new thread
I've mentioned how my wife and I intend to give our son complete hair freedom. Aside from a tiny trim of some hair in the back because of it being damaged baby hair and very prone to tangling, my son's hair has not been cut.
I've wondered at what stage he will begin to understand the concept of hair and how he wants it. A routine we've had for a while is that he pulls off the tie holding my braid at night and then loosens my braid to release my previously bound hair. He's now been asking for a tie himself at times. So, he's definitely beginning to understand how long hair is cared for.
Yesterday, completely unprompted he remarked that he wants to have long hair like daddy and mommy. I responded by telling him he could have his hair however he likes. I told him his hair is starting to get long and asked him if he likes it. The response was that, yes, he does.
His hair is pretty curly but when it's wet, it goes down to between his shoulder blades. We definitely won't be cutting the bangs and it already can be worn with it all reaching a tie with a high ponytail.
So, needless to say, we're very happy that he has expressed this desire. But he is his own person without question, already expressing preferences in a number of areas. I don't doubt that part of it is wanting to be like me but I feel like it's more than that. If he changes his mind, it will be cut but I don't see that happening in the foreseeable future. He gets complimented all the time when we're out about his hair and I know he likes that. We dress him in dark colors and despite his longish hair, it's very rare that he gets called a girl while we're out.
I wonder if there is any genetic component to having a longhair identity. I was *very* young when I knew I wanted to grow my hair long.
Our son grew up with long hair until he was 8, then decided he wanted it cut so he could have 'spiky' hair, which I suppose was popular amongst his peers at the time. Then, when he was 12 he decided to grow it back out, and it is quite long now (he's 21).
His short hair phase also coincided with his extra large shirt phase. I guess all the other kids were wearing their clothes too big as well. I don't regret the end of that part of it atall.
OTOH, he has always been clean shaven, and never had any desire to grow any facial hair like his dad. In fact he's very particular about not having stubble. There again, when he was 18 he came out as gay, but there are plenty of gay guys who do have facial hair right here in this group.
If it comes to that, straight dad loves wearing bright colours and has been known to wear a kilt, but gay son dresses mostly in dark, drab, colours and wouldn't be seen dead in a kilt. So much for stereotypes!
I suppose when they are younger they just want to look like us, and don't care what other people do. Then later, peer pressure kicks in, and finally they make up their own minds. Of course, some people don't pass through all these stages, especially if their parents are victims of peer pressure and conformity!
Our daughter, now 17, OTOH, has twice gone from long hair to a shoulder length style, including just recently. I laughed when she was complaining about it being too short to tie back, and told her it would grow back. Her reply was "I don't want it to grow back. It's cute". Despite that, I know she doesn't visit the hair stylist often enough to keep it that short for very long. My wife has long hair as well, but obviously that doesn't influence her too much.
I completely agree that stereotypes don’t always match reality but we feel it’s prudent at this stage to dress him in ways that are generally perceived as being masculine given his having long blond hair.
I quite agree. Perhaps my point is that my son, who is gay, dresses more masculine than I do!
Hi Jason,
I think that's great that you are letting your son's hair grow out at a very young age but ultimately he will decide how he prefers it once he's more into making such grooming decisions.I'm sure peer pressure will weigh into it and guessing by the time he's older most guys still will be wearing their hair short.But hey, sow the seeds of longhairdom early on and see if he continues down that path.All you can do is set the example but he will make the final decision.
Speaking for myself I waited until after graduating HS before I took the longhair plunge.My only influences were guys I saw in real life who had long hair being there was no internet and mlhh at that time.I dressed very conservative during my younger days but once in my 20s the fuse was lite and I did what I always must have dreamed of as a kid:)I must have loved longhair to keep it that way for the decades that followed :) In fact, as I see it, the rest of my life will be as a longhair.Cheers
Mârk
Hi Mark,
Peer pressure will definitely be coming but I think things have changed somewhat. We personally know of families who have longhaired boys who go to regular public school. Much depends on the nature of the boy. Is he fiercely independent of mind? How much does he care about what others think? Perhaps most importantly, what exactly does having long hair mean to him?
