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My 5 year old started school last week and the length of his hair has become an issue in his classroom. My son was born with very curly blonde hair which I adore. I have always kept his hair neat, but longer than the traditional styles for boys. Knowing that I would have to cut his hair to start school, I let it grow out for the last six months. It was so long and beautiful, but I knew that it was best for him that I cut some of it off so as not to be teased by the other kids. I took him to my stylist and we decided to cut it just below his shoulders. I cried a little as those beautiful curls fell to the floor. The problem is that some of the kids still tell him his haircut looks like a girl. I am hoping someone has an idea how we can keep his beautiful curls, yet still give him a "boys" haircut. Thanks for any help.
As I have enjoyed reading your stories on this board, I would like to share my husband's experience with long hair. It was "suggested" that he cut his ponytail off when he entered the corporate world, so he no long has long hair. However, when he did, two or three times a year I would bring him to my stylist with me for a trim and pampering. The women in the shop loved his long hair and he loved all the attention he received. His ponytail was 15 inched long when he cut it off two year ago. I still keep it in my closet as a reminder and he says he misses the attention from the jeolous women in the beauty shop more than he misses his hair. I miss his hair.
God, Diane, your story makes me sad. How does your son feel? Does he mind the kids teasing him? If he doesn't then I would leave it alone. You might want to put it in a ponytail when he goes. From time to time I see little boys with long hair and I have gone up and complimented them. And your husband too? Oh no. Perhaps he could sneak and grow it back and no one will say anything. Good luck to you.
This story hits so very close to home for me that I just had to respond. Diane, I can't tell you how much I sympathize. I have three boys, 6,7 and 9 and they all have VERY long hair. Fortunately they are always in each others company and can support one another when those girl comments come their way. Nearly everyone they encounter refers to them as girls but they just calmly say, no I'm a boy and the person is generally too embarrassed to say anything further. I find in fact that the person who called them a girl is usually more flustered by the experience than my boys are. They do have a considerable advantage however in that they are very big for their ages and also home schooled so they never really suffer the kinds of outrageous attacks that have to be endured when a child is alone at public school. Most of the other kids they socialize with are either longhairs too or are much more tolerant. Actually they tell me they prefer to socialize with little girls who seem to be intrigued by the long hair. Quite often my boys hair is a good deal longer than the girls! My mother forced me to cut my hair as a child and I have sworn that I will never do that to my kids. Their hair is a choice that they make and so its also something they feel comfortable defending in those awkward times when people make their rude comments. Maybe you could just tell your boy to ignore the comments? I remember the year the ski resort made my husband cut his tail and even trim his beard to accomodate their "policies". I thought he was going to cry! But he needed the job and did it anyway. As it started to grow back he decided being true to himself was more important than skiing free and he hasn't cut either one since! (Five years now!) Sometimes those of us who choose alternative lives have to accept that you will run into confrontation with the rest of the world. Dealing with it gracefully does a lot to help change the prejudice and perceptions of that world. Though most of the parents and certainly the other kids were initially shocked by my boys at Little League this year, by the end of the season they had all grown to appreciate them for the thoughtful, considerate, obviously more mature and intelligent kids that they were. They found they were able to see beyond the hair and it was a growth experience for them. Maybe your child will be that for the people around him as well! My boys tell me they learn from the experiences too, about not judging people just because of they way they dress or look on the outside, because they know how that feels firsthand.
Good luck to you! No easy answers to your question, you've got to decide what's important to you because you will be forced to defend it at some point. Its not right, but its the way the world works!
Very best wishes to you and your boy!
Dawn
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How do your boys wear their hair, Dawn? Loose ponytail, single braid, braided chignon, un-braided chignon?? I'd be interested to know about more formal styles for buys with long hair. I wonder if done-up styles would lessen the incidence of razzing from the other boys. The razzers could begin to see them as mature styles, and that your boys are not to be tangled with.
With thanks,
OM
Hi OM!
Well, most of the time they just wear it down and loose but sometimes they like to wear a simple ponytail or braid in the back. They tell me that anything else would make them look even more like they're girls and I tend to agree with them, a more traditional female hairstyle like a bun or chignon might just make the other boys even more aggressive in their taunts. Its interesting actually that when the other kids find that my boys are completely unfazed by their opinions of them and the surprise at the length of their hair, there usually isn't any more discussion about it. My boys make it quite clear that they're not at all embarrassed by the issue and even the most hard core buzz cutters usually leave them alone. I think its a matter of the childs own reaction when someone refers to them as a girl. If they're bothered by it, the other kids pick up on that and work it, if they're quite comfortable with who they are it ceases to be an issue. As I said before though, it also doesn't hurt to stand head and shoulders taller than any other kid your age. It cuts the bully factor way down! So they're kind of lucky on that score. They've quickly learned that the kids who aren't judgemental about the hair make for the best friends anyway, being less rigid in all other life matters as well. It actually a quick way to cut to the core of a person and even at their young ages, the boys have mentioned that they often use that observation when choosing playmates. Pretty cool kids actually, I'm often quite proud of them and the way they handle themselves.
