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Well, the subject of my hair came up tonight unexpectedly. I just got some part time at my brother's shop, and something was said about trimming my beard (no problem there, I've actually been meaning to). After relaying this information to me from my brother, my mom then went into this tangent about how some day I'd have to cut my hair to find work. This is an old argument with us, and always ends the same; I have my opinion, she has hers. I usually give up on saying anything back, because there's just no changing her position about my post-college options. Tonight, however, having now visited this site and having found out that I am in fact NOT stubborn or crazy, I told her about things like identity and how much shorthaired people like her don't realize what their asking when they aske us to alter our hair. I told her Bill's point about how I have longhaired identity, and she seems to think that I actually have some sort of obsessive attachment and that I'm being intractible to "assimilate". (continued...)
Sorry about that, ran out of text lines in the previous message! Anyway, my mom keeps telling me that "it's only hair, it'll grow back". I told her that yes, that is true, but she has no idea just how much time goes into growing it in the first place. She said it wasn't like cutting off a finger, and I said that for me it was (a point Bill also mentioned). She said that sounded really weird, half-jokingly. Anyway, the conversation ended at yet another standstill. Luckily, I do have some part-time at my brother's business, and he's pretty permissive. But if I don't find a fairly gainful job by the time I graduate (by next year), and my hair keeps me from getting a job, I have to either move out or "assimilate". As it is, I can't complain in the larger scheme of things, for I've had my hair since highschool. But it just frustrates the hell out of me that my own mother doesn't even understand my identity issues. Sigh. I just better become the world's best graphic artist by next year!
don't expext to convince your mom... it sounds like she is of a stubborn mindset... though she is genuinely concerned for you. the best thing is to- as you say- become the world's best graphic artist. it is actions, not words that make to most profound statement. i've said this before... i haven't gotten any sh*t about my hair at work because i make it my personal objective to be the hardest worker there. this isn't all that difficult to do as most people i've worked with tend to be lazy... aiming to do as little as possible 'till it's time to go home. not only am i muting criticism about my own hair, but i may be changing people's prejudices about long hair in general. if my bosses were to decide they wanted me to cut my hair... i'd take my talents elsewhere & wish them good luck finding someone who works like i do.
Hi Chris,
With all respect to those who feel that way and apologies in advance to anyone this will offend, I frankly find some of the talk about identity to be sometimes perhaps just an eensy-weensy, itty-bitty little bit on the obsessive side. I'd rather compare cutting long hair to throwing away a beautiful sweater you spent seven years knitting yourself day after day -- which, after all, should be just as persuasive (or just as unpersuasive, depending on the audience).
I personally would probably never try to justify it to my family in terms of identity and cutting off fingers. They would fall out of their chairs laughing and my younger brother would never let me live it down. I just joke that I "wanted to try it long before it all fell out" (I was 31 with noticeable Male Pattern Baldness when I started growing it out), and they know I'm joking. They certainly tease a bit, but for the most part they also know that, if they don't like it, it's their damn problem. Mom is hardly thrilled, but when she pushes, I just say that I'm enjoying having it long, and if I ever get tired of having it long then sure, I'll cut it then, but I have no idea when (if ever) that will be.
Another thought to consider -- if she is successful in persuading you to change your hair to her personal liking, is there anything else about you she might decide to change? I was about your age when I had to make some tough decisions to be myself, not necessarily my parents' fantasy son; and I think that's a fairly common experience.
One final note. In the unlikely event that you don't find a job as soon as you'd like, you might want to consider temp agencies. They're great at matching up people to jobs, and you can usually eventually go "perm" if you like the job. Also, I think long hair is usually less of an issue for a temp, and once an employer has been impressed with your work and gotten accustomed to having you around, they will probably be less likely to be put off by your hair.
Good luck! :-)
8-)
Greg
Lots of us do. It was on this board that we discovered that. You are definitely not alone, dude.
Yeah, gay people, transgender people, Jews, and just about any other minority you want to name have been fed the same line of crap from folks comfortably and safely ensconced in their position outside the minority group. Identity issues of course are important. Otherwise, why are they making such a big deal of it?
Ask her to shave off all hers! It's only hair! It will grow back! Don't offer to "cut yours if she cuts hers" since she may be strange enough to do it. But use the line to remind her how you would feel about having yours cut.
If she tries the line on you that "long hair on ladies is normal" or whatever, remind her that identities are not about majorities and minorities. In the normal human psyche they override that. Otherwise we would have none. Being denied employment, being denied the right to marry, and being fed to lions is not exactly fun.
So she doesn't love you the way you are. She's in love with an imaginary person who doesn't exist instead. She would go so far as to throw "you" out to maintain this fantasy! When I realized this same thing was going on with my mother, I soon after realized maintaining a relationship with such a person who was not really in love with me was not mentally healthy. I have not seen her in five years. She can always come back when she accepts me the way I am. But I know that will never happen. She has hated what I am for far too long.
Your mother is intent on giving deadlines, so to save your relationship in the long run, you might be well advised to give her one. Tell her she has one year to come to love you the way you are and support you rather than side with your assailants when you are attacked. That is what loving parents do! If she cannot do that, tell her that she will not only be throwing you out of her house, she will be throwing you out of her life, because you will seldom see her again. It's tough to admit your mother doesn't love you, but healthy adults face reality. That minorities experience discrimination is a reality we all own up to and face. And the reality my mother is now having to face whether she wants to or not is that she is growing old alone....
