new thread
I meant to write about this a month or more ago, re. the emotional /psychological / spiritual transformations that many of us go through in becoming a longhair, especially during our first journey from being short-haired to making it through the "awkward stage"...
We are all different. Some of us are from extremely conservative anti-longhair backgrounds and upbringings; while others enjoy a wonderfully supportive open-minded environment & attitude from friends and family alike.
To whatever degree we feel little or no support from those around us to grow out our own hair, -- whether at home, school, or work -- in that proportion are we going to find it emotionally and psychologically difficult to overcome a few obstacles, both externally AND internally (meaning: other people will try to talk us out of growing, AND we ourselves are capable of committing self-sabotage -- even if we dearly want long hair).
Before I forget to say it: in the Links section is Bill Choisser's "On Being A Longhair", which is a great read that covers a lot of this very same topic; so if you're new here, check it out!!
For me, during my first time successfully growing my hair out to ponytail length (I had tried many times before, and failed), a lot of the issues I had to overcome was that of self-consciousness ("I'm too old to have long hair" / "My hair has gotten too thin" / "I look like a homeless guy" / blah, blah, blah, blah)... Also, because of an ultra-conservative upbringing from a military father, the "broken record" inside my head was hard to break, even long after my father's death (for example: "long hair is for girls", etc.).
Growing your hair out sometimes involves growing a bigger set of balls (sorry for saying it like that; but I don't know any other way to say it better or clearer)! It's YOUR hair on YOUR own head, and we have only one life to live on this planet; so be a man about it. If long hair is what you really want (even if you just want to give it a "try" for awhile), then for Heaven's sake, GO FOR IT!!!
Again, "everybody is different"; so no worries if you discover that long hair is NOT really your thing after all.... But for me, it is something I had ALWAYS wanted -- and once I achieved it, I was able to look back and realize that I had grown in many other ways (besides just hair).
Happy Hair-farming!
- Ken
Fantastic read there, my good friend!
The deeper I embrak into this journey of growing long hair (and to a lesser extent, a long-ish beard), the more I identify with all the points you mention.
The more time passes, the more secure I feel with my long hair. True, that may be a factor of the fact that it pyshically LOOKS better and closer to being 'long hair' by the day, but I think it's really on a much deeper subject than that.
I was one who grew up in a household where "long hair was for girls", and where I was forcefully getting haircuts whenever I was even getting into the awkward stage.
It's such an astounding feeling of feerom and self control being 31 years old, and changing my looks to what I want them to look like, in order to represent the person I always felt I was deep inside.
That feeling of taking control over your own body, and life, and having autonomy to do such things without taking too much care and notice to naysayers around you... that is what true freedom and self confidence is all about to me.
So yes, some people might think I looked SOOOO much better in my modelling days with a pompadour and shaved face. And for all general purpose, I actually might have looked "better" conventionally...
But what I am trying to say here, to anybody thinking about growing their hair long, is that as Ken so masterfully put it, we only have ONE LIFE, how sad would it be laying there on our death bed and wishing we had tried this at least one.
If for nothing else, then at least to know how it FEELS like having long hair/long beard/whatever.
So I say, do whatever your heart tells you to do, and if the people around you are not supportive, try to make them see the light, the ones who really care about you, will get used to it and love you either way.
The ones who stop loving you because of your hair length/color/lack there of, are not worth keeping in your life anyway.
Grow & prosper!
Excellently stated, Raul, I agree 100% with all of your comments in your reply!! And yes, it is a joy to become the person on the OUTside of us who we always felt we were on the inside.
Thanks so much for your insightful comments!
Thank YOU, Ken, for starting this topic and putting your thoughts to virual paper as well as you did :)
Very well stated.
Hi Ken,
As usual, a great post by you my friend! I think too many people want to look like the current style. One time I read where this guy with long hair had an interesting idea. He said when guys started growing their hair, he would cut his.
I can't say I was forced to get haircuts as a younger person. My dad was in the Navy for many years. However, he never really made us get haircuts. I think I was just too impatient to let my hair grow. Also, I barely wanted to do my chores, let alone maintain (read: comb) long hair! My mother would much rather have combed hair whether it was long or short! As we got older my brother and I grew our hair out longer without any problems from my dad. I am glad my parents raised me to be tolerant and open minded. I wouldn't want it any other way!
And yes, I highly recommend Bill's writings! A great read indeed!
Ted
Hi Ted,
It's good to hear when someone had a tolerant and open-minded upbringing, I'm always so pleased and encouraged to know there are such wonderful parents in the world like yours! It's also been fun for me to watch my brothers raise their kids in a good way as well -- completely opposite from how my dad raised us, thank goodness! Hair length has never been an issue with however my nephews wanted to grow theirs, they were all allowed to make their own decisions about that.
Thanks so much for your reply, it's always great hearing from you!!
- Ken
Nice thinky thoughts!
I realize now how lucky I was...I never had any serious obstacles or opposition to growing my hair...and I was given the knowledge and resources to be able to choose to move to an area where individuality and diversity are celebrated. From my perspective of now, the fact that my father was a closeted gay man until I was in my late 20s meant that he supported me and my brother doing our own thing (although not in an obvious way). Give your kids what you didn't have.