Take care OM!
Best wishes to all!
Dawn
Welcome to America. If it's not the hairstyle, the bullies will find one of a thousand other reasons to pick on kids. It's part of the American culture. The reason some kids bring weapons to public school is because they don't feel safe at school. Maybe the bullying is intended to boost sales of the latest clothing styles, makeup, haircuts, and school uniforms.
One way to avoid sentencing your kids to the public zoo is to do "home schooling" or another form of privatized education. It may be a way to meet other parents and then the kids can form meaningful friendships with other home school students. Many home school students are ready for college by their early teens and have more self-confidence and are better prepared for the job market. For more information search the web for "homeschool" or try this web site:
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Diane, I feel we're in an E.R. for long hair on males, and sometimes females, right now. I'm acting urgently now for fear for you, and those with you, that more cuts willbe in order for the sake of social pressure at work and at school. I was so happy to read that your son and husband could be beautiful males, particularly endearing to many women, and still be great examples of what it is to be male.
I've suggested before that boys and many men could wear a "Modified Matador" look, whereby ones very wavy and curly hair could be brought gently back to a pony-tail of a couple of "messy" or "natural-looking" sausage curls either at the nape of the neck, or mid-back of the head. This can be quite a dashing appearance, and quite a sight if your boy engages in the various activities of track and field, as it gets tossled a bit. What would the girls think? And just maybe, the boys who are ribbing him at school would secretly L-O-O-O-VE to have that great long hair themselves, but are just, plain jealous.
OM
I guess I have a few comments, too.
First, I got the "girl" comment quite a lot as a kid despite the fact my hair was short, so, although the long hair gives people an excuse to tease, if it weren't for the hair, I think there would be something else.
There are some kids who are forced to wear their hair short by school policy (search the archives for "Bastrop" for a story about a related lawsuit). It seems a shame to cut the hair by choice if your real preference is for long hair if there actually is an option.
My children are girls, so I don't have to deal with the issue. However, I think there still would not be a problem at the school in the area. There are several boys who have long hair (mid-back). They tend to also have fathers with long hair. Also a help, I'm sure, is the fact that one of the male teachers has long hair. Maybe I can persuade some of them to have their pictures on this site.
i'm not sure posting kids pics is a very good idea... considering a number of unsolicited leering come-on e-mail messages i've received from some gay or bi followers of this message board... and that from my verbal description of myself. one persisted after i responded that i am not gay... he even changed his name to 'sexygurl@***.com' to try getting a response. this has made me very hesitant to post any pictures of myself. no, a long-haired boy's picture here would be like dangling raw meat for the sharks to get.
i hasten to point out, the messages to me were not from any frequent contributor to this board...
I wonder if the problem John speaks of isn't really one of "vivid imaginations". These folks don't see much, so they fill it in with their wildest expectations. In my case they go to a web page and find an ordinary guy, quite adequately described in words and photos, with all the flaws as well as virtues that any guy has. And they see I am "taken". So I wonder if providing more information is not in reality a better deterrent than providing less. ;-)
I think we also saw a bit of the "vivid imaginations" problem a few months back when people were harassing others to post photos. When photos were in fact produced, it always instantly became a non-event.
What you've really addressed in your post, John, is the whole issue of "coming out" - "Am I going to be myself, or am I going to cower and hide because of reactions others might throw my way?" Longhaired boys need support in celebrating their longhairedness even more than longhaired men, and it would be a shame for them to run and hide in a closet, depriving themselves of that support, for fear of what a few inconsiderate oafs might say. Today's kids are being made quite aware that the Internet is no different than a street corner, and that a stranger is a stranger in either place. Hopefully kids who need to connect to others will not be deterred from being themselves, while exercising the caution on this board they might exercise wherever they might go.
I would add that Victor's board affords complete anonymity for those who want it - one can leave the e-mail slot blank.