It will be interesting to see what path my son chooses as he becomes more capable to make his own decisions. Just in the last month, he’s become very vocal in expressing what he likes and doesn’t like. I suspect it’s part of his developmental stage as he completes his year of being two. We’ll support whatever grooming decisions he makes.
Jason
My son has a friend who has a son who has never had a hair cut. He is about 9 years old now and his hair is down to his butt. He is an amazingly confident kid. He is over mistaken for a girl but handles it well. Strange thing, though - his dad has a short hair style. They just never bothered to cut hair and he never wanted to, either... Freedom of choice.
BTW, it is great to see you back on this site again, Jason. That picture of you and your family is awesome - you each look very happy indeed.
Thanks Fitz!
I've still been lurking. Given my impending joblessness, I've found it hard to focus on hair as much as I used to. The interest is always there though even if it may be latent temporarily.
As for the example you mentioned, my dad and indeed all male relatives had very short hair and were vocal about the requirement for it. My interest in having long hair without question came from inside.
Jason
Hi Jason,
First of all, my apologies for being almost totally absent on the hyoerboard lately. It has been quite the nice summer, and along with the golf, a trip to NYC, and a new interest in antique clock collecting, those things have taken up much of my time.
I just had to stop on by and say this is a great photo of your family, and it is cool to know that your don has expressed the desire to have long hair totally on his own.
I am not sure if there is a scientific or genetic predisposition towards a desire to have long hair, but it is certainly an interesting thought.
It is certainly interesting that your son's hair is so curly, knowing that your hair is only mildly wavy, and Amanda's hair is straight. It is good to know that Amanda has long hair as well.
Thank you for sharing, and good luck to your son in his future hair growing journey.
David
Hi David,
Thank you and it’s great to hear from you! It sounds like you are keeping very busy indeed and it’s cool that you’ve found a new hobby as well. Retirement is treating you well!
My mother had very curly hair so my son may have got it from that source. The hair in back is especially curly on him though it’s starting to turn more into tight waves given the added length and weight of it.
I too have been absent from MLHH of late. My job of almost 20 years is being outsourced so I’ve been consumed with find a solution to this. I’ve never had to deal with finding a job while being a longhair so this is new and admittedly intimidating territory for me.
Take care,
Jason
Hi Jason,
I agree about the retirement thing, and have no complaints at all. The bus tour of NYC was a real eye opener and a lot of fun, the first trip to the big city in my life, actually, and it was nice to see Tammy again after 4 years as well.
It was Justin, actually, who put the bug in me about clock collecting. Most of mine, antique cuckoo clocks, come from the Black Forest of Germany,
Naturally, I am sorry to hear about the job situation, and I know that you expressed your concern that this could happen in our past conversations. I hope that things will go well in your job hunt.
Take care,
David
Thanks for the support, David. It's true that I did fear for a long time that this day would come. The company actually split from its parent about a year ago and we were led to believe that we would move to a new location pretty much intact. Not so. Hundreds have lost their jobs.
Hi Jason,
As you recall I am very aware of your job situation as it hits home for me since I was unfortunately blessed with an abrupt layoff on the eve of Labor Day weekend back in 2013.I ultimately secured a new job around three months later and now I'm actually approaching my first year with them.The job is OK but not very challenging as I'm not learning anything new that I don't already know.I envy guys like David N. who, if I remember correctly, retired at the age of 55.I'm at the point in my life as I'm tiring of my field and would love to retire at that age since its not that far off for me.I, in no way,want to do this into my 60s.Aside from that I'm sure you'll land a good job even with the long hair.I made no attempt to hide that fact that I had long hair during my job search.Just put it in a bun with my hair sticks and acted like nothing was abnormal because it wasn't.It's who I am red hair and all :)Sorry about the mini rant but I admit to feeling burnt out as of late.....
Mârk
I hear you Mark! It would be so wonderful to be financially independent and not beholden to anyone.
