this is what i only founded with short hair.
This photo was taken 3 months before i got hospitalized and it is in my conscription documents.
And this one is from my hair looks like nowdays, growing for 1 year and 6 months. (I even had an increase in weight due to the time I spent in the hospital as you can see in the picture).
I don't know exactly which length is at the moment, but the last time I measured my hair, it was almost a 20 cm but, looking on the picture it deceives by being a full and thick hair.
Your hair looks good now, but with your curls it's going to look sensational when it's longer.
Chris
That looks really good, Guilherme!
Remember that with your hair texture, length is harder to show, though it's definitely there! Remember that you will probably need between 4-6 years to reach shoulder length, but when you do, it will be glorious, my friend!
Keep on growing! Wishing you nothing but the best!
Hi Guilherme,
Your hair is simply amazing! I love the curls and color! Just think about how it will look when it gets longer my friend! Please keep it growing!
Ted
Hey Guilherme!
That was a really heart-wrenching story to read, especially when it hits so close to home as it does in my case.
I too, had a father who was extremely abusive in this regard (and in others, but that's a different story), and who would absolutely not allow his boy grow "girls' hair".
I remember so much nagging, threatening, and even being forced to take the drive to the barber in ordet to forecully cut my hair.
I remember times when I thought, what if I simply locked myself in my room, and wouldn't let him in? I wanted to keep my long-ish hair so bad, but I was simply afraid of the man.
My father has grown in apost WWII eastern-german family, and he never knew any other way of being a parent other than inflicting terror as means for respect and obedience.
At this age of 31, I am ashamed that I have never stood up to him, and let him know that I won't take it any more. I was simply afraid of what he might do to me, my little sister and my mother, so I never lifted a hand back, even long after I could and should have.
Either way, my friend.. I understand your frustration. The feeling that this man, with his narrow minded, totalitarian way of thinking, is who is getting to decide over your own body.
It's bad.
But you know what? Once you grow up, you have two choices.
To become a carbon image of that man, or the exact opposite.
And you know what? I decided to be the opposite.
My dad drank, and still does drink profusely- I am straight edge.
My dad was so proud of his degrees, income and status- I am a simply man who couldn't care less about materialism.
My dad hated and still does hate anything outside the box, tattoos included- I have already covered almost half my body in art.
And I am trying my best every day, to teach, spread and think positively, and to show love and compassion.
My friend, you are free, rejoice in the rest of your life, and never look back.
Your brother, Raul.
Thanks for relating your experience. I didn't realize you grew up in that environment. So it wasn't just the military that inhibited how you wore your hair.
It's a testament to the enlightened man you've become that instead of following in your father's backward ways, you've become the opposite of him.
I so agree that leading a life enslaved to just gaining material things, degrees or titles at your occupation is an empty one. Nothing is more soul corroding than alcohol abuse or reliance. Of course, we all agree that outside interference about how we wear our hair has no place either.
You've broken free my friend! Wear your hair proudly when you see him! Maybe he'll eventually see the light.
Thank you for your kind words of encouragement, my good friend!
In the past, I have chosen not to speak or write too much about this subject, as some details are still blurry to me, and my mother to this day surprises me with bits of information I have long made myself forget.
Either way, I am very happy to see a change in the world, and good fathers such as yourself and Val, which let their children be exactly who they want to be, and not force them to conform to some premeditated "ideal" child that they will never live up tp being anyway.
Diversity is beauty. And beauty is everywhere.
Take care, Jason! I WILL meet you and Amanda some day, and my hair will be long and proud, I can promise you that much!
Thanks for the kind words Jason, my father is the kind of people that says: If you don't do what I'm saying, I won't give you that. I even missed my cousin's wedding for just about it, "If you don't cut your hair and shave that beard , I will not take you to anywhere with me and your mother" and then I ended up staying at home taking care of the dogs and the birds.
On the next day, I had to call my cousin, apologizing for not going to the wedding and i gaved an excuse, saying that I was sick and could not go.
You write so eloquently about freedom from parental tyranny and social conventions that are all about keeping people like children and thus under control. For too many years, I allowed that tyranny (latterly coming from myself) to keep my hair short and buzzed. It became a part of me I didn't care about!
There are many addictions to alcohol, narcotics and nicotine - but there are also things like bad religion and materialism. Many people live in the "Matrix" and fight to maintain it. Breaking free is costly, but it is the price of our souls.
Growing hair has been and is a revelation for me. It is never too late, if we have the hair for it...
Anthony
My blog
Hi Guilherme,
Thank you so much for sharing your story here, I was very moved while reading it. As Bill said in his reply to you, I also had a very stubborn, willful, anti-longhair father. My entire childhood, even through my teen years (up until I left his house at age 18), my dad forced me and my brothers into have extremely short military-style haircuts -- including at the beginning of every summer, he insisted on giving all of us boys mandatory buzz-cuts.