Young longhairs have problems us older guys don't have, such as these:
Intense pressures about their hair from "authority figures" such as teachers and parents, people who have power over them the likes of which we as adults never see.A lack of social mobility to find others to accept them if their immediate social group does not.The inability to grow facial hair and lack of a deep voice to stop those cold who "think they're a girl".
i'm sure i'm sure 'vivid imaginations' played a role in the feedback i received... what i found incredible was the one person who persisted & even changed his username to a female-sounding one (sexygurl) to get a response from me (i got the i.p. address... same user). i do not welcome this type of feedback. ignoring my polite, 'sorry, not interested' response was profoundly rude & had the effect of stirring some old anti-gay feelings i've fought long & hard to suppress.
i guess i intended my response to be a cautionary word to any parent who's thinking of posting their child's picture on the internet- as it is like handing out personal photos to total strangers. i'm not saying 'definitely don't do it', but the wonderfully supportive parents willing to seek out support for their sons' decision to grow their hair out need to proceed with their eyes open.
I am a teacher considering long hair. I'm curious, which state do you live in?
How long is this teacher's hair and how does he wear it?
Tom
His hair is about a foot or a foot and a half long. He almost always wears it in a pony tail. I think I'll ask him if he'd like to pose for this site. I keep mentioning him. I might as well have some pictures.
I forgot to mention that it's Austin, Texas, which I'm sure has a lot to do with it.
I've been reading some of these messages and I have to admit that I find it ironic that some of the children are being teased about being "girls." I'm 45 years old, and I remember that my parents made me wear my hair (think Ronald Reagan) short in 1969. I believe, if my memory serves me well enough, that I got teased at that time for being "grease" or "homo." Baby boomers had invented long hair, you see, or so they thought. Anyone who claims they can't tell a man from a woman when both have long hair obviously has not a single hormone in his body. At least I don't have much problem zeroing in on the sex that interests me most...
When I went to college, I grew my hair out. I've been a devotee of long hair ever since.
Since I do have somewhat of an attraction to men with long hair, I guess those kids might have been right about the "homo" part. However, as usual there is no decent excuse to pick on anyone. Although I've lived a quite non-confrontational life, I guess I'd have to say that your kids will have to learn to deal with the calculated put downs received from other people. Sometimes, I understand from speaking with those who seem to know about such things, promising to neuter the tormentors has some salutory effect. Any surgeon will tell you that it's far more challenging to create, morphologically, a man out of a woman than the other way around :-)
Tell your kids to do what they want to do. As for the adults in the workaday world, I'm there too. Being eccentric can be a great advantage, at those odd times when people get bored with clones. My hair is halfway to my butt, and my career success has increased with its length. I think that this may be a coincidence...
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As for the adults in the workaday world, I'm there too. Being eccentric can be a great advantage, at those odd times when people get bored with clones. My hair is halfway to my butt, and my career success has increased with its length. I think that this may be a coincidence...
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I think you've found that career advancement has more to do with demonstrated skill and knowledge, rather than appearance.
OM
I think I am in a position to make a judgment here, albeit a personal one. I think that first you have to demonstrate skill and knowledge. However, once that is done, your reputation will spread, flagged by your long hair. People will instantly recognize you as the expert they'd heard about simply by the fact you have long hair.
By son is 3.5 yrs old and had his first [real] haircut this past New Years. It went from a raggity shoulder-to-waist w/bangs to a more even bob just below the shoulders. When he enters school in two years it will still be long [actual length and style unknown], but he will be ready. Even at the tender age of three he has handled adults well. His sitter hold me that when quizzed about his sex he stated quite proudly in typical fashion,"I'm not a boy or a girl, I'm a Morgan!" Apparently the adult in question was amused and impressed with that. Rare is the person who, upon discovering the sex-error [he is only three after all], *doesn't* either apologize for "their" errorand/or compliment on hold cute he is. Other kids, at this point, readily accept him, but then he is a friendly and good natureed child. Of course it helps that "Dad
" is also a longhair, whose ponytail is reaching for that glorious watermark of the waist.
Hair length for boys is in an odd state of flux. I see a lot of near-crew cuts to shaved and then the occational tail and a few longhairs who are usually in there mid-teens to late teens. My son may be the only longhair in school, if not kindergarden, but I don't forsee too much trouble. My wife and I try to set the example for how to responce to others [and their intolerance/ignorance] and not care because its their problem. If we feel he needs it, we'll talk and coach on how to react and respond. <> If there is a persistance, I'll take it up with the teacher long before I take it up with the barber! I don't want to fall back on the old "famous-men-in-history-who-had-longhair" shtick. I prefer, "My son is polite, good-natured, a [hopefully] good student, dress well and is clean and well groomed. If his hair is such a problem to you, then I obviously sent him to the wrong school." But, I don't see that being needed. The main assult will be from other kids. Kids can be cruel, we've all heard that, and at that young an age they don't realy understand proper social etique [sp]. There will be name-calling, just like any kid who is different. Hopefully, in [a short amount of] time, they will see him as one of them... he just has long hair.