I do plan on approaching interviews without allowing my hair to be an issue. If they raise it, then I'll have to deal with it but I'm not going into the situation cowering.
-----------------
Hi Jason,
Well my hope is to get as close as possible to what I feel I can live on so I can then call it a career at some point because life is too short.I'd like to be able to enjoy it while still in reasonably good health. I know even now things are changing health wise for me but I'm attributing that to just getting older. I just don't want to become a slave to working my life away and would be willing to live cheaper to do it sooner.Cheers
Mârk
What an excellent family photo, Jason, that's definitely a keeper!
Interesting to read your thoughts about how you & Amanda are raising your son with complete freedom of choice re. his own hair -- WOW, can i ever relate to that!!! My brother that lives nearby also did the same when my nephew was young, explaining to my sister-in-law how rigid and uncompromising my dad was towards us when we were boys; so this hair freedom issue was something very important to him also, even before he got married. My nephew is now 29, likes his hair short currently; but he had long dreadlocks for about 6 years, as well as had a great variety of lengths & styles throughout his childhood and teen years.
Re. this question of yours, below...
Here is my own answer:
From as far back as I can remember, I absolutely HATED having my hair cut -- I even remember kicking and screaming and crying in the local hometown barber shop chair when I was very very young!! Shortly after that memory, my dad purchased a "home barbershop kit", cutting my hair and my brothers' hair from then onward at home (he was a LOUSY hair-stylist, had no skill in that whatsoever).
Like you, I was also extremely young when i knew within myself that I wanted long hair -- in fact, the more my dad denied me & my brothers of that wish, the stronger my desire became to someday eventually grow it out. It played a powerful influence in my life, including having a strong effect on many of my decisions in life, both when younger and in more recent times...
Thanks again for stopping by and sharing this beautiful pic and terrific post, it's always great to hear from you!!
- Ken
Hi Ken,
Thanks so much!
I suspect there is no genetic component but I guess it still is a possibility. It’s interesting to consider what causes some men to want long hair. In our cases, it had nothing to do with fashion trends are popular culture but was rather an innate desire.
I think it’s quite likely that my son will want to experiment with various hair styles. I’m glad to be able to offer him the environment to do so without harassment.
Great to hear from you Ken!
Jason
In my case I know exactly what caused me to want long hair.
One day in 1964 I was watching the Ed Sullivan show and this
band called the Beatles came on. It was then that I knew I had to grow my hair long. It lit a fire that gave me a burning desire to grow long hair. Maybe the desire for long hair was in
my DNA?
In the early days of MLHH we stumbled onto this phenomenon, and we refer to it as being "a born longhair". Dave and I revisited it recently when translating "On Being a Longhair" into Spanish. In recent years we now realize it is likely the same mechanism that transgender people during that time period have come to call "gender identity".
Part 4 of 'On Being a Longhair'
Bill
I have greatly enjoyed reading these reflections about what makes us want long hair.
In my own life, I have felt the aversion to barbers as people we pay (or our parents paid) to invade our personal space to make some change. The guy is paid to do his job, which he does more or less well as soon as we sit in the chair and have the apron attached. It was almost a ritual with the cutting, the barber asking if I wanted more off here or there, and finally showing me the back of my head with a mirror. Finally he would ask “You want anything on it?” (Brylcream, etc.) - and then you would pay what is due. The sensation of having less hair was disconcerting. No sooner did it grow, the process would be repeated.
I joined a “shorthair” profession – the priesthood, and I just accepted that this was part of the deal. I kept my hair very short until September 2013. Perhaps my real “identity” was “repressed”.
The “long hair bug” bit me, probably with being aware that a large part of my life had been eaten away. Part of it was my old aversion to bourgeois conventions and that kind of conception of life. A part of my own “psychoanalysis” was to go back to my early adolescence, characterized by my 12 years in 1971, and to consider what most motivated me. There was a strange mix of 1960’s culture with “classical” music, my thirst for what imagination can create and the call of nature. I was already fascinated by the sea and being away from “society” and its silly conventions. Now I have a boat. Looking at photos of myself as a teenager (1970’s), I am surprised how long I was actually allowed to grow my hair. But, there was always the limit and the visit to the barber to set everything at naught in the name of doing the right things that boys are expected to do.