There is so much more that I could write on this topic; but for now, I'll just encourage you to also read my reply to Darrin in his "Long Hair Trim Anxiety" post (just scroll down a bit lower and you'll soon find it, my reply to him is "I think it's fairly common").
A few years ago, before my step-mom died, I asked her a strange question re. my father (they divorced the same year I moved out of my dad's house):
"Mom, I'm worried that there might be something wrong with me, because recently some friends of mine have lost their fathers, and they're grieving quite heavily; but when I think back to Dad's death, I don't remember ever shedding a single tear after he died."
Here was her reply to me:
"Honey, you shed a lot of tears when he was alive -- and that was enough!"
Her words make me smile every time I think back to that conversation...
Abusive treatment from a parent, especially when it can feel like such a horrible violation of your physical body and the rights of a child to grow and keep their own hair on their own head, is unfortunately a very deep painful wound that takes many many MANY years to heal (IF indeed it does ever heal). Be kind to yourself, grow your hair as long as you'd like, and protect yourself by having as little to do with abusive people (including your own father, if in a position to do so) as you can possibly do. I call these kind of people "toxic"... they can poison your future happiness, health, and general well-being (if you hang around them and let them keep their control over you).
Your story is such a fine example of your bravery, your ability to survive against incredible adversity, and your clear vision of your natural identity & who you are on the "inside" winning against someone holding you back by forcing you to be someone you're NOT on the outside... it was simply AMAZING for me to read this -- and such a joy and great testament to the continuing value of MLHH!!!
- Ken in San Francisco
Hi again Guilherme,
I forgot to include this pic of me and my brothers...
On the far left is my older brother (my only biological sibling, who died in '83); on the far right is myself. Sandwiched in-between us are my 3 step-brothers -- which I was extremely happy about, as my dad married my step-mom just a few months earlier, and I got along with much better than them than my own biological brother (LOL)!
Although in this photo nowadays I can look at it and say, "How cute!", back then I totally hated hated HATED those damn buzz-cuts. My brothers and I were given NO CHOICE in the matter, as my dad made all of the rules of the house, and nobody (including my mom) was allowed to dare challenge him.
Amazing how a parent can think they have the right to become a totally ruthless dictator over something so benign as the hair on their child's own head!
- Ken
Hi Guilherme,
I am so sorry about what you have been through! I was sad reading your story! Hopefully you can one day convince your father that long hair is okay. I am keeping you in my prayers for your situation to get better. May your parents get well soon and things get back to normal! Welcome to the board and please stay well my friend!
Ted
What we've seen in this thread are a number of us who have had a lifelong identity with being longhaired, that parents who have not shared that identity have tried for many years to change us, and that those efforts fail. All the parents get for their efforts is the eventual breakup of the family.
For some of us, our longhair identity is as strong as what transgender people call their gender identity, and it is all part of one's identity mechanism. Attempts to change a child's identity can be so harmful that states are beginning to pass laws against it. A child is his own human being, he is not the property of his parents. As time goes on, the human race is coming to realize this more and more.
We are small in number, or so it seems. Until the Internet came along, we didn't find others and we suffered in silence. We often languished for years, lacking any support. Now we can get it in places like MLHH, and on line we can meet others. We may just learn in time that we are not as small a group as we have initially thought.
In the 1950s most gay people thought they were "the only one". As society became more connected, what a surprise it was, when we learned several percent of people are gay.
There will always be bigotry against any small group, and longhairs are no exception. What we can hope for in time, though, is for overt action on that bigotry to become illegal and socially unacceptable. The more we are out there with our message and our asserting our right to our identity, in time the better off we all will be.
The stories we've told in this thread are not pretty and they are tough to "come out with" and tell, but they must be told. The public must hear them for us to eventually be able to put the acceptability of such behavior behind us.
Hugs to you all, and thanks for the courage of each one of you to share.
Bill
How true, Bill, and what a joy it was to read your comments!
"Knowledge is power", as the classic old saying goes -- and self-knowlendge is not only a powerful way to begin one's life on the correct footing; but is also the key to freedom of thought, health, and happiness all throughout adult life.
My biggest regret in life is not knowing myself better when i was younger, and not growing my hair out SOONER (also when I was younger). But hey, I "got there" eventually; so I'll stop with my whining and complaining now (LOL)!
Thanks, as always, for sharing your wonderful insights, and articulating what is often quite difficult to express and explain to others. On the surface, MLHH may seem to be just "all about hair" -- which may sound very shallow to those who have never felt it to be a very important thing. But to those of us who find it to be vitally important to our happiness and to our identity, MLHH is truly a refuge in the storm of not feeling understood by others... What a gift!
- Ken
You have done the right thing with the computer studies; continue and get certifications! With credentials you could emigrate and take your mother with you. Computer skills are needed everywhere.