So, in an odd way, long hair is LESS of a symbol of myself than it might be for others who faced more adversity...and I never seriously had many personal obstacles to hair growth (OK, besides the last partial cut that was prompted by a mouthful of pizza and hair). But it is a part of who I am, and I can't imagine being without it!
LOL!!
Yes, "Amen!"
OMG, this is too funny! Hopefully you didn't have to cut too much of it!
Always a pleasure hearing from you, Robert! You bring an interesting perspective every time I read your posts or replies, thank you.
- Ken
You are so right on Ken!
I would add that this journey we take not only transforms us, but those around us also. I had alot of opposition when I started. Friends would say "A little long is ok, as long as it is not in a ponytail". But now it's down my back in a braid and I still have those friends!
Bruce
WOW, I never thought of it that way; but yes, why wouldn't it also transform others around us? How cool is that!
I only lost one friendship due to me growing out my hair -- and even that one is only "semi-lost"... a former Swing dance partner of mine was glad when I cut my hair short in Y2K, and argued with me that I should never grow it back; but eventually my hair spoke for me (LOL)! I haven't seen her in a long time; but most likely she would be wiser now, and just keep her mouth shut if she did see me with this hair! (LOL)
Thanks so much for your insightful reply, Bruce, always great hearing from you!!
- Ken
Everything that has been said here, I agree on all aspects. Anyone who knows my story around here knows what I'm talking about.
Even with all the difficulties I went through and still do, I never felt so happy as before. Friends of mine who had not seen me since I finished the High School, classmates who were accustomed to me in a way, when they look at me in the street, some of then are even amazed with so much change in so little time and when I told them about cutting it, they said "Please, don't cut it, it's looking amazing, don't bother about what your father is sayings, it's looking better than before"
Even going against the wishes of my parents, while my father stopped making tantrum about my hair, but not yet accepted and my mother before she was convinced by my father that I needed to cut it, she was looking through some old pictures of me and looked at me like I am now and was impressed at the huge difference, as well as my friends.
And what about me? Well, I never felt that happy before, never felt as myself for years, business is running very well once again, on the next week I'm going to start ordering some flyers for distributing around here on my town and on closer neighborhoods, my hair is starting to grab some more weight as well and is getting nearing the point for tying it back, but still needs some time, since the fringe(bangs) is not on the same size ratio.
If someone arrives at me and starts saying that i should cut my hair, I don't think twice on saying no. Even my little sister was saying that i needed to cut my hair, so I asked her "Why?", and she said "Boys need to cut their hair, and you need it too", so i replied back and said "So, why you don't cut your hair then? Some girls even shave their heads, why don't you do the same?" and she said "No, girls need to have long hair and boys need to have short hair, long hair is for girls". She said that in a couple of months ago.
Nowdays, she doesn't say a word, but stares at me most of time, looking to my hair. So I asked her "Do you like it? Getting long hair is a girl's thing? What do you say about it?" and she said "I never said that long hair is girls only, i was only saying what my father always said about it, it's looking cool, don't cut it". I don't blame her for saying all that, she's only 9 and don't understand everything right, she only follows what my father say to her, but from the time and gradually, I'm opening her mind on this subject.
Thanks for your nice reply, Guilherme! Yes, I agree with you: not only is it good that everyone should do as they wish with their own hair; but also by doing so, you are opening up the minds of others around you as well.
Take Care,
Ken in San Francisco
but also by doing so, you are opening up the minds of others around you as well.
Thanks Ken! Lord knows this world can certainly use more open-minded people!
Ted
I have been away from the board a little with travelling, looking after nephews and taking them sailing, etc. and work just like everyone else. But, rest easy, my hair is still growing and has not been cut. I'll send an update shortly before going on holiday in Brittany next month with my wife and my boat. We have also bought a second laptop computer, which allows me to keep in touch wherever I find wi-fi.
I approach my 10-month mark, which means I am still in my awkward stage. I have opted for natural growth rather than cutting the back to wait for everything else to catch up. I'll start trimming in a year or two once everything is pony-tail-able. My wife finds the layered hair looks "feminine", but I don't care.
There are the physical sensations of hair on the shoulders and touching it with hands. I am very aware of having rejected the old stuff about men being short-haired and women being long-haired. I reject the very things that caused two world wars in the 20th century, the very era that butchered men's hair and produced the awful styles of the 1950's and the 1930's - which are now back in fashion. I very much identify with the Romantics of the early 19th century who rose against the machine and the reduction of man to only his rational faculties. Today, the "dark satanic mill" of William Blake looms in our reduction to technology at the expense of emotion, art and beauty. That is my cultural basis of long hair, as a "medievalist". I'm sure this instinct takes many forms like the movement of the 1960's in reaction to the totalitarianisms of the period leading to World War II.
For me as a priest, long hair takes me away from conservative political Christianity to centre more on the spiritual aspect. I am well aware that conservatism is killing Christianity - but man still has need of spirituality and transcendence. My Bishop, who himself has a beard (but short hair), has shown tolerance, and this endears him to me. One young lady observed that my hair was almost as long as hers. I answered, beware lest it become longer than yours!
Indeed it takes guts and individuality, not caring what others say, or being counter-cultural - just being ourselves. That is the greatest challenge.
Keep calm and carry on...
Anthony
Thank You Ken for posting this.
This is a "growing" process, not just for hair....
...and thanks again to Bill for "On Being A Longhair,"
which is how I found this great community....
All the best ... The Spaf Man