For me, it’s not so much long hair in itself, but what it symbolizes – profound alienation from “society” (I get on with people but like supping with the Devil with a long spoon) and my desire to live life by ceasing to let it run away without any purpose because I did what others expected me to do. I tend also to identify with “pre-modern” eras, times when men had long hair and it was a symbol of their freedom.
Longhair gene? I don’t know. I wasn’t especially unhappy with short hair, since that aspect of me was still asleep. I wonder which others are still dormant. I go through a time in my life when I find the need for a great deal of introspection like Jung when he knew he had to know himself before being able to help others. Perhaps we are all hardwired to be natural and live our humanity in a different way from the absurdities of the modern world. The thing I find most significant is we longhairs have different cultural references and philosophies of life, like different kinds of music, codes of ethics and morality, spiritual views, etc. Perhaps that shows that long hair is not something merely cultural or a "fashion", at least for me.
Oscar Wilde once said something like the best way to imitate Christ was to be oneself, because Christ was perfectly himself. That is something that has deeply marked me.
My blog
I, in turn, have enjoyed your thoughtful posts on self-discovery and the role that having long hair plays in that. It's a pleasure to witness your "becoming" at this stage in your life and the happiness that comes out in the sharing of your experience.
Many thanks, Jason, for the kind words. It is lovely to see little children with their natural hair, never cut, just as they had in the 19th century. I think a child also needs to know about the ideal of tolerance and the ability to ignore prejudice and "received ideas". They need to develop a thick skin at school to avoid peer pressure to have their hair cut.
I am now at 13 months and can get almost all my side hair into the ponytail (though it doesn't yet stay there for long). I have not had an unpleasant awkward stage. I have just worn my hair loose and lived with it - and enjoyed it. I want to go another good year before any trimming to let the side hair catch up with the longest hair at the back. Most of my hair is 8-9 inches, whereas the average would be 6-7 inches in the time. Not bad...
I'll send in a photo for Christmas - I'll be 15 months since my last haircut.
Regards,
Anthony
* * *
My blog
I've heard of a few cases when the mother has been so much in love with her little boy's hair that she could not bear to get it cut, and it grew to properly long hair. trouble is, as that age, boys and girls look very similar. other kids are little gits too, and made fun of the boys, calling them girls.
the boys asked to have a hair cut "very short" "like a boy" and they loved it. I am sure the result is that they will be put off long hair, possibly forever.
I would keep a masculine amount of long hair. I mean, it can be longish, but "girl long" hair should not be on a boy.
I have to respectfully disagree. Long hair is neither feminine nor masculine in its essence. It is only preconceived, TAUGHT prejudices which make a person judge Anything, that is, ostensibly that long hair is feminine, or black is bad, or mixed races marriages are unnatural. Prejudice is ONLY defeated when we define things for ourselves. So, if Any man wants long hair and is not selfconscious about it he will succeed in people accepting it as very natural and acceptable. The same has already happened for girls with short hair and wearing pants. Be yourself and teach your kids to do the same. Living for what someone else decides is good for you is a WASTED LIFE. SJ
I was at a church service (catholic)for mother in law who died
11 years go this month, I had the longest hair in the church.
Every woman (and girls) in the church had hair far shorter than
mine.
It is only preconceived, TAUGHT prejudices which make a person judge Anything, that is, ostensibly that long hair is feminine, or black is bad, or mixed races marriages are unnatural. Prejudice is ONLY defeated when we define things for ourselves. So, if Any man wants long hair and is not selfconscious about it he will succeed in people accepting it as very natural and acceptable. The same has already happened for girls with short hair and wearing pants. Be yourself and teach your kids to do the same. Living for what someone else decides is good for you is a WASTED LIFE. SJ
Very well put. I've got long hair, it will stay long until the day I die. I'm not self conscious about it at all. I'll wear my hair as long as i want it, if someone doesn't like it they can pound sand.