And maybe yours in time will! Burying your heads in the sand rather than confronting the issues, though, could make it worse in the long run. (Been there, done that.) Giving her a year to accept you is probably a reasonable time frame. If there's not a lot of improvement in that length of time, to put further effort into a relationship with her may well be a waste of energy.
next year!
But whether you do, or not, you will still be a longhair inside. When beaten into submission, people do not soar. People will not like you if you don't like yourself, and people who are not liked at work, in the long run, do not get far.
The issue at home and at work is really the same. To really excel you've got to be yourself. And you know what that is. You're a longhair! So remind yourself what's best for you in the long run and don't cower at roadblocks. Take a detour road instead. You'll do much better on that road!
Two other things Chris. Your mother let you have long hair in high school. Mine hated longhairs so much I was never allowed to grow mine. Maybe your mother's stance when you were in high school is a good sign that now she can be brought around. On the other hand, her rantings now are typical stuff that kids with minority identities unlike those of their parents often face. (Ask a few gay people you know about this.)
Perhaps she really does love you and she is advocating what she mistakingly thinks will really be best for you. Her inability to absorb your comments on the situation though don't sound like this is going on. It sounds more like what went on with my mother, an identity conflict.
It should have been:
Actually, I think my mom does accept me w/ long hair, but doesn't accept the fact that I take it so importantly. She seems to think it's an obsession (I was obsessive compulsive as a child, hand-washing, ect.; so was she). Hearing your situation, I can see that I'm actually quite lucky as far as actually having the chance to prove that I can get a job with my hair. I haven't been too agresive in job finding in past years; I guess constantly being told that I probably won't have a chance in the first place will do that :/ ! Mymother is a loving person, but just doesn't seem to understand about identity. She personally thinks my only option in finding a job is to "assimilate", and when I tell her otherwise, she thinks I'm being intractable or obssessive-compulsive. I thinks she's worried about me more than anything; she probably equates this with some kind of mental disorder.
I'd just like to thank everyone who has posted (or may post after this message) for their shared words of wisdom and encouragement. It's very comforting to know that I am not alone, and that we've all truly been down these similar paths. Dave's response reminds me of a line from "Easy Rider"; one of the characters says something like, "people talk all the time about individual freedom, but they're frightened to see a free individual". I guess that's why we all face the discrimination we do. Many people probably think "Hey, you're breaking the rules! If I couldn't do that, you shouldn't get away with it!". We can't all live by those "rules", though. I say, if it doesn't hurt anybody, and it only affects me, why change? I think it's time men had their own "lib" :)!
men's lib; hmmm... what a concept. most people believe in the freedom of others but not the freedom of others to disagree with them. i doubt that a men's liberation movement would open many eyes; it's more likely to have a reverse effect on people who dislike having others tell them how to think.
I was worried about your future right up until the end of your message until you said "graphic design" I too am a designer (product design). The design field is an extremely acceptive job field and there are MANY MANY long-haired men. I was worried myself, until I visited a few firms and saw the long hair. Dont worry. Ive got one year left of college, myself.
Hey Chris!
Well, can I relate to you! I'm 31 and to this day the subject of my hair can drive a huge wedge between my mother and I. I have begged, I have pleaded with her to please not bring this up, but it never works. Her out is that as a mother, she is doing what she feels is best for her son and wouldn't have a good conscious if she didn't. AS if! Please. I know she has never liked it and never will. "it will hinder you from getting a job" has been her cry since day one. I have come back with comments regarding changing her appearance to suit my own opinions and view points, but that never works. My mom is one stubborn lady! And nothing gets in her way of expressing how she feels. . .especially if it concerns the well-being of her son. Fortunately, I have my own job and don;t have to cut it to suit her and continue living at home.
I feel for you man. I have definitely been in your shoes, walked in them, got tired of them, took them back to the mall and tried to return them! I cut my hair a year and a half ago for a job that I had been given a start date and beginning salary. . .the job was done away with and not even budgeted for the next fiscal year. Needless to say, I have been growing it back ever since. And yes, I found employment!
Good luck and keep growing!
Mark 8-)
I'm almost 42 and have had long hair almost all my life. I have heard everything you can think of from you must grow up and get with the nineties to (the old standard) you'll never get a job. Well I always have had a job. The thing you have to remember is that when you are not in lock step with everyone else it shows you think for yourself this scares alot of people (or makes them envious) eather way they don't want you around esp. in a coropate setting but their are people who look at your skills instead of your hair. The thing to ask your mother is woman have the choice of long hair or short why not men? She'll probbaly come up with thats societies standards so maybe society can change (look at the womans lib movement). Do not think your crazy because there are a lot of people with longhair out there and have that longhair idenity. You may be stubborn but today you have to be to be yourself.
Oh, yea I am a baker and have work not because of long or shorthair but because I am the best baker around.
My mom loves my hair. Matter of fact it really scares me sometimes. There are corporate people with long hair out there though. Th CEO of gateway 2000 has a pony tail that goes halfway down his back. The secret of surviving in a job is to keep your hair as low profile as possible. Make your ponytail tiny and keep it tiny using more ties. That way you don't get the "biker look" going