Says who? Society? Peers?
Personally, I couldn't care less about those factors. Perhaps my son will and, if so, then it will be his choice to change his appearance accordingly.
Of course around here "girl long" hair is is in many cases shorter than shoulder length. In this part of the US of A you can go around town and find 99 out of 100 girls (women) with short hair. Very few women nowadays have long hair. So what is a "masculine amount of long hair" when most of the women (girls) have short hair?
WOW, this is news to me, I've never heard the term "girl long" before -- other than maybe from back in the day when my military-thinking dad ridiculed my desire to have my own hair long as a kid.
The ability to grow long hair is HUMAN. Both sexes, whether male or female, are equally capable of growing and maintaining their own hair as long as their genetics and personal preferences allow. Period! And who decides what is "a masculine amount of long hair"? You??
It is people who think as you do who block, rather than promote, social progress in modern society.
Are you a member of the Fashion Police? On the Board of Directors of some local Redneck Society? Lost your way on the Internet and thought you landed on the Buzz-cut Board?
"A masculine amount of long hair" sounds about as logical as saying, "an eagle-approved amount of feathers" or, a bear-approved amount of fur"....
Let's get it right, folks: long hair should NOT be a gender thing! Mother Nature has gifted us, whether male or female, with the ability to grow our own hair out as long as we want to grow it -- just that as adults, most women cannot grow a beard!!
- Ken
I really enjoyed your response, Ken. You have a gift for expressing how many of us feel on this matter. It’s people like this poster who have given longhairs grief for such a long period of time. It’s time to move on as a society.
I second the motion. I am now proud to announce that my hair is longer than my wife's, since she went and had a trim. It's amazing to see that there are fewer long haired women these days, though in France there are still quite a few. My singing teacher Nathalie has a great head of hair, an inspiration in part for my own decision to go for it.
Frankly, I don't mind being taken for a woman when people see me from behind and suddenly cringe when they see my face and normal masculine manners. Jung expressed the theory of our integration coming through our awareness of the masculine and feminine principles within ourselves. A just notion of femininity would be the spiritual side of our human nature and our capacity for care and empathy. Empathy is not weakness as the modern world would have us believe.
I find I don't care what people say or think. I am not camp or affected, and like just to be myself. I do masculine things like woodwork, metalwork and that kind of thing, going sailing - and I also like music and the arts - and a different notion of the priesthood. Long hair is a perfect symbol of the independent person, man or woman.
Anthony
* * *
My blog
Right now I have a "masculine amount of long hair" i.e. about 4 inches above waist length. During the 1980s my "masculine amount of long hair" was down to the knees.
"masculine amount of long hair" is in the eyes of the beholder and in the heart of the hair owner.
I also agree that "girl long" hair should not be on a boy. Most girls (women) in this part of the US of A have hair that is shorter than shoulder length.
Hi Jason,
This is a wonderful photo of your family! I am so happy to hear you and Amanda are letting Rowan do what he wants with his hair. I surely hope he at least wants to grow it as long as yours! You and Amanda are to be commended on raising Rowan to be open minded. Keep up the good work!
Ted
Thanks Ted, I appreciate the kind words. Parenting is a challenging but rewarding job!
Hi Jason,
Thanks for posting your family picture, it is great to give your son this freedom... I now know why I always HATED being forced to go to the BARBER as a child... it was that in born desire we talk of.....
All The Best.... The Spaf Man
Thanks for sharing your experience as well, Spaf Man. It's nice to know that others have gone through similar situations and how we've learned more about ourselves by working through our needs.
Great to hear your son likes long hair as well.
Off course both his parents have longhair, so that's a good example for him.
Looking forward to his hair updates and if will be interesting to see if he stays committed to longhair.
It's pretty cool to see how proud he is of his hair. I know he loves the compliments he gets so it's unlikely that he's going to want it cut at this point. When he goes to real school as opposed to daycare, that could present challenges for him but we'll support him 100%.